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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell dh that if by some remote chance I get a job that's it?

117 replies

Lovedmywildway · 19/10/2014 14:15

I've been a sahm since ds was born five years ago. When he started reception last year I didn't go back to work and instead we had three rounds of failed Ivf. I volunteered four days a week instead so that I was doing something and so that I could take time at short notice to attend appointments, have egg collection, recover from yet another failed cycle etc.

Dh wants to keep trying, we are now chasing this pipe dream by planning on going to Spain for donor embryo treatment, we can afford another three cycles.
However he is also putting a lot of pressure on me to go back to work. He doesn't see why he should carry all the financial responsibility which is fair enough. He earns approx £90k so we can afford for me to stay at home, it's more he thinks it's unfair that I'm at home. Well volunteering but not bringing any worth to the house.
I've applied for jobs and miracously have two interviews next week. We were planning to go to Spain in January but I've tried to explain that if I get one of these jobs it won't be possible. They are teaching jobs. I cannot start a new job and then ask for days off to go to Spain, particularly a teaching job. His blasé repsonse was "you'll just have to phone in sick" which I'm not doing, I can't cope with the stress of Ivf treatment abroad, ds and trying to organise a full time teaching job around it. I just can't. If I wasnt a teacher it wouldn't be so bad but I feel even if I get a job doing something else asking for time off at short notice is going to be hard when I've just started.

I've said we will have to wait for next summer and hope that my cycle fits in with the holidays, which it might but then it might not.

I'll probably be told I'm a lazy wimp, im sure most people could cope with the stress but I honestly feel for me it's one or the other. I can go back to teaching or I can pursue this fertility treatment further. I cannot do both. I genuinely think if I do I will have some sort of breakdown. Individually they are stressful, doing both together I just don't think I will cope.

So Wibu to say to dh if I find a job then that's it? No more?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovedmywildway · 19/10/2014 14:56

I'm just turned 32.

OP posts:
OutragedFromLeeds · 19/10/2014 14:59

Is he running the house and looking after DS as well then? Or do you that?

Original poster
Lovedmywildway · 19/10/2014 15:02

I do that.
He has his hobby which takes up much of the weekend anyway.

But now ds is at school I do have 30 hours where I'm doing nothing. Well not nothing because I'm still volunteering and doing the house but nothing of any importance, not a proper job.

OP posts:
Yarp · 19/10/2014 15:03

I think, with his attitude towards you, you have more of a crossroads than that. Are you a partnership or not?

MexicanSpringtime · 19/10/2014 15:06

I honestly don't understand why your husband wants more children if he is away doing his hobby most of the weekend, unless he take ds with him.

OutragedFromLeeds · 19/10/2014 15:07

Well that's your contribution to the family.

I don't understand why he's so keen for you to go back to work now. It's been five years, why can't he wait until after the Spain trip to talk about you going back to work? It's only another few months.

On a separate issue, if I were you I would look for paid employment because it will make leaving him much easier if you're financially independent. That's what I'd be thinking about if I were you.

waithorse · 19/10/2014 15:09

I wouldn't be having a baby or anything else with a man who called me a lazy wimp. He sounds a nasty bully to be honest.

RobinEllacott · 19/10/2014 15:09

Sorry, I cross-posted with your last post. WTF? If he thinks you have no value (other than whatever you contribute financially) why on earth are you even considering another child with him?

YouTheCat · 19/10/2014 15:09

Why do you want another child with this arse? You contribute more to the family than him. Money isn't everything.

Take a teaching job. And then ltb.

Yarp · 19/10/2014 15:10

Yes, Outraged. i agree

if you have another baby without working, then you are tied to the home with no support from him, feeling lesser because of it.

Or if you work, and manage to conceive, you slave your arse off with no help from him.

i might be worng about this, but what do you think?

Triooooooooooo · 19/10/2014 15:11

You aren't some fucking brood mare that can be ordered to breed on order.

You need to build a little something for you and focus on your career before even considering a second child with this manchild.

Original poster
Lovedmywildway · 19/10/2014 15:12

I suppose he thinks if it doesn't work and then we try again it might be longer than a few months.

