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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request the tv in my own house and not expect WW3?

66 replies

HrochBear · 18/10/2014 09:16

So last night DP had his kids over for the night as he does every weekend. They are 17 and 19 year old boys. They got here at 5pm and eldest immediately drags guitar and amplifier into the living room and starts thrashing away on that. I didn't say anything, just that I'd be wanting to watch tv a bit later on. I thought I'll leave them to it and go on the pc for an hour. At 7pm I say to DP (who was in there with him) "are we going to put tv on soon?" He replies "yeah but not yet" Hmm

7.30 I get fed up, I'd been at work all week and just wanted to relax on s Friday night with a glass of wine and my sofa. I go back into the living room and dp is now thrashing away on guitar, dss is on the playstation and dss2 is sat waiting to use the pc so I go in and say "can we put a bit of tv on now then?"

Well you would have thought I'd said "can anyone not directly related to me fuck off and never come back?"

Dp went mad, saying I was selfish, disrespectful, hated his kids, hated him and that if I'm so unhappy having his kids here we should just split up! Shock dss1 was actually ok with it and just got on with it but dp dragged it out all night, wouldn't talk to me and basically made out as though he'd just caught me in bed with another bloke. Really horrible he was. He then made up that I'd told his kids to get out the room (untrue, I was actually hoping we could all watch tv together) and that I'm becoming less and less tolerant of the situation as time goes on. He then started slagging off my kids, listing all the stuff he has to "put up with" and going in about how he can't believe how selfish and out of order I am.

Just can't believe the over reaction to what was essentially a woman wanting to relax in her own living room. As soon as I came off the pc his youngest went on it anyway!

I honestly don't think I was BU to ask a 19 year old to turn off the play station and allow me to use the tv at getting on for 8pm on a Friday night. So I suppose I'm asking if DP was being unreasonable to over react in such a way that it's more or less ruined the entire weekend as we're not talking now :-( and after a hard stressful week at work I was really looking forward to this weekend.

I can't see why even if he did disagree with me, why couldn't we just talk about it and set some ground rules for main tv like a couple of adults?

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 18/10/2014 09:18

Are you serious? Your DP behaved like an arse.

msrisotto · 18/10/2014 09:19

Erm wow, he overreacted. Is he often such a knob?

FunkyBoldRibena · 18/10/2014 09:21

Do you not live there too? Can the guitar etc be played elsewhere?

KatieKaye · 18/10/2014 09:22

Of course he's unreasonable.
totally.
And inconsiderate, rude, argumentative etc. He also sounds very immature and controlling.
I wouldn't be wanting to talk about why you should be allowed to have some say about what goes on in the house, but about why he's so unpleasant and what he can do to change his behaviour if your relationship is to have any chance of surviving.

PurpleWithRed · 18/10/2014 09:25
  1. YANBU - but I remember this phase with my kids as well, it's their weekend too and it's hard to share all the space and decibels out so everyone gets a turn at doing what they want
  2. He is being a complete knob, and the whole situation could be resolved if you chucked him out. Although I assume this was an out-of-character one off.
DoughnutSelfie · 18/10/2014 09:25

Ugh yes he was awfully rude and overreacted wildly

Does he often turn on you like that?

Original poster
HrochBear · 18/10/2014 09:29

Thanks guys. He was a complete bastard to me earlier in the week, going behind my back on something and lying to my face and even in that situation i offered more understanding and reason than he did last night.

The lads share a bedroom and youngest was using it initially which is why, although I wasn't happy with guitars etc in the living room I left it and gave him a couple of hours but when I noticed dss2 was out of there I felt it was not unreasonable to ask for the living room back. It was actually dp that took their tv to put in his 'man cave ' outside. I even suggested giving them it back and giving them the play station for their room ... That's how much of a bitch I am :-(

OP posts:
HandMini · 18/10/2014 09:30

YANBU. He reacted very unpleasantly. Anything else going on there, or is this incident a one off?

Ground rules is the way forward - you clearly look forward to a wine/tv session on a Fri eve - make it clear - all play station and guitar packed up and sofa clear by 7.55pm on the dot. Anyone who wants to join you is welcome. Do you watch the same TV programmes at all?

OwlWearingSunglasses · 18/10/2014 09:32

Actually 17 and 19 year olds are men. Not boys. Your DP was out of order talking to you like that.

It won't continue as sooner or later these men will be out on a Friday night and not home with their dad!

