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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate my partners ex!!!

82 replies

paulalouise92 · 16/10/2014 18:41

To cut a long story short!

They have a child together she always palms this child off with my partners parents as my partner works! She hasn't had him for the past week and Tuesday she came to pick him up she handed my partner a card from their child saying I love my daddy and pictures of my partner and his child on this card!

Now that's not my problem my problem is they are personal photos and she hasn't had her child for a weekso she must of made it without her child being there!

AIBU to hate her purely for the fact she never has her child and does little stunts like this to actually make out she cares!

OP posts:
riverboat1 · 16/10/2014 19:28

I disagree with the 'none of your business' posts, if you have reason to think the kid is actually suffering from lack of contact with his mum and he is in your life and home regularly it is sort of your business by default.

But totally agree that there is nothing you can do about it. Any concerns you have should be raised with your DP and it is his responsibility to do anything he can to make things better for his son.

I dont think it will help anyone at all to decide you 'hate' the mother and are justified in doing so and that's that. Even if it does seem odd that she doesn't work AND doesn't look after her son, could there be something else going on, eg health issues, job hunting, responsibilities to elderly relative, studying?

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 16/10/2014 19:30

Do you know her well op ? Do you know she goes out drinking or do you assume or listen to gossip? Either way, if its true its probably due to her being unhappy. She is probably trying her best. The split was not that long ago. He's settled with someone (who may or may not be the ow) already which must hurt and i think a lot of people wouldn't be so civil (making the card was lovely) in her situation.

jackydanny · 16/10/2014 19:31

Even if the fathers side have him 90% of the time, it is nothing to do with you.

If you want the relationship, back off.
Keep holding your hand out to this little boy and do not slag his mother off. Ever.

Original poster
paulalouise92 · 16/10/2014 19:32

Yes I totally understand and he is well looked after with us and grandparents he never goes without and we always always make him feel welcome loved ect! He gets on so well with my daughter!

No she does absolutely nothing at all which is why I don't understand!

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 16/10/2014 19:33

Yes. At least his daddy and his GP's are constants in his little life. That's laudable. TBF you've presumably only been on the scene a few months, way too soon to be stocking your oar into the child's arrangements.

Original poster
paulalouise92 · 16/10/2014 19:33

She cheated on my current partner with the partner she is with now! Yes I do know her so it's not someone ive listened to and just assumed! Either way I've taken all of your comments on board and thank you all

OP posts:
Nelehwelly · 16/10/2014 19:33

Reading between the lines (and the many, many exclamation marks) it seems like you've got some 'I'm a better mother than you are' competition going on in your head here, which I'd guess us a projection if general insecurity where this woman is concerned: she was with your partner before you were, she's the mother of his first child, you're threatened and looking for reasons to judge her as a less good mother (/woman) than you are.

Did she leave him and you're worried that if she wanted him back he'd go?

ApocalypseThen · 16/10/2014 19:34

The beauty of it is, it's nothing to do with you, so there's no requirement for you to understand. She's not answerable to you, nor does she have any reason to seek your approval.

HarlowEver · 16/10/2014 19:35

I forgot to add my partner has his son at the grandparents house on mon weds and fri as we quite some distance and his parents get to see the child also

I'm confused. Your partners nights are mon, wed and fri, but the child stays at his grandparents?

The reason being so they get to see him? Yet he's always palmed off on them by the ex?

[comfused]

Nelehwelly · 16/10/2014 19:35

Oh, cross posted, I see she cheated on him. Are you worried that he's not over her?

ArsenicChaseScream · 16/10/2014 19:36

You have only been in this relationship for a few months. Maybe you don't have as full a picture as you think. Maybe this is a transitional stage. 'Maybe' many things...

Rebecca2014 · 16/10/2014 19:36

Is this any of your business? yes it is sad for the little boy his mum doesn't bother much with him but maybe in the future, they have a better relationship.

