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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to pretend to play happy families at Christmas

75 replies

sayerville · 15/10/2014 09:50

So for the last 20 years my IL's have decided to spend their Christmases away with friends or distant family members.
However, this year my SIL is coming from NZ so we have suddenly had an invite on Christmas day as all the 'family' are together.
We have always spent Christmas day with my side of the family so I am a little aggrieved that all of a sudden we are classed as family and to put on a good front we have to put up this pretence.
I don't want to go as I don't want to play to their tune when they want to drag us in when it's convenient but equally my hubby would be infuriated if we didn't go.
What would you do?

OP posts:
PumpkinsMummy · 15/10/2014 09:53

Hmmm, I see where you are coming from, but if you spend every christmas with your mum and dad usually, I think it would be fair to do this one with your in laws. Perhaps they felt they were being nice not pushing you to spend it with them, or maybe because SIL was away it made them feel less upset to do a non-family christmas.

Spindarella · 15/10/2014 09:53

Your husband wants to go? And he's spent the last 20 years with your side of the family?

For this one Christmas I'd suck it up and go.

LineRunner · 15/10/2014 09:53

Have you thought about from your husband's perspective? I imagine he's looking forward to it.

Original poster
sayerville · 15/10/2014 09:55

I think he feels he ought to go, though he doesn't want to.....I just think they have a cheek..all of a sudden we are good enough now but not in the past?

OP posts:
TheRealMaryMillington · 15/10/2014 09:56

YABU!

Wildly!

There must be some horror backstory judging by your tone.

On the face of it you've spent 20 Christmasses with your family, it's not unreasonable for your DH to want to spend it with his family, especially as his sister is in the same hemisphere. It's not unreasonable of your inlaws to extend an invitation. Where is all the pretence in having Christmas day together? What's your problem?

londonrach · 15/10/2014 09:58

Tbh im with your dh on this. For 20 years you had your family xmas and he hasnt be able to as his parents etc are too far away. They made the effect this year. It could be another 20 years. Imagine if it was your family that lived far away. Go to the ilaws. Only fair thing to do.

Sallyingforth · 15/10/2014 09:58

YABU.

ghostyslovesheep · 15/10/2014 09:59

YABU there has to be more to this animosity surely?

They have chosen to go away every Christmas but their daughter is flying over so they are making the most of having her with them and doing a family Christmas - because it's the first time in 20 YEARS they can ...and you are offended?

HicDraconis · 15/10/2014 10:00

Are you my SiL? It's just that we're coming over from NZ for Christmas and have invited the whole family round as we see them so rarely... I'd be gutted if my brother didn't really want to see me but felt he had to.

Original poster
sayerville · 15/10/2014 10:01

Cos I hate pretence! It's just like I say they didn't want anything to do with us but because she's coming over we're deemed good enough to invite and class us as family they never asked us before.
I can bet next year they won't do it!

OP posts:
HavanaSlife · 15/10/2014 10:02

As your sil is flying over for christmas I think yabu.

tiggytape · 15/10/2014 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealMaryMillington · 15/10/2014 10:03

Why is it a pretence?

Unless they are horrible to you all the time, and you all hate each other? You sound like you hate them alright.

Get on with it. It. might. even. be. nice.

Original poster
sayerville · 15/10/2014 10:04

ghostlovessheep.....they don't go away every Christmas, they just choose not to have anything to do with us, they spend it with friends...don't include us then all of a sudden this!

OP posts:
makeminered · 15/10/2014 10:04

I can understand not doing it for the parents but if sil is nice then do it for her.
Though there is no point going if neither of you wants to go, but feel you should.

ghostyslovesheep · 15/10/2014 10:05

well it's one day in 20 years I'm sure you will cope

LineRunner · 15/10/2014 10:05

But they've been abroad for previous Chistmases. How could they have seen you?

Do you resent them going abroad at Christmas?

And I thought you said your husband would be infuriated not to go?

tiggytape · 15/10/2014 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sayerville · 15/10/2014 10:06

Linerunner....where on earth did I say the'd been abroad for Christmas???

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 15/10/2014 10:07

How have they wanted nothing to do with you. Did they say that?
By you spending it with your family, maybe to them you sent a clear message about how Xmas will be spent each year.
I think once in 20 years is a very small ask, and you should not spoil it for your DH. Just go with it.

redskybynight · 15/10/2014 10:08

Do your ILs choose not to spend Christmas with you? Or do you choose to spend it with your parents, thereby effectively meaning they either spend it alone or with friends? Have you ever invited them round at Christmas?

HicDraconis · 15/10/2014 10:09

Are you sure they didn't want anything to do with you? Are you sure it's not just that as their daughter was half a world away they couldn't have a whole family Christmas and as you were always with your family they didn't feel they could ask you to change that? But this year, because their daughter is here and it's such a rare occasion, they feel they can ask you not to be with your family just this one time?

I'm biased, obviously, as I identify with the overseas daughter. And I am desperate to spend Christmas with all my family. I'd be desperately sad if, having not seen my brother & his family for years, they would choose to spend Christmas with SiL's family as they do every year and which they can do again next year when I can't afford a repeat flight.

Original poster
sayerville · 15/10/2014 10:09

I think the thing is you don't understand a family Christmas would have been possible with them every year, we live but a few miles away, they choose not not spend it with us, just drag us in when they feel like it i.e. now so we have had no other option but to spend with my family.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 15/10/2014 10:11

It's the impression I got from your OP, OP. so you mean they've been local to you and avoided seeing you at Christmas?

TheRealMaryMillington · 15/10/2014 10:12

It's not "all of a sudden", your SIL is here. It seems you have all gotten into a habit of doing Christmas separately. This year you have a reason to be together.

Do they ignore you the rest of the year too?

(or did you invite them once in 1988 when you lived in a tiny bedsit and that year it happened they needed to go to their own elderly parents….or some such historical aggrievement)