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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a huge family bed

71 replies

OlderMummy1 · 16/10/2014 22:48

I have a 3yo DD and a 7 month old DS after a long and hard infertility journey. I have always been strict about bedtimes and they have always been good sleepers 7am-7pm now. The last few days my DD has been quite poorly and so has slept with me. I love sleeping with her so much. I love cuddling and kissing her in the night and seeing her as soon as I open my eyes.

I have realised the I would really like a huge family bed for us all to sleep in (and DS too when he is a bit bigger and it is safe). Obviously DH and I could have our own little haven for snuggles and intimate time but then we all sleep together. I wouldn't like to sleep on my own and I feel awful now for making my children sleep on their own. My DD is crying now as she wants to sleep with mummy after her 2 night stay.

DH thinks I have finally lost the plot. Maybe I have. It might be a response to the tough time we as a family are having at the moment and me realising how fleeting life can be

OP posts:

HappyAsASandboy · 16/10/2014 23:46

We have a huge bed that is full by the end of the night :)

Our cosleeping wasn't planned, it just evolved. My DH slept in his own room after our twins were born, as he wouldn't have got any sleep in our room while they were little. So I started to cosleep with the two babies in our king size bed. Eventually DH wanted to come back, and the babies were sleeping well enough that he'd actually get some sleep, so he moved back in - but we put a single bed up against the king size one to fit him in :) We coslept like that until the twins were just over three.

When the twins were three and a bit, we moved them into their own room. They go to bed fine in there and like having their own beds, but once they wake in the night they come and join us in our bed. So we kept the king size + single arrangement. This is great, as DH have our own bed for the first half of the night, but then get cuddles with the kids later and in the morning.

Things are about to get more exciting as I am due DC 3 in a few weeks. We plan to add a cot without one side to the side of the king size bed so that there is room for everyone (with strict instructions that the twins are not allowed in the cot so that baby has a safe sleeping area next to me).

I figure I have the rest of my life to sleep in a bed on my own with DH. For these 5, 6, 7 years I want to share with my kids too. They won't want to sleep in my bed forever, so I've got to take my chance while I can :)

wanderingcloud · 16/10/2014 23:49

We have a "family bed", basically, just two double beds pushed together. Comfortably sleeps 4 of us. Generally DS's sleep on one bed and DH and I on the other, but, there's room for movement in night if someone does wake up and wants a cuddle. It doesn't ever disturb anyone else very much. Guess we're all just quite deep sleepers. DH and never planned on bed sharing, it just evolved out of necessity when I returned to work early with a baby that never, ever, slept on a surface that was separate to me. We spent several weeks in a dangerously sleep deprived state (alternatively sitting up in the living room with the baby throughout the night befire working through the day when DS1 would catch up on his zzz's at the childminder) before I finally over came my absolute terror that co-sleeping would kill my baby and tried it. It was the first time any of us slept for longer than a couple of hours and felt amazing. It works well for us as a family. When DS2 arrived we figured if it ain't broke and all that. We know it's not the cultural norm in the UK but, frankly, neither of us care what anyone else thinks. We're all happy and well rested.

Fcukfifa · 16/10/2014 23:56

We co sleep with our ds's 5 and 18 months. Dh moved oldest ds's bed into our bedroom and we have it next to our double bed. Myself and the two children sleep in the double and dh sleeps in the single, it works for us but realise it's not for everybody.

AGnu · 16/10/2014 23:57

We have a double & single bed next to each other to act as a giant bed. Unfortunately, DS1 has always preferred to be left alone to sleep & DS2 rotates 90 degrees to force his pointy little toes between my ribs just as I'm falling asleep. No matter how much I try to wriggle away or rearrange him his toes always dig into me & I end up putting him back in the cot. They don't seem to have received the "babies prefer their parents' bed" memo!

MidnightDinosaur · 17/10/2014 00:01

When we finally got round to buying a new bed, we bought the biggest we could afford for exactly this reason. Both dc (5 1/2 & 4yrs old) both start off the night in their own beds but we usually have one or both with us by the morning time.

We're all happy and not at all "weird or needy"

teenagetantrums · 17/10/2014 00:01

I would say do what you want and what works for your family, my kids were always nightmare co sleepers after the age of one, they slept i didn't, still to this day if I sometimes share a bed with my teenage DD when away I get no sleep as she kicks and talks in her sleep.

Snapespotions · 17/10/2014 00:19

Your going down a very tough road if you let the kids think your bed = their bed. It's a very hard habit to kick.

I often hear this sort of thing, usually from parents who have no experience of co-sleeping. When we co-slept with dd, we had loads of people telling us we would regret it. We don't, and won't.

She is 9 now, and moved into her own bedroom ages ago, entirely of her own accord. We always said it was her decision - for a little while she came and went, and then she just stayed in her own bed every night. No trauma, no tears. Friends who have co-slept have generally had similar experiences.

Personally, I loved co-sleeping and I sometimes miss it now. I believe that it was good for dd too. If other people find it weird, I think that's just their narrow-mindedness. It would have felt more weird to me to put a tiny baby alone in a dark room while I cuddled up to her dad.

Notcontent · 17/10/2014 00:27

It's perfectly natural for children to sleep with their parents and there is nothing weird about it.

Athrawes · 17/10/2014 00:33

I got kicked out of bed last night so that DS (aged 4) could snuggle with Daddy. It has been DHs ambition since he was born that our son could snuggle in with us and has only been vetoed by me, because I couldn't sleep with him as a small baby for fear of smothering etc. Now he is a big robust child I can sleep with him but still prefer to sleep alone. A HUGE bed would certainly help. DS does like his own bed, but mostly for day time "quiet time" with teddy...where he gets naked and...well, boys...

