To tell dh that if by some remote chance I get a job that's it?

[Lovedmywildway]

I've been a sahm since ds was born five years ago. When he started reception last year I didn't go back to work and instead we had three rounds of failed Ivf. I volunteered four days a week instead so that I was doing something and so that I could take time at short notice to attend appointments, have egg collection, recover from yet another failed cycle etc.

Dh wants to keep trying, we are now chasing this pipe dream by planning on going to Spain for donor embryo treatment, we can afford another three cycles.
However he is also putting a lot of pressure on me to go back to work. He doesn't see why he should carry all the financial responsibility which is fair enough. He earns approx £90k so we can afford for me to stay at home, it's more he thinks it's unfair that I'm at home. Well volunteering but not bringing any worth to the house.
I've applied for jobs and miracously have two interviews next week. We were planning to go to Spain in January but I've tried to explain that if I get one of these jobs it won't be possible. They are teaching jobs. I cannot start a new job and then ask for days off to go to Spain, particularly a teaching job. His blasé repsonse was "you'll just have to phone in sick" which I'm not doing, I can't cope with the stress of Ivf treatment abroad, ds and trying to organise a full time teaching job around it. I just can't. If I wasnt a teacher it wouldn't be so bad but I feel even if I get a job doing something else asking for time off at short notice is going to be hard when I've just started.

I've said we will have to wait for next summer and hope that my cycle fits in with the holidays, which it might but then it might not.

I'll probably be told I'm a lazy wimp, im sure most people could cope with the stress but I honestly feel for me it's one or the other. I can go back to teaching or I can pursue this fertility treatment further. I cannot do both. I genuinely think if I do I will have some sort of breakdown. Individually they are stressful, doing both together I just don't think I will cope.

So Wibu to say to dh if I find a job then that's it? No more?

You could go for supply or tutoring students out of school. That's what I do. Zero hour contract but a brilliant rate of pay. Good job satisfaction and next to no stress. Highly recommend it.

How would things be worse for your DS if you were to separate from this horrible avaricious cold man?
His father is away a lot with hobbies/work and does not do much with him. If you separated and he had to go on access visits, DS would have to have one to one time with his dad (I can't bring myself to call him your DH).
Your DS would see his beloved mum a lot more relaxed and happier without the spectre of never being good enough or worthy enough hanging over you.
Another baby may come along in the future but it matters not one bit if they have different fathers.
The situation you are in is intolerable, job/baby quandary aside. Your husband is the root of all your misery, and he is NOT the root of your DS's happiness. Don't stay with him to 'keep DS's family together'. Just don't. YOU are DS's family.

He just doesn't think he should financially have to support me now that ds is at school and I'm not adding any value.

I can't bear to read the rest of the thread.

He's a pig.

"And ds loves his little family. I could never split it up."

With respect, your ds doesn't give it a thought. He is 5 years old and live just is. But he will become aware of exactly what kind of family he does have when he realises Daddy is a bully and Mummy thinks she is worthless. You wouldn't be splitting anything up. It is your husband's bullying and attitude that would be doing that and you aren't currently a family anyway .

You're keeping yourself in this misery for DS's sake? Really? Take this to the Relationships board and ask some of the wise and wonderful women there whether as grown ups they are thankful that their mothers stayed with abusive arses just to keep the family unit together. I can tell you now what the answer will be.

He sounds like a nasty bully. Why does he get to decide your "worth".

I want to echo what others have said. Your value as a person is NOT dictated by your reproductive activity or your job status. YANBU to your original question, as it would clearly be highly difficult, but you have deeper issues than this - your self esteem being the biggest one. YOU deserve more than this and so does your DS - do you really think he'll grow up happily with a downtrodden mother? Honestly?

Your husband should be supporting what you want and what makes you happy - at the moment this is clearly not happening and it is NOT ok.

I suspect your DS is too little to pick up on the problems here, but he will do in time, which means your DS' happiness is tied up with yours.

Please have a serious discussion with your husband, and maybe consider relationship counselling to see if you can sort this out. If not, you need to have a long hard think about the relationship.

I can't stand men who expect their wives to work at no inconvenience to themselves. If I was you I would tell your DH that if you work you will be expecting him to contribute more to childcare and housework. Don't even consider IVF until things are more equal between you and you feel established in your job.

He sounds such a charmer, you dont add value! Did he phone in sick to accompany you for ivf?

I agree work may be the best plan, it will give you financial independence so you can leave if you want. Please don't tell me that he wants bills split 50/50 or you buy all the food plus car costs plus your child's things. How will he sort out childcare for when he is away on business and you have a late meeting? Do you have to pay for childcare?

Of course your child loves his family. Unfortunately all little children love their family regardless of what they witness or are subjected to. Just remember he is learning about relationships from you and your 'd'h.

You sound lovely. You deserve to be treated well.

