Horrible In-laws and christmas Guilt.

[happyclapper]

In a nutshell, DP never had a close relationship with his parents until I encouraged more contact when DS's born,
I've always been a bit awkward around them as they are very judgmental but they are DS's only grandparents and i wanted them to have a good relationship with them so I included them in EVERYTHING. We have spent every single 1 of our 15 christmas's with them until last year when we had a very bad falling out.
I assured them that I would never hinder them seeing their grandchildren but they have chosen to visit less frequently as they say they feel awkward and unwanted.
I am never there when they visit as I think the atmosphere would be horrible but they see this as being unacceptable.
DP does not want things to go back to normal as he would find the atmosphere too false.
He says if there want this to happen they should make the first move by phoning me to try and clear the air. They have never done this but instead pile the guilt on DP.
They have threatened him with disinheritence which he has never cared about so when that had no effect they said they would disinherit their grandchildren which we don't care much about either.
I think it is more a power struggle with them as they have always been able to bully DP but as I am a grown woman they can't bare that they have no control over me.
FIL has a fairly dodgy heart and now we are getting the ''I won't be here much longer" card.
So why do I feel guilty about the prospect of them not spending xmas with us?
If they did spend it with us it would take all the pleasure out of it for DP and I and haven't I done my bit already?
Sorry for long post.

Ohfourfoxache Sun 19-Oct-14 20:48:44

same here

Happy, you need to step back. I met my in laws and thought they were x y and z..but generally OK and could have been worse.

My DH knew what they were like.

I thought I could bring them all together again and sort out their differences.

.

10 years later we do not speak. I totally understand why my DH had problems with them and I undermined him in recognizing this and not staying out of it.

A huge mistake I made was encourage dh to make more effort with them, when he didn't want too.

1. it was never appreciated anyway.

2. when we fell out they blamed me for his stopping signs of affection.

But it was me behind them.

Phones can be unplugged or sent to voicemail. It's a bit harder to shove an unpleasant guest out the door (especially if there are children watching)

You need to tell your DH that if they phone and he ansas and they have a go at him, there is no one but himself to blame.
As an adult he can choose to let them in or out of his life,and picking up the phone when past precedent has shown it will be rude and horrible,make him silly.

stop being silly, do not let them in, do not pick up phone, delete messages,and emails.

Op npt 100% understanding your situ with the friend, but it seems like they dont like you and LOVED that they found a friend who felt the same way, and they seized on it and hoped you would break up with your Dh?

Amouse, it wasn't like that I don't think but I'm not sure what they thought they were doing going behind our back. If I think about it now it just makes my bloodboil and I have fantasies about what I would like to say to them if I ever ddid see them again.....none if it good.
The frustrating thing is that this woman would be delightedif she knew that she had helped in ruining even just a part of our family.

I am happy to be in the same room if they acknowledge the part they played in almost destroying our relationship and offer some sort of apology, however small.

darling that's never, ever, ever going to happen!

people like his parents (and mine) don't apologise! ever! it's our job to (apparently) just suck it up, for ever!

I know you cajoled, but you did it from a good place, you weren't to know these people were do awful.

you need to go full on mumma bear mode now, and unite with dh to prtoect him and your children from these dreadful people.

you'll need to keep reminding yourself of what your H has told you about who they are and why he wants distance. yes I know it hurts to do this, but imagine what it was like for him to experience it?

it's a shame some people have to go through it, no-one should. don't blame yourself at all for having applied normal family experience to abnormal family situations. you wouldn't be the first, or last, this stuff is hard to get your head around.

You are right Hissy. I don't know why I keep doubting it. I am determined now to stick with DPs stance and no more benefit of the doubt.
As I write this though I just know they will make life so difficult for him demanding to see the boys on those special days and not an hour later.
I'm sure normal GPs or those that live further away wouldn't have a problem seeing grandkids the weekend after their birthday or just after xmas.

Yes OP, don't kick yourself for what you tried to do. Your intentions were good even if the results weren't. But cut your losses and have no regrets about doing so.

X-post with you, OP. If they attempt to 'corner' DP, well, he's a big boy and should be able to handle it. Tell him you are sorry for the problems, if you feel it necessary. But he will need to take it from here with them.

Thanks Pond55. I am going to have a long talk with DP tomorrow to fix it in my head what I need to do and for us both to come up with a plan so we can tell them once and for all how it us going to be. I have toyed with the idea of writing them a letterto explain why I do not want to see them as they just don't seem to get it. It's bizarre to me that they are even bothered by me not being there when they visit. Surely that's better for them. But I guess its the control thing.....not being able to tell me how to behave.

I think it's important that you and DH present a united front. If his parents have even an inkling of a belief that it is mainly 'you', they will continue to try and bully him. I think any letter should be from both of you, even if it's mainly you and all he adds is 'I agree and will stand with my wife'.

I don't think the letter is a good idea.

people loke these will use it as proof of how awfulyou/dp are. leave no evidence ideally :

effective methods here are to agree what you amd dp will or will not accept, stick to it like a limpit to a rock, and get yourself some stock broken record phrases.

"that doesn't work for us'
we've decided to do this our was
kindly respect our decision

or similar. just use on repeat as needed, and refuse to allow them to 'discuss' or negotiate.

It's clear that the relationship between your family and your ILS is never going to work, however hard you try. For every problem you encounter with them, look at solutions which will suit you, DH and the DCS.

For example Christmas; don't invite them for Christmas day. If you think they will turn up anyway, look at doing something different or going somewhere else and maintain phone silence, definitely don't let them know of your plans. If they phone to invite you, say you have other plans. Employ the broken record technique 'Thank you for the invitation but we have made other plans'

The DC's birthdays, again give no information about parties or where you will be, and the same for holidays, if you don't want them joining you and spoiling it for everyone.

