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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is this shitty of my friends? FB related [title edited by HQ]

84 replies

GaryShitpeas · 19/10/2014 17:24

Have two really close (or so I thought) friends I have known them both since school separately but I introduced them to eachother about a year ago.

We often socialise as a threesome and we have dc the same age

I messaged them both a few days ago to ask if they wanted to come round mine for a few drinks as had some other friends coming as well. One said no (fair enough) but the other didn't reply although could see she'd seen the message. I also sent another, separate message asking if they fancied a meet up in half term

Both didn't reply. Although again, could see it had been seen

Well today I then see on FB publicly, on one of their statuses, arranging to meet up in half term just the two of them . Yet neither of them replied to my message. Btw they both live on FB on their phones so wouldn't have been an oversight.

I just feel snubbed. And I can't say anything as will appear needy. And Perhaps I am being needy. but just feel shit and like I'm back at school. I'm 34 Fgs I shouldn't care!

OP posts:

Aherdofmims · 20/10/2014 11:23

It's the posting their arrangement on facebook that is the worst as they knew you would see. Sometimes I think certain people can only "validate" their friendships by leaving someone out. It makes no sense but the only thing to do is ignore and get on with life enjoying your own lovely dc.

LookingThroughTheFog · 20/10/2014 11:27

2 people are allowed to meet up without permission from another you know. Friendships change and evolve and move on

I think this is perfectly true. However the whole not liking was childish and not even bothering to reply to an invite was simply rude.

It's a very human thing, wanting to be included. That's why exile is such an effective punishment. The fact that the OP was so able to just cut these two loose shows a maturity and a contentment with her own position in life.

SuperFlyHigh · 20/10/2014 13:06

This is why I'm off FB. or one of the reasons. I got so sick and tired of the constant attention mongers on there and I'm glad I'm not there.

Now I know that a friend (school friend) of mine who's not replied to a text/email - she's either a) too busy, b) changed her mobile number and c) it's a work email and she's up North studying. She could be avoiding me.

why on earth can't you speak to them and ask them about this rather than flouncing off and reading things into the likes on FB?!

ScarletFever · 20/10/2014 13:18

i wouldnt block them, or even bother really - i would just post like crazy about how good my life is, where i am going, lots of happy stories

dont delete them

Its sad, but sometimes friendships come to an end to no fault of anyone.... you'll find other friends

(whats wendying)

Original poster

GaryShitpeas · 20/10/2014 14:44

Lol at "flouncing" off I'm not flouncing anywhere

OP posts:

Norfolkandchance1234 · 20/10/2014 15:00

Talk to the one you are closest to, to find out what's going on.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 20/10/2014 15:01

I think being wendied is, when you make a new friend and introduce her into your group of friends, and then over time she alienates you from that friendship group.

Not saying this is happening here. In fact as OP only saw one of her friends last week, and all was well, I'd hold fire, ie not assume they're excuding her.

SuperFlyHigh · 20/10/2014 15:51

I didn't mean it as flouncing in a nasty way just when you get FB involved and you unfriend etc with no explanation then it can come across as that way.

Don't get me wrong I think your friends haven't handled this well but an old fashioned talk is how I'd do it.

Flangeshrub · 20/10/2014 18:24

Yes Wendying is a thing and you've been Wendied, sadly.

It's happened to me and it is horrible. I hope you feel better soon.

pudding25 · 20/10/2014 19:11

If they have both been your friends for 20 years, why don't you pick up the phone and ask them why they are ignoring your messages? I don't think there is a problem that they want to meet up without you but they have been exceptionally rude not responding to you, even if it was with an excuse.

CherryDolphin · 20/10/2014 19:15

2 people are allowed to meet up without permission from another you know. Friendships change and evolve and move on and - in my world anyway - can be flexible.

I really don't think that's the issue here.

pictish · 20/10/2014 19:19

What Donkey said. I know Wendying exists, but unless you've had it happen to you, you wouldn't have a clue and would understandably write it off as deluded childish paranoia. That's how it looks to an innocent bystander after all.

I'm not sure that is what is going on here though - I think this is a simple case of two people who have really clicked very recently, and who are all delighted with each other.
It will calm down again after a few months imo.

Mozzereena · 20/10/2014 20:12

Blocking your friends on FB might be a bit hasty and could be seen as an overreaction.
They might just be being a bit thoughtless and intend to get in touch with you at a later date. If you block them they might feel future communication from them would be unwelcome.
How about just hide them from your newsfeed and put them on your restricted list so you can all have a breather from one another for a while?
Leave the ball in their court and let them make the first move back.

Norfolkandchance1234 · 20/10/2014 23:40

Being wendied - I am so pleased this is actually a thing. >big sigh of relief< Wasn't sure what on earth was going on when it happened to me. Wierdest experience I'd had in a while.

