Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

should i be upset?

51 replies

Boofsandboss · 16/10/2014 17:11

my partners sister asked me to be a bridesmaid last year, they are getting married next june. I just found out im pregnant and will be due about 3 weeks before there wedding but now they have said in a nice way that basically they dont want me to be a bridesmaid because im pregnant and i wont have lost the weight for the wedding. me being me said im fine with it but its really upset me. am i wrong to be upset, they still want me to be apart of the wedding but not a bridesmaid!!

OP posts:

Bambalam · 16/10/2014 17:31

Boofs is this your first baby? I very much doubt you'll want to be a bridesmaid 3 weeks after your baby is born. Or one week after if you go overdue. If you plan to breastfeed and your baby is anything like mine, you'll be needing to feed so often and for so long, it's just added hassle to be a BM too.

I wonder if you're paraphrasing what they've said about losing the baby weight so it sounds worse than they intended. I suspect they feel they've done you a favour by removing the pressure from you. I think the couple would BmoreU if they STILL expected you to do BM duties so soon after having your baby.

And congratulations on your pregnancy

Sabrinnnnnnnna · 16/10/2014 17:39

I can almost guarantee you will not want to be a bridesmaid when you have a 3 week old (or even a 1 week old if baby's late!).

Yanbu to feel upset though - they were really harsh, they could have put it far more diplomatically.

WorraLiberty · 16/10/2014 17:45

Sorry but I can't believe it's the weight they're talking about

More the fact you may have a new born of about a week old, so you're not going to be dependable....not even with the best will in the world.

PicaK · 16/10/2014 17:51

Did they actually mention weight or is this your interpretation? They are being very sensible taking the pressure away from you.

WorraLiberty · 16/10/2014 17:53

Not only that, but where would you even begin with the dress fitting side of it?

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 16/10/2014 17:54

If the wedding is three weeks after your due date you could easily have had the baby only one week before the wedding (and if that and a c-section you might have only been out of hospital for a couple of days. You'll be bleeding, possibly heavily. You may have stitches in places you'd much rather not have stitches. If you're breastfeeding you'll probably be leaking milk. You'll be short of sleep and quite possibly a big hormonal mess.

So there are probably at least a dozen reasons why being a bridesmaid three weeks after your EDD is a really bad idea.

That your SIL chose to go instead with "you'll be too fat" is breathtaking.

MammaTJ · 16/10/2014 17:56

I think they are trying to avoid a situation where you feel under pressure to be bridesmaid at a time when it is the last thing you will want to do.

If you make it to the wedding, you will be doing really well.

They should have been a little more tactful about it.

Rafflesway · 16/10/2014 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perrinelli · 16/10/2014 18:02

I think whatever reason they've given, the outcome is a good one - your baby could be overdue and you might be glad not to have the stress of having to be up the front in a bridesmaids dress when you've got a very very tiny baby.

WorraLiberty · 16/10/2014 18:08

That your SIL chose to go instead with "you'll be too fat" is breathtaking.

She didn't.

It's right there in the OP that they said in a nice way, the OP won't have lost the weight by the wedding day.

If you're concerned about last minute dress fittings (as any bride and groom would be) then it's quite likely to be a problem isn't it?

Many women's waists decrease rapidly during the week or two after the birth, so it would be nearly impossible to sort the fitting out.

DoJo · 16/10/2014 18:10

And if they did specifically mention your weight, are you sure it wasn't because they were concerned that your dress wouldn't fit, or would need last minute alterations which would be REALLY tricky to organise a week before a wedding with a bridesmaid who might be breastfeeding a week-old baby every 8 seconds? If they think enough of you to want you to be a part of their day, it sounds very odd that they would ditch you because of post baby weight!

EvilEmperorZurg · 16/10/2014 18:13

But what if you go two weeks over?? How will you be any help to the bride with a 1-3 week old??
I think YABU.

Straitjacket · 16/10/2014 18:46

I had a wedding to go to 11 days after DS2 was born. I wasn't fit for anything other than sitting there not budging and smiling at others brooding over him!

Even though I had a natural birth, I had a second degree tear. Sitting was uncomfortable and when I walked, I looked like I had been riding a horse for over a decade! I ended up leaking blood on my white skirt, and my boobs were leaking so much, I was having to keep changing my breast pads every 10 minutes or so! And although I barely saw DS that day as everyone kept nicking him, I was still very uncomfortable and wished I hadn't gone. But DP was an Usher and I didn't fancy being stuck at home on my own.

Trust me, on the day, you will be glad that you aren't a bridesmaid. Especially if you tear, need a c section or go overdue.

I can understand that it has upset you, especially if it is mainly because they are worried about your weight and not to do with the dress (which I think is most likely to be the latter). But I understand where they are coming from, too, if it is the latter. My sister in law to be got pregnant, and she is one of my bridesmaids. She would of had the baby shortly before the wedding and it was causing a right headache trying to find a dress they all liked and she would fit into on the day. Plus bridal shops like to order the dresses in 3 months before the big day, and she would of been heavily pregnant. How on earth could we guess what size she would be? We couldn't. But we had to postpone anyway, so it worked out in the end. So long as she doesn't go getting pregnant again! I think I will cry if she does lol.

