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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my partner should stop sulking about me forbidding him to grow pot at home?

71 replies

betenoire2012 · 15/10/2014 01:49

I'm 35 weeks pregnant. Partner likes a smoke in the evening to relax. He's a stay at home dad. Doesn't smoke around our toddler. Recently he's become obsessed with researching growing weed at home (saw the 'history' on our shared pc), despite us arguing countless times about how it's illegal, a family home, a rented home etc. He often silently sulks when he gets a deal which isn't very good quality (?) and when I asked him last night what was wrong he blew his top about how he's a 40 year old man and shouldn't have to buy off the streets. He also keeps saying it's my choice that he's wasting all my money on it.He's become so adamant that I'm preventing his life long dream (?) of growing his own, he even wants us to move out of rented and buy our own home so he can cultivate a plant in the loft without risking the landlord finding out (one of my many concerns). I feel totally helpless and alone in my supposedly happy final months of pregnancy. Although I usually confide in my mum about problems, this is a topic I really don't want her to know about, as I know she'd tell me to leave him/ throw him out.
He is so distant at the minute I would rather my mum or anyone else be my birthing partner...don't know what to do. My mum lives 10 hours (a flight) away and I just want to escape there with our DD who's 2, but I think it's too late in the pg for me to fly. Plus he doesn't have resources of his own as we live off my salary, so I don't know where/ how he'd go if I asked him to go...

OP posts:
WillkommenBienvenue · 15/10/2014 02:05

You let a dope head look after your toddler?

Step 1. Phone your Mum and ask her to be your birthing partner
Step 2. Ask partner to leave and come back when he has fully grown up.

momnipotent · 15/10/2014 02:10

he blew his top about how he's a 40 year old man and shouldn't have to buy off the streets

I would blow my top that he's a 40 year old man that feels the need to smoke weed even though he has a toddler that he is responsible for.

I would not leave this man alone with my child.

falafelburger · 15/10/2014 02:16

All other issues (and there are many) aside, where this rings alarm bells for me is that you share the house. If for whatever reason someone found out about the cannabis and the police came round, you would very probably be arrested for cultivation of cannabis as well as your partner.

You say your parents live abroad. I don't know where they are, or what nationality you are, but a simple arrest can affect your ability to travel to many countries or to return to the UK depending on your status - even if you aren't convicted of an offence afterwards. Just having an arrest record can make it difficult or impossible to obtain a visa for lots of places.

That's just one reason why your DP's proposed 'hobby' could have a huge effect on you and the rest of your family.

Here's some information from Release about the current sentencing guidelines for cannabis offences including cultivation. Prison is still a real possibility:

www.release.org.uk/blog/how-do-new-sentencing-guidelines-impact-cannabis-offences

Good luck.

Havegrownb4 · 15/10/2014 02:19

As my nic suggests, I have grown my own. I like a smoke to relax, I don't smoke around dc. I like quality green (not too damp, no seeds). I could go on, about automatics, light systems etc but that's not what you need to know. I no longer grow my own because the mother of my dgs asked me not to, and I agreed. (I only grew when my own dc had left home. Dgs is now a regular visitor, and neither of us wants him to associate the smell with normality.)

What you need to know is that, 40 or not (I'm older) he's a fucking waste of space.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/10/2014 02:23

Chuck him out. I don't actually think the occasional spliff is a terribly big deal but this man is prioritizing cannabis over everything else. He is fundamentally selfish and at the age of 40 he is unlikely to change.
Him having no money is not your problem.
Is his name on the tenancy agreement? If it is, contact the landlord/landlady and explain that you are ending your relationship but would like to remain in your home and have him removed from the agreement. It should be easy enough to do this - though if it isn't, look into moving. Also, get some advice regarding working tax credit and childcare - though if you earn enough to support this dope-smoking parasite, you earn enough to pay someone to look after your toddler while you work.
If his name is not on the tenancy agreement, tell him to leave. If he won't go, you will be able to call the police and have him removed.
THe law will recognise his children's right to have a relationship with him but you will be able to make him jump through a few hoops regarding contact. As he is a habitual drug user, you will be able to either block contact or insist it's supervised. A lazy stoner will quite probably give up quickly and disappear.

ShoesAndPsychology · 15/10/2014 02:27

Oh dear, I think you don't want to tell your mum because she'll be honest with you.
He sounds like a loser- 'growing a cannabis plant is his life long ambition.'
Prior to becoming pregnant did you also smoke it? I find it unusual you are quite so matter of fact that he smokes drugs to relax at night. You've obviously grown up & he's not, it can't be easy but I think you already know what's best for you & your children Flowers

Original poster
betenoire2012 · 15/10/2014 02:30

Sorry forgot to say we also live abroad, in the same country as my folks (France). Both British.

