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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

are in-law's asking too much of me?

61 replies

bananasandwiches · 17/10/2014 17:35

Not a great title there but I'm hopeless at 'em..

My bumhole of an ex's wants nothing to do with me (suits me fine), but neither does he want to know his/our 4 yo DD. His parents though do, and are such lovely, kind people. DD and I love them much. They live in the west country and of course they want to see their GD as much a possible. Thing is : they come to London, always at weekends and although they stay around the corner from us in a B&B for 3/4 nights usually, it get's a bit much. Now don't get me wrong it's lovely seeing them DD and I look forward to it, they bring lots of pressies for us etc... But it's getting a bit too often.

DD is a little high maintenance at best, but when they're around it's a nightmare. I like to cook dinner and have them around in the evening. I love seeing them but I do feel a little bit obliged to. They go off doing touristy stuff in the day time. In the eve's though they stay 'till way past DD's and my bedtime. She won't go to bed 'till they leave usually around 11, and she's up at 6am regardless, really bloody moody. One night of that is fine but when they stay for 3/4 nights it's unbearable and DD suffers a bit. I don't get time to clear up the flat properly, she's crying and complaining all the time. After they've gone back home I have to drag her out of bed to get her to nursery co's she's knackered, so I can work, and she doesn't catch up sleep for days. They've been twice since August and they're coming again in Nov. It's only while she's very young like this is a problem. I know it will get better. What should I do? Should I just shut the f*k up, stop complaining and count myself lucky?

OP posts:

VanitasVanitatum · 17/10/2014 18:15

Easier said than done to get her in bed but I really would work around this kind of plan rather than reduce their visits. Tell her that they can only come and stay if she goes to bed on time.

Get them to read her story so she doesn't feel like she's missing out so much.

Explain the problem to them and get them involved in the solution.

Kookydooda · 17/10/2014 18:15

It's not their fault she is going to bed late. It's yours! Just tell them and her it's bedtime and follow through with it.

Greengrow · 17/10/2014 18:17

I would give them the daughter for 3 of the 4 nights - she'll have a great time at the B&B and you get 3 nights free - win win win all round. You also get a lie in.

sourdrawers · 17/10/2014 18:21

Wish she'd agree to that!

Original poster

bananasandwiches · 17/10/2014 18:22

I wish!

OP posts:

AnotherStitchInTime · 17/10/2014 18:23

If they are coming to spend time with her it should be done in child friendly hours. Why can't they take her out in London for the day?

Agree it is down to you to enforce bedtime. When my DM visits she helps with bath, story etc... The children get to stay up an extra half an hour or hour (at weekends). My middle one in particular is a bed hop-inner-outer. I return her every time until she gets bored and remove toys if she carries on.

FunkyBoldRibena · 17/10/2014 18:27

I think it is a good idea if you love and trust them for them to have her for 3 nights, then leave before bedtime on the last night.

When I visit the nieces I go just as the baths start happening so that they can settle them down. It's surely common practice to make your excuses and go. Unless I am staying over then I just crack open the wine for SIL.

chopinbabe · 17/10/2014 19:16

What a bullying tone to adopt...'she would if she were mine'.

Children should be encouraged to go to bed not ordered, especially when they are having what sounds like a fairly rare treat. And yes, four year olds should be able to, 'have a say'.

FunkyBoldRibena · 17/10/2014 19:28

Children should be encouraged to go to bed not ordered, especially when they are having what sounds like a fairly rare treat. And yes, four year olds should be able to, 'have a say'.

Lol. Just brilliant.

SaucyMare · 17/10/2014 19:28

I think you need to get stricter with your DD, tell her she needs to go to bed even thought uo have fun visitors.

Your in laws should understand, you could even make it an exciting thing granny and granddad putting her to bed.

What would happen if it was your friends who were visiting, you dont want them to have to leave at her bedtime do you?

Thumbwitch · 17/10/2014 19:32

Maybe, as she gets older, they could take her out with them on their touristy trips, then drop her home for the evening and bugger off again, or stay for dinner and then bugger straight off again.

