To think my partner should stop sulking about me forbidding him to grow pot at home?

[betenoire2012]

I'm 35 weeks pregnant. Partner likes a smoke in the evening to relax. He's a stay at home dad. Doesn't smoke around our toddler. Recently he's become obsessed with researching growing weed at home (saw the 'history' on our shared pc), despite us arguing countless times about how it's illegal, a family home, a rented home etc. He often silently sulks when he gets a deal which isn't very good quality (?) and when I asked him last night what was wrong he blew his top about how he's a 40 year old man and shouldn't have to buy off the streets. He also keeps saying it's my choice that he's wasting all my money on it.He's become so adamant that I'm preventing his life long dream (?) of growing his own, he even wants us to move out of rented and buy our own home so he can cultivate a plant in the loft without risking the landlord finding out (one of my many concerns). I feel totally helpless and alone in my supposedly happy final months of pregnancy. Although I usually confide in my mum about problems, this is a topic I really don't want her to know about, as I know she'd tell me to leave him/ throw him out.
He is so distant at the minute I would rather my mum or anyone else be my birthing partner...don't know what to do. My mum lives 10 hours (a flight) away and I just want to escape there with our DD who's 2, but I think it's too late in the pg for me to fly. Plus he doesn't have resources of his own as we live off my salary, so I don't know where/ how he'd go if I asked him to go...

My uncle grew cannabis in the house. Someone tipped off the plod and they turned up with a warrant and searched the place.

"What's this?"

"A pot plant, officer". (Ahem.)

"Come with us, Sir". Officer puts 'pot plant' in an evidence bag.

Court case, hefty fine, compulsory drug rehabilitation programme, criminal record, sack from job, SS investigation, name in paper, banned from pub, general object of opprobrium and ridicule, massive row with his DM, arse kicked by DW and lucky to be allowed back in the house.

Growing pot in your house is totally U as, you would think, eny fule kno. However, landing in the street with a bootprint on his arse and half a dozen bin bags containing his stuff might focus the mind - if he has one.

Twat.

"Indeed a number of studies show that drivers the day after smoking are significantly safer than those after drinking"

That's like saying that driving at 110 mph is safer than driving at 120 mph.

This is the sort of situation which rolls into small children being taken into care and mothers being prosecuted for failing to protect.

Get rid. He doesn't care enough about his babies to not break the law and risk going to jail. I'm not interested in debating the morality of drugs, the fact is he is already breaking the law and wishes to escalate this, at the expense of you and of his babies, and without finding any of it himself.

Love, he's not a stay at home dad. He's an unemployed man with a drug problem so serious that he has lost all perspective on normal behavior for a man his age. And this is your babies' role model!

Mrspiggle - fabulous isn't it? He's obviously realised

Ahem, toddler pressed post!

...he's obviously realised that at 40, he's a bit old to be buying weed on the street, it's all a bit pathetic for a middle aged family man, so rather than coming to the obvious conclusion - it's about time he stopped, he came up with this "fabulous plan". Which his mum DP has said no to because she spoils all his fun

DS tried this one on me. 'Can I grow it because then I wouldn't have to buy it'. NO No No!
Because 1. It's illegal ( your house - you may be culpable ) 2. You don't want it around Your DC 3. It stinks

Amazingly at least one of DS's friends ( around 15 years old) have parents who agreed it was a better idea than dealing with drug dealers and not knowing your product. ( this is especially rubbish for me as mates growing it is a cheap source for DS & I think they somehow believe it grows therefore it's natural therefore it is harmless )
I feel bad for you as it is your relationship but the man is NOT SAHD material. He doesn't smoke around your toddler. Where does he smoke it? In the next room ?!! While toddler sleeps?
Unacceptable.

Couple of things as I'm really surprised by a lot of people's reactions.

1 - he's getting a lot of criticism for being lazy because he's a SAHD, and I can't work out why from the OP's posts as there's nothing suggesting he's anything but a SAHP. Seems a bit harsh on SAHPs surely?

