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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

should i be upset?

51 replies

Boofsandboss · 16/10/2014 17:11

my partners sister asked me to be a bridesmaid last year, they are getting married next june. I just found out im pregnant and will be due about 3 weeks before there wedding but now they have said in a nice way that basically they dont want me to be a bridesmaid because im pregnant and i wont have lost the weight for the wedding. me being me said im fine with it but its really upset me. am i wrong to be upset, they still want me to be apart of the wedding but not a bridesmaid!!

OP posts:

ElliotLovesGrub · 16/10/2014 17:13

I mean this nicely but won't you have something way more exciting and important to be focusing on around then?

CedricBloomer · 16/10/2014 17:13

Yanbu! That is shitty of them.

cherrybombxo · 16/10/2014 17:15

That's horrible! I'd expect someone to maybe spin it in a "caring" way, such as "you'll be too tired to be on your feet all day" but to come out and say you'll be big in the photos is awful! You'll be gorgeous and it's a time that people should want to remember!

MrsMinton · 16/10/2014 17:15

I would be upset and I think that's not very nice of them personally. It shouldn't be about how your bridesmaids look, but about who you want by your side to share your day and help you get ready.

LadyLuck10 · 16/10/2014 17:16

Yabu, it's really up to them. Besides it would make you a very unreliable bridesmaid as you would have just had a baby and might not be able to commit around that time.

EmbarrassedPossessed · 16/10/2014 17:16

Yes you should be upset if the actual reason they don't want you to be a bridesmaid now is because you might not be a stick insect because you may have just given birth! That's a ridiculous reason. Is she normally so concerned about appearances over peoples' feelings?

As an aside, my baby was nearly 2 weeks overdue, and then we were in hospital for another week, so wouldn't have made an event 3 weeks after my due date.

JubJubBirds · 16/10/2014 17:17

YANBU to feel upset at all, that's so hurtful.
But like Elliot said, try focus on your rather exciting lovely news instead of them.

cherrybombxo · 16/10/2014 17:17

Ohhh three weeks BEFORE, sorry, I read it as three weeks after. Ignore all comments made by me!

That's even worse, actually. I thought it was because you'd be heavily pregnant but this is even more nasty.

ArabellaTarantella · 16/10/2014 17:17

So if you go 2 weeks over, how would that fit in - I'm sure you wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid 1 week after giving birth? Also, unless you are clairvoyant, how will you know what dress size you will be?

AccidentallyInLove · 16/10/2014 17:18

She may have meant that it will be difficult in terms of dress fittings as they won't have a correct measurement.
I've been bridesmaid and a bride 4 times in the last year... Being a bm isn't that much fun! You can enjoy the day without any pressure.

BuilderMammy · 16/10/2014 17:18

That's awfully shallow of them but I agree that you won't really care by then, you'll be way too distracted.

iggymama · 16/10/2014 17:18

Personally, I would much prefer a day of newborn snuggles than bridesmaid duties.

If you had gone ahead, you may have found it quite stressful on the day to apart from your baby.

DishwasherDogs · 16/10/2014 17:19

Are you sure it's because you won't have lost weight by then?

I would have thought it more likely to be that realistically you are likely to be unreliable. The baby may be two weeks late, you may need a CS, you might not be up to going to the wedding in an official capacity.

ArabellaTarantella · 16/10/2014 17:19

cherrybombxo - WHERE does it say anything about photos?

coughdrops · 16/10/2014 17:20

Have they actually said that it's because you won't have lost weight? Maybe they meant that you won't have the time to commit, or they don't want you to feel under pressure. If you go over, your baby will be really tiny, and you'll have more important things to focus on.

Also from the bride's pov, she might prefer having BMs that will be more available up to the day. I am sure you won't want to be worrying about wedding stuff while waiting for baby to arrive.

Or they could just be hateful fecks!

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 16/10/2014 17:21

The way they have worded it is not very nice, and I can see why it upset you. But to be honest I don't think I would want to be a bridesmaid straight after giving birth. You will have a new baby to coo over and cuddle for the weeks running up to their big day - much more fun than having to dash off to deal with dress problems, catering issues, bride tantrums etc.
I think however badly worded she did it, the bride has done you a favour. You are not being unreasonable to feel hurt about how she did it, but honestly the last thing you will want to do when you have a new baby is deal with wedding woes.
This way you will get to enjoy all the good bits of the wedding, and enjoy the first weeks of your new bundle.

coughdrops · 16/10/2014 17:22

X post DishwasherDogs

Ticktockblock · 16/10/2014 17:23

I actually think that this is fine, you could go 2 weeks overdue and your baby may just be one week old. I actually think it's better that they have been upfront about it.

KnackeredMuchly · 16/10/2014 17:24

I think they're not being unreasonable to ask you to not be a bridesmaid. No offence but you have new priorities so you wont make a good one!!

I doubt they said your weight? Dobyou think she said as part of her reasonibg that it will be difficult for you to get your dress fitted? Because it will be!! You've no idea your size and shape 3 weeks post birth

LadyLuck10 · 16/10/2014 17:24

Op I don't think you should take it personally. Realistically, how would you know if you would fit into your dress so close to the wedding. That's more stressful for the bride actually.
Attend as a guest, and know that you can go home quickly to your new baby. Actually she has done you a favour.

cherrybombxo · 16/10/2014 17:24

ArabellaTarantella Please read my second message. I misread the OP as the baby being due three weeks after the wedding, rather than three weeks before.

When OP said "basically they dont want me to be a bridesmaid because im pregnant and i wont have lost the weight for the wedding" I was picturing her as being heavily pregnant. I've known brides like this before and it was always because of the photos.

I apologised for my mistake in my previous post.

Only1scoop · 16/10/2014 17:27

Blimey count yourself lucky....couldn't think of anything more nauseating than having to faff around

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 16/10/2014 17:28

I agree that, actually not having this commitment hanging over you is a really good thing.

If that's their reason, then it's shit. But if it's to make your life easier, then it's a great idea.

WooWooOwl · 16/10/2014 17:28

Being a bridesmaid will be a lot of pressure to have on you in the late stages of pregnancy and in the early days of having a newborn, and I can understand why it would make things incredibly difficult for the bride to sort out a dress that will fit you and that you'll feel comfortable in.

The bride deserves to have her bridesmaids focused other on her wedding day, and there's just no way you'll be able to do that. First babies are often late, you could have only just been discharged from hospital on the wedding day for all you know now.

Honestly, the bride has done you a favour.

maddy68 · 16/10/2014 17:29

It's really tricky with dress fittings leading up to it. I understanding it to be honest.

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