To wish my DS was less popular?

[Cannotseewood]

Ds1, 9, is very popular...everybody loves him at school, he is invited to all parties including neighbours/clubs and nursery friends so every week end he can pick and choose which party to go too. My mobile keeps buzzing with invites to play dates/ or sleepovers. He really is popular and knows it and I am happy for him but not used to this degree of popularity so not sure where it comes from. Dd1, 10 and half, on the other hand has always struggled all her life through primary... Awkward socially, not many friends and lately not invites at all. Never invited for a sleepover :( .

I am now careful about DS1 invites ( I hide them and I don't pin them on the fridge anymore ) as DD1 gets very upset about it lately.

AIBU to wish there was more balance and a bit of DS popularity was bestowed on DD or should I just accept them and rejoice for what they are?

Feeling crap at the mo as week end looming and DD will be mostly with me while DS has 3 parties to go to.. Will it change?

I think DD doesn't mind generally but has started thinking there is a problem as it's happening more and more.

I was more popular, prettier, slimmer, and more academically able than my sisters. By a long way. It's very difficult indeed to be in such a position, nobody in the family acknowledging you fully, or celebrating you. Awful.
The guilt you feel for something that is just natural to you, is terrible.

Yabu, why not wish that your dd was more popular?
Best try to build her confidence rather than wish that away from your son.

Was also going to suggest Guides, as its not something you have to be good at, as such. You can use this to enquire about local groups: Join Us

But also, I think it's important to remember there are lots of things your daughter is better at than your son. It could be anything - making a cup of tea, being a reliable friend, drawing cartoons, writing, being tactful, thinking up silly puns. Maybe write a list of her talents to remind yourself. It may be that her little brother envies her any or all of them. And don't forget the younger will always strive to compete with the elder because the firstborn is "ahead" right up to adulthood. It's natural and probably something that pushes him on.

My brother and I were like this. He is very popular, always has been.

I was less so, though academically brighter. High school was difficult at times. I just wasn't like my peers. Started evening out by 6th form. Uni was the turning point for me, as my favourite teacher always said it would be.

It was easier to manage for my parents than it is for you, I think because there is an 8 year age gap between us.

Your daughter will be fine, it just takes some children longer to find their social rhythm, whatever that might be.

I am feeling a bit attacked here now, good meaning advise I am sure but it seems to imply I don't already do that.

DD has her good talents that I praise her for and DS gets my pride all the time, I would never miss any of his school plays or assemblies and I always praise him, but I make sure I do it out of DD earshot as he already gets praised by everybody else... But if course he needs mummy approval too!
Cailindana, that must have felt awful! Probably your mum thought that praise should come from other people, not family! (This was my mum motto btw )

I don't want to fuel the sibling rivalry that it's natural...so I am very careful with this.

I just wish that the other kids would do the same and see their good traits and treat them the same.

But hey - I am their mother and natural for me to do, guess not realistic to expect it...

Popularity isn't about good traits unfortunately. Popular people tend to be the ones who project confidence and have ways of making other people feel good about themselves without being a doormat. It's a tough balance to strike and a relatively rare skill. Being popular isn't really a great asset in the long run though IMO - it's nice, but it's no more valuable than academic skill or any other talent.

I'm getting the impression you have never been very popular yourself? Could that be clouding your views, in that you're putting too much value on your DS's popularity?

Alisvolatpropiis - great to hear a story with a happy ending. Gives me a smile

I think the adage should be being "nice" is not enough.

Being nice doesn't give you the ability to read people and make them be friends.

There is an indescribable separate something else.
I've known both nice, kind, thoughtful people with that something and manipulative and/or unpleasant gossipy judgemental people with it to.

I'm sure your DD will blossom. How about sewing club or Art/craft clubs?

IME "nice" often means "I do things for people and I expect friendship in return and I don't get it." Most of the people who I've met who complain about being "too nice" don't understand how friendship works.

As long as you bring DS up not to be a show off and to consider his sisters feelings and DD can shine and be confident in some areas, I can't see the problem. I would really follw the art/creative route if her interests lie there. Maybe she could join a book club when older. Sometimes it takes a while to meet other likeminded people and to develop people skills

I have this, only my oldest is an 11 yr old boy.

My 9 yr old isMr Popular, which means lots of invites (even from girls! )

I have made a lit of effort to get to know DS1 friends. He used to have 1 best friend only. Now he has 3.

I contact these boys' mums and invite them over to play, or sleepover.

I think he us happy though, and his friendships go a bit deeper (more loyalty and acceptance) , whereas extroverted DS2's world falls apart if he has a bust up with his friends.

DS2's happiness is tied up with his popularity whereas my introverted DS1 has a stronger sense if self, and has a quiet confidence from within.

Maybe help your DD to cement some budding friendships, and if she would like a sleepover, organise one yourself. Also make sure you convey to her that being quiet is a good quality, and that having 1 loyal friend is worth more than 20 birthday invites!

Chandon makes a good point actually - what assistance have you given your DD in nuturing friendships, in terms of organising get togethers and sleepovers etc?

Caulindana - when and where I grew up there was no much emphasis put on popularity until you were in your late teens.

I had a very happy and blissfully ignorant about popularity childhood.

My sister was more popular when we were teen agers- but by then I knew who I was and got my self confidence as nobody had said something was wrong with me ever :) while growing up. All personalities were accepted. Or that was my perception.

