To tell dh that if by some remote chance I get a job that's it?

[Lovedmywildway]

I've been a sahm since ds was born five years ago. When he started reception last year I didn't go back to work and instead we had three rounds of failed Ivf. I volunteered four days a week instead so that I was doing something and so that I could take time at short notice to attend appointments, have egg collection, recover from yet another failed cycle etc.

Dh wants to keep trying, we are now chasing this pipe dream by planning on going to Spain for donor embryo treatment, we can afford another three cycles.
However he is also putting a lot of pressure on me to go back to work. He doesn't see why he should carry all the financial responsibility which is fair enough. He earns approx £90k so we can afford for me to stay at home, it's more he thinks it's unfair that I'm at home. Well volunteering but not bringing any worth to the house.
I've applied for jobs and miracously have two interviews next week. We were planning to go to Spain in January but I've tried to explain that if I get one of these jobs it won't be possible. They are teaching jobs. I cannot start a new job and then ask for days off to go to Spain, particularly a teaching job. His blasé repsonse was "you'll just have to phone in sick" which I'm not doing, I can't cope with the stress of Ivf treatment abroad, ds and trying to organise a full time teaching job around it. I just can't. If I wasnt a teacher it wouldn't be so bad but I feel even if I get a job doing something else asking for time off at short notice is going to be hard when I've just started.

I've said we will have to wait for next summer and hope that my cycle fits in with the holidays, which it might but then it might not.

I'll probably be told I'm a lazy wimp, im sure most people could cope with the stress but I honestly feel for me it's one or the other. I can go back to teaching or I can pursue this fertility treatment further. I cannot do both. I genuinely think if I do I will have some sort of breakdown. Individually they are stressful, doing both together I just don't think I will cope.

So Wibu to say to dh if I find a job then that's it? No more?

Because I really really want another baby? Preferably with the same dad that ds has. That's important to me. And if I don't have another baby with him because we give up or treatment fails then I'd probably never have had a baby with anyone else either.
And ds loves his little family. I could never split it up.

I'm sorry that you are going through that. Not only you have the stress of trying for a baby and seeing it being unsuccessful, doing 3 IVF cycles that are physically and emotionally draining but on the top of it, you have a DH that thinks it's OK to put you don on a regular basis when things aren't going 'his' way :(

I ca completely understand why you are saying that you have to choose between IVF or work. IVF do take a lot fo time with appointments, etc and there is no way you can do that when you are just starting. On the top of it, stress will lower your chances anyway so starting a new job isn't going to be the best combination possible...

Now seriously, is he putting you down like this on a regular basis? is he devaluating your input to the family like this constantly?
Has he ever done any of the HW, looking after his ds, taken some time off because he was ill?
has he ever put your job/occupation at the same level of importance, ie looking at it as if as important as his or he is always the important one and everyone has to get organised around him?

Say you do get the job, I hope your DH will sort out wrap around care. You will need child care for inset days also before and after school.

you mean you want to stay in a relationship with someone that doesn't value you at all?

"But because my body is useless I can't and because I'm not working I'm basically just a drain to my family."

Of course you are not.

Who sorts out the house? Who looks after DS after school and weekends?

You do.

I would go to these interviews and put the donor trip on hold for a year regardless. It will be good to have some interim work experience and once you've been there a while, you can see how it might be to take time off for medical reasons - not all bosses are like your last one! But in the meantime, tell yourself you are not trying for a year and will review then.

I think working would help reduce the tie between what your H thinks of you and you think of yourself, and that this would help you.

I think he's being thoroughly horrible, BTW, but I want to focus on you.

Your DH sounds like he is being total arse to you.

Agree with everything everyone else has written (and that is bizarre for mumsnet).

Going back to work won't do you any favours if you both want to continue IVF. I know lots of people work and do IVF, myself included, but I do feel it's a lot easier for everyone concerned if you don't have the added pressure. Also, you have your existing son to take care of too.

I think you need to talk about what is most important to you both and come to a sensible agreement. He can't expect you to do it all.

My ivf is complicated by an existing health condition (the condition doesn't affect my ability to conceive but can be aggrevated by the hormones you have to take) and I have been unwell during the cycles I've had.
The donor embryo cycle is easier in that way because I will only take progesterone and rely on my natural cycle. But it's also less predictable because of that, I won't know exactly when I will need to be in Spain until the cycle we are going and even then it could vary by 2 or 3 days. So I feel saying to a new employer 'I might have to go then or it might be then' isn't on, especially in teaching where cover arrangements need to be made and are costly.

