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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a huge family bed

71 replies

OlderMummy1 · 16/10/2014 22:48

I have a 3yo DD and a 7 month old DS after a long and hard infertility journey. I have always been strict about bedtimes and they have always been good sleepers 7am-7pm now. The last few days my DD has been quite poorly and so has slept with me. I love sleeping with her so much. I love cuddling and kissing her in the night and seeing her as soon as I open my eyes.

I have realised the I would really like a huge family bed for us all to sleep in (and DS too when he is a bit bigger and it is safe). Obviously DH and I could have our own little haven for snuggles and intimate time but then we all sleep together. I wouldn't like to sleep on my own and I feel awful now for making my children sleep on their own. My DD is crying now as she wants to sleep with mummy after her 2 night stay.

DH thinks I have finally lost the plot. Maybe I have. It might be a response to the tough time we as a family are having at the moment and me realising how fleeting life can be

OP posts:

Purplepoodle · 16/10/2014 22:55

That's fine as long as your dh is on board, my boss does it with her 4 kids. Having said that her husband tends to end up in one of the kids beds as he says it's too noisy with all the kids

Smartiepants79 · 16/10/2014 23:00

I think that unless you have your husband on board with this it is not a workable plan. If you are both happy with it then that's totally up to you.
If your children have always been good sleepers then what has suddenly made you feel they've been unhappy in their own beds?
I know that co sleeping would absolutely not work for me. I am happy sleeping alone. I like sleeping with DH too but I sleep better alone. So do both of my girls. They have been in their own cots/beds since around 6-7 months and the Moses basket before that. I don't regret that decision. They both sleep very well and are perfectly content.
You must have had good reasons for the first choice you made about sleeping arrangements. If they sleep well then I'd say if it ain't broke don't fix it!

furcoatbigknickers · 16/10/2014 23:01

I dont have a huge bed but should get one. I have 4 dcs and often have 1 or 2 in the bed, its great but sometimes wabt our own space.

thewrongmans · 16/10/2014 23:03

We all slept together until my kids started school. They have always been amazing sleepers and I think it was because they felt so secure because they slept with us. We just got a bigger bed when they got bigger. I miss my snuggles.

ArgyMargy · 16/10/2014 23:03

Weird. And needy.

FuckYouSheRa · 16/10/2014 23:03

Ds2 sleeps in our bed. He's three.

We mostly love it. But he is an absolutely rubbish sleeper and it's evolved from that.

I'm saving up for a big big bed as we speak.

steff13 · 16/10/2014 23:04

I have a co-worker who does this. Her kids are now 14 and 10, a boy and a girl. She sleeps in the bed with them, and her husband has been exiled to one of the kids' beds. I think it's weird because of her kids' ages, and also because she's essentially kicked her husband out of their bedroom.

With younger kids like yours I think it's ok, as long as your husband is on board. It seems like he's not, though.

You said you wouldn't like to sleep on your own, did you not sleep on your own as a kid?

Trills · 16/10/2014 23:04

If your DD was happy sleeping in her own bed before then she will be again.

WitchWay · 16/10/2014 23:05

I much prefer sleeping alone love it when DH is away & hated when then small DS ended up in bed with us.

Up to you though - you plural that is - you and your DH not you and the kids

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2014 23:06

It does seem a bit strange to start co-sleeping at 3.

Sylviet · 16/10/2014 23:06

Children adore being able to sleep alongside their mother. If you feel the same toward them, YANBU!

But how does your DH feel about it? He may want you more to himself, or his bed to himself.

I feel exactly the same as you about sleeping with my children.
Absolutely love it, super special.

Purplepixiedust · 16/10/2014 23:11

I co-slept a lot with our son from him being 3 weeks old following safety advice. Husband worked nights so slept mostly in the spare room in the beginning. After a while I bought a bedside cot and I would pop him in there after feeding/rocking him to sleep and then when he woke for a feed about midnight would fish him in with me. I usually fell asleep and didn't get around to putting him back. When he was about 18m and moved to his own room and a bed, he would go sleep in his bed and when he woke would toddle in and get in with me. As he approached 3 and bedspace became an issue we moved from a kingsize to superking bed (as he used to still wake anytime from 1-6am for a feed) and it is still lovely on the rare occassion he wakes in the night (I never turn him away) or for bedtime reading or early morning cuddles. I always sleep well with him there. He has just turned 8.

YANBU OP but for a family bed to work your OH has to be on board too. Do some reasearch and see if you still fancy it and can pursuade him. I know of families who do it and it works for them. It used to be done more commonly years ago and siblings used to share beds once out of the parents room. I have always thought it isn't nice for young kids to sleep alone. Could you give DD a cuddle in her bed while she's settling down and see how that goes? If you decide against a full time family bed, you could do as we have and buy a bigger bed to make your children welcome as and when they need it.

