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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish my friend would stop going on about instantly bonding with her dc?

61 replies

Sleepswithbutterflies · 15/10/2014 21:02

I probably am but I wish she'd be a little more sensitive.

I had my ds five years ago and had a terrible fraught pregnancy and a bad delivery which left me unable to have more children so no second chances for me. I had pnd and really struggled to bond with ds. I cared for him but he didnt feel like mine for ages and I certainly never adored him or felt much for him for a really long time.
Friend knows this, she knows how upset I was at the time and actually more upset since because I can't have more children so I will never get that fantastic baby experience of which she speaks and also because now that I do love ds I feel like I let him down rather badly.

Her dc is six months old and I've had months of how there's no love like a mother's love, how she adored him as soon as she saw him, how he's so fantastic, how perfect he is, how she can't believe she loves someone so much etc etc. obviously all lovely for her and on one hand I'm pleased for her but on the other I kind of wish she'd just tone it down a little. Because selfishly it's making me feel even more inferior, no I don't know how that feels, no I didn't think ds was perfect, I was at best ambivalent for a good twelve months. She keeps saying "I can't wait to have another one now I know how lovely it all is." And "he's so perfect I want another just like him!" She's had loads of photos printed with things like "we wanted an angel and god sent us you" printed on them.

Aibu to wish she'd just be a teeny bit more sensitive about the fact that a) I can't have another one and b) that I didn't have the same experience as her. Or am I just being selfish and yes, a teeny bit jealous?

OP posts:

Fedupofplaystation · 15/10/2014 21:25

I had an experience similar to yours with awful PND and did not 'love' DD until she was older.
DD is nearly 3 and I now feel we have a really close bond and I adore her.
I think some women bond sooner than others and I don't feel upset when others are expressing deep love for their tiny babies and may say something like "I know what you mean, I can't imagine loving anyone as much as DD. I wish I'd felt it as soon as you, but had awful PND..." I've been surprised how many women have admitted to not instantly bonding, once I've gone first.
I am sceptical about the ones who bleat on quite so much about adoring small babies and wonder what it's really like behind closed doors, but that may be just because their experience is so far from my own.
Anyway, please don't let it get you down and don't worry about the time in your life that your DS won't even remember x

WellnowImFucked · 15/10/2014 21:25

Honestly, I'd be a bit concerned, it sound a bit like she's trying to convince herself. . .

ithoughtofitfirst · 15/10/2014 21:26

My friend did this when i had pnd. We had her babies at the same time. I just used to tell myself that she was full of shit because if she felt a bond that amazing she'd be too busy just enjoying it to go on about it at every opportunity.

Ignore it.

Momagain1 · 15/10/2014 21:26

She sounds pretty insecure to me, actually. Bonding isnt something to brag about.

TarkaTheOtter · 15/10/2014 21:27

Don't get stuck thinking too much about that newborn bit. It's inconsequential in the grand scheme of your child's upbringing. Your friend doesn't know that yet because her baby is so little. Just roll your eyes at her when she starts on about bonding. It's just hormones. Once they get a proper personality, that's when the real connection starts IMO.

Only1scoop · 15/10/2014 21:28

Then don't be afraid to gently say that to her. I think she's extremely insensitive if she knows your position....

To be honest I spent so long faffing around with routines and dettox and this and that that I feel a slight sadness knowing she's my one and only....and that's without any pnd or any of the horrific birth experience you had....

Be gently direct....

Blimey she sounds dull

RainbowRabbit33 · 15/10/2014 21:28

Nothing really to add, just wanted to thank the op for raising this and the experiences given by others. DD is three months and I never felt that instant overwhelming feeling. She was, and still is to an extent, a small blob that I need to tend to. Now she's a bit bigger, I would describe my feelings toward her as 'quite fond'. Unfortunately, the whole of DH's family are very overtly emotional, love babies and believe the reason they are on God's earth (their words) is to raise and adore children. The guilt trips and thoughtless comments are endless and at times very, very hurtful.

ithoughtofitfirst · 15/10/2014 21:29

So true tarka

Fedupofplaystation · 15/10/2014 21:32

I wasted my special previous time and I won't get another chance at it and nor will my ds.

You will. Not the newborn stage, but many women find that crappy anyway and the baby won't remember.
You do have the chance to have special experiences with your DS everyday. The newborn stage really isn't that important in the grand scheme of parenting. There is so much more to it x

starlight1234 · 15/10/2014 21:33

I am one who do very much bond with DS. I have a friend whose DS is only a month younger than my son. She suffered terrible PND. I certainly don't think she is inferior in any way. In fact I respect the fact the first few months were considerably harder for her than me.

You certainly are not inferior nor she feel so

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 15/10/2014 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

schroedingersdodo · 15/10/2014 21:37

I'm always a bit concerned about these mothers who are soooooooo over the top. The whole "there is no love like that" "OMG what a huge love" on facebook sounds a little sad to me. Like they're trying to convince themselves - desperately.