You know, say by some really good luck, you manage to get a job and have another child, he will still find other things to make you feel bad.

He'll belittle your housekeeping skills, or question your competence as a mother. He'll grind you down until you have no self-esteem left. Do you really want to stay with a man who does that because he can't possibly love you like you love him if he treats you like that?

Do you want that as an example of a relationship for your children?

Why does having the same father matter so much?

Yes, your ds loves his little family but will he love that same family when he is older and sees his mother being mentally abused?

You said you need a job that doesn't eat into evenings or weekends. Are the teaching jobs you're going for part-time?

I remember your previous threads. Your DH is still a twat. In fact he sounds worse - you have to get a job, but you have to risk losing that job to fit in with what he wants. You have to keep going with fertility treatment, but he won't support you emotionally. If you get a job and can't carry on with the treatment, then why would you stay with him?

He sounds really cruel and unpleasant.

Think about what you want to do and follow that path OP. Don't take time off sick from a new job. You clearly don't want to and I think it's important you preserve your self esteem. He's clearly not going to help you with that.

Your husband is emotionally abusive to you and does very little as a father. Why do you want to extend your family with this horrible man?

You are only 32, I suggest you put your baby plans on hold, you've got plenty of time for that, and focus on getting a job to boost your self esteem and self worth. Once you've got yourself a bit of independence from his shadow you can properly re-assess what you want to do with your future.

For my ds's sake.

No the jobs are full time. I'd have to do my planning etc when ds was in bed. I'm well aware it's more than a 9-5 job.

You have one life.

And this is who you choose to spend it with.

And this is how your DC will learn is who women should eb treated.

And this is how you think you deserve to eb treated.

It is very depressing reading.

No need to LTB, but for heaven's sake start respecting yourself and demand a bit of respect for him, kick up a fuss, tell him what a dick he is, expect him to apologise.

Your son hardly sees him anyway! As long as his dad provides financially and has access, I doubt your DS would notice much difference.

At the moment, the whole burden of making this 'lovely' family is falling on you- you do all housework, household tasks, am ill because of IVF, have to work as he says you do now- and what is he contributing? Not time? Not love? Not emotional support? No- money and that's pretty much it.

A toddler won't see what's going on or ask why is daddy never there on weekends, or start to treat you like his daddy does and never help around the house, or devalue your role. But an older child will.

You sound resigned to your fate, doing all the work to keep this perfect family, but your husband is a real piece of work and however hard you try, I think it is very unlikely you will paper over the cracks, another baby or not.

You believe you're worthless, don't you? Do you think counselling for you alone might help?

For your DS sake?

No. It is not in DS best interest to be raised by a DM who is emotionally abused by his DF. It is not in his best interest to be part of a trophy case of acquisitions of a DF who doesn't take part in DS care because he is too busy with his own interests.

your DH has already demonstrated inability to be there during the treatments that gave you DS, and that everything except your his job and hobby is your responsibility, and now you want to repeat all of that and add a job to it yourself?

No more IVF. Get a job, get your head straight. See if your DH is actually capable of being a Dear Husband, truly consider if what you currently have can actually end with the 3 (or 4) of you being a cosy happy family. You currently aren't.

Oh gosh, OP. I'm usually the first to say that it isn't fair to expect one partner to shoulder all financial responsibility, but your DH sounds like a complete arse! And abusive. :(

You are not useless and you are contributing to your family. How dare your DH expect you to return to work and put your body through the stress of further fertility treatment?! And how dare he expect you to contribute to the household financially if he is not equally willing to share the household chores and childcare. It sounds like he has very little respect for you, OP. Is that really the example you want your son to see as he grows up?

I think you need to have a serious talk to make him understand how unpleasant he is being. If he doesn't want to know, then perhaps you need to consider whether there is anything in this relationship that is worth staying for?

YANBU.

I found IVF terrible. I stopped after one round. I couldn't face another. Stopped. Moved on.

Some people can take it all in their stride, and some people can't. I would never put myself through that again.

My own personal opinion is that if you start a new job, especially teaching, then you need to commit fully to it. I have been a teacher and cannot imagine the stress of going through the IVF process and teaching at the same time.

YANBU

You don't bring any worth into the house by being a SAHM? Okay then, stop doing all you do for him and let him pay someone to do it since money is what he values.

I am sorry your IVF hasn't given you the baby you want so far and I am even sorrier you find yourself married to a twat.

I would never put myself through that again

Meant to add, and that's with a supportive, nice husband :(

Loved

Then you would effectively be a single parent.