2 - it is the illegality that has people so upset about this? If it was in Spain they lived rather than France, would it be less of a problem? I never smoke weed but it's legal where I live and I tend to think of it as similar to booze: part of normal life for some, makes you useless if you have too much, has associated health problems. In conclusion - not for me but nothing to get excited about.

I agree with Amy83 that the sulking is the 'not on' thing that the husband is doing (hope I'm not misrespresenting what you've said Amy!)

Yes, Lucy - the OP has had a few threads about him, most recently the one about him wanting to grow in the loft and her saying no, that's lead to this sulking.

Quite frankly, she's already doing it all pretty much by herself. Getting rid of him would make her life easier, not harder. But it's easy as an outsider to see that and say that.

My first thought when I read your op was I'd bet money on the fact that he smokes in the day too without you knowing. Does toddler have a nap, what about when he watches a bit of TV does DH nip out for a quick puff then?

No way would I want a regular smoker caring for my child parent or not.

Recently he's become obsessed with breeding guinea pigs (saw the 'history' on our shared pc), despite us arguing countless times about how it's illegal, a family home, a rented home etc. despite our lease stating that no pets are allowed. He often silently sulks when he gets a deal which isn't very good quality (?) buys a guinea pig and it doesn't reach show standard and when I asked him last night what was wrong he blew his top about how he's a 40 year old man and shouldn't have to buy off the streets from a pet shop. He also keeps saying it's my choice that he's wasting all my money on it.He'some so adamant that I'm preventing his life long dream (?) of growing his own breeding guinea pigs, he even wants us to move out of rented and buy our own home so he can cultivate a plant breed guinea pigs in the loft without risking the landlord finding out

Nope, doesn't sound any better when you take out the pot.

Loving your work merrymouse!

Ah I seeeee Chunderella and MaryW - I hadn't realised, thanks for that!

Haha at Merrymouse! V true!

Merrymouse you are a genius. I would like to request that treatment on many many threads, please. Guinea pigs are perfect here but do branch out as required.

OP, so many people agree it is the sulking and childishness that really count here.

Love the double standards re him being a SAHD so lazy, a cocklodger and should be out earning yet when it's said to a woman there are cries of its her right to stay home, it's family money etc

I'd also say he smokes during the day when he has the chidlren but even if he doesn't who wants a drug taker around children in the first instance. The sulking is rubbish but the drug taking is far worse.

Your partner is a waste of space. Sorry.

He has the cheek to blame you for the sorry situation he is putting you all in and quite frankly if his lifetime ambition is to grow his own pot that's really sad. Don't expect him him to be a great role model.

His sulking is childish and he needs a harsh reality check. What he is doing is illegal, what he wants to do is illegal and he's happy to do that in the family home? Don't tolerate it OP and certainly don't fund it!

"I never smoke weed but it's legal where I live"

But it isn't in the UK or in France, hence the type of reactions on here.

You know what I wouldn't really even discuss it with him. Go all mysterious and call it a womens thing. Tell him you need your mother at this time as a birth partner and you want her to move in with you for a few months while you recover from the birth and get back on your feet. Tell him it's best if he leaves for a while so he can 'find himself' or 'get some space'. Tell him that research shows that women and children benefit from some time away from the birth father. Whatever it is I think he needs a valid reason to leave that he can tell all his guinea pig club mates.

Your toddler and your baby are your absolute priorities here. Let him go on his ultimate guinea pig hunt. He sounds like a drama queen, and extremely childish, but also very unhappy and a bit pathetic. Maybe it's not a good relationship, maybe he's not bad, just wrong for you.

Looking after a child is a privilege, not a chore, and needs to take priority.

Yes, the issue is less that he likes to smoke a bit of dope and much more that he is selfish and sulky and obsessed with growing cannabis to the extent that he regards the OP's refusal to break the law and risk losing the family home as an unreasonable destruction of his dreams.

I seem to think this is a re run thread and advice has been asked about this before.
I don't think the advice will have changed.

Your partner is a waste of space. A complete loser. Is this the best you can do? Really? Your child should not be left with him at all and you are neglecting your child by continuing to allow this.
Ltb and put you and your children first. Let him risk prison by himself.