I find that today schooling system put too much emphasis on making friends from a very young age (4?!) and social media / television and movies add to that...
And all parents I know always talk about this.
I think it's great to spot children with SN, but then what happens is that shyer/ late developer kids are penalised and we all try to play the game.

My friend was told by her well meaning teacher last week that her son in reception must make an effort to play with the others and she should invite kids for tea over. I question ... Why the pressure?

I wish we could rewind but then... I like modern life..

I agree there is far too much emphasis on popularity and making friends. IME as a teacher, lots of children are perfectly happy to rub along next to their peers without any great emphasis on being best buddies. Part of the emphasis comes from a worry that a child will be lonely or bullied if they don't have some people on their side, but I totally agree that harping on about it can make perfectly happy children worry about the whole thing unnecessarily.

I had only a couple of friends in primary and secondary and it didn't bother me in the slightest. I now have a lot more friends and am considered "popular" but I couldn't care less about that really. I still have a couple of very good friends and they are important to me. The popularity is a by-product of an increase in confidence and can feel a bit of a burden at times. I don't dislike it but I could do without it if it suddenly disappeared as long as the close friends stick around.

Completely understand where you are coming from.

However, some children just have a different path - e.g Lucian Freud = edgy very talented artist, clement Freud = cosy racanteur and politician.

Sorry you're feeling got at, Cannot
I'm sure no-one doubts you are fair and appreciate them both equally.

As another poster said, people do find their own pace at different times. My brother is absolutely happy as larry now, but didn't hit his stride until late twenties really. But then despite having good friends, I never got asked out til college and didn't have boyfriend until quite late (around 18) when many of my friends had been in serious long term relationships by 15!!

Gosh, OP I don't like the sound of you praising your DS out of earshot of your dd. are you ashamed of him?

I think you should acknowledge they are different people, who may or may not have the same skillset to varying degrees.

Not all siblings are rivals either, if they're not compared and contrasted all the time.

Stick the invites up on the fridge for goodness sake- you sound like you're walking round on eggshells.

So, you have an introvert who is physically klutzy and you have an extrovert who is good at sports. Let them know that being different is ok and each should let their natural talents be expressed.

If you have to wish anything about our dcs, wish your dd accepts herself for who she is and that your DS accepts himself for who he is. I do think you need to learn how to accept them both.

Your OP is quite nasty to your ds IMO, and I can see why people are being a bit harsh- you do sound like you need to get a new perspective about parenting two very different individuals.

Your dd needs your help to forge friendships- maybe take her horse riding?
Sometimes working with animals can be very liberating for people who are physically uncoordinated and who find human relationships difficult.

Your DS needs to know you are not afraid of his friendship superpowers, he deserves and needs your public praise too!

Don't wish him ill to somehow balance him out with your less popular DD- that ploy won't work- they'll both do badly on that miserly diet.

It sounds really difficult for your daughter, especially as she and her brother are so close in age. And it must be heartbreaking for you sometimes.

But I don't think it will help either child if you hide your son's invitations or refrain from praising him in front of your daughter. That sends the wrong message to both children IMO. Your son might get the impression that his popularity and achievements are somehow wrong, something to feel guilty and furtive about. And your daughter's feelings of jealousy might actually intensify if she feels she's somehow justified in blaming her brother for her own social awkwardness.

I agree with some PPs that helping her develop her own friendships and facilitating activities with friends (and on her own) is the better approach.

venusrising - first attack on thread alert! :)

I am sure you are perfect in every way and your kids are perfect too .

Hope you also teach them compassion and understanding for people who feel different from us. And also teach them to read between the lines...

My thread is not about how I treat them but how the world treats them and how they feel about it.

My job is to be there to support them when they need me while they develop in the individuals they are... But all this outside popularity contest is making it hard for me at times as at face level one doesn't seem to have problems while the others seems to think she does. Sibling rivalry exists .. You don't need to play kids against each other it just exists...

I salute your perfection and advise btw.. But your advice goes down my drain because you don't know me and my parenting skills ...

Btw - I don't usually over praise my kids in general as I think they should be praised by others... Publicly.., this goes back to the way I was raised.

However I like to tell them all the things I love about them / I am proud of when we have one to one time - it could be breakfast or before bed or when one of them is out.

It works for me...

The invites on the fridge just seem like a continuos reminder that I find unnecessary to have in their face all the time :(

In a round about way, this reminds me of threads we have regularly on here when someone is pregnant, but has a sibling/SIL who is struggling to conceive and the family are so worried about upsetting the one who can't concieve, they don't celebrate the pregnancy - the damage to the relationship to the one with the baby is often long lasting, and puts up a wall of resentment between the 2 siblings.

Basically OP, be very careful of not upsetting your DS in an attempt to avoid upsetting your DD. I can see why you want to hide your DS's successes from her, but in the long run, that's bad habit to get into, particularly if your DS is expected to praise his sister's achievements but she isn't expected to praise his (because they are kept from her). If he gets his praise in private and she gets hers at the family dinner table, that's not going to make him think you don't think his are as important.

Another thought for your DD, have you tried something like drama workshops?

Please read my last post ...I praise them both separately ... In one to one.. This is the way I was raised and I prefer it :)

oh right, yes encourage your dd to explore different hobbies music, theatre, sport, scouts or even bird watching or something not competative. I guess its hard seeing your little brother excelling and your being left behind. If ds does boast do pull him up on it.