are in-law's asking too much of me?

[bananasandwiches]

Not a great title there but I'm hopeless at 'em..

My bumhole of an ex's wants nothing to do with me (suits me fine), but neither does he want to know his/our 4 yo DD. His parents though do, and are such lovely, kind people. DD and I love them much. They live in the west country and of course they want to see their GD as much a possible. Thing is : they come to London, always at weekends and although they stay around the corner from us in a B&B for 3/4 nights usually, it get's a bit much. Now don't get me wrong it's lovely seeing them DD and I look forward to it, they bring lots of pressies for us etc... But it's getting a bit too often.

DD is a little high maintenance at best, but when they're around it's a nightmare. I like to cook dinner and have them around in the evening. I love seeing them but I do feel a little bit obliged to. They go off doing touristy stuff in the day time. In the eve's though they stay 'till way past DD's and my bedtime. She won't go to bed 'till they leave usually around 11, and she's up at 6am regardless, really bloody moody. One night of that is fine but when they stay for 3/4 nights it's unbearable and DD suffers a bit. I don't get time to clear up the flat properly, she's crying and complaining all the time. After they've gone back home I have to drag her out of bed to get her to nursery co's she's knackered, so I can work, and she doesn't catch up sleep for days. They've been twice since August and they're coming again in Nov. It's only while she's very young like this is a problem. I know it will get better. What should I do? Should I just shut the f*k up, stop complaining and count myself lucky?

They don't come often, only twice since August and they are coming in Nov, I thought they came every weekend. Mabey they can take her out and drop her back. Or meet out for dinner or lunch, so that you can go when your ready. You do not have to cook, I personally would'nt as it obviously sounds too much.

I think it is very difficult to get a four year old to bed when there are exciting visitors, even if they are in the bed, they are unlikely to sleep and you may end up with lots of 'visits' for water, faffing etc. For this reason, I would just be really upfront with them- don't make it a big thing, just say that now she's starting school soon, you do need more of a bed-time routine and she's too excited to sleep when she sees them so could they leave by about 8 so you can get her into bed, or even better, help with bedtime.

I am not quite sure why you haven't just done this- I just announce it's my kids bedtimes when we have guests usually a bit later than usual, and they go up and the guests go. I would personally just tell them next time they come, or on the phone, an email sounds a bit formal unless you normally chat through things that way- or wait til you are arranging the next visit and then slip it in as part of the new arrangement.

It all sounds good though, great they still want her to be in their lives and great you are happy to make that happen (but obviously you probably all need to go to bed earlier, they are probably knackered too!)

Chopin, getting children to know they have to do as they're told over certain things when they're young means there's no need for the bullying behaviour some parents have to resort to as they get older. Proper rules/boundaries at this age create a much more harmonious family life as they get older. And some things yes, a 4yo just has to do "because I said so". That will certainly happen at school. Letting children think they have free choice over all aspects of their life isn't doing them any favours

"They would if they were mine" is how I felt too.

Not because I am a bullying witch but because bedtimes are, and have always been, non negotiable. Even when they were tiny newborns, they had a bedtime and were fed upstairs in a dark bedroom. This was important to me because I wanted them to get used to awake hours and sleep hours, and now bed time is rarely if ever argued about and then only because someone wants to finish what they are playing/reading/watching. I often allow 15 minutes extra here or there because I know when they go up they will go to sleep.

An unexpected but very welcome side effect was that they all slept through from about 6 weeks (except DD3 who refused to read the manual and kept up night wakings for 14 months, her newborn brother slept through before she did!).

Being strict about bed times is not bullying, its sensible. Letters are often sent home from school about the children getting enough sleep, so its obviously a problem for many kids, and they simply cant learn if they are too tired.

they do sound lovely, but i'd have said something after the 1st late night!

call them up and say how happy you are with them coming to see you, how lovely their visits are, however the late nights really do take their toll both on you AND DD. so suggest that they don't lose out by either meeting for tea and doing something special with the evening ending just before she goes to bed, but that if they wanted to do things during the day, take her with them on the touristy things, they are more than welcome.

i'd also ask them if they fancied having her overnight once or twice. but leave it in their court.

remind them how happy you are that you and she has them in your lives and that you'll do everything in your power to make this as sucessful a relationship as possible, as it brings so much value to your lives.

I would tell them you love seeing them but you need thier help in getting DD toi bed much earlier as she gets too exhausted otherwise. Can they leave, go for a coffee/glass of wine at a pub round the corner each night while you put DD to bed. They can then sneak back in but mustnt let DD know

What Arabella said.

You are the parent. Make it clear bedtime is x regardless of who is there.

I have little gd of 4... Love her to bits...her Mom is very clear to us what her bedtime is...l rather that as at least l know lm not annoying her. I go home so little one will settle...read her some books before l go so get her into night time mood. They need to take her out to a park or fun place in the afternoon. Only time we do late is at Christmas.

FWIW I disagree that you can if much about DD being over excited when her GPs are there at bed time. My DPs and ILs always either make sure they're out of the way before bed time, or stay to do bath and story then leave. Obviously if your DD knows she's missing out she'll be difficult to go to bed.

I think it's really reasonable to ask your ILs to come earlier in the day, during DD's natural waking hours.

And at all the judgypants posters with DCs who go to sleep just because they're told to and no doubt stay asleep until 7am. Bully for you.

do much.

Oh FFS. Regular bedtime with side effect of DCs sleeping through. Don't know what I'm doing wrong then, as my two have always had a regular bedtime routine starting at 6:30pm with the aim of being asleep by 7:30. Never helped them to sleep through and impossible to implement with exciting guests on the house.

OP, do not feel inadequate.