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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to think my sis should wait before dumping her cat?

57 replies

Possiblynot · 19/10/2014 01:04

I need some grounding here, as I am so v mad at my sister, all I am seeing is red mist! Or am I being a complete cow/unreasonable?!

My sis is a single parent to 3 boys, (12,7 and 14 months). She is in rented accom which is too small for all 3. (The youngest is with her 3 nights/wk - don't get me going on that one!) Her cat she has had for about 5 - 7 years I think.

However even though she is not out of contract on her current house, so no risk of being homeless etc, she has seen a bigger one that she loves and has decided she wants it. But the cat can't come.

Now personally, I would wait for a house that accepts one cat, rather than dumping it on already stretched rehoming centers. I have volunteered in one of these centers and it destroys the animals. They come in scared and timid. If they don't adapt, I have seen them stay in the shelter indefinitely. With my sis cats age, I fear she will be in shelter for a long time.

It just feels that because her cat doesn't fit into her plans then she is being treated as collateral damage to be passed on/forgotten. I know its hard and I do sympathise with her situation, but it just feels she is rushing into things a bit.

I would love to give her cat a forever home, but I have 2 myself, and they would never forgive me!

Aibu to expect her to wait until another property comes up? Feel free to slap me if I am!

OP posts:

iggymama · 19/10/2014 01:09

Won't her children be heartbroken to lose their pet?

Is your sister not attached to the cat?

Poor pussy, I hope it finds a loving home.

gentlehoney · 19/10/2014 01:15

It is not reasonable to dump a pet, and I am horrified that your sister can give him up so lightly.
Is your sister well in herself? could it be that she is stressed or depressed? If this is out of character for her I would be very concerned.

ilovesooty · 19/10/2014 01:17

I'd feel exactly as you do.

mollypup · 19/10/2014 01:20

Honestly? What a heartless person your sister is.

I'm sick of this 'throwaway' culture with pets now, they aren't disposable commodities!

Maybe the cat would be better off with somebody else, she clearly doesn't give a shit about the poor thing.

Lweji · 19/10/2014 01:28

I don't know your sister, so I can't comment on her motivations, and you may well be right to be angry, but I'd think she needs to think first of her children and their welfare.
How easy is it to find a place?

MyBaby1day · 19/10/2014 02:12

YADNBU, poor little cat yes, you're right. How selfish of her, when she took this animal on she took it on for life. Could you definately not take him?

AcrossthePond55 · 19/10/2014 03:12

I agree with Lweji. I love animals and would hate for her to have to give up her cat, but if she is living in a place that really is too small for her family, then her children must come first. Perhaps she also believes that with a bigger place she will be able to have her youngest full time, or at least more than she does now.

If her cat is an older cat, are there any services nearby that match older animals with pensioners? My Mum got her cat through one. That way she didn't have to deal with the 'kitten stage', just a nice older settled cat already box-trained and lap-happy.

MexicanSpringtime · 19/10/2014 03:21

I do think the children have to come first, but personally I would have a cat put down rather than risk it living the remainder of its life in a cage. and never get another one

DogCalledRudis · 19/10/2014 07:45

How horrible. And what a terrible example to children.
Maybe she should try putting an ad in a local newspaper and try to find a home this way.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 19/10/2014 07:46

Perhaps she could try rehoming it first? I would never want to rehome an animal but your sister is going through a pretty shit time and her children must come first. Maybe instead of judging and being mad at her you could try looking for a nice new home for the cat. And honestly if you were really that bothered you would take that cat.

CatKisser · 19/10/2014 07:51

I'm in two minds about this one. On the surface it's horrible and heartless with no regard to the poor cat.

However, I acquired my cat JonSnow in a situation like this. Woman offering him on Gumtree, free. I went to see him feeling full of righteous indignation, but the woman was an utter hero. She was fleeing a physically violent partner and moving into emergency accommodation so couldn't take him. She had turned down all kind of nutters who saw the word "free" and wanted him.