PiperIsOrange · 20/10/2014 23:49

Could they be discussing a surprise for you.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 20/10/2014 23:58

Goodness me what is this Wendy nonsense!

Nothing new in people
Displaying silly, rude thoughtless Md possibly nasty behaviour.

Stop with the silly labels.

And how nasty to people like my dm who are called Wendy.
Ted

Year 12 is in the past here. Op rise above and keep your dignity.

Norfolkandchance1234 · 21/10/2014 00:27

Being wendied has happened to a few of us so we totally get it. It is very very subtle and manipulative. If it hasn't happened to you yet then you probably won't understand it. Unless of course you are a Wendy, then you will be fearing that sooner or later you will be found out and will of course be dismissive about it all. Tactical move. My Wendy eventfully left town 'hurrah'. It's so interesting to read virtually identical experiences on this and other related threads. The worst thing is not being able to talk about it much at the time and people going along with it all. Luckily as I am a genuinely decent person a couple of people brought up the fact that this woman was being awful to them. We put two and two together and realised she was a fruitloop.

DoJo · 21/10/2014 01:07

The thing is, all this talk about 'Wendying' implies that it is something done to people by one malicious person, but doesn't take into account the fact that the person's friends seem more than happy to be 'turned against' their original friend. Surely it suggests that a person has chosen their friends poorly all round if the people they consider to be closest to them are so willing to exclude them?

Norfolkandchance1234 · 21/10/2014 01:13

Yes I agree it would appear to look like that only it isn't. I can imagine its hard to understand if it has never happened to you. And if it has then it's a revelation to find out not only does it have a term but many others have virtually identical experiences.

x2boys · 21/10/2014 08:46

Not the same situation but I had a very good friend for over twenty years I realised after a few months of this that I was the one that kept phoning trying to make arrangements previously we had equally phoned each other and there as always some excuse why she couldn't meet !The final thing as when I phoned her about three years ago asking g if she wanted to do something over the school summer holidays ,we both had small children and she said she couldn't possibly as she had so many arrangements that summer ,so I never phoned her again and she hasent bothered to phone me it did hurt and I have no idea why she did this but I ,moved on .

saintlyjimjams · 21/10/2014 08:55

Unfollow rather than block on FB - that way their status updates won't irritate you but they won't know you're bothered (always think binning & blocking a bit childish unless you really have to go non contact)

The FB like thing may just have been a mistake - pressing it twice or missing it out accidentally or something

I would spend time with other friends though - they don't sound very nice.

greygreycreamgrey · 21/10/2014 09:21

I have been Wendied several times, and it is very hurtful and downright baffling when it happens.

One of my Wendys has gone full circle, wendying a variety of other friends and is now back trying to be my friend and trying to get me to turn against someone else. I don't know how she gets away with it.

pictish · 21/10/2014 09:24

DoJo - very true...and agreed. However, it does not negate the malicious intent of one to cause devastation to your life as you know it.

It happened to me a long long time ago, and despite obviously having grown up, moved on, got married, had kids, moved location a few times, made lots of new friends, have a nice, content, secure life now...I will never ever forget the pain and confusion of being unfortunate enough to come across one of these malignant individuals.

The friends involved at the time have in years since approached me to apologise for the whole sorry affair. They know they were played, as the woman went on to reveal herself as a real piece of work through her actions long after I had removed myself from the whole set up. I thought 'fuck this' and took off to find a new life elsewhere - best move I ever made.
I had no mind to take up with them again though - they showed me precisely the sort of 'friends' I had back then. I have no need of them now.

But you know...shallow friends are something most of us have to learn lessons about in our youth.
I pity anyone who has to learn it through a Wendy though. They're a special sort of cunt...the likes of which will still cause your skin to crawl with repugnance years on.

Grokette · 21/10/2014 09:31

I remember my mum was wendied by an actual Wendy once.

Original poster

GaryShitpeas · 21/10/2014 09:49

Bloody hell sorry to hear this has happened to so many of you

I honestly don't think my case is anywhere near as bad as some of these!

I'm lucky as although I don't have lots of friends I do have other friends apart from these pair, it's just I am te type of person that always concentrates on the negative! I was bullied badly at school, and always wanted to be popular but never was and I think this sort of thing reminds me of those horrible days.

Anyway As many have suggested I have just backed off and doing my own thing this week. Managed to make a few plans with other friends too. And perhaps this is childish of me but I had a genuinely lovely day yesterday with my dc and I made sure I put it on FB plus pictures! so if they saw it, I looked happy and looked like I don't give a crap! (Although tbh now got other stuff going on since yesterday that's frankly made this childish pair pale into insignificance )

OP posts:

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