BreadForBrains · 17/10/2014 01:51

I co slept with all 3 of mine until about 6 months (purely through laziness) when it became unbearable. Only so many jabby toes and scrapy fingernails dp and I could take!
It's not so much that I think YABU, but more that I found sleeping with all the dc a pita and a chore. I was more happy to feed when necessary and put back into their cots.
No regrets about the co sleeping, worked out fine in the end, but we were much happier without them in our bed!

Greenrug85 · 17/10/2014 02:47

Feel awful for making them sleep alone?!
Why?! Its perfectly normal to sleep alone and you don't say it bothers them!

Obviously if children want/need to sleep with parents and parents are happy to cosleep, fine, but introducing it out of the blue when they are settled comes across as a bit needy IMO.

JacobJacobson · 17/10/2014 02:58

Snapes - and yet in have a friend who co-slept and trying to get her son into his own room was a torturous and distressing process for them all - in the end they saw a sleep consultant to get advice on how to do it successfully.

JacobJacobson · 17/10/2014 02:59

For the record I'd quite like to not be co-sleeping with my snoring dh right now

Booboostoo · 17/10/2014 03:30

My Japanese friend was explaining a different cultural perspective on this. Their language has a special ideogram for family co-sleeping, it is kind of three lines representing the two parents on the outside, protecting and guiding the child in the middle. Co-sleeping has huge significance as it is supposed to promote social responsibility through the idea that you help others in distress (no mention of independence as a value here). At about 5yo children move out of the parents' bed...but into the grandparents's bed because they should not feel lonely!

JoandMax · 17/10/2014 03:47

If you can get DH on board I would do it!

We bought a huge bed about 18 months ago and it's amazing, DS2 has pretty much always slept with us (started in his own bed, came in with us when we went to bed) and it was much comfier with more space. We can easily fit 3 pillows across the bed with room to spare.

DS1 has never been a fan on co-sleeping, he loves his own bed but does like to come in for morning cuddles.

Co-sleeping is not at all weird or needy, some children need that extra security and will grow out of it in their own time. DS2 is 4.5 and about 6 weeks ago he said he wanted to stay in his bed now as he was a big school boy now. Since then he's been happy going to bed and sleeping all night, he runs in all excited to see us in the morning!! I found it really hard at first as I missed him but I'm really glad we let him decide when he was ready.

Both my children know they are always welcome in our bed at any time of night and we don't intend to change that any time soon

Sylviet · 17/10/2014 04:16

I think it's lovely for children to feel so safe and welcome, sleeping with their closest people by them seems natural and loving.

I do believe the most closely nurtured children are the most well balanced as they get older, too.

Sylviet · 17/10/2014 04:17

Btw, I do completely respect that it's not for everyone, each to their own, etc.

SavoyCabbage · 17/10/2014 05:07

I know a 13 year old who sleeps with his mother. She is a single parent. Actually he's 14.

claraschu · 17/10/2014 05:59

We had a super king mattress on the floor, with an extra single mattress next to it. It was great, and I wish I could revisit that time, but two of mine have flown the nest now.

ProcessYellowC · 17/10/2014 06:32

I don't think it's at all weird, but could be difficult if your DH not there yet. My DS was in and out of our bed at 3, but was tailing off by then and from about 4 stayed put in his own bed - actually the only thing that made me strictly stop him coming and sleeping with us was when he stopped wearing night-time nappies: there were/are still occasional accidents . He was fine with that, and to be honest often I would end up falling asleep in his bed as I put him to bed - His first bed at 17mos was a proper (single) adult bed with sprung mattress, which gave us flexibility to bedshare in the single bed if we wanted to.

Could a compromise for the three of you be a futon/mattress on the floor for your daughter? Maybe even to trial it, while you make a decision or let you and your DH consider? My DS is currently sleeping on this futon in his own room. That's a a whole different barrel of weirdness - it's a compromise because he insisted on sleeping on his beanbag. Thought he'd give up but we're two weeks in!!

I suppose the point of my long-ish post is that rather than just fixing on the huge family bed, is to suggest that being flexible on sleeping arrangements that will chop and change as your family grows up might help. That might make it easier to take your DH along with you - every sleeping arrangement will be temporary and will respond to the needs of the family as appropriate.

CuttedUpPear · 17/10/2014 06:39

Co-sleeping is the norm in a large part of the world.
It has always seemed strange to me that we place such importance on making our children leave our side at night to go and sleep in a room on their own.

We wouldn't expect them to be happy to be out of our sight for eight hours when they were awake in the daytime, why should they be through the darkness of the night?

Callmegeoff · 17/10/2014 06:46

I've never co slept with mine but we do have a super king bed for morning cuddles. My dc's have been offered the occasional sleep with us if they have a bad dream or are poorly but they prefer their own beds.

hels71 · 17/10/2014 06:54

We co slept till dd was 3 when she moved out by her own choice. She does still sometimes come in if she is poorly or had a bad dream and when we camp she always sleeps with me. It's so lovely!!!

DeepPurplish · 17/10/2014 07:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bunbaker · 17/10/2014 07:04

I tried co-sleeping and hated it. I just could not get any sleep. As DD grew older she got more and more fidgety and she still fidgets at 14. I had to share a bed with her in the summer when staying at MIL's and I got hit in the face by flying arms and kicked up the backside, all while she was asleep.

I don't think it is weird to co-sleep, it just isn't for me. I also don't think it is weird to not want to co-sleep either.

OP if your husband isn't on board then don't do it. An acquaintance of mine slept with her three children and her husband was kicked out to the spare room. They are getting divorced now.

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