... To not announce the birth of my baby to her father?

[Ihatechoosingausername]

I'm going to be giving birth in a couple of weeks.

I am split up from the father and I have tried throughout the pregnancy to keep up an amiable relationship with him.

Now, however, I am at the end of my tether.

I am sick of how disrespectful he is towards me when we speak and no longer wish to have any contact with him.

Do I have to tell him when his daughter is born? Should I put him on the birth certificate? Do I have to continue speaking to him to arrange visits?

What is the 'right' thing to do?

He will never change his attitude towards me.

I don't see that you could put him on the BC even if you wanted to - you are not allowed physical contact with him and you can't put him on the BC unless you are there together.

Keep working with SS. You deserve better than this.

But do make sure that the information about who her dad is is there for your DD when she grows up, just in case something happens and you're not around to give it to her yourself.

If his attitude is that he wants nothing to do with you or the baby then FFS leave him alone completely. He's a violent arsehole, why would you be 'trying to maintain an amicable relationship'? You are free of him and can make a life for yourself and DD.
If it's him pestering you, go back to SS/WA/the police and get a restraining/non-molestatino order taken out. He has no right to contact with you and, given that his violence and abuse is on record, his contact with the baby when she is born can be very restricted. (hopefully this will make him give up and go away.)

I would speak to SS and get their advice about best way to deal and check if they will or can tell him. That way he can't attempt to throw it back in your face either now or when dd is older.

Do not use his surname for the baby or have his name registered. It causes hassle beyond belief. My friend can't take her son on holiday because her EA ex won't sign a letter of authority to let her take her son abroad. He does it out of spite and seems to get his kicks from it! She can't change sons surname either as he won't allow it so he has different surname from his mother and younger siblings which has caused all sorts of problems in general. He has barely any contact as he can't be arsed but still has a hand in making decisions because he is named and his son shares his surname .

Just to give you a measure of her ex, she wanted to go away with her now husband and children to Spain for a week. She phoned him and asked for a letter of authority to take son out of country (she expected a no and would stay at home again) he said yes if she sleeps with him whenever he says for the next year! Eugh and he had a new family as well. He likes the control and I expect your ex will be the same.

I'm really sorry that you're in such a difficult situation, OP, and agree with a PP that you need to be guided by social services on this because they are already involved and they will only get more involved if you take any action that they deem not to be in the best interests of you and especially your daughter.

He won't be on the birth certificate unless he goes with you to register the birth anyway - you can't put a father's name on unless you are married to him or he is present at the registrar's office. As for telling him or arranging contact, I would be loath to advise you because of the possibility that what I say would contradict what social services would want you to do. You really need to be speaking to them.

I hope all goes well with the birth and that you and your daughter are happy together.

Of course you should tell him when his child is born! You don't have to tell him yourself but a mutual friend could do so. I can't believe people saying, well he knows when you're due so he knows he'll be a Dad at some point. So he knows that he becomes a father at some point over 4 week period, after all it's entirely feasible that the baby could arrive anytime from now until 2 weeks post due date.

You chose to have a child with this man, he at least deserves to know when he actually has become a father.

If he doesn't want contact then don't push him on it; that's his choice and if he chooses not to then it may not be such a bad thing.

You don't need to have contact with him yourself, any communicating could be done via a third party. If social services are already involved then no doubt they will be involved/assist in relation to any contact which i would expect to be at a contact centre initially.

This about the child and I think it's in her best interest not to name him on the birth certificate.

He will use PR as a way to EA you.

Another one saying do not give the baby his name or put him on the birth certificate.

Have to disagree with WooWooOwl though that it will have an effect on him. It may do but I suspect that would be down to how you handle telling your child that. Personally it doesn't (and has never) affected me at all.

Another one disagreeing with WooWooOwl. giving someone you know is abusive decisive power over your and your child's life is much more likely to be harmful to the child than not having that father's name on their birth cert.

He occasionally sends me messages asking how the baby is doing and I respond likewise. I kind of just forget about the fact he was abusive, it's weird now that I think about it. I feel I am obligated to ensure he has a part in my baby's life, mainly because MY dad isn't allowed to see some of his children and I can see how it affects him.

It's just weird. I shouldn't keep in contact with him that fact is clear. My mind plays tricks on me when he messages and everything is just forgotten about.. shudder (I'm going to re-read your comments the next time this happens).

Don't let sentiment or the passage of time cloud your memory of the abuse. The fact that your father isn't allowed to see his children implies that there was abuse going on there as well, and perhaps that has normalised it in your mind. It is worse for children to be abused than for the abuser to be kept away from them, and you have to keep that clearly in mind for your unborn child. You have the power to keep abuse out of his or her life and break a cycle - be strong and use it.

