To make my mum sleep on a hard floor with 2 dogs in a cold house in the last week of December?

[RevoltingPeasant]

I feel really guilty and bad about this - need to know if IABU :(

My mum and her partner are coming to stay with us for a week in the last week of Dec, when I will be 35/6 weeks pg. They would normally of course sleep in our spare bedroom, which is the room where the baby's stuff is stored and where he and I will be sleeping when we come home from hospital. The last owners of our house left it filthy and we have scrubbed it down ourselves and are also planning on having the room (carpets, curtains) professionally steam cleaned before they come and before baby is born.

My mum is bringing her dog. Great. I love her dog, have known her for 12 years, and she is very well trained and never jumps on furniture or beds. Quite happy to sleep by herself. My mum's partner is also bringing her dog. Also fine. BUT. PartnersDog apparently has to sleep not only in the same room as MumsPartner, but on the same bed.

I am uncomfortable with this because generally, I don't really want a dog sleeping our spare bed, on our bedding. I love dogs, but you know, they roll in stuff that you wouldn't want on your bedding. My mum says they can put old blankets around the dog to prevent it touching the bedding but still.....

Also, dog hair gets everywhere and I don't really want it in the carpets/ curtains and on the baby's stuff just a couple of weeks before bringing the baby home to sleep there. I don't feel I'll have the energy to do another deep clean then, esp as I will also be working full time in a demanding job still.

My mum is sympathetic but partner is apparently offended as her dog is clean and this is the way she always does this. Mum's solution is for her and partner to bring a camping mattress and to sleep downstairs, on our hard wood floor, with the dogs, in a draughty 1930s house. Mum has a bad back and partner has a dodgy shoulder (both in their mid 60s).

I feel like a total heel and unhospitable even contemplating that :( So should I just give in and let PartnersDog sleep in the bed, or AIBU to say our house rule is no dogs upstairs?

hooby because I think I may sleep with pfb to nurse him so DH doesn't get woken up unnecessarily. I dunno, I've never had a baby so don't know what it will be like, but when I've had kidney surgery before and have been achy and lost blood/ had stitches, I've found it easier to settle in a bed on my own. On that logic, I'm thinking of a Snuzpod (3 sided newborn cot) with me in the spare room to chill and establish bf, so I can rustle around, turn lights on etc without waking up DH when he needs to be getting back to work fairly soon after the birth.

Oh your sister should def take the bed.

Then at least you won't run the risk of them changing their minds about the floor & partner taking her dog to bed!

that'll teach them to dick about!!

Honestly, I think you're tying yourself in knots over nothing. Your DM and her DP have offered to sleep downstairs and your Dsis can take the spare room. Job done! Just try to relax now or you WILL have that baby early through stress.

Go halves with them on one of those super dooper blow up beds that come up to normal bed height so your mum doesn't have to climb down into bed. You'll need it for future visits anyway.
ALThOUGH, having said that, I banned dogs from the house when I brought my first baby home. That meant PIL couldn't visit together for the next two years until I eased up.
There must have been a happy medium to be found but I was clearly bonkers to do this to my lovely PIL. To their credit, they accepted it and soldiered on, I am forever grateful they indulged me.
Especially since that first baby now sleeps in his bed with a golden retriever and a terrier.

I understand now, RevoltingPeasant! :)

I didn't breastfeed and am still was so furious that my husband refused to attend to our DC at all through all the night feeds and crying that I was wholly unwilling to keep the noise down for his benefit!

But you don't know that dog well and how it copes in a strange home. It might decide to pee everywhere and mark it's new 'territory' if separated from the partner. It might well bark or whine continuously all night, or eat something unsuitable and puke, or chew something it shouldn't, who knows? And you don't want to be vacuuming up loads of dog hairs from upstairs.

You have spent a lot of time and effort to get your house clean and ready for the new baby while you still have the energy and that is the way it should stay. That isn't being PFB.

Partner has made a rod for her own back allowing the dog to sleep with her so that's her problem. I don't know why she's coming at all for a whole week, if she knows the score re: dogs upstairs at your home. And maybe your mum is seeing a less likeable side to her partner.

But you don't know that dog well and how it copes in a strange home. It might decide to pee everywhere and mark it's new 'territory' if separated from the partner. It might well bark or whine continuously all night, or eat something unsuitable and puke, or chew something it shouldn't, who knows? And you don't want to be vacuuming up loads of dog hairs from upstairs.

This is pretty much what I think in a nutshell.

