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AIBU?

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Original poster

are in-law's asking too much of me?

61 replies

bananasandwiches · 17/10/2014 17:35

Not a great title there but I'm hopeless at 'em..

My bumhole of an ex's wants nothing to do with me (suits me fine), but neither does he want to know his/our 4 yo DD. His parents though do, and are such lovely, kind people. DD and I love them much. They live in the west country and of course they want to see their GD as much a possible. Thing is : they come to London, always at weekends and although they stay around the corner from us in a B&B for 3/4 nights usually, it get's a bit much. Now don't get me wrong it's lovely seeing them DD and I look forward to it, they bring lots of pressies for us etc... But it's getting a bit too often.

DD is a little high maintenance at best, but when they're around it's a nightmare. I like to cook dinner and have them around in the evening. I love seeing them but I do feel a little bit obliged to. They go off doing touristy stuff in the day time. In the eve's though they stay 'till way past DD's and my bedtime. She won't go to bed 'till they leave usually around 11, and she's up at 6am regardless, really bloody moody. One night of that is fine but when they stay for 3/4 nights it's unbearable and DD suffers a bit. I don't get time to clear up the flat properly, she's crying and complaining all the time. After they've gone back home I have to drag her out of bed to get her to nursery co's she's knackered, so I can work, and she doesn't catch up sleep for days. They've been twice since August and they're coming again in Nov. It's only while she's very young like this is a problem. I know it will get better. What should I do? Should I just shut the f*k up, stop complaining and count myself lucky?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 17/10/2014 17:37

Yes. In a nutshell.

Bogeyface · 17/10/2014 17:37

I would tell them the truth, that them staying so late is really affecting her. Perhaps suggest that they come to you earlier say 3pm, have an earlier dinner but then they leave no later than say 8pm? I am sure if they care about her as much as they seem to then they will understand.

ArkhamOffett · 17/10/2014 17:39

Uhmm, in the nicest possible way I do think you should count yourself lucky. They don't visit that often, really, which is probably why they stay for an entire evening when they do visit.
You could explain to them the effect on your DD and pleasantly suggest they come on a weekend (if it has to be 3/4 days then put your foot down about staying late on a Sun/Mon).

backbystealth · 17/10/2014 17:40

Just put her to bed earlier. Make it clear to them and her that she may have a later bedtime of say 9pm when they're around but that's it. It's not rude or unfair. Be firm and they'll all get used to it.i always put my kids to bed on time when very young regardless of the circumstances.

ArabellaTarantella · 17/10/2014 17:40

She won't go to bed until they are gone

She would if she were mine. (Sorry to be so blunt.)

Darkandstormynight · 17/10/2014 17:40

Yes.

Littlef00t · 17/10/2014 17:41

If it's not working, be firm. Tell them what works for you. If they are so lovely they should understand. Their main priority is presumably seeing their gc not tourist attractions.

GayByrne · 17/10/2014 17:42

You're so right, it's just a tiny snapshot in the grand scheme of things but I believe things like this, if left, allow bad feelings to fester.

So how about an email to them? Keep it light and say something along the lines of really great to see you guys, we're so thrilled to have you in our lives and so happy that it's very regular. DD is at a bit of a pain of an age (you may have noticed haha) and I wondered what you'd feel about this plan...set out your plan here for earlier dinners etc...MIL tell me this passes pleeease!!...

Leave it there and see what they say.

Good luck x

Seriouslyffs · 17/10/2014 17:42

They sound lovely- and so do you!
Bogey's suggestion is a good one- that they come and go earlier. Or could they take her out for a morning or afternoon?
Could you go to them occasionally? Enjoy a weekend being fed and a lie in?

2tired2bewitty · 17/10/2014 17:42

Would they like to help with her bedtime routine, give her a bath, read her a story? Then you could get her into bed at a more reasonable time, but they've had some quality time together.