You just have to read a bit of MN to see that people fall in love with their babies in different ways and in their own time (in my case, it was a gradual process. I was happy when they were born, and very protective - but this huge, immeasurable love came bit by bit, as I got to know them).

Your friend sounds a bit silly and insensitive, but maybe she is struggling as well. Some people put a big act when they have a problem.

I think I would just tell her that her comments are insensitive (some PP put it better than me) and cut her some slack. She wouldn't be so over the top if she was ok with herself.

IrenetheQuaint · 15/10/2014 21:37

"we wanted an angel and god sent us you"

CornChips · 15/10/2014 21:39

I am thinking she might be over compensating also. I had pretty bad pnd, which i was in denial about. It did not help that I took my DS on a long haul trip alone when he was 3 months old that was really really bad. And a friend of ours who had a child a few months older took her DD on a short haul flight that apparently went well and - knowing my experience- still waxed lyrical about how easy it was to fly with small babies and that people who found it hard were simply disorganised, and inadequate. I was furious, distraught, and felt horrendous and thought she as having a massive dig.

Turns out, that she was about to descend into an even deeper and more prolonged PND than I could even fear, and was really trying to convince herself.

It i 4 years later. I am doing okay, my friend has been hosptalised several times. I had absolutely no idea that things were so so bad for her, and really had resented her very badly. Her words were a front, and she was in a pretty bad way. I then was in no position to understand that. Your friend reminds me of this really.

I am possibly projecting though. Just your post reminded me of how I felt, and how the reality for my friend was so different from what I realised.

VeryLittleGravitasIndeed · 15/10/2014 21:41

I think the pressure on mothers to say and feel the "right" thing is terrible. We all come to parenting in our own way. I didn't love DD until she was 5 or 6 months old. I quite liked her, and I felt quite attached to her, but no lightning bolt. No one I say this to will believe I didn't have PND but I honestly just found her a bit dull and tiring.

OP you have one lovely DS, it doesn't matter now how you felt about him then. And your friend is being insensitive, not everyone wants to listen to baby gushing.

ithoughtofitfirst · 15/10/2014 21:42

Vomonthehighstreet

ThisFenceIsComfy · 15/10/2014 21:44

Is this on Facebook? If so can you hide her? If she says it to your face, maybe just hint that sometimes it's not that way for everyone.

Also remember that when her son is a shouty, "nooooo! Mine!!!!!" toddler, she might think he's less of an angel

Original poster

Sleepswithbutterflies · 15/10/2014 21:44

No it's directly to me.

OP posts:

CornChips · 15/10/2014 21:46

And FWIW, I think I went through the motions with DS until he was about 3 years old. i loved him,sure, and cared for him and did my utter best for him, but did not really bond until then.
I sort of came out of my fog then.

We have a great bond now. :)

ThisFenceIsComfy · 15/10/2014 21:46

Bloody hell, she is really quite insensitive then.

Tell her so. If she's a real friend then she will understand.

awfulomission · 15/10/2014 21:51

I felt absolute instant duty to my DS1 but not that rush of crazy, infatuated love that some seem to get. It grew, slowly, and while I know I'll never have that mushy baby time back with him. I love him dearly, deeply NOW and that's all that counts.

Do try to let it wash over you if you can. She's being insensitive and, possibly, as others have said, is protesting a bit too much.

Namelesswonder · 15/10/2014 21:59

I didn't have pnd but didn't do the bonding thing with either of my DC (both difficult births which ended with ECS) for a good few months, nor do I remember much of their first years as they were both crap sleepers. I don't think they feel they were failed in any way - they have no idea! Don't feel you are any less a mother than anyone else, or that you have failed in anyway, because if you failed then by your reasoning so did a lot of the rest of us.

redexpat · 15/10/2014 22:11

I have experienced similar insensitivity. Last week I told my friend that I needed to tell her all the good stuff that DS' CM had said about him, and that I didn't need to hear how her son (6 months younger) had done everything 6 months ago. She asked if she'd been really awful, and I said pretty insensitive at times, but I figured that she just didnt have anyone else to tell (we both live in rural other c ountry). She apologised, then listened, and really struggled to keep her mouth shut, but she did it!

I think people just forget sometimes. Could you tell her clearly, calmly, that although you really are happy for her, that your experience was very different, and hearing her version is making you feel worse?

Would she listen? Or get the huff? The other alternative is to hide her on facebook, and just cool the friendship for a while. You really do have to put yourself first sometimes.

Andanotherthing123 · 15/10/2014 22:27

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time. I think your friend sounds as though she lacks empathy (to say the least), whereas you sound lovely - maybe distance yourself and take a break from her for a while?

RabbitSaysWoof · 15/10/2014 22:29

At best she sounds really boring and pretty insensitive.
At worst shes taking one upmanship to a new low.

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