To wish my DS was less popular?

[Cannotseewood]

Ds1, 9, is very popular...everybody loves him at school, he is invited to all parties including neighbours/clubs and nursery friends so every week end he can pick and choose which party to go too. My mobile keeps buzzing with invites to play dates/ or sleepovers. He really is popular and knows it and I am happy for him but not used to this degree of popularity so not sure where it comes from. Dd1, 10 and half, on the other hand has always struggled all her life through primary... Awkward socially, not many friends and lately not invites at all. Never invited for a sleepover :( .

I am now careful about DS1 invites ( I hide them and I don't pin them on the fridge anymore ) as DD1 gets very upset about it lately.

AIBU to wish there was more balance and a bit of DS popularity was bestowed on DD or should I just accept them and rejoice for what they are?

Feeling crap at the mo as week end looming and DD will be mostly with me while DS has 3 parties to go to.. Will it change?

I think DD doesn't mind generally but has started thinking there is a problem as it's happening more and more.

I wouldn't worry about it, sounds similar to me and my brother at that age. Now we are adults he failed his gces and works in Wilkinson's I got a PhD and earn 8 times what he does. Social isn't always a good thing.

I-also think Guides are a great way to make friends and try lots of different things at reasonable expense.

I found my niche as a teen in the air cadets as I found school a torture - very academic and I was bullied horrendously. We did lots of different things so list of opportunity to be good at something, I made tons of friends and my confidence bloomed. Perhaps something like this for your dd. one of the cadet forces, guides, St. John's ambulance ect. Somewhere where she can make a group if new friends

These are all great ideas... I will try guides as there is one near us... Love air cadets idea but will need to wait a couple of years for that as it starts from 13yrs old.

DD does various clubs already, hockey, trampoline and drama. She talks to the other girls there but they all seem to know each other already as their mothers are friends or from school and when the club is finished everybody rushes back home. Might try to invite somebody from there ... But they don't seem to talk to each other ... They just go there do the activity and then back home kind of. Probably something like guide / scouts forces them to interact more :)

"DD loves ballet as is the only thing DS didn't want to try ;) but even though she can do it she has never been particularly good at it."

But if she enjoys it, that's important too. We're discouraged from doing too many things we're not "good" at - singing, dancing, painting - and lose out on a lot because of it. But if you enjoy doing something, there's value in that too.

It does seem a little odd you wish your DS was less popular rather than wishing your DD was more popular. You say "She has a couple of friends but not best friends, we invite them but rarely get invited back" but you also say "She doesn't read people well and has a bit of a negative streak when it comes to interpret people actions." Now I would read the first bit, "rarely get invited back", as probably being more to do with the other families' home circumstances than a reflection on you/your home/your DD. I'm happy to invite people here and I don't expect return invites necessarily - if they're not actively declining invites to my home/to play with my DD, then I don't read anything into it. You seem, perhaps, to be ascribing negative intent where there may not be any, and your DD may be picking that up?

I know people who were very popular at school that then struggled when they left that environment and other people who struggled at school and bloomed once they left. (This too will pass...) Your son sounds quite extroverted, you and your DD sound quite introverted. It's okay for people to be different, and there's nothing wrong with being an introvert. Maybe accept she's an introvert and work with that, rather than wishing she were different? There is lots of stuff online about raising introverted children.

The title of the thread was a bit a provocation and also because I know it's wrong but that was the way I felt.

What I really meant is that there is a very obvious unbalance between the 2 which makes the gap look wider as it's in the same household.

I wish them both to be the best they can and remember their childhood as a happy time... But sometimes we have these irrational thoughts which we would never confess to the outside world...

Hope I am not the only one?!!

I have four DC and I found each of their year groups were very different. Some years groups seem to have loads of parties and play dates and other year groups very few. It's not nessecerily the kids iyswim

In some years nearly every kid in my DS2's class had a whole class party. It wasn't because of his personality (lovely as it is )

These problems are always tricky but it sounds like you are handling it well.

I know what you mean, like I said, I found putting a bit more effort into my quiet DS friendships and activities helps

If you would like your DD invited to a sleepover.... Start with organising a sleepover at yours. Is my advice.

Guides is a great place to start and they are encouraged more to work together that's where I started then went onto the cadets - found guides a bit girly lol

Great ideas for clubs etc. if she has less body confidence and coordination is there nagging like a bouldering centre (indoor climbing without ropes) near you? I take my shy DN to a group and it's been absolutely amazing for her confidence - has developed her attention, coordination and problem solving and gives a huge sense of achievement.

Chandon - I have found in the past that my attempts at pushing DD into friendships have backfired... As the other child was not right for her.
On the other hand the few friends she has, she chose them, but they are quiet like her and don't do many sleepovers/ play dates. She always gets invited to their birthday parties though.

I had a chat with her this morning and I think the new pressure for her is coming from the social networks where she sees pictures of the other girls in her class having sleepovers / parties / nails done etc etc and chatting to each other constantly. There is a group of around 10 girls in her class who are very cliquey and seem to live in each other house, very girly and outwardly more mature. They are nice girls.... Not nasty, just very different from DD.

SO it looks after all DS is not the reason for her doubts!

I like the idea of guides now as probably she can meet more girls like her there

Feeling very positive this morning... You gotta love mumsnet!

