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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to playdate with DV victim?

77 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 15/10/2014 16:51

I feel very unreasonable.

DD (3) has become great friends with a little boy in her playschool and his mother has mentioned her coming over to play. We have no other children in the family so I'm usually all about "play dates" etc but the only problem in Sad the woman is often sporting wounds, cuts and bruises Sad Today was a huge black eye and loads of stitches across her face! I got such a shock I just said Oh God that looks sore and she just nodded and changed the subject, her partner is always there (usually waiting in the car while she stands in the rain) so I don't think he works so would be there for these play dates. I'm only off one day a week so don't know her that well at all and I'm really uneasy about the situation.

I don't want to go over there with DD but I really would like to very subtly offer some support? Sad

OP posts:
CherryDolphin · 15/10/2014 19:47

Knitted the OP said that this woman's partner is always nearby when she sees her. Of course that doesn't mean that he's constantly monitoring her but if he is abusive then he is probably controlling. That's what got me worried.

DrCoconut · 15/10/2014 19:52

You're not over thinking it at all Cherry. From my experience if the DH/DP is turned away he will expect the lady to go with him. And then cut off contact with you on the grounds that you are against him, trying to split them up whatever other crazy crap he likes really. Unless he misbehaves I would put up with him coming along if need be because once you get his trust up a bit he may soften his supervision just a little, that is what happened with me and it allowed me to become close enough to some women from toddler group to get help when I left. This assumes it is a DV situation. If it is not then a bit of time spent with them should reveal that too.

123upthere · 15/10/2014 20:25

I think you should go to the house then you can suss it all out better. Maybe go with another friend make it 3 of you with your kids?

Then if you still sense a fb issue in the home, get onto the playschool immediately

She obv feels you are someone special she can trust - and prob unwittingly with your history that you mentioned of your own past - you have something in common with her re the violent alcohol in your home growing up iyswim

Without sounding weird, maybe you were meant to meet her?

123upthere · 15/10/2014 20:26

A DV issue sorry - not a fb issue

DoubtfireDear · 15/10/2014 20:26

I'm very accident prone, always got a bump or a burn or a cut somewhere, was recently in a car accident and one side of my face was about doubled in size as well as having a massive black eye and damaged teeth.

When people asked (which they did, naturally) I told them how it had happened.

The fact that she didn't just explain what she'd done to end up with such an obvious injury would ring alarm bells for me, and I think you should go with your gut on this to begin with, reach out to her, have a playdate at your place or meet her somewhere locally, you might find (hopefully) that you were wrong and that there's an innocent explanation, or you might get a better picture of what's going on and be able to help. I'd tread carefully at first, but you obviously are concerned for her and not just being judgey. I don't blame you for not wanting to leave your child though, better safe than sorry.

123upthere · 15/10/2014 20:29

But I wouldn't drop off your kid there and leave - I'd go there have a cuppa bring cake for her eat it then go for walk to park or round the block? Weather permitting...if not just stay and chat while kids play? Even if he's there he'll be acting 'good' as another poster said. Always trust your gut instinct and be strong. I wouldn't ignore her btw, think of it as a real life mumsnet helping another

Thisismyfirsttime · 15/10/2014 20:36

I would not invite them round in case he came too. I would put it along the lines of 'Oh, perhaps we should take them to the park for an hour or so instead, I like dd to burn off some energy! X day suits me, I have to go to X at (time an hour or so later), is that good for you?" I know of 2 families where both parents went everywhere, one for reasons relating to dv and one not and also of one close friend who was in a controlling (although probably wouldn't have been considered abusive as such) relationship where everyone had to go to her as her dp had such 'rules' about where the children would be considered 'safe' and it rubbed off on my friend! Despite them having large dogs themselves at home but that's another matter!
For what it's worth I wouldn't go to their house either and I say that as a woman who experienced dv, although no children involved. If she does go and is alone and starts opening up to you as pp have suggested she might I'd say that the X you had to leave for isn't that important so you could have more time if need be.

123upthere · 15/10/2014 20:42

Actually no I wouldn't go to her house as she won't open up properly if he's in the house / in another room

But then I'd want to suss out the home environment if only to be sure she was ok but i wouldn't go alone of take another friend she could also get to know to widen her circle also?

Sorry OP. Tricky one.

maninawomansworld · 16/10/2014 10:40

If she is a DV victim hen hell no stay away. To be honest even if there is a suspicion why risk your DD's safety?
It's not worth it, give it 6 months the kids will probably have fallen out anyway!

CarryOn90 · 16/10/2014 10:52

Don't understand Six's post at all Confused

ArkhamOffett · 16/10/2014 10:54

Actually, I hadn't thought of a condition like epilepsy. Maybe she doesn't want to roll out her whole medical history in front of a school acquaintance and it could explain her DH being there so much.