Part of me wants to draw a line under it and part of me never wants to give up. I don't think it'll ever happen matter how many goes we have and yet that annoying little spark of hope keeps rearing its head.
I was meant to be having a laparoscopy end of November just to see if there was any endometriosis but if I get a job I will cancel it.
I probably won't get either job anyway so am crossing the bridges too early.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovedmywildway · 19/10/2014 15:15

He doesn't out and out call me lazy or useless or anything.
He just infers it.

For example he wanted me to take him somewhere last week as he hasn't got his car and I said I'd just have to rearrange some things (one of my volunteering days) and he openly sneered and said 'yes because you've got such an important busy schedule.' It makes me feel like shit.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 19/10/2014 15:15

I just feel useless at the moment, can't get pregnant and not adding anything to my family

Good grief. Us childless women might as well throw ourselves under a train with that sort of thinking.

To be honest, why are you even considering having another child with a man that thinks so little of you and your role in the family?

Original poster
Lovedmywildway · 19/10/2014 15:17

No no I meant that if I was pregnant or had a young baby there'd be a reason for me to not be working.
But because my body is useless I can't and because I'm not working I'm basically just a drain to my family.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 19/10/2014 15:18

Stop any treatment and FFS get yourself some assertiveness training instead. This is no way to exist.

dreamingbohemian · 19/10/2014 15:19

HE makes you feel like shit.

Do you think you deserve to be treated like that? He sounds horribly cruel.

Chandon · 19/10/2014 15:20

poor you.

What stands out from your post is that it is all about what your DH wants.

Not about what you want.

Somehow HE gets to decide whether you work or not, clearly he does not value your efforts as a mum/SAHM/any housework you do, as to him this counts for nothing, unless you earn?

Does he help out a lot in the house?

If you worked, would he do half the cooking, take days off work if one of the DC is sick (or would that be your responsibility as the lower earner).

What do you want?

Are you sure you want another baby with someone who values you so little?

You seem lost in your DH's desires and wishes, and a bit lost yourself.

OraProNobis · 19/10/2014 15:21

What strikes me, OP, is that for all that others have said about their snapshot opinion of your DH you haven't once addressed that? To me - and sorry, I don't mean to upset you, he sounds like a completely insensitive unfeeling misogynistic asshat. You sound lovely - but it's obvious just in your few short posts that he's got you believing otherwise. What do YOU get out of this marriage?

Shelby2010 · 19/10/2014 15:21

The good thing about using donor embryos is that your chances of success aren't likely to alter by you taking some time out - especially at your age. So if you get one of the jobs you can put treatment on hold and then reconcider in a year or so. It sounds like working full time is going to cause some issues in the way your lives are anyway - either DH is going to have to step up or you'll end up knackered & resentful.

The other point is that having donor treatment is, quite frankly, a piece of piss compared to a full IVF cycle. And if you are using either frozen eggs or embryos it will be easy to schedule around holidays.

defineme · 19/10/2014 15:22

Did he actually use the term 'no value'. The comment about Macdonalds too...He is away a lot and chooses to do a hobby that takes up a lot of the weekend when he has a ds? Providing financially is not all there is to a partnership. You have to respect the other person and emotionally support them too. I did have ivf whilst teaching but it was locally and I didn't have other children.I wwouldn't have considered it in a new job.
if you honestly want to stay with your husband and have more kids, what about supply?
Do you feel like he respects you, likes you, thinks of you as an equal partner?

Original poster
Lovedmywildway · 19/10/2014 15:23

I'm having the embryos in a natural cycle though because I can't take estrogen based medication due to high stroke risk.
So my cycles have to fit the holidays. I can't alter them by taking the pill etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovedmywildway · 19/10/2014 15:24

I strongly suspect that dh will not do much in the house even if I am at work full time.
I also strongly suspect that stuff that relates to ds will be my job too.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/10/2014 15:26

When you said in your op "that's it", I thought you meant you would be kicking your H into touch

I think you should do that

Who the fuck does he think he is
?

cailindana · 19/10/2014 15:27

So why have another baby with him?

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