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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this for real?

68 replies

MarmiteMania · 14/10/2014 20:19

2nd marriage to dh, very happy. He has never cheated (on anyone) before and lovely, decent guy. A close friend of his has asked dh to allow a female work colleague of his to 'shadow' dh in business, to see if the field is for her. This would mean them working closely for at least six months. She is, in the friend's words ''beautiful'', she is also single and an heiress of a well known British brand. Dh could apparently benefit by the business her family could bring.

I know I'm being pathetic and unreasonable, and that people work with attractive people in offices. It's just that dh is self employed and not office based, so they really would be spending an awful lot of time just the two of them.

Well???

OP posts:
wantacatplease · 14/10/2014 20:22

YABU, but I think you know that a little. Here's some Brew.

If he's lovely, and decent, and never cheated, then you really need to trust him. He deserves your trust. And the ability to grow his business.

grocklebox · 14/10/2014 20:24

well what? are you being unreasonable to assume your husband will fuck a woman because she is pretty and near him a lot, in the absence of any indication that he would do such a thing?

of course you are.

happyyonisleepyyoni · 14/10/2014 20:28

Sounds like the plot for a bad chick lit book. What "profession" requires 7 months work shadowing?

SkinnyDipChunkyDunk · 14/10/2014 20:28

I'm going to be completely honest here because I don't want you to make the same mistake I did.

Same situation 3 years ago, jealously got the better of me and I drove myself mad, got depressed and was sure that my DP was cheating on me with this other woman.

Well, he left me because I really was making our life difficult over it.

Don't make the same mistake OP, my DP was a lovely perfect person and wouldn't have hurt me but due to my insecurities I ruined something that was amazing.

MuttonCadet · 14/10/2014 20:32

I don't think you have anything to worry about, but it doesn't hurt to introduce yourself to DH work colleagues, you become more "real" that way.

fizzymittens · 14/10/2014 20:37

If he wants to cheat on you, he will. If he wants to leave you, he will. We cannot control what others do as they have free will just as you do. The fact is that he has chosen to be with you and loves you - so enjoy him!

Jealousy is a relationship killer. Don't let it get the better of you.

Original poster
MarmiteMania · 14/10/2014 20:41

Thank you all of you, Skinnydip I am so grateful for your honesty. The difference is that I know he wouldn't as when I met him he refused to sleep with me till his decree absolute came (even tho ex cheated and was separated).

Guess I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself having to think of temptation next to him on a daily basis.

Yes it does sound like a bad chick lit..

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 14/10/2014 20:55

OP, think how insulted you would feel if the situation was reversed and your DH was worried you'd cheat on him with a goodlooking colleague.
You have said that you know he wouldn't cheat, so stop worrying and carry on appreciating the good man you've got.

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 14/10/2014 21:06

You will need to get your head back on straight OP. Why did your "friend" or DH tell you how this woman looked? I'd be MORE worried about that than anything else.

My DH is an actor and has to be around very attractive women regularly...he had to kiss one last month for an ad. I don't look...it's not real. Your DH could just as well cheat with a plain woman.

Original poster
MarmiteMania · 14/10/2014 21:09

Gruntfuttock it's more an emotional affair I'm paranoid about- but thanks you're right of course and having been married previously to a serial cheat I very much appreciate him

OP posts:
jamtoast12 · 14/10/2014 21:14

To be honest I wouldn't like it. I just don't think people need to put themselves in these situations which can potentially turn into more no matter how much we think they won't. He's not getting anything out her shadowing (and doesn't even know her) so why risk it. 6 months in a very long time.

Besides a lot of people know their partners wouldn't cheat, but not all partners are given the opportunity to get close daily to someone else, so no actual potential for it to develop further. Not saying you shouldn't trust him, not saying he will cheat as he sound like he wouldn't obviously but I wouldn't like it.

Original poster
MarmiteMania · 14/10/2014 21:16

ClapHands dh's friend copied them both into an email to introduce them to each other, which extolled both of their virtues- hers was that she is highly intelligent "As well as beautiful if you don't mind me adding". And dh showed me the email.

I guess I am paranoid as I know how lucky I am with dh, always told by my friends too good to be true.. And I am cynical in my old age...

OP posts:
Original poster
MarmiteMania · 14/10/2014 21:21

I don't like it either jamtoast- the strange thing is that I have never reacted in jealousy before- have had single aquaintances openly telling me (and dh) they would be in there if he wasn't married- water off a duck's back to me, just laughed it off. But this? My instinct screams trouble.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/10/2014 21:23

"As well as beautiful if you don't mind me adding"

But that's just one person's opinion

And anyway, he might be sucking up to her a bit for his own sake

WhoDaresWins · 14/10/2014 21:25

I mean this is the nicest possible way but it takes two people to cheat and if she's that rich, beautiful and clever, she's probably got her pick of men. Would she go for your DH? No offence, I'm sure he's lovely but you know what I mean!

SkinnyDipChunkyDunk · 14/10/2014 21:27

Marmite I thought the same thing, that DP was too good for me even though he told me how perfect I was for him everyday.

Honestly please listen to me as someone who you can think of when you're feeling insecure.

I was so happy, so content in what was the most perfect relationship and because I was so sure that this woman was better looking, more intelligent and wasn't covered in baby vomit I knew that she was going to whisk him away from me.

She moved on in the company and never saw DP again but after that I had imprinted my beliefs so firmly in my head that I was sure DP was seeing her or someone else in the company.