Did you post about something similar a few weeks ago?

Original poster
HrochBear · 18/10/2014 09:33

Unfortunately it's not out of character. When we was on holiday I happened to show my disappointment in a disgusting hotel we turned up at (think thai shanty and you'll get a rough image). He went mental then too, stormed off, refused to talk to me, said we should split up and that I was selfish and out of order. He had me crying in the middle of a dodgy Thai street, he punished me all night for it when all I'd done is walked in and said "oh my god we can't stay here, let's see if we can find somewhere else". That was all it took for him to explode and ruin the entire night just to get his point across that I'm not allowed to voice my disappointment or feelings if he's not in the mood to hear it.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 18/10/2014 09:33

I can't believe he said all that stuff to you in front of his dcs.

Hassled · 18/10/2014 09:34

It's seems like he's deliberately picking fights - creating reasons for arguments to happen. Are you generally happy together?

PatriciaHolm · 18/10/2014 09:36

You have much bigger issues than the TV, you realise that don't you?

How long have you been together? Does he actually have any good points?

LadyLuck10 · 18/10/2014 09:43

Yanbu, why do you accept this kind of behaviour?
If I had to work all week just come home and put up with drums I would rather be alone than put up with that.
You have much bigger issues, which would be solved if you left this horrible man.

Floundering · 18/10/2014 09:48

He thinks you should split up but he is doing the classic man thing of not wanting to be the bad guy so he s pushing you to walk out so he can be the good guy to his kids & the ex/family.

You do not have to put up with his shitty behaviour, you are worth more than that and deserve better as do your kids.

Time to think where your future lies.

CrackerWoman · 18/10/2014 09:50

Classic controlling behaviour. Makes it too difficult to have an opinion on anything so in the end you just don't bother and put up with anything.

GilesGirl · 18/10/2014 09:52

He wants to split up. Give him what he wants.

bananaleaf · 18/10/2014 09:58

Wow. Made me feel angry just reading that. Especially the Thailand thing actually. So awful getting treated like that let alone in foreign country.

If they stay every weekend why has it just now become an issue? Have they not always played guitar? Do you have this argument every weekend?

Part of me thinks it's great they still want to hang out with their dad like that but the way he is treating you is unacceptable. What's this outside mancave? Could you get the tv out of there and take it into your bedroom, or they go out there and play guitar? Or in their bedroom. It's not fair that they take up the room with the tv in it!

Next time he says you should split up I'd be tempted to agree with him.

TwinkleDust · 18/10/2014 10:01

Take away his power to jerk you around. Get rid.

MyOneandYoni · 18/10/2014 10:03

Forget about the TV issue. This is the stress of a blended family.

Sorry, but you have to embrace the awfulness of it all. Thrash guitars - that sounds great, darling, have you got a gig coming up we can go and see...

Playstation - this looks fun, can I try and do a level?

PC being used - that looks interesting - let me know if my inbox pings.

Being a step parent is bloody awful - either embrace it with a good grace or get over it.

Nanny0gg · 18/10/2014 10:07

Being a step parent is bloody awful - either embrace it with a good grace or get over it.

It's nothing to do with being a step-parent. Did you read the OP's posts?

It's to do with living with a nasty piece of work. And to be honest, I'm not sure why she is.

Whose house is it HrochBear? How old are your DCs? Do you want to leave?

phantomnamechanger · 18/10/2014 10:10

If he has always been like this, then he is a controlling bully and you would be better off single.

If this is a new thing, then why, what's changed? Is he stressed or under a lot of pressure at work or do you have money worries (not that it's any excuse for his behaviour)? Whatever the reasons, I get the feeling you guys just don't talk enough.

If he won't talk/listen, and respond to your concerns like a rational reasonable human being, then get rid.

Does he ever apologise for the way he treats/speaks to you? Everyone loses their temper or reacts badly to a loved one now and then, but a decent adult knows when they are in the wrong and have hurt someone they love.

Aherdofmims · 18/10/2014 10:11

Myone- but did you read what the dp said to her and how he has behaved many times?

He is the problem here not guitars or blended families.

phantomnamechanger · 18/10/2014 10:11

Yoni, this is NOT about OPs step parenting. It's about the selfish immature bulllying dickhead she lives with.

AgentProvocateur · 18/10/2014 10:15

I think the way your parter reacted was out of order, but I also think you were unreasonable too. The room was in use, with the rest of the family. Why does your need to watch TV trump theirs?

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