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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my friend what her DP is really like

59 replies

xalyssx · 20/10/2014 00:31

One of my best friends (let's call her Lucy) is dating my ex (let's call him Steve). I still get on very well with Steve, and our relationship was good at the time. The problem is, Lucy hats cheating, and I know that Steve used to cheat.
Steve's ex wife Jane hates Lucy, because Jane left the marriage and moved away, leaving her kids with Steve, and now Lucy is spending a lot of time with them. Jane is always telling Lucy and Steve to split up, but Lucy thinks that, as Jane cheated on Steve, she has no right to dictate her ex husband's life.
The problem is, yes Jane did cheat on Steve, but he cheated first - with me. He was still in an intimate relationship with Jane when he started going out with me, even though he swore blind that they were in separate beds. We went out for almost 2 years before he actually split up with her properly.
So, AIBU to tell Lucy that her DP isn't quite as innocent as he makes out?

OP posts:
Original poster
xalyssx · 20/10/2014 04:54

Ah, I meant he cheated before he knew that he had been wronged.

OP posts:
FastWindow · 20/10/2014 04:59

This reply has been deleted

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sangfreude · 20/10/2014 06:18

Please have my very first Biscuit

Thumbwitch · 20/10/2014 06:45

Yeah, ok then Hmm

Nerf · 20/10/2014 07:02

Jane and Steve were still sleeping together when he dated you
Jane was cheating on Steve for years
Steve cheated first
You relationship was good and you are friends
You only see each other because he owes you £700
Jane left her kids with Steve

Nothing adds up, sorry.

Mozzereena · 20/10/2014 07:28

There's only one man that can sort this out

to tell my friend what her DP is really like
Original poster
xalyssx · 20/10/2014 10:40

Ok.
2000 Jane marries Steve
2007 Jane met Paul at work. She entered into a very occasional affair with him, ie only every 6 months on work trips.
2009 Steve meets me, convinces me that he is unattached and has an affair with me.
2010 Jane and Steve are still having sex, because no one wants the other person to know about the affair.
2011 Steve finds out about Jane's affair and they start legal proceedings. I use this opportunity to improve my relationship with Steve. Jane moves away.
2012 Someone tells Jane about me. Steve divorces Jane, and I lend him 5grand to assist with "costs"
2013 Steve pays back £4300, but keeps £700 so his son can go on a ski trip. I break up with Steve because he keeps not reciprocating. I meet current DP. Steve meets Lucy.
2014 I'm still friends with Steve. We go to some events together as friends, which is something that I'd do with a good friend. He still owes me £700, so as I mature and realise how much of a manipulator he actually was, I'm unsure whether to continue the friendship or lose the money.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 20/10/2014 10:49

Jane did cheat on Steve, but he cheated first - with me

Jane was having the affair long before I came on the scene, no one found out about it for years though

Well, which is it OP? Hmm

Original poster
xalyssx · 20/10/2014 10:52

Jane cheated first, but out of Steve finding out and Steve cheating, the cheating was first. I said "first" in my op to make it clear that he doesn't have that excuse.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 20/10/2014 10:56

Jings, so you met your own DP in 2013 and you already have 2 children and are engaged? You're going great guns!

Original poster
xalyssx · 20/10/2014 11:02

In 2011 I had "revenge sex" with my best friend after Steve admits that he was still intimate with Jane. I got pregnant from this. After meeting my current DP I got pregnant very quickly, and had a premature baby in February this year.

OP posts:
Username12345 · 20/10/2014 11:02

I would tell because to me that's being a good friend.

Picking up the pieces after the car crash you know was going to happen is just cruel.

DoughnutSelfie · 20/10/2014 11:09

Wtf is revenge sex? Is it like being a ninja with added bonking? Hiiiiiii yahhhhhhh

Momagain1 · 20/10/2014 13:23

What happened to Paul, I wonder?

ScarletFever · 20/10/2014 13:28

all sounds a bit odd to me...but you need to ask yourself who you are doing it for and why

Are you telling her because you are jealous?
Are you telling her because you want them to split up?

"ZenNudist Mon 20-Oct-14 00:38:17
Not sure I follow all that. She's not much of a friend to be dating your ex."

but why? He's an ex, not a current.. (just basing this on a 'you cant date my ex' comment, nothing to do with the actual thread here)

judypoops · 20/10/2014 13:31

Hi op, sorry this is a bit hard to follow but I think you should just keep out of it as it all sounds complicated. Smile

guitarosauras · 20/10/2014 13:35

Why would you want to do this to your friend?

Be there to pick up the pieces if you have to but don't go stirring.
Sounds like jealousy to me.

btw, it doesn't matter who cheated first. Do you want to tell lucy to make yourself feel better about having sex with a married man?

You know it won't look good on you, don't you?
You'll more than likely lose two friends possibly more from the fall out of this.

Let them be.

famalam · 20/10/2014 13:37

This is mad

Just keep out of it OP.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 20/10/2014 13:40

I'd let Jeremy Kyle sort you all out.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 20/10/2014 13:42

Wtf is revenge sex? Is it like being a ninja with added bonking? Hiiiiiii yahhhhhhh

Steve sounds like a reet lad!

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 20/10/2014 13:43

Okay, this was quite hard to follow but I think the answer is Jane has three apples, Lucy has a potato and Steve has a tangerine.

HTH.

Fairenuff · 20/10/2014 13:43

In 2011 I had "revenge sex" with my best friend after Steve admits that he was still intimate with Jane.

But you just said that in 2011 you were improving your relationship with Steve. The 'revenge sex' would have been in 2010 surely? Unless you were sleeping with someone else at the same time that you were 'improving' your relationship with Steve.

2009 Steve meets me, convinces me that he is unattached and has an affair with me.

2010 Jane and Steve are still having sex, because no one wants the other person to know about the affair.

2011 Steve finds out about Jane's affair and they start legal proceedings. I use this opportunity to improve my relationship with Steve.

The only thing that is clear here is that you need to be more careful with contraception and protection from sexually transmitted diseases. With that many people all sleeping with each other you are a high risk.

Thumbwitch · 20/10/2014 13:54

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coolaschmoola · 20/10/2014 13:54

Convinced you he was single.... But no one knows about your 'relationship' because he wouldn't be seen out with you??

Jeez op, either you didn't take much convincing or you are completely dim.

This story has more holes than my hand-knitted dishcloth.

coolaschmoola · 20/10/2014 13:55

If this is your plot for the novelist competition then seriously, you're wasting your time.

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