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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Horrible In-laws and christmas Guilt.

76 replies

happyclapper · 19/10/2014 15:12

In a nutshell, DP never had a close relationship with his parents until I encouraged more contact when DS's born,
I've always been a bit awkward around them as they are very judgmental but they are DS's only grandparents and i wanted them to have a good relationship with them so I included them in EVERYTHING. We have spent every single 1 of our 15 christmas's with them until last year when we had a very bad falling out.
I assured them that I would never hinder them seeing their grandchildren but they have chosen to visit less frequently as they say they feel awkward and unwanted.
I am never there when they visit as I think the atmosphere would be horrible but they see this as being unacceptable.
DP does not want things to go back to normal as he would find the atmosphere too false.
He says if there want this to happen they should make the first move by phoning me to try and clear the air. They have never done this but instead pile the guilt on DP.
They have threatened him with disinheritence which he has never cared about so when that had no effect they said they would disinherit their grandchildren which we don't care much about either.
I think it is more a power struggle with them as they have always been able to bully DP but as I am a grown woman they can't bare that they have no control over me.
FIL has a fairly dodgy heart and now we are getting the ''I won't be here much longer" card.
So why do I feel guilty about the prospect of them not spending xmas with us?
If they did spend it with us it would take all the pleasure out of it for DP and I and haven't I done my bit already?
Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 19/10/2014 18:36

he let them rant on the phone for half an hour? blimey he should have hung up on them and then unplugged/switched off the phone.

I echo what everyone else said, you are better off without them, it's their loss and they only have themselves to blame.

Hissy · 19/10/2014 18:36

please don't allow them free access to your dc. they aren't good enough to be trusted with that responsibility!

your H had the right idea about distance, and with all the best and well meaning intentions in the world you cajoled him into going against what would have taken him a long time and lot of effort to acheive.

don't whatever you do/dh does allow them the space to ruin christmas this year. let him send a text if he feels so obliged, but then phones off.

IF they have the nerve to get shitty,. let them do it to voicemail, and tell them that this is the reason why you won't allow communications between them and your family. only when they know how to behave. (they'll love that Wink)

keep strong lovey, christmas is a crappy time for dysfunctional families, if you need any support, post here, or come on over to stately homes thread, we'll be there for you/your h for as long as you need it!

Original poster
happyclapper · 19/10/2014 18:55

Wow. You are all so lovely. To be fair they have been very good to the boys and have helped out with childcare when asked but I guess it has always been on their terms. They have always made a big show of ''adoring' them but I do remember incidences like when DS1 was 2yrs old and having a mild tantrum in the street and they crossed over the road and pretended they weren't with us. Stuff like that.........
They used to join us for the last couple of days of our holidays ( my idea) and then completely ruin it for us by demanding we spend every minute of it with them. The last holiday we invited them to join us they left a nasty note on our car windscreen when we popped out without them because we couldn't reach them on the phone as the mobile reception was bad.
We never invited them again after that.
It really struck a chord when you said, Hiisy, that it had taken DP a long time to distance himself from them and that I cajoled him into rebuilding something that was pretty much over.
I wish I never had.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 19:11

Now just distance yourselves from them and move forward.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/10/2014 19:12

I feel sorry for your DH.

Pushed back in to a relationship that he didn't want and now that you don't want to be involved he has to sit there with a set of parents that he distanced himself from because you don't want to be in the same room as them but still want them to have a "good relationship" with your kids.

Original poster
happyclapper · 19/10/2014 19:38

I am happy to be in the same room if they acknowledge the part they played in almost destroying our relationship and offer some sort of apology, however small.
My DP has enjoyed building a closer bond when times were better. I'm not going to feel guilty for wanting my in-laws and children to have a relationship.
The easy route is to prevent them from seeing each other but that would only benefit me and sadden everyone else.

OP posts:
Yarp · 19/10/2014 19:42

It sounds as if they aren't capable of that change. Fundamentally self centred? I think you need to follow his lead. It seems like he is pretty clear in how he wants to manage this now.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 19:43

Would it? I don't think so op, your dp was distanced from them before you met, it does not sound like they have much of a relationship with your ds despite your efforts. Hw likely is it for them to rake responsibility for their actions, not very likely! Look out for yourselves, none of you need this grief that they will bring, as that us what they bring from the sounds of your op.