You know your sister's situation better than us. But I do agree people are far too quick to rehome pets these days.

NoSquirrels · 19/10/2014 08:01

Difficult. And the new place absolutely won't take one house-trained cat? Most landlords ime are OK with cats, but dogs are a different matter. It does depend often on whether the place is furnished (more likely to be a no) or unfurnished. Has she actually asked? Usually it just takes an extra clause in the contract about being liable to put good all damage to fixtures and fittings. This is the arrangement I have had in 3 rental places.

Having said that, without knowing your sister and her specific situation, or the general rental availability in her area, and schools etc., I'd hesitate to say she was wrong to prioritise her kids over her cat. There are so many things to consider when kids are in school when you think about moving house.

We've had our cat for over 12 years. We've moved a lot in that time. He came to us because someone who had rescued him from a shelter as a kitten was returning him as a young cat, and we couldn't bear him to go back to a shelter. I didn't want him to start with (responsibility for such a long time, living in rented etc.) and we have had quite a few housing-related debates over the cat, but I couldn't ever have given him up. He has been a wonderful part of our family.

Eva50 · 19/10/2014 08:16

I think your sister sounds as if she is in a really difficult place at the moment. I would hate to have to rehome any of my animals but I would do it if it would vastly improve life for my children. Only having her baby with her for less than half the week and staying in too small accommodation sounds horrendous. I took my three boys (two with special needs) to a lovely two bedroom caravan for a Holliday and being in such a small space for 1 week, nearly finished me off. Some people have to live like that all the time. I don't know how they manage. Can't you help to make her life easier, take the cat and tell your two to get over it.

Original poster

Possiblynot · 19/10/2014 08:25

Thank you all for the replys :). Nothing like mn to ground you again! The red mist has faded lol!!

In response to the posts this is not the first time her selfish colours have come through. I won't go into detail, but this is why I am a touch narked.

I would agree she is stressed. She is living in a 3 bed which is an OK size. The problem comes when the youngest stays. I am not sure if he sleeps in her room or shares with his step-bros. She doesn't want him full time (another story). Where she is rentals are happening all the time as at one stage when my marriage broke down, I looked to see if I could move closer to her.

Believe me, if I could take her cat on I would. I have 2 rescues myself, one with psychological issues and another with health issues. To take on another would be unfair to them.

I guess working at the cats protection you become very cynical. Wrong I know as there are very genuine times when a pet has to be rehomed. However she doesn't have to move just yet. The tenancy has another 8 months to run as she has just signed up for a year.

I can see both sides. More now I have calmed down! But personally I would wait. A cat or any animal in my opinion is for life and part of the family.

OP posts:

Charitybelle · 19/10/2014 08:30

Going against the grain here, but YABU. And I say this as a vegetarian, cat owning, paid up animal lover.

If you want to help, you should re home the cat for her. Get yourself on social media, there's bound to be a friend of a friend who would like a cat?
It sounds like your sister has a lot on her plate, she has to put herself and her three kids first. If my sis stayed in a cramped flat/house for the sake of a cat, putting aside the needs and feelings of her children I would think she was nuts! But then if I was that worried about the welfare of the cat, I would take it in myself, even if only temporarily. My cats are very highly strung, they don't even like each other, but they would survive for a few weeks if they had to!

Btw, I don't know where you live but there are lots of animal rescue centres who have a 'no destruction' policy with their animals. A quick search online should help to find one.

QuintessentiallyQS · 19/10/2014 08:35

You seem keen to froth, but not keen enough to actually care about the cat.

It does not sound as if your sisters life is all that great.

OddFodd · 19/10/2014 08:38

TBH someone who doesn't want her own baby full time is unlikely to give much of a stuff about a cat. A 3 bedroom house isn't cramped Charitybelle.

bigbluestars · 19/10/2014 08:41

Sorry but the house comes before the cat. However she does have a responsibility to find a good loving home for the animal.