OP posts:
steff13 · 15/10/2014 02:33

I'm afraid I agree with the PP. Growing marijuana is illegal and doing so could put your tenancy and even your family at risk. It's simply not something he can do.

Original poster
betenoire2012 · 15/10/2014 02:36

Thanks for all the advice thus far...it's amazing how I've bern almost brainwashed into thinking this is normal and what a jolt from a stranger can do.Normally I'm quite independent but feel a bit like a doormat now. Action most definitely needs taking...hopefully while avoiding preterm labour!

OP posts:
Havegrownb4 · 15/10/2014 02:36

What are the French laws about growing at home for own use? Whatever, having a "life long dream" about growing a plant in the loft shows a) he knows fuck all about growing (esp the economics thereof) and b) he's still a self-centered wank who needs to grow up a bit.

Bulbasaur · 15/10/2014 04:10

Not sure how French law works, but most places breaking the law can make you lose citizenship.

Also, seeing as how its your house, you'd be an accomplice.

Ditch him. He's 40, not 14 anymore.

iPaddy · 15/10/2014 06:26

He's an addict, behaving the way an addict would if their addiction was challenged.

Where/when does he smoke if he's a stay at home Dad?

What are you going to tell your children about drugs when they are pre-teens / teenagers?

You have been conditioned to think this is acceptable behaviour but really it's not.

MaryWestmacott · 15/10/2014 06:46

Have you posted about him wanting to grow at home before? I've read a similar thread from someone in france in rented house with a DP who wanted to grow his own. I believe we all said "throw him out, where he goes is his problem" then.

Call your mum and tell her what's going on, get some outsider views in. Smoking each night when you have small dcs isn't normal.

Penfold007 · 15/10/2014 06:58

Cultivation of cannabis in France carries a ten year prison sentence, just for your information.

hackmum · 15/10/2014 07:02

I'm sure we had this one a few months ago, didn't we?

DaisyFlowerChain · 15/10/2014 07:03

The home growing is the least of your problems, why on earth would you have children with another adult who uses drugs?

cardamomginger · 15/10/2014 07:07

Bloody hell OP.
LTB. For all the reasons PPs have said.

combust22 · 15/10/2014 07:09

Cocklodger.

If he is caught you may lose your children for failing to safeguard them. If he grows you too could be convicted of being an accomplice if it could be proved that you knew what was going on. You wouldn't even have to be involved in the growing- just aware that is was happening- and that may be difficult to wriggle out of.

In any case you risk losing your kids.

What is more important?

MidniteScribbler · 15/10/2014 07:14

about how he's a 40 year old man and shouldn't have to buy off the streets

A 40 year old man should also realise that growing drugs could get him arrested.

Hissy · 15/10/2014 07:14

SAHD? he's out of work, smokes dope and sulks when you tell him that he has to abide by the law?

his 'life's ambition' is to grow pot? not earn enough for his family not to worry about stuff, not be a role model his children can look up to?

just growing his own plant? a dope plant?

wow. what a dad/man to be proud of. NOT.

why are you funding this idiot? from what I hear, childcare provision is excellent in France. tell him to get himself a job, earn his keep, stop smoking dope or leave.

if he's finding life so stressful that he can't have an evening without dope to relax/recover from his day, then perhaps doing what he's doing is not right for him.

he doesn't look like a SAHD from here. more like a cock lodger. worse, he's usung money YOU worked for, family money, to smoke dope.

MrsWolowitz · 15/10/2014 07:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

merrymouse · 15/10/2014 07:17

a 40 year old man and shouldn't have to buy off the streets.

Because a sign of maturity is getting somebody to buy you a house so you can grow your own?

BMW6 · 15/10/2014 07:22

Bloody hell OP, you've hitched your wagon to a real star Hmm

He is a manchild. Dopehead. Cocklodger. Apart from some sperm what does he contribute to your relationship and wellbeing??

His "life's ambition" is a real gem - what a hero. Excellent role model for your DC.

I truly believe you would be better off as a single parent than with this abomination. Get rid asap.

sneepy · 15/10/2014 07:22

How is your mom a 10 hour flight away if you both live in France?

mummytime · 15/10/2014 07:23

"Cannabis isn't addictive though is it?"
People said for a long time that Tobacco wasn't addictive. I have been somewhere that had a significant population who had been smoking for 20+ years, just looking at them you would have thought that it must be addictive.

OP what is he bringing to this relationship? Not money, not childcare of an adequate standard, so what? Is this what you want for your children? To grow up with a pot head and a mother who does everything.

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