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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Horrible In-laws and christmas Guilt.

76 replies

happyclapper · 19/10/2014 15:12

In a nutshell, DP never had a close relationship with his parents until I encouraged more contact when DS's born,
I've always been a bit awkward around them as they are very judgmental but they are DS's only grandparents and i wanted them to have a good relationship with them so I included them in EVERYTHING. We have spent every single 1 of our 15 christmas's with them until last year when we had a very bad falling out.
I assured them that I would never hinder them seeing their grandchildren but they have chosen to visit less frequently as they say they feel awkward and unwanted.
I am never there when they visit as I think the atmosphere would be horrible but they see this as being unacceptable.
DP does not want things to go back to normal as he would find the atmosphere too false.
He says if there want this to happen they should make the first move by phoning me to try and clear the air. They have never done this but instead pile the guilt on DP.
They have threatened him with disinheritence which he has never cared about so when that had no effect they said they would disinherit their grandchildren which we don't care much about either.
I think it is more a power struggle with them as they have always been able to bully DP but as I am a grown woman they can't bare that they have no control over me.
FIL has a fairly dodgy heart and now we are getting the ''I won't be here much longer" card.
So why do I feel guilty about the prospect of them not spending xmas with us?
If they did spend it with us it would take all the pleasure out of it for DP and I and haven't I done my bit already?
Sorry for long post.

OP posts:

Ohfourfoxache · 19/10/2014 15:23

Do what suits you and your family.

What was the original argument about?

Original poster

happyclapper · 19/10/2014 15:53

They got very involved with a friend of ours who basically turned out to be a complete nutter who used them to find out lots of personal things about us which she then used to try and split me and my DP up.
We asked them not to have anything to do with her but they ignored us and even invited her to their house.
They then went against ours wishes regarding involvement with the school to try and keep away from this person and actually started discussing our business with any random parent they could find.
They lied to us about when they were picking the children up and basically said that they would do what the hell they liked.
There is a long history of unpleasantness.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 16:01

God they sound toxic, there was a reason why your dh distanced himself, now you are finding that out yourself! I personally would distance yourselves, they are not going to be the grandparents you want them to be. Instead of running around trying to please them, just please yourselves.

Ohfourfoxache · 19/10/2014 16:03

Bloody hell

Do not feel guilty, they sound vile.

Do what is best for you and yours.

Nomama · 19/10/2014 16:04

Support your DP in having minimal contact, he may choose NC anyway.

But you can drop out completely. I did for a number of years. He went to see them I stayed home (OK, I was ill with CFS and spent all my non working time semi comatose) but when I was able to move more, I chose which occasions I went to. DH used to pass on any invitations and make his choice after I had.

SIL and MIL were a tad vicious for many years. I managed to get DH and MIL on an even keel - I let him rant about her then forgot all the nasty names he called her and pretended she was OK. When she died he was able to cope where his siblings could not. They still had a very childlike relationship with her. They fully internalised her suicide, making it all about them. He went off on a 'selfish bitch' rant and worked his way through a whole range of emotions.

So I wouldn't worry about your DH and the 'death threats'. Allow him to talk about it and he will come to an understanding about them. He will be fine.

Good luck.

DixieTreats · 19/10/2014 16:07

My ex in-laws sound identical to yours. Except we live next door to them....!
They have no respect for either myself or dd father. They do what they think is best, despite told to do the complete opposite and that clearly being the best thing, they have waded in with the school, they treat her like a baby - as you say, there is a long history of unpleasantness. Too much to put down here. Anyway - the upshot is that after much deliberation we have gone NC. Permanently. It's sad and not what we wished, in fact I battled for years to give them a good relationship with dd after her father and I separated, but it cannot be done. They are toxic.

Sometimes you have to do something regardless of preferences.

Topaz25 · 19/10/2014 16:07

You feel guilty because you are a nice person. After spending 15 Christmases with them you are not spending this one with them because of their behaviour. It is not your fault.

morethanpotatoprints · 19/10/2014 16:14

Your dh initially distanced himself because of this and no gps are better than toxic ones.
As your dh isn't bothered about them and they are causing so much trouble, just go nc and have your own wonderful xmas.

Original poster

happyclapper · 19/10/2014 16:24

Thank-you for your replies. I think I knew what to do but just need someone to say they are not my responsibility. I don't know why I feel responsible but they really are unpleasant people.
I think it's because I don't want the boys to miss out.

OP posts:

Chottie · 19/10/2014 16:29

Please put yourself and your DC first, your ILs sound awful (and I am a GM and MiL myself). They, and they alone are responsible for their behaviour.

