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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to playdate with DV victim?

77 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 15/10/2014 16:51

I feel very unreasonable.

DD (3) has become great friends with a little boy in her playschool and his mother has mentioned her coming over to play. We have no other children in the family so I'm usually all about "play dates" etc but the only problem in Sad the woman is often sporting wounds, cuts and bruises Sad Today was a huge black eye and loads of stitches across her face! I got such a shock I just said Oh God that looks sore and she just nodded and changed the subject, her partner is always there (usually waiting in the car while she stands in the rain) so I don't think he works so would be there for these play dates. I'm only off one day a week so don't know her that well at all and I'm really uneasy about the situation.

I don't want to go over there with DD but I really would like to very subtly offer some support? Sad

OP posts:
SoonToBeSix · 15/10/2014 16:53

You are very unreasonable I can't even type what I am thinking as it would be against mumsnet guidelines!

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 15/10/2014 16:53

That should say POSSIBLE DV victim, sorry!!

OP posts:
Venticoffeecup · 15/10/2014 16:53

Do you know for sure that she is a DV victim or are you making an assumption?

Pootles2010 · 15/10/2014 16:53

Ask her to yours? I don't think you're being unreasonable as you're obviously concerned for her.

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 15/10/2014 16:54

Can you elaborate SoonToBe? That's Why I've posted here

OP posts:
furcoatbigknickers · 15/10/2014 16:54

Yanbu, i wouldn't allow my child to be around that. Yes you should try and help in some way.

ArkhamOffett · 15/10/2014 16:55

Can you invite him round to yours instead? Or suggest a soft play centre?

furcoatbigknickers · 15/10/2014 16:55

Thats an excellent udea about inviting them to yours, she may open up.

formerbabe · 15/10/2014 16:55

Could you arrange to meet her in the park or at your place?

Venticoffeecup · 15/10/2014 16:55

Cross-post.

I would try to be her friend without judging her or assuming the worst. She could have had an accident, it happens. She could have been playing with her son and fallen or something, there could be 101 explanations.

What ever has happened to her just be her friend.

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 15/10/2014 16:57

I should also have said in my OP, growing up my parents were raving, violent alcoholics and so many children were distanced from me because of this. I don't want my DDs little friend to suffer the same fate. I just really don't want to go around there. My place is really small and I'd be worried he'd want to come too.

Yes I'm just assuming, possibly wrongly that it's DV

OP posts:
IamOldGregg · 15/10/2014 16:57

I don't think it is unreasonable at all to be concerned for your DC, I would be too. No way would I send them alone, so maybe you stay at the playdate and get to know her better or invite to your house. Sounds like the mum needs a friend :(

DiaDuit · 15/10/2014 16:58

Umm i dont think that's unreasonable at all! There is clearly something going on to create massive injuries to this woman's face and you dont know what so why on earth would you send your child there? You dont know it is DV but you dont know that it isnt and the signs suggest it might be. I would invite her to mine and get to know her better so you can make a judgement in whether you think it would be ok to send your child there. Tbh i'd do that even without any suspicions as i'd still want to know someone better before sending my 3 year old there.

ArkhamOffett · 15/10/2014 16:59

I don't see why he would want to come to. Perhaps she doesn't drive, or doesn't want to on the school run.
I can see your concerns but that's a worry too far imo.

Penfold007 · 15/10/2014 17:00

I think I know where your coming from, you want to protect your own child but also offer support to this lady and her child.
Try inviting them to your house, the park or similar. Don't judge or assume just be there.

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 15/10/2014 17:06

Thanks everyone. I wouldn't have considered sending DD alone, that's just not really the done thing around here at that young age but I think I will invite them over here next week or to a local soft play.

I feel horrible for my immediate reaction but it's a gut reaction, just not a home I want to take DD to. I definitely want to offer support though she's a really cheerful, chatty woman and seems to make the most effort to befriend other parents.

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 15/10/2014 17:19

Don't feel bad about that being your first thought, most people would feel the same. Who really would send their children over to a place where there is violence. I think inviting her around to yours is a good idea.

WerkSupp · 15/10/2014 17:23

You have picked a good compromise. I hope it works out.

CrohnicallyAnxious · 15/10/2014 17:23

I think I'd try inviting them to soft play/park/swimming/anything public and child orientated really! I'd also be worried about the possibility of the partner coming if I invited them to my house, and that would make me uncomfortable.

MiddletonPink · 15/10/2014 17:24

Huge black eye and stitches?

Really?

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 15/10/2014 17:27

Yes really Middleton Hmm

OP posts:
jellyboatsandpirates · 15/10/2014 17:30

How on earth do you know it's DV? Have you asked? What a massive assumption! She could have had an accident for all you know. Confused

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 15/10/2014 17:33

Second post says I should have said possible Jelly. Though as stated in my OP, these injuries are very very frequent so I'd be surprised unfortunately if it was a case of constant accidents

OP posts:
christinarossetti · 15/10/2014 17:35

Op says that this woman is 'often sporting wounds'. Coupled with changing the subject when OP mentioned her current injuries, that doesn't scream 'Oh, I had a car crash' to me.

I don't think you're BU not to want to go round to this families house, OP, and suggestions about soft play or at your house sound sensible.

DownByTheRiverside · 15/10/2014 17:41

'the woman is often sporting wounds, cuts and bruises '

What alternative suggestions do you have about the injuries, jelly?
One of the hideous things about DV is how often the marks are explained away by the victim and the observers.
I like the idea of meeting in a neutral place so the children can play together, does this little boy have other friends as well?