to not want to pretend to play happy families at Christmas

[sayerville]

So for the last 20 years my IL's have decided to spend their Christmases away with friends or distant family members.
However, this year my SIL is coming from NZ so we have suddenly had an invite on Christmas day as all the 'family' are together.
We have always spent Christmas day with my side of the family so I am a little aggrieved that all of a sudden we are classed as family and to put on a good front we have to put up this pretence.
I don't want to go as I don't want to play to their tune when they want to drag us in when it's convenient but equally my hubby would be infuriated if we didn't go.
What would you do?

Yes it's really no biggie.

Could they equally say that you have made other arrangements for the past 20yrs?

Either way, would your husband like to see his parents/sister over Christmas for once?

Think about doing it for his sister if she would like CD with her brother?

If not, are they close enough to just pop over & visit at some time during the Christmas period?

I am not saying I am not going, just that I don't WANT to go for all the reason's I have stated.
Like you say it's one day.... keep the peace, I can't do with confrontations I'm tired and emotional with other stuff in my life, Mum went into a CH last week daughter just left for uni so I'm basically an emotional wreck right now, I don't think I can cope with any more stress this might bring, it's not going to be a nice christmas, but I have to make the best of things

I do see it from the OP's perspective, for the past 20 years in-laws haven't been bothered about "the family" at Christmas time and have done their own thing and suddenly they decide this year they want a family get together.

However I'd just suck it up to be honest, no sense in making a big deal out of it?

It's just one year

Have you invited them in previous years and they've turned you down?

So often on MN you hear complaints that DiLs hate spending Christmas with their ILs...

This is a one-off. Be gracious.

YANBU for feeling the way you do tbh. But just go for lunch, stay as little time as possible then go off to see your family who have always made you welcome at Christmas and wanted to see you.

Could you have SIL over to you for a day whilst she's here instead?

Stripy that's a good idea....like you say we have always gone where we have been 'wanted' and that's the difference I guess

diddl....no I would imagine she want to be with her parents...

Well if you just do CD lunch, will that be long enough for your husband to spend with his sister?

that's why I suggested she also come to you.

Except I've just noticed that i put instead!

Sayerville - could you do your own Christmas day either on Christmas Eve or Boxing day? So that you don't feel as if you have not had any of the Christmas you want?

While this hasn't happened to me in the exact same way, it could, DB and DSIL have always made it very clear they want to spend Christmas on their own or with friends rather than with us or my parents, if they suddenly wanted a cosy family Christmas I would probably feel the same as you. It sounds as though you've got an awful lot going on in your life at the moment but are going to do the right thing and go along with it for the sake of DH and DSIL, coming on here and having a rant is a very good way of letting off steam. I hope it all works out OK.

Have you ever invited them to yours for Christmas?

Whoknows....All I ever seem to do is compromise but I guess that's life falling in with other people's wants and needs. Nice to rant though....not sure everyone has understood the position but nice to get viewpoints so thanks all x

have you actually wanted to spend any of the last 20 christmases with your ils though?

i know it's nice to be invited, but if you wouldn't have wanted to go, it's saved you the problem of declining or going grudgingly!

IL's aside. Does your DH not want to spend Christmas with his sister after all these years?

I think that, as you have decided to go, Sayerville, you need to decide on strategies to make the day as good as possible for you and your family. As I said before - maybe have your own 'proper' Christmas day either a day earlier or a day later.

And for the day, at your ILs, maybe you and dh could have a game of IL bingo - are there any phrases/topics they always bring up?

I am sure that the combined wisdom of MN can think of ways to make the day pass as quickly as possible, and to help you and your dh hang onto your sanity!

I think I get it. They've never wanted to spend Xmas with their son, declining invitations despite him being on their doorstep, but now the prodigal daughter has returned suddenly their Xmas is all about her. I can see how that would sting a bit from your DH's point of view.

Op I got it as soon as you posted.

I think the once in twenty years so go is the missing the whole point really, twenty long years is a long time to be cut out of plans and ignored same side of coin as well its just once in twenty years so go.,

Your in control here, you do not have to go.

If you do go there is nothig to stop you make a few uncomfortable statements.

sayerville- Do you have kids? If so ,did they ever see his parents over the christmas period?
if your christmas exsists without them, I would say,see your sil after christmas day, a night out or a restaurant perhaps. Definitely not in their house.
Its nice to be nice, and you dont want to drag sil into anything unpleasant, but sitting in their lounge, pretending that this isnt the first time ever would be very uncomfortable, and someone would be bound to say something.

Well if they haven't seen their son (or daughter?) for 20yrs at Christmas, then I would assume that yes, the invitation is for the sake of their children & not themselves.

SIL is staying with them & it's as easy to invite their son & family there.

Maybe they feel that Christmas is for kids & that adults do as they please?

Did they spend Christmas with their son before he knew you OP?

Yabvvu and quite selfish. Her dd is coming over from another long distance country and so she wants to have Christmas different this year. I gather she does not see her dd often, whereas she can see you all quite easily. they are your dh family, and your dc grandparents, suck it up and do this for them.

KnittedJimmyChoos
If you do go there is nothig to stop you make a few uncomfortable statements

Nah, disagree. Either go with good grace and an open mind or don't go at all.

sayerville I think you need to answer the questions that have been posted multiple times above if you want people to understand.

Do you invite the IL's every year and they decline?

Do you have your parents over to you every year and not specifically invite the IL's, hoping that they will ask if they can come themselves?

Do you plan to go to your parents but make it clear that they are also welcome?

Or are you just expecting them to make all of the effort and fall over themselves trying to entice you away from your family and spend it with them?

You say that they don't make the effort with you but i'm not seeing any evidence that you make any effort with them either?

I wonder if they are also trying to reconnect, themselves, as you have said your DM went into a CH and DD went away to Uni (I think - I hope I haven't mixed you up with another poster). But, giving the benefit of the doubt, they may be trying to consider that your DM will not be cooking Christmas dinner this year, and that you may like to go to them this year, especially as SIL is home but not necessarily just because she is.

Now that is the giving the benefit of the doubt version.

I personally would be feeling the same as you and I don't know the history and back story. But there are family issues in our family too.

We now stay at our own house every second year, and only travel the alternate years. So we have a small dinner for us 3 (DH, DD and I) but still do turkey and the trimmings, and have family fun (we're so busy normally that a quieter afternoon suits us - but with presents, games etc still).

Perhaps, you could also offer to host either Christmas dinner (if it's not already been made clear that PILs WILL be cooking) as they may also like to get out from their house. Or else offer to have a family meal in your house another day that SIL is still around.

If you do have to consider the offer, you don't have to spend all day there from breakfast until almost bedtime. Go half an hour before lunch, stay another hour after it, but have other things arranged either in your DPs house or back in your own (maybe your DF needs Christmas tea if DM is not physically there anymore?, or you need to fit in with visiting hours?, or the hours DM will be released for the afternoon? or even that DD has other friends to meet so you are all heading together?....) that you need to leave for at a certain point in the day. Or maybe that you will have to cook for DF (and DM?) but will come over later when they go home for tea and stay a few hours in the evening?

Rant away, it's better to release such feelings in relative safety such as here (and possibly get good ideas and ammunition for dealing with your case from what others have done or what they see from the outside) than to simmer internally and it ending up coming out sarcastically or in a rage at some point and causing conflict - as you certainly don't seem to want any conflict in this. But don't feel guilty at not wanting to go, even if you know you will have to go at some point.