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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... To not announce the birth of my baby to her father?

57 replies

Ihatechoosingausername · 18/10/2014 01:08

I'm going to be giving birth in a couple of weeks.

I am split up from the father and I have tried throughout the pregnancy to keep up an amiable relationship with him.

Now, however, I am at the end of my tether.

I am sick of how disrespectful he is towards me when we speak and no longer wish to have any contact with him.

Do I have to tell him when his daughter is born? Should I put him on the birth certificate? Do I have to continue speaking to him to arrange visits?

What is the 'right' thing to do?

He will never change his attitude towards me.

OP posts:
HansieLove · 18/10/2014 01:17

From what I have learned on MN, do not put him on the birth certificate. He can only get on it if he accompanies you. If he is on it, you need permission from him to do various things with your child. I think traveling out of the country is one.

TheMagicChicken · 18/10/2014 01:19

shoe, boot, other foot - would you want to know?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 18/10/2014 01:21

I think unless he has told you he wants nothing to do with his child, then yes, you should inform him.

What happens from then on is a different kettle of fish, but I do think he should know.

TheMagicChicken · 18/10/2014 01:22

Who should register the birth?

If the mother and father were married at the time of the birth, either can register the birth on their own.

If the mother and father are unmarried, responsibility for registering the birth is the mother’s.

If an unmarried father is not present and does not sign the register, his details will not be included on the birth certificate and he will not gain Parental Responsibility for his child, unless:

He makes a statutory declaration acknowledging that he is the father, which the mother must give to the registrar
, or
A parental responsibility agreement or court order has been made and this document is presented at the register office.

An unmarried father may register the birth of his child without the mother if:

She makes a statutory declaration acknowledging him as the father of the child, or
He brings along a parental responsibility agreement or a court order.

An unmarried father may have his details included at a later date by re-registering the birth.

gointothewoods · 18/10/2014 01:22

Don't put his name on the cert. Don't contact him.
If he wants to be involved or on the birth cert then it's up to him to arrange it.
In my opinion.

CuttedUpPear · 18/10/2014 01:30

No, you don't have to tell him.
You don't have to put him on the birth certificate.
You don't have to give your baby his surname.

In fact you can give your baby whatever surname you like, in the whole world.
Not a lot of people know that, it would seem.

Original poster
Ihatechoosingausername · 18/10/2014 01:40

It's not as if he won't find out that she has been born (we have many mutual friends including his sister) and we weren't together when I found out I was pregnant (I tried to make a relationship work having also thought that was the 'right' thing to do).

He is just so rude to me again, and again, and again. I feel I'm being taken for a fool.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 18/10/2014 01:43

Don't put him on the certificate, that's giving him a measure of control which you don't need to do.

But tell him. He will get to know eventually, there must be somebody that you both know, so he will find out - hell, he obviously knows when you are due. So get somebody to tell him. By letter or text if neither you nor anybody else wants to speak to him.

He ought to know when he becomes a father. Just register the birth first!

Andrewofgg · 18/10/2014 01:45

And in any case all the best to you and the baby, sorry you are having this hassle which you could do without.

MultipleMama · 18/10/2014 01:46

This is about your baby, not you.

If he wants to be involved, then let him know and also put his name on the birth certifcate but if he doesn't agree to turn with you then his loss.

If he doesn't want to be involved, then he should still be told so it can't bite you in the aas later when starts saying "put she never told me blah blah blah" but he should no way in hell be on the birth certificate!

Like person above said; shoe, boot, other foot.

Just my 2 cents.

Original poster
Ihatechoosingausername · 18/10/2014 02:40

I should have mentioned in the original comment that Social Services are already involved with our pregnancy because he has been reported for domestic abuse. I've had to sign an agreement with them to not have any physical contact with him during my pregnancy.

OP posts:
MexicanSpringtime · 18/10/2014 05:25

Oh well all the more reason not to put him on the birth cert.

I didn't ever put my ex on my dd's birth cert and even she is thankful for that. I didn't stop contact between them, particularly because his parents were lovely and very supportive and now, as an adult, she has a good relationship with him. Unfortunately if this man is violent and abusive he's not really someone your child will benefit from having in their life.