Hi CannotSee I know exactly where you are coming from and I empathise with you. We have a bit of this in my house too, somewhat masked by a good sized age gap. Younger ds can and does charm the birds from the trees everywhere he goes. It's almost ridiculous. Dd is gorgeous, but a completely different soul. A tad introverted, and a bit of 'road less travelled' person. Will never follow the crowd with whatever is "in" at school etc. I admire this trait in her, but it does make for fewer friends, which didn't hugely bother her but eventually it did mean she was picked on by "mean girls" regularly and was made to feel a social misfit. This got to her. She joined the Scouts at 12 and this was a bit of a life saver. She got to know boys and girls outside her school group, and she just loves it. I like the values the scouts espouse, the leaders are good people, the kids are lovely and supportive of each other. I'd give it a go for your dd Best of luck, you sound like a great Mum.

Oh, the evils of social networks...

Don 't push her into friendships that are not really friends, that is not what I mean. I mean foster the friendships with those kids she has chosen to be her friends ( you can't engineer friendships at this age! ).

Mayeb encourage her to get off the social networks, many grown ups do as it just amkes them feel left out and bad!

My 12 yr old just txts his friends.

I think a lot of it is down to self confidence, which is influenced by their experiences to date. My dd was painfully shy when little and not popular at all at primary. Cue secondary and with the right people around her she blossomed, now one of the most outgoing popular girls around. Ds on the other hand was an outgoing and In the 'in' group at primary. Something went wrong when he started secondary, he doesn't get invited to any parties etc and his confidence has taken a dive.

My point is I suppose that it can be circumstance (eg not liking the people around them) which can really affect how things pan out for them.

Guides can be good, DD1 has found it great for finding friends who like doing stuff, rather than just painting their nails and talking about music and boys.

Also, like bouldering/climbing. Do yo have a trampoline club?

Ours is really inclusive, their are groups at all levels (including a big disability group) and lots of time for relaxed chatting warming up and waiting for a turn. They run competitions for everyone, on ability and age, not just the squad members.

Quite different to gymnastics, who really boil down to squad and a core of very good recreational DCs who have no competitions at all, just do badges.

I was your DD. Not very popular but my 2 years younger brother was the most popular guy in school. Proper big man on campus stuff, in all the sports teams, lead in every school play etc.

It actually really worked in my favour when we got to secondary school. I wouldn't say it made me more popular but everyone knew I was M's sister and it definitely protected me from the bullying I'm sure would have been inevitable otherwise. I did have friends btw but just wasn't popular per se, and I'm sure school would have been awful for me if my brother wasn't my brother. It helped that we adored each other and he would have ripped the head off anyone who bullied me.

Funnily enough, things are very different now we are in our thirties. My brother is happy but has few friends, is introverted, not a great job and lives in someone's shed. I on the other hand have more friends than time to see them, and an amazing life.

Thank you all for the advise and also for the stories.

I was my DD, but wasn't aware of it as much as she is. My sister was more popular. We both turned out OK. We both chose the life we wanted and went for it. Very different but both fulfilling. I always thought my mum did a good job.

But she didn't have the external circumstances we have to deal with today.

Boysclothes, great story, thank you for sharing. But then it makes me think that probably the children we perceive to be popular at a young age then go on and sleep on the aurels so to speak as they don't think they have to make much of an effort to succeed in life.

As a parent we can fail to give them enough push to improve as we think they don't need it...

I make sure I have lots of one to one with DS as well as when he was 6 once told me over breakfast he thought I was spending too much time with DD :(.

Bottom line - even popular kids need the same attention and push as less popular kids or they will pay for it later in life. Or is this a too simplistic view?

I am sure outside circumstances influence too, but I will focus on what I can change.

So- I will need to stop comparing and my irrational thoughts have completely gone!

I Should change the name of thread too, but as I said it was there more to grab attention :)

That's totally true about my DB resting on his laurels. He relied completely on being funny, charming and physically remarkable. He put no effort into anything ever and still has not. His job, which is decently paid if not exactly anyone's dream, he got through those three attributes and he still coasts through life now on the back of being funny, charming and physically remarkable! Only it doesn't got as far as it did once. He IS happy though and has everything he wants. He just doesn't want much.

yeah, I agree with your bottom line.

Interestingly, I think my introverted quiet DS1 is in a way more secure in himself than my outgoing confident and charming, popular DS2.

DS2's world falls apart if you remove his peers' approval.

His confidence is partly built on outside approval, whereas DS1's quiet confidence comes from within, if that makes sense.

Oh definitely OP, the popular child needs a push as well. And some more challenging things too.

If things always come easily to the popular and clever child, one of the things they never work out is how to deal with it when things are hard, or how to really strive for something.

At some point natural cleverness is not enough and you need to put effort in. At some point he will come across someone who WILL give him a hard time, possibly because of his very popularity! Being good at lots of sports means he can easily lose focus on a particular sport, and eventually not be good enough to be brilliant at ONE sport. It will be very hard for him to deal with.

Your DD on the other hand, as long as you continue to encourage her the way you do, will come out ok. Because she's learned to deal with disappointment, she's learned to put the effort in to become good at something.

But OP, you sound like you will do a good jog, otherwise you wouldn't be so worried about it!

Because this parenting lark has thrown you a curve ball, it means you have to work at it, and you will probably do a brilliant job as a result!