LittleBairn · 16/10/2014 10:58

I wouldn't want my child in an environment were DV is on going especially if her partner is often around too.
I would offer to host her and the DC at your house or a park but I wouldn't visit their house.

Toocold · 16/10/2014 10:58

I once thought someone was suffering DV and was really worried, it turned out she was a prison officer and suffered sadly that way at work.

Toocold · 16/10/2014 10:59

Sorry that was not particularly helpful, I too would be wary, it is a hard one and whilst you may want to help, you do need to safeguard your child.

OldBeanbagz · 16/10/2014 11:07

Since you're not going to send your DS on his own, i'd probably go and see what the home situation is like for yourself. I think that it would be a better way to approach it rather that immediately suggesting an alternative venue when she's invited you to their house.

That's what i would do as i don't feel i'd personally be at risk and it might give you some insight. Afterwards if you feel that there is DV going on, i'd approach the school or social services.

PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein · 16/10/2014 11:18

I share OldBeanbagz view on this, based on my experience of knowing a woman who was suffering horrendous abuse at home. She was a colleague and it became obvious to all of us in the office that her injuries and the far fetched explanations she was coming up with were something more sinister. Her husband used to come into our place of work sometimes (valid reasons) and our other colleagues began to shun him, which was understandable, but made her distressed (and, I suspect, made things worse Sad). She was totally in denial. I decided that since she wouldn't tell the truth, I should take what she told me at face value and was polite to him for her sake. In the end, when she was ready to leave, it was me she confided in about the abuse - perhaps because she knew I was supportive of her no matter what.

The situation was more complicated than I've been able to articulate here, but the point is that staying away from people doesn't necessarily help anyone- I would let the friendship develop as it would with anyone and see what happens from there I suppose.

Bunbaker · 16/10/2014 12:08

"Maybe she doesn't want to roll out her whole medical history in front of a school acquaintance and it could explain her DH being there so much."

You may well be right. It would explain why he was driving and she wasn't.

Phalenopsis · 16/10/2014 12:25

I understand your concern OP. I'd be inviting the school friend over to your house to play if possible. You never know, as she gets to know you, she might open up but it's not something that can be forced.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 16/10/2014 12:42

If she is a DV victim hen hell no stay away. To be honest even if there is a suspicion why risk your DD's safety?
It's not worth it, give it 6 months the kids will probably have fallen out anyway!

Sadly, this is a good reason why DV is such a huge issue. People avoid it, ignore it, disassociate from it. And the victim gets more and more isolated.

Nobody is asking the OP to put her child at risk. But offering to meet the mum at another location isn't a huge risk and might actually be a lifeline for the mum.

redexpat · 16/10/2014 12:44

I think you should report your concerns to SS. As others have said, it doesnt necessarily mean that she is being abused, but if you have suspicions about the mother, the child will be affected by that. If she is just clumsy then SS will discover that.

In the meantime, invite her to yours, or the park.

dreamingbohemian · 16/10/2014 13:01

Of course it could be something else but if she is a chatty cheerful type she would say, wouldn't she? She must know what people might be thinking. It doesn't have to mean rolling out a medical history, just saying 'oh yes, it's the epilepsy' when OP mentioned her face.

I gave myself a huge black eye last year, whenever I saw people I totally explained what happened because I didn't want anyone assuming anything.

OP I think YANBU and it would be good if you could meet up with her someplace public.

Quenna · 16/10/2014 13:06

OP this is really hard for you as you have a triggering background of your own. This is my experience too, and sometimes I do keep a a distance from some people as I can't deal with it all,over again. I know that is my failing, but that's how it is. I feel for you. It's great that you are trying to find a way for,the DC to be playmates .

BrokenButNotFinished · 16/10/2014 13:26

I think you always have to go with your gut. It may be nothing suspect. It may a medical condition. It may be that she's in a historical society and does battle re-enactments every weekend, but is too embarrassed to tell you (honestly - I knew a man who did this and came to work battered all the time). But the fact that your gut is telling you that something is amiss should be followed every time.

I have a similar background to the OP. There have been other threads on here about people with abusive backgrounds having a finer nose for trouble, perhaps a heightened sense of self-preservation. And I have also found that people with abusive pasts have a way of semaphoring invisibly to each other: I have become friends with people who quite some time later I discover has had similar experiences to me.

So it would be great if you can find a way of being friendly to this woman and her child without compromising your safety - mental and physical - but at the end of the day, your responsibility is for yourself and your child. So you should not feel bad for the places you can't bear to go.

Quenna · 16/10/2014 13:28

Great post by broken. That's what I meant but didn't say very well.

Triooooooooooo · 16/10/2014 13:29

I second that she could have epilepsy, I know a few kids that do and they often go around looking like. tthey've walked out of an NSPCC ad. Really horrendous bruising.......it's also worth bearing in mind that abusers are usually careful not to mark places like the face too often.

However in the ops position I wouldn't take the risk and would invite them both to my place or meet somewhere.

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