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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my friend would stop going on about instantly bonding with her dc?

61 replies

Sleepswithbutterflies · 15/10/2014 21:02

I probably am but I wish she'd be a little more sensitive.

I had my ds five years ago and had a terrible fraught pregnancy and a bad delivery which left me unable to have more children so no second chances for me. I had pnd and really struggled to bond with ds. I cared for him but he didnt feel like mine for ages and I certainly never adored him or felt much for him for a really long time.
Friend knows this, she knows how upset I was at the time and actually more upset since because I can't have more children so I will never get that fantastic baby experience of which she speaks and also because now that I do love ds I feel like I let him down rather badly.

Her dc is six months old and I've had months of how there's no love like a mother's love, how she adored him as soon as she saw him, how he's so fantastic, how perfect he is, how she can't believe she loves someone so much etc etc. obviously all lovely for her and on one hand I'm pleased for her but on the other I kind of wish she'd just tone it down a little. Because selfishly it's making me feel even more inferior, no I don't know how that feels, no I didn't think ds was perfect, I was at best ambivalent for a good twelve months. She keeps saying "I can't wait to have another one now I know how lovely it all is." And "he's so perfect I want another just like him!" She's had loads of photos printed with things like "we wanted an angel and god sent us you" printed on them.

Aibu to wish she'd just be a teeny bit more sensitive about the fact that a) I can't have another one and b) that I didn't have the same experience as her. Or am I just being selfish and yes, a teeny bit jealous?

OP posts:
SaucyMare · 15/10/2014 21:06

took me ages to get the "instant" feeling your friend is on about, i fully understand it makes you feel bad.
But you love your children just as much as she does.

Flexibilityisquay · 15/10/2014 21:07

YANBU. Might be worth pointing out to her that you didn't have the same experience, and what she is saying is hurtful.

loveableshoulder · 15/10/2014 21:07

Yanbu. So sorry to hear about your dreadful experience Thanks

Original poster
Sleepswithbutterflies · 15/10/2014 21:08

I do - it makes me feel inferior though which I know isn't get fault.
It makes me feel sorry for ds too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepswithbutterflies · 15/10/2014 21:08

Isn't her fault

OP posts:
ProfessorPickles · 15/10/2014 21:08

To me she sounds incredibly insensitive, she knows you didn't bond but keeps mentioning how her and her baby have bonded, and she keeps banging on about how she can't wait to have more knowing you never can.

When DS was born I never once mentioned our "wonderful bond" like she has, it seems very over the top!
And if I know I'm speaking to someone who is unable to have children or is struggling to conceive I don't mention the fact I want more children, I just don't talk about it!

I find it very strange that she keeps mentioning it, yes she's allowed to be overjoyed but this seems way over the top Confused

Sylviet · 15/10/2014 21:10

She's very very overjoyed and hopes you will put your own negative experiences to one side whilst rejoicing in your friends happiness.

I doubt it occurs to her that you would wish her to stifle her joy.

Only1scoop · 15/10/2014 21:10

Yanbu....

She knows you have had a struggle and should be more sensitive....

Nothing more boring than hearing others harping on about this kind of thing either..... Ignore

Flexibilityisquay · 15/10/2014 21:11

Thinking about it, it does sound over the top. Do you think all is as rosy as she is suggesting?

OfficeNewGirl · 15/10/2014 21:12

Do you think she is enjoying doing this?

I dont know anyone that talks like this

Original poster
Sleepswithbutterflies · 15/10/2014 21:12

I don't wish to stifle her joy.
Otoh I'd like to think that were the situations reversed I'd be a little more sensitive. Particularly about the fact that I can never have anymore children.

OP posts:
browneyedgirl86 · 15/10/2014 21:14

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It's lovely that your friend is having a great experience with her baby. But not everyone has that experience. I think your friend could be a little bit more sensitive to you. I'm not saying she should cover up all her thoughts but it does sound a bit ott on your friends part.

TreeMugger · 15/10/2014 21:15

Yanbu. I'm sorry you had such a tough time. I have two dd's, I bonded with the first instantly the way your friend has but I didn't have the same feeling with dd2. It took me ages to feel that she was really mine (I was also convinced that there was something really wrong with her that everyone was missing. There wasn't!). My dds are 6 and 4 now and I love them both hugely and equally. They also both do my head in in equal measure Grin. Your friend doesn't love her dc more than you love yours and you definitely haven't let your son down.

DoJo · 15/10/2014 21:16

It's tricky - in some ways I think she might be trying to be 'normal' and not dancing around censoring herself and treating you differently based on your experiences, which I can kind of understand. However, there is absolutely no need to bang on about this to such an extent regardless of their own experiences and I would find it cringeworthy even without your history. Is she usually thoughtless? Do you feel as though you could have an honest conversation with her about it and ask her to maybe tone it down a bit? Or is it possible that she is 'faking it till she makes it' and going on about it so much because she actually doesn't feel like that and is trying to paper over the cracks with some over enthusiastic chatter about her love?

TiggerLillies · 15/10/2014 21:16

I'm also thinking over the top, maybe she is over compensating?

Original poster
Sleepswithbutterflies · 15/10/2014 21:17

I hate feeling jealous...
She keeps saying what a special precious time it is and I just feel so sad and cheated that I will never ever have that. I wasted my special previous time and I won't get another chance at it and nor will my ds.
Appreciate that's not my friend's fault but listening to her go on makes me feel sadder.

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 15/10/2014 21:19

I think I am just cynical - because my immediate thought is "methinks she protests too much".

fairylightsintheloft · 15/10/2014 21:19

Sorry but 'stifling her joy' Hmm ffs all that 'angel' crap is sickly sweet and ott at the best of time. Most of us love our kids - its possible to do that without making everyone overly aware of it all the time. None of us can expect all our friends to be mindful 100% of the time but equally if she is aware of what you went through, yes she should rein it in.

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 15/10/2014 21:19

I also had PND and really struggled to bond with my first son. It did make me feel sad and guilty when friends would gush about overwhelming love etc. I didn't ever say anything, although I might have done if they had been as persistent as your friend! I just had a good cry to DH and reminded myself that they were fortunate to have had such a positive experience.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/10/2014 21:20

She sounds irritating and dull, certainly insensitive given your experiences.

Wilf83 · 15/10/2014 21:20

If its her first dc maybe it's just dawned on her how joyous becoming a mother can be & is so in love with her dc that she just isn't thinking about anything (including you & your issues) at this time. Maybe remind her that you wished you had had the same experience & won't be able to have it. It may dawn on her that she has been abit insensitive & rein in it around you. But I don't think she is doing anything intentional to hurt you.

Original poster
Sleepswithbutterflies · 15/10/2014 21:21

I would probably feel less sad if I could have more children...I feel like it would be different second time round although I will never know.

When she said 'now I know how lovely it all is I can't wait to do it again' it broke my heart.

OP posts:
fairylightsintheloft · 15/10/2014 21:22

Oh and op, I had a nastyish birth ending in cs (both times) and don't really get this bonding thing. I love my two for the people they are at 5&3 -as babies I didnt really get it...doesn't make you less of a mum x

Finola1step · 15/10/2014 21:24

I think her gushing may be her way of trying to convince herself that all is well. It could be a good idea to keep a close eye on her for the time being.

Finola1step · 15/10/2014 21:25

Or she might just be an insensitive wotsit.

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