To wish my DS was less popular?

[Cannotseewood]

Ds1, 9, is very popular...everybody loves him at school, he is invited to all parties including neighbours/clubs and nursery friends so every week end he can pick and choose which party to go too. My mobile keeps buzzing with invites to play dates/ or sleepovers. He really is popular and knows it and I am happy for him but not used to this degree of popularity so not sure where it comes from. Dd1, 10 and half, on the other hand has always struggled all her life through primary... Awkward socially, not many friends and lately not invites at all. Never invited for a sleepover :( .

I am now careful about DS1 invites ( I hide them and I don't pin them on the fridge anymore ) as DD1 gets very upset about it lately.

AIBU to wish there was more balance and a bit of DS popularity was bestowed on DD or should I just accept them and rejoice for what they are?

Feeling crap at the mo as week end looming and DD will be mostly with me while DS has 3 parties to go to.. Will it change?

I think DD doesn't mind generally but has started thinking there is a problem as it's happening more and more.

Accept it. Don't flaunt it in your daughters face, and make sure your son doesn't miss out on anything he wants to be at.

I think it's one of those things if his a really happy outgoing person and she is shy it's going to happen.

Have you thought about inviting girls dd likes over for a sleep over at yours? Kind of get the ball rolling, arrange it for a night Ds will be out.

All you can do is build your daughter's confidence in herself. The friends she has, are they good friends?

I can see why you're a bit but try not to let dd pick up on this, it will reinforce the idea that not being popular is something to be depressed about.
My DH is very outgoing and has always been very popular, large friendship group etc. his older bro is the polar opposite, has maybe two 'proper friends' and anyone else he sees socially is either family or his wife's friends. He is happy as larry and would hate to be constantly going out/seeing people. Just help your dd to be confident in who she is and don't worry she'll be fine.

Thats a hard situation. Poor dd. I think you just need to keep doing what you are. Its not ds' fault and woild be worse if tgey were both struggling.

Have you tried to help dd socially, not judging, both my elder dds have struggled at times esoecially dd2.

YABU to wish he wasn't popular. YANBU to wish your DD didn't struggle socially.

I know what it's like. I have the same thing to some degree.

I'm like charity's bil. I woukd hate yo be out all the time. I have friends who are out every werkend, out during the week. I find that too much for me. I'm happy

Shouldn't you rather wish your daughter was more popular?!

All children have their own strengths. Not every child is popular, but confidence and self esteem can be nurtured in other ways. Great for your son to have social invites, but try to enrich your DDs life in other ways too.

Does she do any extra curricular activities? Dancing? Gymnastics, swimming, karate- anything she may be interested in. Not just to meet others but to nurture a skill to make her feel good about herself.

Indulge your DD in some Mummy/daughter time too. Build a garden, make a bird feeding station in the garden, plan a girlie night in with some face packs, nail polish, DVD, marshmallows and hot chocolate. Let her know you are looking forward to your afternoon out/girlie night in.

Lots of friends are great, but not the only way to being a sucessful human being.

Clubs are the other problem...Whatever DS tries he excels at it... DD struggles with balance and coordination. I think probably this causes the different sense of self confidence. DS is used to hear that he's a natural while dd is always told she needs to try harder which ultimately frustrates her. So we stopped taking them to the same clubs and they do things separately.

DD loves ballet as is the only thing DS didn't want to try ;) but even though she can do it she has never been particularly good at it.

We have lots of one to one time as I am more like her than DS so enjoy doing stuff with her, but I know now it bothers her to see how easy is for some people and so hard for her to take on sports or make friends.

She has a couple of friends but not best friends, we invite them but rarely get invited back.

I don't want DS not to be popular... But very childishly was wishing he had just a tiny bit less of what he has so that dd could have had it.

Ps you will never ever hear me brag about DS with any of the mums or anybody in general as I think it would be not fair for DD, but then DS also deserves my praise.

Feeling like I am wrong on so many level...need to accept things the way they are.

