Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to pretend to play happy families at Christmas

75 replies

sayerville · 15/10/2014 09:50

So for the last 20 years my IL's have decided to spend their Christmases away with friends or distant family members.
However, this year my SIL is coming from NZ so we have suddenly had an invite on Christmas day as all the 'family' are together.
We have always spent Christmas day with my side of the family so I am a little aggrieved that all of a sudden we are classed as family and to put on a good front we have to put up this pretence.
I don't want to go as I don't want to play to their tune when they want to drag us in when it's convenient but equally my hubby would be infuriated if we didn't go.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Fenton · 15/10/2014 10:14

It would be the right thing to do to just go along with it this year, with an open mind, and if it really is that dreadful then you can say to yourself, well I thought as much but at least we took the high road and tried.

And if it isn't dreadful then all is good.

LineRunner · 15/10/2014 10:14

I still don't understand if your DH will be infuriated not to go, or doesn't want to go.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 15/10/2014 10:15

Op YANBU, I totally get where your coming from.

It depends on locations and so on.

If it was me I would probably accommodate them but only for small amount of time.

I totally understand your ire though.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/10/2014 10:15

Yes, a family christmas would have been possible, sayerville - but not a whole family Christmas - that seems to be the difference here.

It is one Christmas out of 20 - hardly unreasonable of them to ask.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 15/10/2014 10:16

I think you need to look at it from SIL's POV too, it's not her fault your ILs have never spent Christmas with you. She's coming all the way from NZ and has the first opportunity for a family Christmas in years (and possibly the last for the foreseeable future), what a shame if it can't happen. It seems harsh to look at it as being dragged in to present a united front TBH.

Cakebaker35 · 15/10/2014 10:16

It's once in 20 years, suck it up. If it's awful then you've done your duty and its on,y for one day. And if it's not, who knows you might even have built some bridges...

KnittedJimmyChoos · 15/10/2014 10:17

Go have big smiles and say loudly at some point, wow its so odd spending an xmas with your family DH...and give everyone a good look in the eye with raised eyebrow. then carry on...

TheRealMaryMillington · 15/10/2014 10:17

It doesn't have to be a pretence. It's spending some time with your SIL. Take it for what it is. You don't have to pretend anything. Apart from perhaps that you'd rather be somewhere else. If they are local, you don't even have to stay over. Result.

Or are you miffed because you had other plans in mind?
Or are your own family giving you grief?

Summerisle1 · 15/10/2014 10:17

I wouldn't read quite so much into this. They've made different arrangements - as have you for the last 20 years - almost certainly because that's how you've all chosen to spend Christmas. None of this may have anything at all to do with pretending to be family. After all, if you weren't considered family, you wouldn't have been invited, would you?

This year, exceptionally, your SIL is coming over from NZ. So it's not the hardest thing in the world, surely, to just make an exception and spend Christmas at theirs? Refusing on a questionable point of principle just seems like a recipe for quite unnecessary grief. After all, you can revert to spending Christmas with your family next year. can't you? Only they've hardly been deprived of your company over the last 20 years.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 15/10/2014 10:17

Yep maybe there is a reason she has not been back in years Wink and would appreciate support !

Original poster
sayerville · 15/10/2014 10:18

Yes that's right....mind you they have hardly anything to do with us anyway, they have always made this clear, their lives are too busy.
I will go along of course but I just feel like we are being used a bit, I just wondered how others might feel but I guess they don't understand what they are like.

OP posts:
Spindarella · 15/10/2014 10:18

Fenton
It would be the right thing to do to just go along with it this year, with an open mind, and if it really is that dreadful then you can say to yourself, well I thought as much but at least we took the high road and tried

And if it isn't dreadful then all is good

Completely agree. And on this regularity it will be 7304 days until you do it again.

tiggytape · 15/10/2014 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineRunner · 15/10/2014 10:20

I think I'm getting it now. You resent being ignored for 20 Christmases whilst your ILs saw friends, and you established your own Christmas tradition, but this year because it suits your ILs you are expected to let down your own parents to join in with the ILs' stuff?

That's how it feels?

And your DH is unsure what to do?

KnittedJimmyChoos · 15/10/2014 10:20

Sayer we are used too, not bothered with and they want to wheel us out when they have visitors because they want to show off the gc.

so its starting Grin the xmas tales of woe, had two threads so far maybe more.....

HicDraconis · 15/10/2014 10:20

You say a family Christmas would have been possible, but if you've been with your own family every year did you ever give them the impression they'd be welcome? I can imagine a mother in law not wanting to offend a daughter in law and waiting to be invited, and a daughter in law also waiting to be invited such that ultimately both make separate plans and patterns / habits are set.

Given this is one Christmas in 20 years, I still think yabu. And now I don't know whether to wait to be asked to spend Christmases with my sons, or invite them over and risk offending their partners either way. Thank heaven they are too young to worry about it yet!

Original poster
sayerville · 15/10/2014 10:23

Linerunner...you have got it!

DH wants to go so I can't not go, though he feels a bit used too.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 15/10/2014 10:24

Well in that case vent away. Smile

makeminered · 15/10/2014 10:24

If you all live quite close, can't you do half a day with each?

minkymuskyslyoldstoaty · 15/10/2014 10:24

oh just see them boxing day.

minkymuskyslyoldstoaty · 15/10/2014 10:25

oh they live really close? in that case, go for a few hours?

Summerisle1 · 15/10/2014 10:26

It's only Christmas. A time of the year that is always best stripped of as much emotional baggage as possible. If this isn't possible then just keep remembering that it is only one day out of 365.

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 15/10/2014 10:26

They've invited you to christmas. It's hardly using you to play happy families.
I think you should approach this in a more positive manner. You never know, you may enjoy it and it's a special occasion because you SIL will be there too.
YANBU I'm afraid - it's once in a blue moon.

ResponsibleAdult · 15/10/2014 10:27

Once in twenty years, its not a big deal. The sister in law will, quite rightly, be the centre of attention, so you don't have to try too hard. You don't have to do the washing up. You can go home afterwards as they are relatively local. What's not to like?

TheRealMaryMillington · 15/10/2014 10:27

If you decide to feel "used" that's up to you, but its not very Christmassy is it?

Just go and have a nice time.

Does DH like, and want to see, his sister? It might be lovely for them.

Swipe left for the next trending thread