Partner is one of those people who is overtly 'lovely' but I find her hard work. She has already said to one of my sisters that she thinks my mum spends too much time with/ panders to us, her children, too much.

I just feel sad as I only see my mum 3-ish times a year (this year, it's been a 2-4 days at a time in May, in August, and planning for Nov) as she lives 350 miles away and we both work full time. It's her first grandchild and I really want to just spend some time with her around Xmas/ that late pregnancy stage as it's likely to be our only and it feels like a special time.

tbh I'm quite hacked off that Partner who lives with her on/off is willing to disrupt that......... Grr!

Sounds to me as if it might be a case of her partner is trying to prove a point then by getting your mum to "choose" between you & her!

I think that your DM's partner is rude.

Stick to your guns and be prepared to support your mum who may want to argue with her but doesn't seem able to...

I have a dog and she is not allowed upstairs and has never slept on a bed.

I understand you don't want the dog upstairs. But they need to then sleep downstairs with the dogs or don't bring them. It won't work if they bring the dogs and sleep in the spare room and leave the dogs downstairs because if the spoiled pooch has never known any different to sleeping with it's owner it's likely to howl the house down if separated.

So you if you are not willing to bend on the no dogs upstairs rule, you have no choice but to accept their offer of sleeping downstairs. no pout in feeling bad about it.

YANBU and at clean dog.

Love my dog dearly but don't let her in bed with me, I don't want dog smell and dog hair there and I live with her! Would never let her on someone else's bed.

I'd go with the solution they've offered, they'll be fine on the bed downstairs and will have the dogs for comfort/company. If you're really worried, a lot of hotels including Travelodge now take dogs, but it's going to be a complicated enough time for you, they need to do a bit of the accommodating!

Stop trying to fix the issue by thinking up alternatives. You cannot fix a grown woman's childish, selfish and controlling behaviour. You can only change how you react to it, and protect your own needs.

No cheap duvets, or blow up beds. The rule is no dogs upstairs. They both need to respect it or stay elsewhere or don't come at all. Otherwise you'll resent this visit forever more, and that's hard to come back from.

I don't think there is anything wrong with your mother or her partner's behaviour.

They have said the dog needs to sleep in the bed but they are respecting your wishes and have offered to sleep downstairs as a good compromise. It looks like they are doing everything they can to keep the peace.

People who say their dog has to sleep in the same ROOM as them, let alone the same bed, need to get a grip.

OTOH you will WASH your sheets, right? Do you not believe that washing works? You are on Mumsnet, do you not have children have they never vomited or pooed or wee-ed or bled on the sheets?

It isnt a case of "doggy people" needing to get a grip or "non doggy people" being callous.
Different people do things differently and both ways are ok.

Hot washing, tumble drying and carpet steaming should get rid of all trace of dog, but I think somebody other than the OP should do the cleaning. (if they decide to let the dog upstairs)
She has already gone above the call of duty by having guests including a "stranger" right before the birth.

Hello rp YANBU as it is your house and your decision as to where dogs sleep. If the humans would rather sleep in the dog bed then so be it. Accept their response to your one house rule and let them get on with it. I have a dog, that I love more than anything and yet- she is not allowed upstairs or on the sofa, nor would I dream of dictating where she slept if we were staying away. Don't fret about it and try to enjoy the time with your mum. hope you're well otherwise x

I think you should only offer them stale bread and water too.

Hi tiger :)

Yes Trills we do wash here!! No I don't have DC yet, this is my first. It's not only about the bedding, though that's a big part of it. But tbh, last time mums dog stayed she (dog not mum) got an upset tummy, possibly stress at the travel, and had a bit of diarrhoea downstairs. We have wood floors and mum cleaned it up right away. It didn't bug me. But an accident like that on a bed would be grim!

Gentle, I'd count myself a doggy person in general! I just think dogs should not beg, jump up, or be on beds/furniture. My mum's dog has been raised that way and has lovely manners.

Anyhow, my mum has said she will have a word with DP and make sure DP really doesn't mind sleeping downstairs. I have said if there is anything we can do to make it comfy we will. Hopefully that is enough.....

I am sure it will be enough, RP. It is obvious that you are going out of your way to make them comfy.
I expect they will be just fine downstairs, and just glad of the chance to spend time with you.

OP, you have a very reasonable rule. Don't worry about it. Your mum's DP sounds VU if she thinks that 3x a year for a mum to see her daughters is too much. She doesn't sound great!