It's hard seeing one of your children sailing naturally through life when the other struggles, even worse if it's her little brother.

Don't forgot to tell your ds well done though as it is important to celebrate his successes too even if they do come easily.

Oh OP that must be hard. I really feel for you, and for your DD.

I have a potentially similar situation with my DC except that it's perhaps a little easier to manage (for the moment) as the age gap is bigger. I have a 10yo who is gorgeous but is awkward socially (he has aspergers) and whilst achieving fine academically and doing ok at the various clubs he attends, he's very like your DD - achieves the basics and does well but has never excelled.

Which is fine, except in contract his 5yo brother is sociable, charmingly confident and just kind of effortlessly gets what his older brother finds challenging. Too early to tell with him on the academic/sporty front, of course, but he's a lot sharper/more switched on than DS1 was at the same age...my hunch is that he will breeze through things that DS1 has to really slog at...which will be hard for us all (assuming my hunch is correct) in the fullness of time

I wish I had some advice. But I don't think you are 'wrong on so many levels'. You see one of your children having so much and the other one struggling. It is a very human and compassionate reaction, as a mother, to wish that things were perhaps a little more equal between your DC.

and to you and DD (and for you)

Dietcokeandwine you hit the nail on the head :(
Thank you to all of you who have offered kind words and advise... I have a constant voice in my head thinking: they are very different but I love them the same...why can't other kids do the same?

But then think that my problem is nothing compared to those who face much more upveal so I feel guilty about having this type of rant.

Guess I have got it out now and feel better just knowing that there others out there feeling the same in similar situation

I understand where you're coming from too, I don't think it's that uncommon.

DS1 struggles socially, is somewhat awkward with coordination and balance so running / kicking a ball / catching etc always tricky for him. Has maybe 2-3 friends that he gets invitations from occasionally. Is very bright so no trouble academically but tends to hide in books.

DS2, 18 months younger - sporty, bright, cruises through life with a sunny smile on his face, lots of party invitations, lots of friends asking to come over and play - it's hard not to be sad for DS1 when yet another invitation comes home from school for DS2 and his face falls a bit.

How we manage it - the few boys DS1 is friendly with I invite to ours regularly. I make sure there's something fun organised for him if DS2 is at a party so he doesn't feel so left out. Although recently he said he'd rather just stay in with the dogs and a hot chocolate and a book!

I think DS2 is just an extrovert social butterfly (like me) while DS1 is an introvert like his father, more than happy in his own company.

You love them both. I love both mine :) I also love their father - who has max 2-3 friends he'll socialise with. Your DD will find people who like her for who she is - she may not find many but she may not need that many.

Much the same here. My quirky dyslexic DD1 doesn't pick up social cues and finds making friends really hard, despite being kind, thoughtful and loyal.

Meanwhile DD2 just gets does other people. She finds them interesting, she remembers names faces, all the things DD1 (and me) can't do. She makes friends at the drop of a hat.

I've often wished she could explain how she does it to DD2, she can't. How you make friends isn't something you can teach, it's a 1000 tiny things that weave together many too subtle to even notice and some obvious, but impossible to copy. Neither DD1 or I can do DD2's disarming cuteness. She's 13, she can still sodding do it!

Fortunately DD1 is much less upset by all this than she has the right to be. She was born with a deep calm, very adult self confidence. Magnified by the fact that she has never had a friend to rely on in school.

She is great friends with the DD of a family friend, but some one you see once a week isn't the same as a school BF or group of mates.

Also she was incredibly lucky, she found her talent at 7. She's a properly good, solo grade singer. To be able to do something well enough your peers and their parents are genuinely impressed is a real godsend.

I know, my party trick was far more mundane. I came top in science exams and I'm good enough at everything else for it to give me confidence. Without the respect that got me school would have been far harder.