Original poster
paulalouise92 · 16/10/2014 19:37

Oh no I'm not worried at all he would go back to her

As I've said before I just don't see why she wouldn't want to spend time with him but you guys are right it's none of my business and i Abu

OP posts:
TheHouseatWhoCorner · 16/10/2014 19:40

Dont hate her. Just enjoy the time you have with the lad and be grateful on his behalf that he has such lovely grandparents.
Maybe she's struggling to adjust to being lone parent and resents your apparently happy family unit.
Give her time.

ADishBestEatenCold · 16/10/2014 19:40

"They broke up start of the year"

So they separated less that ten months ago?

That tends to be a period of time when emotions are running high and it can often take much longer than that to get contact sorted out, regularised and into a working pattern. How old is the child?

So when did you and he get together, then? After they broke up? Which would mean a lot less than a year?

Yet you are already living together and you are judging her parenting.

I think you are being entirely unreasonable in resenting the card she handed her child's father from their child, but ... sorry ... I suspect you ABU about quite a lot here.

You sound very worked up about this.

needyoumorethanwantyou · 16/10/2014 19:41

You are using very emotive language and are likely to be very flamed by MN!.

You are in a very new relationship and currently, it is not involving you and therefore not your business. I am saying this entirely dispassionately as I have never been in a relationship with children from previous partners.

You are hearing/seeing the situation from the perspective of your boyfriend and his family. The Mother of his children may in fact be the bitch from hell but you do not know her, or her circumstances well enough to judge this.

I don't mean to sound brutal but currently, it is not your place to be involved or to judge her in any way. Step back and concentrate on your relationship with your boyfriend. His children are HIS concern and not yours at all.

TheMagicChicken · 16/10/2014 19:41

'palm off' to grandparents? What a novel take on the extended family

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/10/2014 19:46

It's going to cease being any kind of issue for you or your partner soon, OP, because you are going out of your way to become an 'ex'.

It's absolutely none of your business and, if his ex can remotely manage to make you and your partner argue then you're relationship is already more difficult than it should be in the early stages.

I think this is all about your envy of grandparents' love for the child, willingness to do childcare and the fact that they are parents TOGETHER. They always will be parents together no matter who is in his life so you either come to terms with that or you don't. They are parents together. If your ex isn't a good ex and you don't have a relationship with him then that should be your focus - not your partner, his parents and his ex and their child.

IcingandSlicing · 16/10/2014 19:50

You said you have a daughter - then as a mother you probably know how difficult it is to have a life and care for a child - even more if you are a lone parent.
Do you fear she and her child are taking something from you that you have a right on?
Does your child get less time with your partner's parents because of her child?
Anyway, for the grandparents the child is always going to be their own grandchild, so they have all the right to spend as much time with him as they like, even if it is every day.
Wouldn't you do the same if you were in their shoes?

WannaBe · 16/10/2014 19:52

what is it he sees in you? Hmm

What your partner's ex does with their child on her time is frankly none of your business. And you sound incredibly unpleasant, and your over use of exclamation marks just ad to that vibe...

KneeQuestion · 16/10/2014 19:59

Im also confused as to why your boyfriend spends his nights with his child at his parents house?

You said he has his child every other weekend, but also say he is at your house every weekend.

When does your boyfriend actually spend time with his child without you or the grandparents being there? Sounds like a fair bit of 'palming off' on his side.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 16/10/2014 20:06

I'm wonder the same as knee, when does the father have his child on his own?

And as for 'I don't understand why she doesn't want to spend any time with him', why do you think him spending time at his grandparents house means she doesn't want to spend any time with him? That's a big jumpy opinion you have there. Maybe she understands the importance of family and wants her son to have as much contact as he can?

LineRunner · 16/10/2014 20:16

OP, you sound very insecure. You just do. And being so judgemental isn't good for your own psyche, honestly.

Be glad this child has people who are caring and giving.

zeezeek · 16/10/2014 21:43

There does seem to be a rule on here that the new partner is always in the wrong, even when it sounds like the exW is negligent.

WooWooOwl · 16/10/2014 21:52

The ex may well be doing a shit job at parenting, but as long as the child is safe and being looked after, it doesn't really matter whether you understand the mother or not.

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