Yarp · 19/10/2014 19:44

That was in response to the last line. It would benefit your DH too. He is trying to assert himself, and that's got to be hard for him. He isn't just doing that for your benefit

Original poster
happyclapper · 19/10/2014 19:47

I am happy to follow his lead.......particularly as that means a peaceful xmas! I just can't comprehend how they can be so stubborn and nasty. They have lead very easy, comfortable lives with no reason to be so spiteful and selfish. I have seen them treat other relatives harshly. At least it's not just us!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 19:48

A relationship requires both to make it work, with your in laws behaviour, it will not! You cannot change them, they have to themselves which they are not.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 19:49

They just sound nasty and toxic, some people just are!

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 19/10/2014 20:35

The easy route is to prevent them from seeing each other but that would only benefit me and sadden everyone else.

Are you sure?

Uusally when people are this tricky, as some one else said - you cant handle them your dh cant handle them but you want to leave small defenseless dc with them Confused

Your are or you were chasing the dream so many of us had too and after a long and painful slog at the coal face, realised chasing our own projections of what we imagined but reality, not there.

give up, have some dignity, put your foot down, and enjoy xmas.

Itsfab · 19/10/2014 20:47

Tell your DH to never again let his parents yell down the phone at him for an hour. He is a grown man. He needed to say I will not be spoken too like that, I am hanging up if it continues then follow through.

Ohfourfoxache · 19/10/2014 20:48

Sometimes you have to take a step back and realise that you're not going to have the relationship with them that you dreamed of. It's hard to do, especially if you have bent over backwards to include them in your lives. You know that old saying about taking a horse to water? Sadly sometimes no matter how much you want something to be good/perfect/acceptable, it doesn't always happen.

Unfortunately I can relate - 14 years on with my ils and I'm sick of trying.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/10/2014 21:07

Has he really enjoy "a closer relationship" or has he just done this for you?

either way he was happy not to have a great deal to do with them, I am sure that he had a very good reason for this.

Kundry · 19/10/2014 21:16

would sadden everyone else

Um, your DS doesn't like them or want to spend time with them, your DH hates them and was practically NC before you persuaded him to see them, you don't want to be in the same room as them.

Who is sad here Confused

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 21:23

Nobody Kundry, just wish op would see it!

Kundry · 19/10/2014 21:26

True!

Again the easy route would be to prevent them from seeing each other

If the OP didn't push things, it sounds as if the DS and DH wouldn't need preventing from seeing them, they hate them and would be glad of the opportunity not to. No preventing required!

Original poster
happyclapper · 19/10/2014 21:30

its very difficult to explain a relationship in such brief snapshots. I think I made things worse by not being the daughter-in-law they expected. I didn't have a very close relationship with my mother and I just can't do that sort of closeness. I just wanted to create an environment where they could enjoy their grandchildren as we are really the only family they have left.
I've learnt my lesson.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyclapper · 19/10/2014 21:34

I've always had very mixed messages from DP and in-laws in that they openly behave quite loving but then DP would tell me stories of the way they behaved when he was growing up. Basically very controlling.
They can do lots of affection but then stick the knife in. I expect they did a good job on me and sucked me in.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyclapper · 19/10/2014 21:38

Just seen your post Kundry. DH and DS don't hate them. DS's both love them very much but DS1 is just at that age where he is more interested in his friends and his iPad so we do have o force him to spend time with them. i think DS2 would miss them if he didn't see them.
DP loves them because they are his parents but he knows they are not nice people.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 21:59

Happy clapper I would not force it. For ds to not care much about seeing them, he must have picked up tge negativity from them. Children are quite perceptive. If they were the loving caring grandparents you wanted, I am sure your ds would feel closer to them, but they are not, and your ds attitude reflects this!

Original poster
happyclapper · 19/10/2014 22:07

When DS1 didn't turn up for a very short visit in the summer FIL said DP should have made him come. I honestly am in two minds as he seems to be alright when he is there but I have no point of reference regarding grandparents.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 19/10/2014 22:25

If DP has said to do nothing, well, they're his parents and I'd do as he wishes. As far as ruining Christmas; if you invite them it sounds as if you are 99% sure something bad will happen. If you don't invite them, all you have to worry about is a nasty phone call telling you off. Phones can be unplugged or sent to voicemail. It's a bit harder to shove an unpleasant guest out the door (especially if there are children watching).

I personally wouldn't want to have anything to do with anyone who feels they have the right, over my express objections, to trumpet my personal business to all and sundry or who stick their nose in my business. That's such a violation of one of the most basic rules of 'family' that it almost requires you to go NC or at least very superficial contact.

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