Allisgood1 · 18/10/2014 06:58

Does he want to be involved?

Heyho111 · 18/10/2014 08:09

I understand you're fed up to the back teeth about him and can appreciate why you don't want anything to do with him but this isn't about you.
If you don't tell the father about the birth or have him on the birth certificate you are doing it for you. Would you want to know who your father is. Would you want a blank where father is on your birth certificate.
Just think carefully before making the decision.

Titsalinabumsquash · 18/10/2014 08:12

If I were you, I'd tell him (wen if by text!) but I wouldn't put him on the birth cert.
my ex is on my boys birth certificates so now I have to get his permission for quite a few things which he won't often give. Hmm

GoodboyBindleFeatherstone · 18/10/2014 08:18

Don't put him on the birth certificate, but write a heartfelt letter to your child explaining your reasons for your choice and naming the father. Keep it sealed with the birth certificate for your child to read when they are old enough to understand.

bigbluestars · 18/10/2014 08:20

Were you married OP? If not the decision may be out of your hands anyway.

Penfold007 · 18/10/2014 08:22

As social services are aware of your circumstances and you've been told to have no contact the chances are the hospital will inform them that baby has arrived.

I would register the birth one your own and then ring ss and let them inform him. If he wants to go on the birth certificate, pay maintenance etc then he can

Only1scoop · 18/10/2014 08:23

I don't think I'd put him on the birth certificate ....he clearly didn't want a relationship with you or a baby by the sounds of it. And he's violent also....

You can register the birth on your own.

Only1scoop · 18/10/2014 08:24

Agree with previous poster Ss probably do the informing in these situations.

NotYouNaanBread · 18/10/2014 08:51

Do not put him on the birth certificate or give your baby his surname under any circumstances. He is abusive and dangerous, and you shouldn't burden your child with the name of somebody so dangerous that it wasn't safe for you to be in his company while pregnant.

A couple of weeks after the birth (and after the birth has been registered) feel free to send him a text message, but to be honest, I presume he knows that you are pregnant and how far on you are, so his own powers of deduction should tell him that he has a child at some point. It's not like he won't know at all. If he is going to be nasty to you when you make the contact to tell him (as it seems clear that he will), then you will be bringing extra stress and anxiety upon yourself at the point in your life when you are least able for it, I think.

I am concerned that you say you have tried to keep up an "amiable" relationship, but then drop in that social services are sufficiently concerned for your physical safety that they have made you sign something about staying away from him during your pregnancy.

This suggests strongly that you are minimising physical violence towards you. You also say that you are "at the end of your tether" which implies that you have been making a serious effort to stay in contact with him, despite the fact that he is not interested in you, is verbally and physically abusive and you have been asked by social services to protect yourself by staying away.

There is something that has been mentioned on here a lot called the Freedom Programme that is designed to help women in abusive or potentially abusive situations to identify what is going on and avoid falling into the same trap again.

VikingLady · 18/10/2014 08:58

You can't put him on the birth certificate anyway, unless he is physically there with you. From what you say, that won't/can't happen.

Won't SS tell him? And are you going for CSA?

Cabrinha · 18/10/2014 09:08

Way to drip feed Hmm

You are not allowed to have physical contact due to abuse.

Why do you have ANY contact now? If it's initiated by him, tell him to stop then get a harassment order (or whatever it is called - non molestation?) if he persists.

You have mutual friends. When the baby arrives, have one of them text him.

Don't put him on the birth Certificate.

Leave maintenance to the CMS (CSA)

If he requests contact, speak to social services about it.

WooWooOwl · 18/10/2014 10:15

You won't be able to put him on the birth certificate if he doesn't come with you to register the birth, so you really don't need to worry too much about that decision.

Personally, I wouldn't ever prevent my child from having their father named on their birth document, it's something that will have an effect on her/him and therefore really shouldn't be a choice made based on your relationship with him now.

I think the right thing to do would be to let your ex know when you are settled after the birth.

wildernessagogo · 18/10/2014 10:23

He must know when the due date is. Let him contact you... And DON'T put him on the birth certificate.

Good luck - it's hard work alone but far easier than with an additional arsehole in tow!

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