Trills · 16/10/2014 23:14

Children adore being able to sleep alongside their mother.

WEEEOOOOWEEEE_OOOO

Massive generalisation klaxxon.

LadyLuck10 · 16/10/2014 23:17

You will be encouraging unhealthy sleeping habits. It's not fair to your DH.

weeblueberry · 16/10/2014 23:19

I suspect my 17mo daughter doesn't adore sleeping with me as the few times we've had to do it I've had at least 3 elbows in the jaw, 2 headbutts and probably a couple of claw marks...

She hates it. I hate it. We don't do it.

Sounds like your husband isn't on board with it though and because of this id definitely advise against it. Intimate time as a couple is important and if he feels the bed is part of that you have to respect it.

flipflopsandcottonsocks · 16/10/2014 23:21

I think it's a LOVELY idea. We co-sleep with our almost 2 year old, although this wasn't our original intention! He has always been a bad sleeper and I quickly established that he slept so much better with me, and aside from a few half hearted attempts to move him to his own room, he spends every night in between DH and I Now he is a bit bigger we have attached his cot bed to the side of our bed so that there is a bit more room for everyone, but he rarely sleeps on it as he likes to be really close to me.

I see no issue with it, we may be creating a rod for our own backs, but frankly I don't care! I love having him there, he loves being there, and DH isn't bothered one way or the other, so win win I think! He's unlikely to still voluntarily be there at 15 is he?!

BerylStreep · 16/10/2014 23:22

I co-slept with both my DC until they were about 9 months old.

Now, I never quite know where I am going to go to sleep or indeed wake up in our house. Our bed is always available for whichever child wants to sleep there, but the principle is that it is fairly much by exception.

DS likes going to sleep in our room, but he generally gets moved to his own room when we go to bed, otherwise one of us will sleep with him and the other will go to the guest room. We will never turn away a child who comes in the middle of the night.

Having said that, I would caution against setting up an expectation that your DC are welcome every night.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 16/10/2014 23:23

Well co-sleeping is the norm in plenty of cultures and countries. Just because in England it isn't doesn't make it weird or unhealthy. It's just not culturally commonplace.

That said, if your DH doesn't want to then it may breed resentment on his part. Only you know your DH though.

Selks · 16/10/2014 23:23

It's not weird, it's just not often done in western culture. In many other cultures family all sleep together in shared living spaces.
Mind, I bet many of them would jump at having a bit more privacy if it was possible.

mummyrainbows · 16/10/2014 23:25

To be honest it's a little bit selfish on your part. As much as we would all love cuddles and wake up with tiny feet In our faces(yea its happened to me) I think it's your duty as a parent to help your children learn to sleep on their own and to be comfortable doing it. My 2 year old sleeps in her own bed and often wakes up early morning and climbs into bed with me (doesn't matter because my other half works nights) but I try my best to encourage her to get back into her bed the next night. Your going down a very tough road if you let the kids think your bed = their bed. It's a very hard habit to kick. And your poor DP he must want some alone time with you. You need that. Other wise before you know it the kids take over every part of your life. That is of course just my opinion and I advise you to do whatever makes you and your family happy and comfortable xx

Sylviet · 16/10/2014 23:26

Small children are hard wired pragmatically to relax most where they are safest and food is guaranteed. What vulnerable infant in the world of nature can you think of that doesn't clng to its nurturer/body guard after dark?

Survival of the species and all that.

Garbo complexes arrive much later in life.

ilovesooty · 16/10/2014 23:27

Why does your husband think you have finally lost the plot?

jellybelly701 · 16/10/2014 23:33

I would start making permanent plans based on just two nights of co-sleeping. Your child may be a joy to sleep next to and wake up to for the first few weeks maybe even months but the novelty will most likely wear off.

Co-sleeping has its uses but it is very hard to get a good rest when you are waking up umpteen times in the night with an ass in your face or a sharp fingernail in the eye. Checking the quilt hasn't risen too far up. Such a simple thing like swapping sides to lay on becomes difficult. Depending on where your bed is positioned you cannot just flip onto your other side in case baby falls/gets nudged off the bed.

thenightsky · 16/10/2014 23:39

I was going to say do it as you never hear of teenagers still being in bed with parents.

Then I read steff13s post

LaurieFairyCake · 16/10/2014 23:43

It seems really obvious that children should sleep with their parents as it aids attachment and makes them feel safe.

Doesn't mean you have to do it though. I wouldn't/haven't.

They will naturally want their own space as they establish more independence.

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