WeirdCatLady · 17/10/2014 17:43

What bogey said

idiuntno57 · 17/10/2014 17:46

could she not miss nursery for a day or two and them have her for a coupld of special days out. They should be knackered by the end of the day and perhaps won't see the need to stay up late with you.

shoofly · 17/10/2014 17:48

I'm astounded at the people who think you should just suck it up! My 8 year old couldn't cope with 11oclock bedtimes for 3or 4 nights in a row! I would tell them that whilst it's lovely for your daughter to see them, she's 4 and needs to have a reasonable bedtime. Could they come earlier, maybe bath her? Or read her a bedtime story, then maybe help you do a quick tidy and clear off to give you a bit of peace. If they haven't spent a lot of time around young children they've probably just forgotten what it's like.

I think I'd be phrasing it all in a stressing the positive kind of way while pointing out how they need to fit into your routine for a while

Georgethesecond · 17/10/2014 17:48

She needs to go to bed at her usual bedtime. I don't get why she doesn't.

shoofly · 17/10/2014 17:50

Lots of cross posts - slow typer

diddl · 17/10/2014 17:50

I'm not sure that they are actually asking too much.

You do seem to be letting them inconvenience you though.

have you actually told them & tried to get them to do stuff in a way that's convenient for you?

so they are seeing you for a long weekend once a month?

if you like to see them, set some ground rules that work for you.

MrsPiggie · 17/10/2014 17:53

3 times in 4 months is not very often at all. You are lucky, your DD gets to know her lovely grandparents who take an interest in her, a lot of children with divorced parents haven't got this luxury. Why not ask the grandmother to read her a story and put her in bed at 8.

PrivateJourney · 17/10/2014 17:53

I think Arabella, though blunt Wink is right. A four yo doesn't get to refuse to go to bed. What's her usual bedtime routine? Tell her in advance that that will be happening as usual and do it. Tell IL's what will be happening too and get them to help - they can do the bath and story.

I'd also suggest that they take DD with them for the touristy things (and you if you want to go) during the day so they get to see her that way and make the most of London's restaurants and theatres in the evenings after she's in bed.

Once every couple of months isn't that much.

MaryWestmacott · 17/10/2014 17:57

I'd have a chat that it sin't really working for your DD to have them over in the evenings when she's tired, could they come over earlier, or can they not take DD out for the day/morning to do touristy things? Get some actual quality time rather than spending time with her when she's past her best.

There are things like the London transport museum that if you buy one ticket it's vaild for a year, so they could take her a couple of times through the year at the cost of only one trip.

Thurlow · 17/10/2014 17:59

They're not particularly expecting too much. It's nice they want to see her, and nice they want to see so much of her. And, really, it's nice that your DD is excited to see them. But people forget what small children are like and while, sure, it's nice if they stay up late sometimes, some kids can be a nightmare with little sleep, and some kids can be a nightmare getting to bed when something exciting is happening.

What strikes me as the problem here is simple lack of communication, both with your DD and with your in-laws.

So either its explained to your DD that she needs to go to sleep as usual, and get the in-laws involved in bath time and bedtime, or its explained to your in-laws that DD gets too excited and they need to leave (even if it's only to walk around the block for half an hour) while she goes to bed.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 17/10/2014 18:05

I would suggest moving their visits to earlier in the day and getting them to leave earlier. Ask them to take her out with them for the afternoon - I am sure they will all love some time to bond, and you can get some cleaning done, or go with them and see the sights.
Have an earlier dinner.
Then ask them to help with bed and bath routine, reading her a bedtime story, tucking her in, kissing her goodnight. My inlaws love doing that with my DC. All to be done at a reasonable hour.
I am sure they will not mind you just moving things to accommodate their granddaughters need for sleep.

Original poster
bananasandwiches · 17/10/2014 18:09

Some great advice. Thank you all. I will email my MIL as suggested. The trouble is DD gets way too excited when they are present. Our place isn't very big and she can hear voices so she gets up no matter what I do.

I give in to DD too easily I know...

OP posts:
ithoughtofitfirst · 17/10/2014 18:09

Yanbu for calling your ex a bumhole. This made me laugh.

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 17/10/2014 18:11

You need to simply say "It's bedtime for DD at 7.30 and because she always fusses, I think it's best if you go just before then..." but let them know that they can have one later evening with her on their first night....then on that night let them know in advance of the next day, what your bedtime plan is....that they GO at 7.30. Explain why.

Original poster
bananasandwiches · 17/10/2014 18:15

It's probably the nicest thing I've called him in over 4 years ithoughtofitfirst.

OP posts:
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