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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to playdate with DV victim?

77 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 15/10/2014 16:51

I feel very unreasonable.

DD (3) has become great friends with a little boy in her playschool and his mother has mentioned her coming over to play. We have no other children in the family so I'm usually all about "play dates" etc but the only problem in Sad the woman is often sporting wounds, cuts and bruises Sad Today was a huge black eye and loads of stitches across her face! I got such a shock I just said Oh God that looks sore and she just nodded and changed the subject, her partner is always there (usually waiting in the car while she stands in the rain) so I don't think he works so would be there for these play dates. I'm only off one day a week so don't know her that well at all and I'm really uneasy about the situation.

I don't want to go over there with DD but I really would like to very subtly offer some support? Sad

OP posts:
Nerris · 15/10/2014 17:44

I totally understand where you are coming from. I would suggest a public place or your house and leave it at that. Presuming she must be self-concious of her various injuries, she must be aware that it makes people uneasy of her husband. I think yours is a natural reaction, you want to put the safety of your child first, even though that may seem unreasonable to other people. Follow your instincts on this one.

HermioneWeasley · 15/10/2014 17:46

Not U at all to not want to go to her house. DV is the most likely for frequent injuries. I think meeting elsewhere is a good approach

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 15/10/2014 17:52

Poor woman is probably completely isolated. Please invite her and her son to yours, or out to soft play. You don't have to act as a counsellor, but I bet she'd appreciate an hour out of her partner's reach.

tshirtsuntan · 15/10/2014 17:55

Slightly off topic but if your playschool is any good they should have/be flagging this up with the appropriate agencies, it's a child protection issue and they have a duty of care to the little boy.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/10/2014 17:56

Since you would be there the entire time, I don't feel I'd be afraid to just be in the house with my child, under the assumption that 1) like most abusers he will be on his 'best behaviour' around a stranger, and 2) I would be able to make a quick getaway if I felt 'angry vibes' from him or he started escalating. That being said, if I felt the least bit 'vibey', if he insisted on always being in the same room or was obviously listening to everything (IYKWIM), or I felt the house was set up where I couldn't make a quick exit, I probably would suggest a walk or a visit to a nearby park or I'd find a reason to leave.

I wouldn't say you were being either reasonable or unreasonable as it is very definitely an individual choice based on your own comfort level.

This woman obviously needs friends. I tend to be accident prone & often sport bruises from bumping into things and have even fallen twice & fractured bones but if someone asks me about them I have no problem telling them what happened, usually ruefully. But during my first marriage many times I turned the conversation rather than try to think of something to cover up the truth.

Idefix · 15/10/2014 17:56

YANBU, however if you become sure that this is happening - she tells you then this is abuse not only of her but her DS. I know I would have to do something about that.

DuckandCat · 15/10/2014 17:57

I would feel the same as you OP.

It doesn't take a genius to work out that frequent injuries like the ones you describe are most likely down to DV.
I hope she agrees to meeting at your house/ soft play and that it goes well.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2014 18:01

Yes have the little girl and mother over to yours. Mabey get to know her. You have every right to feel uncomfortable if you suspect her partner is hurting her, to have your dd there whilst he is in the house.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2014 18:02

Oops sorry little boy

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2014 18:03

It's quite possible that he is violent to her, she frequently sports cuts and bruises Sad. Yes do have them over to you or meet in a neutral place.

Bunbaker · 15/10/2014 18:04

"You are very unreasonable I can't even type what I am thinking as it would be against mumsnet guidelines!"

How can you say that? The mother often sports injuries. The OP may be making an incorrect assumption, but in her shoes I would feel the same. I think the other suggestions on here sound far better.

NorwaySpruce · 15/10/2014 18:06

You'll feel better I suppose if you invite the child to your house, or meet at a park etc.

Bear in mind though that the woman could have epilepsy or something that causes her yo fall/lose her balance often. Don't assume the worst.

Once you get to know the family better, they might be more talkative.

starlight1234 · 15/10/2014 18:10

As someone who was a victim of domestic violence. I support your plan to offer to meet elsewhere. I would also not take my DC to the house from the circumstances you explain.

Catanddogmake6 · 15/10/2014 18:11

Perhaps if you decide somewhere outside both houses is best you could either say you had promised your DD a trip to the park/ soft play etc or if there is somewhere new or you've never been say you have been meaning to find someone to go with you and DD to try it out. That perhaps would make it less awkward not going to her house.

CherryDolphin · 15/10/2014 18:21

it's a gut reaction

This says it all.

Go with your instinct.

CherryDolphin · 15/10/2014 18:22

Really Six? Hmm.

Wherearemyminions · 15/10/2014 18:57

I would speak to someone at school. Having been in a DV situation, I had limited opportunities to open up to others but didn't take them up, I was too scared. I couldn't even tell my family.
Speaking to someone in authority may help, it may get the ball rolling to investigate or at the very least flag it up and keep an eye on things.
Thinking about it now, I would have been so grateful if someone had contacted school or another agency and said "I don't know the circumstances, but I'm concerned about..."

ScrambledEggAndToast · 15/10/2014 19:17

I often used to turn up to the school gates with black eyes (often two at a time) stitches, cut face etc. This was due to having epileptic seizures and badly injuring myself. I am not saying that you are wrong to be worried but to look at me, people may have thought the same but the truth was completely different.

ilovechristmas1 · 15/10/2014 19:18

but if this is the case eg DV then the chances are very slim that this lady would be "allowed" to visit op's or meet in the park

if he is always in the car at the school and dosent work there is no chance he is going to let his DP meet up with the op

i was in a similar relationship and if anybody came round he even made sure he was in the same room as us,as he was making sure i never had a chance to talk to anybody Sad

maddening · 15/10/2014 19:29

Invite her over - if he comes just say really sorry not enough room for us all - can I drop dc and wife back later rather than have both of them - be breezy like it couldn't possibly be a problem.

maddening · 15/10/2014 19:29

Or have their dc alone at yours

Lilacflower · 15/10/2014 19:34

I don't think you are fully being unreasonable. Meeting her outside her house is a good idea.

My thoughts were maybe she needs a friend, this could be her way if reaching out to someone. If it is DV she could very well be isolated from friends/family by her partner.

CherryDolphin · 15/10/2014 19:37

I was wondering about that christmas. If she really is a victim of DV will her partner really "allow" her meet someone outside without him being there?

CherryDolphin · 15/10/2014 19:39

Invite her over - if he comes just say really sorry not enough room for us all - can I drop dc and wife back later rather than have both of them - be breezy like it couldn't possibly be a problem.

You see I would be worried that if she did that then that will just anger him and put this poor woman in more danger later on. Or am I just being paranoid and over thinking this?

KnittedJimmyChoos · 15/10/2014 19:43

cherry having known a few DV victims in no way have they been constantly monitored or attended by the abuser. if you think this man is actually policing her actions then this is really scary stuff.

what on earth could op do?