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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - popping in to see an old mate on the way to hers..?

23 replies

dan26erls · 19/10/2014 19:11

My GF and I live about 50 miles apart and only see each other at weekends - 95% of the time at hers.. - One of my oldest friends lives a few miles from her - so, one weekend in 3 (or so) I meet him for a quick beer en route to hers - arriving anytime between 7.00 and 8.00 (an hour or so later than if I went directly. - whereupon we spend the whole weekend together (without fail) - with me leaving around 8.00 sunday night- she increasingly seems to resent this..? - AIBU..?

OP posts:
HighwayDragon · 19/10/2014 19:15

if you're drinking a pint of Stella or similar you may not be legal to drive, that in itself would be a deal breaker.

hawaiibaby · 19/10/2014 19:15

No YANBU, she is. Why 95% of the time at hers? Sounds like on both counts she is being unfair. How is your relationship otherwise? Is she nice?!

HighwayDragon · 19/10/2014 19:19

Do you tell her when you're just going for one beer? Because I'd be annoyed waiting for my bf if he was 2 hours later than I was expecting without a curteous text

Original poster
dan26erls · 19/10/2014 19:24

@HD - always safe & legal

@ HB - she has 2 boys, and a much larger place - her boys play sports locally - hence hers - generally good - but increasingly tense

@HD - She always knows if I am seeing mate and when to expect me

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 19/10/2014 19:26

YANBU

ChippingInLatteLover · 19/10/2014 19:26

Well, not unless you are hoping she reads it on here...

WitchWay · 19/10/2014 19:27

She is being rather clingy I think.

DiaDuit · 19/10/2014 19:28

What has she said is the issue? Surely she sees friends at weekends? Does she resent 1/2 hours every few weeks that you arent with her?

Original poster
dan26erls · 19/10/2014 19:28

@CILL - I wish I planned that far ahead..lol

OP posts:
pebbble · 19/10/2014 19:31

Could you meet up with old mate and gf meet you there and introduce her so she feels more involved, it might be that she is hankering after an invite for you to show her off. I'm thinking laterally, on the face of your op I agree with the poster who said she sounded clingy but there may be another interpretation. Either way, I dont think YABatallU.

HighwayDragon · 19/10/2014 19:31

in that case yanbu, she's clingy. Maybe talk to her and find out why?

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 19/10/2014 19:31

YANBU. Why don't you suggest that one weekend in three, you spend the whole evening with him instead? I would. Suggest that I mean.

Original poster
dan26erls · 19/10/2014 19:38

@pebble - You may have a point - they have met (but din't really hit it off) - she says that I compartmentalising my time - but so far, on balance the neutral observers appear to be coming down on the NBU side. - time for a chat I think...

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 19/10/2014 19:59

Yes, you are compartmentalising. All of ys do this to some degree, and usually to deal with exactly this, friends who arent friends with your partner.

It is completely reasonable to stop along the way to hers once in a while to see someone she has no interest in seeing. You arent demanding she must come along and try to become friends, and she has no right to demand you drop your friendship with him (assuming he isnt a risk of you being dragged into stupidity with drink, drugs, or other women.)

Purplepoodle · 19/10/2014 20:14

Ask her why?

CadmiumRed · 19/10/2014 20:23

What is her specific issue with it? Does arriving an hour later interfere with any specific plans?

I think she is being unreasonable, and possessive. Unless there is some reason we don't know about.

ChippingInLatteLover · 20/10/2014 01:12

@CILL - I wish I planned that far ahead..lol

Grin

I honestly don't see what her problem is?! You are doing all of the commuting because she has kids, so it's easier for her and occasionally you meet a friend, en route for a beer.... and?

Surely there has to be another problem here - because I just can't see one with what you have said Confused

Good luck with 'the chat'!

WD41 · 20/10/2014 08:02

Yanbu, but I can imagine my younger self being like this. Because I was horribly insecure and wasn't getting the reassurance I needed from the relationship, so this would have seemed like a sign that you weren't as into things

I could be way off the mark, but is there anything you could do to make her feel more secure?

HicDraconis · 20/10/2014 08:07

I'd dump you if I were her. But that has sod l to do with you seeing a mate en route and everything to do with you thinking it's safe to drink even one pint and drive. That's a complete deal breaker for me - I don't care if you're still legal, the only safe limit is zero.

If it's your mate drinking beer and you are drinking lemonade, yanbu in the slightest :)

HicDraconis · 20/10/2014 08:08

"sod all"

Littlef00t · 20/10/2014 08:10

I'd do the same as you minus the beer. Have a friend who lives near my cousin, about 1:30 mins away and would happily see both.

HicDraconis · 20/10/2014 08:11

Plus does your personality change when you've seen your friend? When they were introduced, did you treat your gf differently because your friend was there?

I've dated some guys who were lovely until they were in the company of one or two of their mates and then they turned into complete arses. If that's the case here, I'd be pissed off if you visited me after seeing friend-who-turns-you-arse. However I'd have no problem at all with not seeing you any weekend you chose to see FWTUA instead.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/10/2014 08:13

Do you say 'a quick one' and then turn up later that expected each time?

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