MidLifeClitoris · 19/10/2014 08:45

I'm horrified she doesn't want her baby full time but not surprised she would chose a more suitable house over her cat.
Children are more important than pets in my world.

Andrewofgg · 19/10/2014 08:52

She should do the best she can to house her children in the best way she can.

If before she moves she can rehouse the cat, well and good, but if not it must be PTS. It's a pet, people, it's not a child, it's not part of the family. Barring tragedy she and the children will outlive it by many decades.

It's like not taking a job because of the need to provide pet-care - just plain irresponsible and wrong. The children come first. They may be upset too - although the more upset their mother acts the more they will pick it up, so she should play it down - but they will get over it.

ShadowStar · 19/10/2014 08:54

I would put my children's needs over that of the cat tbh.

She may not "need" to move for 8 months, but if she waited until the end of the tenancy, how likely is it that she'd be able to get a house like the one she's talking about now? I obviously know nothing about the housing market where she lives, but if it's a good sized house at a reasonable rent and near to her kids schools etc, is it possible that it's an opportunity that won't come around very often? If something like that's the case, she may feel that she can't afford to lose the chance to move now, despite the cat.

inadarkplace · 19/10/2014 08:55

find a home for the cat yourself you would be surprised at people's generosity to be honest i had to rehome a cat worst thing i ever did but she went to a friends house and is happy

foslady · 19/10/2014 09:49

Try the flip side of this post

My sister has had 8 months to find a more suitable home for her and her 3 children. I don't know what's happened with the relationship with the baby but she says she doesn't want to be a full time mum with him - I worry about her stress levels/ if there's any PND but all this is another story - anyway back to my post. In that 8 months she found a great house, big enough for them all, could make a fresh start and hopefully bring down stress levels (and maybe help with youngest child situation?), but did she take it? No - because she put the cat before her health and her 3 children. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE cats, but surely she could look to rehome the animal if her life could improve do much?

(Ps - I have my own cat that I love to bits, but sometimes you have to look at things from another angle, sorry OP. I think your sister is probably going through the mill right now, cut her dome slack )

Mascaramascara1 · 19/10/2014 09:52

How selfish of her, when she took this animal on she took it on for life

I hate the black-and-white school of thought that you must hang onto a pet forever, come hell or highwater, and that anyone who rehomes is an irresponsible, selfish, awful person.

There are many, many 'legitimate' reasons for rehoming a pet - reasons that make it the best thing for both the pet and the owners involved. Unforseeable events that you could not have predicted when you got the pet, and where re-homing is the most responsible option to take.

We rehomed our cat a few years ago, as it was the best thing for her. A recent development had seen the traffic on our street pretty much double. We'd had two cats (mum and daughter) and the mum was run over and died. So we rehomed the daughter because we didn't want to risk the same happening.

A friend of my sisters rehomed her dog a few months ago because she could no longer cope with giving it the care it needed. She is very responsible, a nice person, had had the dog about 3 years. Then she tried for a baby, which she was confident was manageable with the dog...and she had triplets. Her and her dh struggled on for about 12 months but it was just too much, the dog wasn't being walked, she was exhausted and constantly on edge with watching the whereabouts of the dog with three mobile babies.

My sister (a very opinionated animal lover) gave both of us, at the relevant times, an ear full of shit for being such awful people. I should have made the cat an indoor cat and kept her. I should have moved to a cat-friendly area, uprooting my whole family so as to hang onto her. Her friend should have employed a regular dog-walker, an expense that would have put a huge financial burden on the family. She should have contained the babies to one room, to make it easier to keep the dog separate. Her dh could have cut his working hours to take care of the dog.

Sometimes it's just not feasible to keep a pet.

greenfolder · 19/10/2014 10:29

may well be going against the grain here, but it makes sense to me to put her kids before an animal. if she waited until she could find a house that will take the cat, she would be waiting a heck of a long time indeed. and she would be compromising potentially location, schools, kids friends etc.

your sister may well be selfish, manipulating and self centred. However, in this she is not unreasonable.

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