I was the more socially-aware, younger sibling. My brother has - I am fairly sure- never been jealous, instead he's been happy for me that I've got friends and have a good time. After all, it's not as if me having fewer friends would mean he had more (!) - I think that's a damaging way for you to think, and maybe it's rubbing off on your older child. It's not your younger child's fault that he's good with people or that his sister is currently less so. In our case, I know my brother and I get on very well and i support him in lots of ways exactly because of the differences in our skills. Your daughter must be into different stuff to your son, other than ballet? And also, why does it matter if she's not brilliant at it? It's a hobby, not a career.

Best of luck though, must be tough

I try hard not to show the children how I feel about this....and I am worried they might subconsciously understand it. Getting it out in writing and seeing is not uncommon makes me feel like I am not a freak and will help me dealing with them in a different way I think.

Very therapeutic ...thank you ladies!

DD wants to be popular ... I think this is what breaks my heart a bit and DS can be very loud and brag about his social life and how lucky he is getting all these invites and how easy for him is to do stuff. However people think he is adorable and nobody thinks he's arrogant which sometimes surprises me. The girls of course love him!

I am trying to make them have a good relationship with each other so that DD will have a good friend in him when they are older.

I was in a similar situation growing up with my younger DD being the social butterfly and now she is one of my best friends, we spend holidays together and go out occasionally. She gets me and loves me for whom I am and I don't need to pretend to be somebody else with her...however we hated each other growing up ....

Meant my younger dsister!

Oh I totally get the "other people think he's adorable" as I say DD2 can be incredibly cute/utterly charming. However, at home she can be a stubborn, stroppy, thoughtless little madam.

However, tolerant DD1 is, it must grate that she's nice everywhere, but it's DD2 who gets all the friends.

Being nice she almost never moans and DD2 and her are good friends.

We live in the middle of nowhere which helps, they only have each other a lot of the time.

Is there a good Guide or Scout group locally that she could try? It isn't something you need to be 'good' at. I was very socially awkward as a child, still am to a certain extent, but found a kind of sanctuary in my Guide group as a child. I now run one and most of my social activities come from that.

Elephant never forgive ... It seems like the old adage that being nice doesn't pay back, doesn't it?

DS is like your DD2 with us at home, but I can honestly say that there is not a bad bone in his body ... At school he is friendly with everybody and teacher commented that he's very helpful to the children who struggle, he likes to include them all.

Never been in a fight or argument and actually he thinks that bullies don't exist as everybody is so nice to him!

I am learning from him a lot... His attitude and point of view sometimes is so refreshing, it's like he only sees the good in people but not in a naive way and so far it has not backfired as people probably feel flattered by it.

DD on the other hand is introverted but very creative and loves writing and reading. She doesn't read people well and has a bit of a negative streak when it comes to interpret people actions.

A bit like me

I now think that this is genetics only as I have raised them exactly the same!

Afterthought - no scouts group where we live, but probably there is one and I don't know. I will look for that, that's a very good idea!

That sounds very sad cannot, yes find a group like scouts or guides that your dd can go to, where there is no type of competition involved. Or a hobby that is for her only, not ds so they do not go to the same clubs. If you see your ds bragging, I would gently pull him up on it, and tell him that it is not very nice to do that. How old are your dc?

9 and 10 and half - DS is younger

Be very very wary of playing down DS's qualities in order not to hurt your DD's feelings.

I was very able academically growing up, while my older sister wasn't. My parents, who were trying to be fair, always downplayed my achievements. I think it got out of hand eventually, such that they themselves couldn't even recognise when I'd done well - they were so keen to avoid favouring me that they simply ignored me entirely. It was so bad that I was the only person in my whole school who had no parents present when final results were handed out - and I got the top marks in the school and in the county in some subjects. I was used to it but the school were horrified.

It had a huge effect on me, such that I never recognised my own achievements either and totally devalued the amazing academic ability that I am now aware of all these years later.

Value both your children for exactly who they are. Don't compare them. Your DS is popular, which is lovely, but it's by no means everything. In fact, popularity can become a massive pain in the arse as you get older (though it might be different for boys, I'm not sure).

Perhaps you should encourage your DD to focus on one or two close friendships? Those, in the long run, are more fulfilling IMO.