As I see it, if people make a nuisance of themselves at gatherings, upset everyone and spoil it, they don't get invited again, family or not. When you and DH stick to your plans together it will be much happier and relaxed for everyone. They are never going to change, but you and DH can change how you respond to them.

For the record, they should not have any responsibility for the DC, babysitting, picking up from school etc it's a risk that they will drip poison into their ears about you. They've already attempted to ruin DH'S life.

Horrible people.

Your children will work that out for themselves anyway.

Take care of you and yours. Your poor dh must hVe had an unhappy childhood.

Some people are just plain nasty.

I don't think your DS not wanting to see them is an age thing at all. I'm not sure what you mean by he's alright once he is with them - I suspect he's being polite and making the best of a bad situation once he is with them.

It's really hard to maintain emotional distance IME - your always at risk of being sucked back in as there are good times. Then the bad times hit and you desperately try and put distance in place.

As for demanding that what they want - well decide what you - your DH and your DC want and stick to it - be a broken record or completely ignore.

They are very unlikely to change - so it's all about managing their behaviour so talk to your DP and listen to him about how to proceed. Plus don't rely on them for childcare or anything - I'd be amazed if they weren't dripping poison on those occasions.

Ditch the guilt - focus on your DC and DH and you having a good and enjoyable Christmas.

You have your answers, unless they improve their behaviour dramatically definitely distance yourselves. They have to take responsibility for their behaviour. If that means not seeing you all than so be it. Does not sound like they contribute much to your ds lives really.

I'm beginning to think I've been very naïve about their behaviours over the years. DP has always been very secretive with them even about the most trivial things and I never really understood it as they could aappear so harmless most of the time.
It is only since this upset that I have really seen where their loyalties lie and that is with themselves.
I was worried about what they may have said to DS and my priority now us protecting them.
They even had the audacity to complain to DP that I had a picture of my deceased parents on the landing and there wasnt a picture of them.
I'm not big on pictures apart from of DSs and I had only recently found my parent's picture and put it out.
They have also been extremely rude to my family who refuse to now have anything to do with them.

DP has always been very secretive with them even about the most trivial things and I never really understood it as they could appear so harmless most of the time.

I've learnt that - less information they have less interference and ammunition they have.

It's one of those thing you tend to learn over time - and usually more than once - and you get to the stage where something's it just doesn't even cross your mind to mention.

Lack of information can in itself be taken to be hurtful and upsetting by the people in question - and you can find yourself weakening or relaxing your guard and IME you always regret it eventually.

I think you are right Brujo. It always seemed a strange way to behave to me as I am quite an open person, to my cost. I now appreciate he had his reasons as he saw all this coming I think.

I don't know why I keep doubting it.

society pressures us, its all rosey families and esp at xmas time, of course you feel guilty, its natural.

we are getting badgered about xmas too, by people who literally cant give a shit about us - and want the children.

I want my DH to tell them to F off, but I must try and let him deal with it.

"DP has always been very secretive with them even about the most trivial things and I never really understood it as they could appear so harmless most of the time."

Combined with them being controlling, this is very telling, OP. Knowledge is indeed power, and your DP found a way to deny them some of that power. The less they knew, the less able to manipulate him . I feel it is time for you to take his hard-won tactic and apply it yourself. If they don't know, they can't use.

"As I write this though I just know they will make life so difficult for him demanding to see the boys on those special days and not an hour later."
Then you need to plan ahead. No more standing taking them ranting at him for an hour on the phone. If you can't bring yourselves to hang up on them, then get an answerphone/call screening on your landline, and simply don't answer it if it's them. Let the machine take a message, and respond to it only if it suits you to do so. Consider blocking them on your mobiles.

And remember, you hold the trump card - access to your DSs. The cannot demand - well, they can, but you can refuse to comply. It is up to you when/if they see your children, and you can spell it out to them that demands will never be met but requests may be considered. I personally would be inclined to limit your DS's exposure to this toxic pair. They will drip poison in their ears, and they absolutely do not model anything healthy.

Knowledge is indeed power, and your DP found a way to deny them some of that power. The less they knew, the less able to manipulate him

OP mine has been exactly the same, uses phrases like Uh Huh, maybe, possibly and so on.

Totally agree with all of Whereyouleft its posts.

Oh I wish I had had all of this wisdom way back when we first had DS's. I am afraid I have dragged Dp's parents back into his life when , as you so rightly say, he had spent years finding a way to block them out.
Now I think his defences are too low and he is once again unable to assert himself with them.
He does what he can in his own way by still giving them only the information he wants them to have and by only returning their calls when he can handle it.
We don't have landline so there is no problem there and they obviously never call me. When they ring him he usually leaves it till the end of the day when he is ready to speak to them.
However there are the occasions when he feels obliged to ring them, e.g.. Christmas day hence the ranting last year.
I had all the warning I should have needed when, shortly after the birth of DS1 he said that he didn't want his parents anywhere near his son. I thought it was an over reaction to the overwhelming emotion you feel on the birth of a child and said it won't fair to exclude them.
How I regret that!

Well it can happen again. Give dp tge confidence for him to assert himself to distance from them. Do it! No calls at Christmas or birthdays, hanging up if they get nasty. It can be done again! It's all or nothing, so nothing in their case.

Unfortunately I know DP couldn't ignore them completely so he will always maintain some contact but thankfully he would rather I didn't get involved.
Small mercies....

happy we live and learn and one way to look at it is, if you had listened to him from the start you would always be wonderfing if you were doing the right thing, and can they really be that bad.

now you know for sure.