You need to talk to MIL about the late nights, you really do - just say that your DD desperately needs to be asleep by whatever time it is, and that one late night is all she can cope with, so you'll have to ask them to please leave earlier when they visit. But offering them to take her for the day might sweeten that somewhat - they might be only too happy to leave early afterwards!

longjane · 17/10/2014 19:33

Why can't they baby sit for you ?

azurepapallo · 17/10/2014 19:44

As with longjane I ask them to babysit one evening.

Regarding the other night just tell them that although you live seeing them, now that she's older she really needs to get her night's sleep and would they mind leaving at xxxx pm. As other pp's have said maybe you could agree that they do bath and story and then leave. You'd get 30 mins to have a tidy up then.

They sound lovely but you have to look forward to when she's in school and will need her sleep for her school day. I'm sure they'll understand if you word it nicely.

My in laws are lovely but do need reminding about bed times etc from time to time - I think they've just forgotten what it's like the next day. It'll come to us all no doubt...

confusedandemployed · 17/10/2014 19:45

Sorry another one who thinks you need to be firmer with your DD and who thinks chopinbabe lives in Lalaland. You're the adult - you decide when she goes to bed.

Floralnomad · 17/10/2014 19:49

Why don't they take her out for the day ,you could go to if you wanted then back for tea and bed .

sykadelic · 17/10/2014 20:23

Agree with getting them involved in bedtime routine.

I would e-mail MIL and say she's getting grumpy at bedtimes now and so you've got to make sure she gets to bed by X time but she loves their visit so much she can't sleep while they're there.

I'd also suggest he earlier visit times as PP's suggest. She's old enough (IMO) to go do touristy stuff with them, maybe they'd enjoy that? Nice busy day to wear her out and you'd get stuff done around the house OR you could go with them too, make it a family outing.

wheresthelight · 17/10/2014 21:10

count yourself lucky but if it was me I would also be explaining that whilst you absolutely love seeing them it is causing dd issues with sleep as she won't go to bed til they go and would they mind awfully leaving at a more reasonable hour so that dd is on best form for them the following day.

as long as you are nice about it I can't see why talking to them would cause such an issue

Pico2 · 17/10/2014 21:16

I'd get them to come in school holidays and look after her for the day or take her out. DD is 4 and loves it when her GPs do that (plus it's free childcare).

Original poster

bananasandwiches · 18/10/2014 09:58

Great advice. Thank you all so much.. I'll try a mash-up of several approaches. Going to see the poppies at the Tower today.

OP posts:

CheeseEqualsHappiness · 18/10/2014 09:59

Put your foot down about bedtime and hopefully the whole situation would be less stressful

Phineyj · 18/10/2014 10:57

I suspect your MIL did not work and therefore has no insight into late bedtime=tired DC=awful day at nursery=mucho stress for single working parent? Put your foot down, nicely. It's great that they come but there needs to be negotiation so it works. I have the same with DMIL (also very nice but no insight into working as gave up work 50 years ago).

skylark2 · 18/10/2014 11:25

She's four, not a baby. Put her to bed at a reasonable time - an extra half an hour as a treat because her grandparents are here shouldn't cause too many problems, but if she makes a fuss after it, then it will have to be normal bedtime in the future. Tell her this - and that if she doesn't go to bed, the next night the GPs will not be able to come in the evening at all.

I agree with getting them involved, reading bedtime story and so on.

PunkrockerGirl · 18/10/2014 11:30

Are you for real chopin?

Visitors or not, 4 year olds need to be told when to go to bed.

chopinbabe · 18/10/2014 11:43

I'm not disagreeing with that in so far as children can't sit up all night.

However, the bullying, 'do as I say' tone displayed in a couple of posts doesn't sit easily with me. A resentful child isn't easy to deal with and so I prefer to welcome a child's imput, which doesn't mean that they have the final say.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/10/2014 11:58

They sound lovely, the last thing you want is to upset that relationship, but it does sound a bit too much. Can't they take her out for the day sometimes, and just drop her off afterwards. Or mabey you could meet at the B&B or have lunch out.

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