I'm AMAZED your still having sex. At least you must be doing that right otherwise he'd be on his toes down the street, wouldn't he ?

DH wants to do both

Good for him. Maybe he needs to acquire a uterus for himself then and get on with the IVF as planned?

For someone who 'adds no value' to the family you certainly seem to be very important to his plans. He couldn't work the hours he works without you having flexibility to care for your DS. He can't have another child without you going through painful and stressful medical procedures. He is not really doing much for you in return, is he?

Your biggest problem here is your selfish, unsupportive DH. He needs to wake up and stop being such a wanker.

WOW! How inconsiderate and selfish.
Look after your own interests-no-one else is. What do you most want?

You need to take the job you get, cancel ivf for the moment and start putting money aside for the day you leave. As as you're back in work you'll realise that this is no life for you and you will decide to move on.

Foolish, selfish git doesn't realise that once you're contributing financially and understanding that other people have a high and warm opinion of you, his baby-dinner-money maker will be gone. And no more than he richly deserves.

Please go for the jobs and then when you are in, use occupational health to get some counselling. Only continue with the IVF once you feel mentally stronger and once you have been in new post for a year and have a feel for the situation. You are young by the standards of IVF and success is associated with the age of the donor. Going abroad for IVF is a very different proposition - as you say, flying abroad with a couple of days' notice is more or less out of the question in a new job anywhere but especially in a school. YANBU at all and it just shows your DH considers your needs and plans of little worth. Also your DS's needs.

I will just say that men get upset about infertility too, so your DH may not be quite as frightful as he sounds here, but patronising and pressurising you is not the solution.

Wouldn't DS have to come out of school too, making the summer holidays a better time anyway?

Possibly my mom might be able to come and stop. She's too far away to ferry him back and forth but she's retired so said she could come and stop. We wouldn't take him, probably wouldn't take him even in the holidays tbh.

You deserve better - and that means your DS does too.

Your DH sounds like a right prick.

But assuming he has some redeeming qualities and you don't want to LTB, I reckon your idea of supply teaching is the way to go. You don't really need to be bringing in a significant wage with him on a paypacket like that, so you can restrict your hours to suit what you can cope with, take time off for spain and IVF treatment whenever you want, and refuse to allow your job to be a source of stress to you.

How much do you want another chill ??

I think you need to have a long talk - about his respect for you as well as this decision. I think he gets awkward about it as - being your body you have final say really, it is out of his control - and at £90k I would imagine he has some control at work and is under the impression that his salary gives him final say at home - except for this - so then out come some tactics which don't put him in a good light alongside his displays of disrespect to you. You have to decide what is important to you and lay down what is ok and what is not - if what you and he feel is important or is at juxtaposition to his ie his respect for you as the mother of his child and woman he married you then need to work out whether there is movement on either side or if it is a deal breaker.

You are of equal worth in this family regardless if salary - you have sacrificed your career in order to support a joint decision, he doesn't get to call any shots just because of his wage - he has an equal voice to yours as it is a partnership. But he is presenting you with two incompatible requests and Yanbu to tell him is won't work - that to do both will require some re jigging - and you will only have the opportunity to do ivf in the summer holidays so one chance per year - which would be less gruelling on your body anyway.

I really really want another child.
But I think it's important to be realistic - the Spanish clinic have given us about a 55% success rate.
However the clinic over here gave us a similar rate based on the fact id had a previous natural pregnancy and was relatively young...but 3 attempts later and still no baby.

So yes I really desperately want another child but I am aware at some point I will have to say enough is enough.

He is very much in 'work mode' a lot of the time. He works at home quite often if not away and since doing that I'd say his 'I'm the boss' attitude has got worse. He's got an office at home and now the two life areas seem more blurred.

He won't discuss problems regarding anything, he's always been like this. He just loses his temper and flies off the handle.

I'm in agreement with the poster who said you need some assertive classes. Please look into it maybe you will realize a loving partner doesn't make the other feel like shit for kicks.

I don't know why you would bring another child into the world to a father who has zero respect for it's mother.

Your husband is a horrible prick, I hope you can fight back and show your ds that Daddy is wrong for talking to you as if you are a lazy burden. He has no right to belittle your volunteer work or the work you do at home.

Ps also explain to him the costs of childcare - and a cleaner to pick up his slack unless he is going to be giving up weekend hobbies for cleaning as you certainly won't be working and doing all the cleaning on top of the fact that he is expecting you to do all the weekend childcare and evening childcare when he is away - I would probably say at least one weekend day of no hobbies and that is shared family time your his day with dc if you have something to do as you will no longer have the time in the week to maintain your social life. Bloody well set some expectations as in what you expect him to do in considering the changes that will be happening in your household - he can't possibly be expecting not to be picking up extra household work and responsibilities when you are back at work.

So you would have another baby with a man who thinks you have no value? I am surprised your xroads consists of job or baby, what about the other big issue in your life; DH or no DH?