He left me because I became too much, I was accusing him everyday and sitting there crying because he was with someone who was better than me.

He left me and the day that he did he told me how perfect we were together, how he would never have done anything to hurt me and how he would have never looked at another woman the way he looked at me because I was his everything, I chose to not believe this while with him but now he left and told me after everything that this was the truth I ruined something that I had searched for for a very long time and every single day I wake up with regret.

I know my situation is extreme but honestly when DP told me about working with her my first thought was 'I don't really like that' and it escalated from there.

I wish there was someone who told me this before I ruined the best thing that I have ever had.

VoyagerII · 14/10/2014 21:29

Tbh it sounds to me as if it's the friend who has the hots for the woman. He's making this arrangement for her with your DH as some kind of favour to her and he makes remarks that she's beautiful. He perhaps wants dh to agree with him about this too. If your dh is generally nice and trustworthy I wouldn't worry. I can see why your previous relationship with a cheater would make it spring to mind though. Is it maybe ringing bells with you about anything that happened with your ex?

Having said all that, 6 months seem unnecessary. I think of a shadowing arrangement as something that goes on for a week or two.

Cornettoninja · 14/10/2014 21:30

Group email? My mind goes to three options:

  1. your dh's mate is playing matchmaker - highly unlikely imho

  2. the mate is making a play/has a very flirty relationship with her - much more plausible than 1

  3. she's fairly hard work and needs a lot of compliments/schmoozing to stay on the right side of (which a lot of people will probably be willing to do given her social status) - about as likely as 2 and still more likely than 1

I think the tone of the email has rubbed you the wrong way. You genuinely have no real facts or even plausible hunches to base your reluctance or dislike about the women on.

Sorry, but at this point in time yabu. They haven't even met and you've got them holed up in a hotel room! I truely hope it never happens as you sound happy together, but if he's going to cheat you are not going to be able to do anything about it. Premonitions of guilt aren't good enough to pass over opportunities for.

ViviPru · 14/10/2014 21:32

Your DHs friend sounds a bit of an idiot.

I am coming at this from a different perspective to most as your circumstance sound similar.

My DH is self employed and while he manages a lot of contractors, his day-to-day operation is ostensibly alone. I'm not sure I'd be thrilled about your proposed situation for a variety of reasons, not least being that my DH is mega busy and stretched and someone shadowing him so closely with no experience of the business for that length of time would be a complication and a drain on his time/resources.

DH now has a project manager working for him, although she works from home. She is lovely, attractive and capable. They spend a great deal of time on the phone together and at least an afternoon a week working together in person. I knew her before she worked with DH, I primarily see her as an asset to his business. She is happily married as are we and I trust DH implicitly and do not have any concerns about this situation whatsoever.

BUT, were she single, DHs type, remarkably beautiful, spending all day every day with him while not particularly bringing any tangible benefit to the business, I might start to feel a little uncomfortable with the set up.

CocktailQueen · 14/10/2014 21:33

6 months us a heck of a shadow. Surely she would know whether the job was for her within a couple of weeks?

Apart from that, agree with the others - sounds like your dh is a good 'un and won't cheat!

bluetoes · 14/10/2014 21:33

If you don't like it then tell him. Should be OK to discuss, no? As for whether or not he will cheat on you, that's highly unlikely to do with how beautiful some people might find her. If you feel worried about it, then talk to him.

Cornettoninja · 14/10/2014 21:35

Actually, is your dh's friend married/in a relationship? Maybe that's what you've picked up on?

My dp has a couple of friends who clearly don't think much of monogamy, he doesn't spend that much time with them, but they do make me edgy. Influences I suppose.

zippyandbungle · 14/10/2014 21:38

Remember Bridget jones and her insane jealous love rival turned out to be a lesbian in love with her.

Original poster
MarmiteMania · 14/10/2014 21:54

You're right Worra. WhoDares depends how old she is.. If 20's sure..but 30's/40's? Not so easy to meet someone decent.

Skinny i so appreciate you sharing, and I will learn from you. Did you try councelling? We all learn from our mistakes, look forwards now, not backwards. There are other good men.

Thanks cornerttoninja, I want to be told iabu! In the email the friend was equally complimentary about dh. Friend happily married- but I'm wondering how he'd like it if his own wife was to be 'shadowed' by a gorgeous young guy!! Voyager I also think 6 months is unreasonable!

Even though dh would never physically cheat, the thought that he's even want to... Thinking of you Skinny and reining myself in now x

OP posts:
needyoumorethanwantyou · 14/10/2014 21:56

You're not 'lucky' to have him if you feel that you're lucky because he doesn't cheat - that should be a given!.

To be honest, I have known the most apparently unlikely people to cheat so I don't think anyone should assume it won't happen to them (I'm not being mean, it happens a lot, look at the Relationships board!).

So I think what I'm trying to say is that if you're concerned because he'll be working with a beautiful person and might be tempted; well then he's a cheat and a tool.

It doesn't matter how much 'temptation' is in his life, he'll cheat if he's a cheat. And it won't be your fault or hers. It'll be his fault.

And it's unreasonable to think she might be up for some sort of affair with your DP when she might be in a relationship anyway or just completely disinterested in your DP in that way.

Unless we're dealing with your fear that she'd want him and he'd be unable to resist and then that's still his problem. The comedian Chris Rock has done stand-up in the past about men being 'as faithful as their options' which is the case sometimes IMO but that's another thread entirely and still the fault of the man.

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