If you have an abusive father an ex partner then it really seems like the Freedom Programme I mentioned above might be a great match for you. Maybe just take a look? Freedom Programme

I usually keep my problems to myself but I can see now that that's not a very good idea. It must be either me or my pregnancy brain but when he asks how she is I think about this idealistic future in which my baby's able to see both her mother and father and that we both get on well as friends. My dad knows a lot of our problems and still speaks sort well of him and that makes me feel I've been overreacting when I get worried. He seems to think we'll be back together in the future which I really don't want but he makes out that these kind of relationships are just 'normal' where I'm from.

Oh my god >.

I'm going to check out the freedom Programme

He sounds an arse but the baby is his whether you like it or not. Let SS have some input. Take it a day at a time. You have 6 weeks to register

'These relationships are normal where I come from'

So sad to hear that Op

And no they are not normal.... not for you or your dc and you obviously believe that and that you and your dc deserve better. Don't let you dad minimise and normalise things....you know your own mind....you are better than that.

Good luck

I think I'll ask Social Services to let him know she's here and have no further contact with him. I just need to, stupidly enough, remember not to have any contact with him, and to just ignore him if and when he does contact. If I hadn't have isolated myself so much this wouldn't be a problem. How does my brain go through such swings and roundabouts as that?

to be honest only you know him and unless there's a really serious reason (relating to the way he might treat your baby not you) then you owe it to your child to make some effort to foster good relations with him and his child. It's decent of you that you are asking this question. I think it shows that you already know that you should only consider your child and not your own feelings about him. I think deep down you know what you should do, Good luck.

I would doubt that ss will disappear once your baby is born, I have just supported (volunteer befriended in sure start type charity) a lovely lady in almost identical circumstances as you with the exception that she had already had one child with an abusive ex. From my experience, they put a huge amount of store in the mother's decision making abilities, and how the bad decisions impact her and her 2children, you are starting down this road from a difficult position as deciding to have a baby with someone who is abusive (or at least- not ensuring that you didn't) will already be a huge warning sign that your judgment is not what it should be.They will want to see that you ALWAYS put baby first and if that means no contact it means no contact. Please listen to them and do exactly as they say , your judgment of what is acceptable behaviour in a relationship is probably impaired by growing up in abusive environment and not having a clue what normal is . It speaks volumes that your dad gets on with the man who has abused you - most dads would have turned him inside out ! but bottom line is do not contact, you know his sister, she can tell him , jump through all ss hoops and show them baby is first , if they think you can't make the right decisions the consequences are dire, my friend just couldn't stop contacting him , was sure he would change and they would all be one happy family, it's not a quick process but two years on she has had the children removed twice temporarily and now it's permanent. very sad but the right call.

OP, I agree that I think the Freedom Programme would be very helpful for you, especially as it sounds as though your own father was abusive. Also that it is much worse for a child to grow up with an abusive parent than without that parent being present. It would be lovely if your child's father was some wonderful parent who would also put her first and have her best interests at heart, but if he isn't then you have to play with the hand you're dealt, not the hand you would like to have. And if ss have said you should have no contact with him, then that is what you have to do, not only for your sake but for the sake of your child - you are responsible for her now, too. Block his number. Don't call him. It isn't 'normal' to be in an abusive relationship, and your father by the sounds of it is not someone who is very well placed to talk about what 'normal' is anyway. Please keep you and your daughter safe.

I don't agree with not putting him on the birth certificate. If you I are certain he is the father, he should be named on it. I speak from experience, my mum didn't put my fathers name on my birth certificate when I was born in the 70's and it's caused me no end of bother when it comes to applying for work, passports, marriage certificates etc. let alone having to explain to people why it is blank!

mamma12 with respect that advice is not very helpful. The OP could lose her baby if she stays in contact with an abusive man having been told not to by ss.

Ignore that, I've just read the drip feed..

OP, it sounds as though it is really hard for you to be objective when people around you are normalising the abuse, you are still allowing your ex to manipulate you and your pregnancy hormones are making you want to believe that a happy family or at least civilised co-parenting is possible. It isn't. This man is abusive and likely to harm you and your baby if you allow him to be involved in your lives. If you pretend that isn't so you risk having your child taken into care to keep her safe.

Take your cue from Social Services, (have you asked your social worker?) but it sounds as though what you need to do to protect yourself and your baby is cut all contact. Don't answer calls or texts, and don't allow him any contact with the baby which isn't court ordered and supervised. That protects you from him and also protects you from any charge of failing to protect your child. Start building yourself a support network outside your family and do sign up for the freedom programme. You need to start seeing clearly. You may also need to move away from people like his sister and mutual friends who will want to see you 'getting on' so that they can maintain their denial of the abuse.
Be strong, if you know that you are not seeing straight and that he can manipulate you then get other people to help you set your boundaries and then stick to them.