Sparkletastic · 19/10/2014 16:29

Miss out on what though? They aren't nice people and they use emotional blackmail. The staggering disloyalty and untrustworthy behaviour leads me to think you and yours would be far better off without them in your lives.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 16:29

What are they missing out on? Not much. What do the grandparents do for your ds. Do they spend time with them, take them out etc.

GoodtoBetter · 19/10/2014 16:30

Miss out on what? Having people be horrible to their parents? Don't think that's much to cry over missing.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 16:31

I agree sparkle, it just seems they bring negativity to the table and nothing much.

Nomama · 19/10/2014 16:32

But the DCs won't be missing out on anything you'd want them to have.

Don't fall into the Happy Family trap. Very few people actually have family that shape. So you don't have to chase it, for yourself, DH or DCs.

Nanny0gg · 19/10/2014 16:32

Your boys aren't missing out (and I speak as a grandparent who would be devastated to lose my DGC).

If they treat your and your DH badly then it will affect your DC. Your DC aren't stupid.

Keep them away.

diddl · 19/10/2014 16:35

Not seeing GPs is better than having to see shit ones!

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 16:38

I agree diddle, better no grandparents, than toxic ones. Your ds will know no different!

Yarp · 19/10/2014 16:43

The boys will not miss out on a relationship with people who do not respect their parents. Not all parents, or grandparents are made equal.

You sound like you have done all in your power; you and your DH are in agreement. Don't feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong.

CadmiumRed · 19/10/2014 16:47

"I don't know why I feel responsible "

Because it was you who re-kindled the relationship between your DH and his Ps once your kids were born.

You presumably had a vision of providing perfect grandparents for your kids as there are no others....and pursued this despite awkwardness and whatever had distanced the relationship in the first place.

Shrug and admit your dream vision was over-optimistic, and however hard you try, you can't make people slot into your version of how life should be.

Sorry it's gone tits up, but stand firm. Your DH has a line - that they need to apologise, which they clearly will not - and if he can't stand the guilt tripping, let him find a way to deal with it. By telling them that they were out of order, they need to apologise and the ball is n their court.

It's not for you to do anything at all. Just decide in partnership with DH whether you want them for Christmas and as the answer will be no, don't invite them and leave him to deal with it.

Interestingly you don't say what HE wants to do about Christmas.

Yarp · 19/10/2014 16:51

Yes, I wonder whether it became your dream because you'd lost your own parents. You sound lovely. The grandparent/ grandchild relationship can be lovely. It is sad your children did not get to experience this, but none of it is your fault. You have tried and they are just not up to the job.

I think parents who let their DCs see their parents be abused by the grandparents can end up very confused and conflicted.

Original poster

happyclapper · 19/10/2014 18:15

Sorry for going awol....had unexpected visitors.
Well as you have said I quess I was chasing the ideal family especially as I never had any grandparents at all and as DP is an only child there aren't many aunts and uncles.
I have a lovely brother and sister but they don't live close by so visits are not frequent.
To be honest DS1 isn't that bothered about seeing his GP's and moans constantly if he has to visit them but that is just an age thing I think. He is 11.
What I hate most about in-laws is that they contributed to a lot of the upset that occurred and made no effort to protect DS's. They would make the most awful scenes right in front of them while we would be trying to usher them out of ear shot.
DP is very much on my side but just doesn't know how to handle them.
Last christmas which we spent on our own for the first time they went crazy down the phone at him on christmas day when he called them to wish them Happy Christmas as they had discovered that we had gone out for lunch. As we normally did this with them they thought this was completely unacceptable. They ruined the day for him shouting down the phone for an hour.
I am happy for them to see DS's whenever they want but I will not have our day with them spoiled so I would prefer them to see DS1 for example the day after his birthday. They have always seen them on their actual birthday, even though they often turned up late.
Their latest rant is because they think this is unreasonable and DP doesn't know how to handle it. He has said to me to do nothing and told them the ball is in their court but they don't agree.
It's a stalemate but they are likely to turn up and make a scene if they don't get what they want.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/10/2014 18:24

Not if they don't know where you are on the day...which ever day that is.

You need to follow his lead and disengage. They can only argue if someone else is arguing back.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 18:29

There lies your answer, they cause trouble, are controlling and are nasty. None of your op includes any positives they contribute, as I guess there is none. Stop trying to build up a relationship with them and your ds, whilst their behaviour is like this its not going to happen. Distance yourself, and enjoy Christmas day on your own. You know that if they were involved they will only ruin it for you all. Stop chasing the dream, and see the reality that you have.

backbystealth · 19/10/2014 18:36

Yep you gave them every chance and included them in your lives because you are a nice person. They have thrown it back in your face and then some. You owe them precisely fuck all.

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