Chin up, try not to take it to heart. And congratulations on your pregnancy!

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 16/10/2014 18:53

The subtleties of "you'll be too fat" vs. "you won't have lost the weight yet" are beyond me.

And as for "any bride and groom" -- I think there are many brides and grooms who, faced with a bridesmaid they really wanted but who would be of uncertain dimensions on the wedding day, would go with an empire line style that doesn't rely on being highly fitted. I know I would have done. I'd also have assumed that no one would realistically want to be a bridesmaid three weeks after EDD, and would probably have had a "look, are you sure this isn't going to be too much for you?" conversation, but the thought of making it all hinge on the bridesmaid's dress would never have occurred to me. The dresses would be the least of anyone's problems.

gobbynorthernbird · 16/10/2014 19:09

Tortoise, I know two women who were both a pre-pregnancy size 12. One was an 8 within a few weeks of giving birth, the other was an 18. I was back in my normal size, except for the enormous bosom. There was no way any of us could've worn even a non-fitted dress that had been bought in a guessed size.

poolomoomon · 16/10/2014 19:09

The dress fitting would be an issue. It's impossible to know right now what size you will be 1-6 weeks after giving birth. I can imagine that would cause a lot of stress. Also as other posters have pointed out, how reliable are you going to be with a newborn baby?

I honestly think you've got off lightly, you might even get out of going to the wedding all together which would be a relief for me .

Congratulations btw . I don't think they meant to be nasty, it's probably the stress of the dress and worrying you will have to drop out of BM duties at the last minute and leave them in the lurch.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 16/10/2014 19:21

But if the bride WANTS to make it work she could. Get a dressmaker to make the dresses instead of buying from a retailer, and leave the pregnant bridesmaid's dress until last. By 38 weeks or so (so 5 weeks before the wedding) you'll have a good idea of how much weight the bridesmaid has put on aven though you don't yet know how much she's going to have taken off again (unless you're telling me that your size 8 friend and your size 18 friend were both the same size at 38 weeks pregnant). That leaves plenty of time to make the dress, and a competent dressmaker can adapt construction techniques to make it easier to adjust the fit quickly at short notice if necessary (for example, sew the whole back of the dress in one and the whole front of the dress in one and then join the two at the sides, rather than sewing the bodice as a whole and then attaching to the skirt -- and do the same with the lining).

It all depends on where the priorities are (although, as I said, I'd be amazed if someone actually wanted to be a bridesmaid at 1-3 weeks pp, so I find it hard to imagine actually having to do all that. But from a practical point of view it'd be perfectly possible in most cases (and if you shop around dressmakers aren't that expensive)).

wantstolickwilliamgraham · 16/10/2014 19:23

Did they mention your weight or are you thinking it's that? My friend asked her sister to no longer be bridesmaid when she was due a month before. She knew her sister felt obliged and would go above and beyond but she also knew she'd need to rest (elective c-section) and need bonding and family time. She didn't want to risk her future niece.

If they said it's because of the weight then that's horrible. What kind of dresses are these?

WorraLiberty · 16/10/2014 20:05

It's a lot of fucking about though Tortoise. That wasn't what the bride to be 'signed up for' when she asked the OP to be bridesmaid.

They still want her to be part of the wedding, but I don't think they can be blamed for not wanting all that hassle during one of the busiest weeks of their lives.

LuluJakey1 · 16/10/2014 21:26

Doesn't sound like they have been very sensitive about it but I think you'll be glad in the end.

It'll be a lot of fuss and faffing on and instead you will be able to give your attention to your lovely baby- which is exactly what you will want to do.

CheeseAndBeans · 16/10/2014 22:33

YANBU to be upset with the reason given, was harsh. However, can understand that it could be difficult, as others said if you go over you might not even be able to be there!
I personally can't think of anything worse than being a bridesmaid just after giving birth, all that hassle.
Fingers crossed baby will arrive in good time and you can go to the wedding as a guest, with your baby and relax and enjoy yourself, well, relax as much as you can do with a newborn!!

AudTheDeepMinded · 16/10/2014 22:45

Have you any direct experience of caring for newborns? Some are very sleepy and look cute asleep for ours on end. Others scream and scream and scream and vomit and poo and scream some more. What ever reason they have given you, trust me, they have potentially let you off of a very large hook!
If you have a dream baby and feel physically up to it you can spend the day stealing a tiny bit of thunder, if not you have full license to go for the ceremony and then escape or maybe even just stay at home in your pjs.

AudTheDeepMinded · 16/10/2014 22:47

and btw congratulations! Hope you get the dream baby.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 16/10/2014 22:49

I think op feels she is being punished for being pregnant and having a baby, she wanted to be a bridesmaid.

its really her own call on whether to still be one or not, to offer then take away is a little rude.

however I am averse to weddings that are now like factory converyor belts.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 16/10/2014 22:51

It would have been far far more kind and diplomatic to say " we are thrilled your pregnant but if you feel you cant do it anymore your not letting us down, we totally understand let us know"

Flip

1 2 3