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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a huge family bed

71 replies

OlderMummy1 · 16/10/2014 22:48

I have a 3yo DD and a 7 month old DS after a long and hard infertility journey. I have always been strict about bedtimes and they have always been good sleepers 7am-7pm now. The last few days my DD has been quite poorly and so has slept with me. I love sleeping with her so much. I love cuddling and kissing her in the night and seeing her as soon as I open my eyes.

I have realised the I would really like a huge family bed for us all to sleep in (and DS too when he is a bit bigger and it is safe). Obviously DH and I could have our own little haven for snuggles and intimate time but then we all sleep together. I wouldn't like to sleep on my own and I feel awful now for making my children sleep on their own. My DD is crying now as she wants to sleep with mummy after her 2 night stay.

DH thinks I have finally lost the plot. Maybe I have. It might be a response to the tough time we as a family are having at the moment and me realising how fleeting life can be

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnish · 17/10/2014 07:52

Given that you have only been doing this for 2 nights, your wish to continue this seems to be more about what you want than what your children need.
Your difficulties in sending your DD to nursery and thinking about school, I think there is clearly more to this than just co-sleeping for the reasons most people do.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 17/10/2014 08:03

We ll be doing out our bedroom soon and we ve realised we won't need to replace our superkingsize bed like for like as it's been a year or so since any of the DS s climbed in for the night. I'd give a barrel of eggs for another go at one of those nights when we all cwtched in together
I agree your dh needs to be ok with it though

SaucyJack · 17/10/2014 08:11

We co-sleep with the baby as she currently will not sleep more than six inches from a bare booby. It wouldn't be my first choice- we're just making the best of the present situation.

Not sure I'd start planning to co-sleep permanently with an otherwise well sleeping three year old after a couple of days of illness tho. I didn't mind the older DCs sneaking in for a cuddle at that age, but having them there all the time would have been too much for all of us.

HamishBamish · 17/10/2014 08:21

We co-slept with both our children up until around 4yo. They both expressed an interest in sleeping in their own beds and we just went with it. The youngest one (4) still comes in occasionally and we don't send him back. He will eventually make a permanent transition on his own terms.

YANBU to want to co-sleep OP, but it has to be a joint decision between you and your DH. There's nothing wrong or odd about co-sleeping, but it either works for you or it doesn't.

An acquaintance of mine slept with her three children and her husband was kicked out to the spare room. They are getting divorced now.

I doubt you can apportion the entire blame to co-sleeping Bunbaker. More likely your friend's marriage wasn't in a good place anyway and she used the co-sleeping arrangement to push her husband away. However, you are right, if one parent isn't supportive of co-sleeping then it's not fair to impose it on them.

littlejohnnydory · 17/10/2014 09:06

I co-slept with my children as babies but tbh I prefer them being in their own beds. It was a practical decision to get more sleep as I was breastfeeding. I never sleep very well with them in our bed. It's also important to me that they feel secure enough to sleep alone - I slept with my mum or gran until I was at secondary school...it's not something I'd want to replicate for my children and rather than making me secure, I never learnt to feel safe by myself. We still get the snuggles in bed in the morning as the children often join us!

CatThiefKeith · 17/10/2014 09:16

Pros and cons for both here. Dh works 3/4 evenings a week and dd (3) loves to sleep in our bed. On the nights dh is working she invariably goes to sleep in our bed, sometimes he will move her into her own, sometimes he just climbs in too. It is a fairly big bed though.

Pros:
Snuggles in the night
Sleeps for longer in the morning

Cons:
No impulsive intimacy
Dd starfishes in the night and I often wake up clinging to the edge of the bed
Not much fun if one of your dc is a bed wetter

Would she understand one 'special' night of the week when she is allowed a sleepover in your bed?

moaningminnie2 · 17/10/2014 09:24

I think it is a terriblke idea.It is all about your wants not their needs

A parent is supposed to gradually encourage independance ,Your DC sleep excellently by themselves, why would you want to take a regressive step ?

And as for your poor DH!!

nokidshere · 17/10/2014 09:28

we co slept with ours until they were 2 and they moved into their own rooms. No drama or fuss and both are excellent sleepers.

In the early days I think its just about everyone getting some proper sleep and so its easier to do whatever promotes that. I cant see why you are only beginning it at 3yrs though when she is already a great sleeper.

19lottie82 · 17/10/2014 09:32

I don't think it would be fair to ahead with this unless your husband is 100% on board also.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 17/10/2014 09:42

My DSs all had their own beds, which they started the night in. Then, if they wanted, they could hop into ours during the night. So I think there is a middle ground. Each gradually kept to their own beds as it suited them. I think that's a good way to encourage independence as well as providing security. Well it worked for us at any rate.

HaroldLloyd · 17/10/2014 09:44

I believe in doing what gets the most amount of sleep for all the humans in the family!

HamishBamish · 17/10/2014 11:06

It is all about your wants not their needs

Really? Care to expand on that moaningminnie? My children are free to come to our bed if they want. I don't influence that at all. If I was to force them to return to their beds when they didn't want to, that would about my wants.

HamishBamish · 17/10/2014 11:09

Apologies, moaningminnie, I see that your post was directed at the OP.

MrsPiggie · 17/10/2014 11:28

DCs (4 and 6) go to bed in their own beds and end up in ours at some point during the night, with me being turfed out. I'd love a huge bed so I don't have to go and sleep somewhere else. A cuddle with the kids in the morning is the best thing ever.

Nelehwelly · 17/10/2014 13:03

" An acquaintance of mine slept with her three children and her husband was kicked out to the spare room. They are getting divorced now."

There were no other issues in the relationship whatsoever? Their marriage broke down purely because of co-sleeping?

KnittedJimmyChoos · 17/10/2014 13:23

Older I really hate how we shove children into bed alone in the UK its simply not like this in other countries.

If you want to sleep with your DD do it.

Each child is different some may have problems going to sleep in their own beds after some nights of co sleeping and some will not have a problem at all.

I also want a huge bed, visions of us all cuddled up on xmas morning opening stocking, the reality is very different.

stealthsquiggle · 17/10/2014 13:31

Each to their own, but it doesn't work for us.

Unless they are ill, our DC will last about 10 minutes in our bed before they head back to their own (their choice). So I would hold off investing in a huge bed for a while, OP - your DD might well take herself back to her own bed soon!

AnathemaIsANiceNameForAGirl · 17/10/2014 13:37

I love bedsharing with the DCs, without a doubt one of the best things I have done as a parent.

Stripylikeatiger · 17/10/2014 13:38

We have a big family bed and me, dp and dc are happy about the arrangement, I couldn't imagine things any other way, but we have always slept together so it's normal for us. I do think it needs to be a joint decision between you and your husband but if he's happy to try it out I think families sleeping together can be a wonderful thing.

CocktailQueen · 17/10/2014 13:46

We have a superking too, and we can all fit in it. If the dc are ill or have a bad dream they come in with us and we all enjoy it (dh sleeps through it). I love my morning cuddles with them both :) Go for it!

Snatchoo · 17/10/2014 14:14

I co-slept with all three of mine. Even now, they sometimes come into the bed in the morning and sometimes in the evening for a bit if they're unwell etc.

But to have them all in the bed all the time? No way. I enjoy my bed far too much to only have about 4 inches of it on a regular basis.

We stopped co-sleeping because the children wriggle and kick far too much for me and DH to get to sleep. It would seem unfair to kick DH out (or for him to kick me out!) so we don't. I don't think we'd choose to even if we had a super-super-kingsize.

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