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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this for real?

68 replies

MarmiteMania · 14/10/2014 20:19

2nd marriage to dh, very happy. He has never cheated (on anyone) before and lovely, decent guy. A close friend of his has asked dh to allow a female work colleague of his to 'shadow' dh in business, to see if the field is for her. This would mean them working closely for at least six months. She is, in the friend's words ''beautiful'', she is also single and an heiress of a well known British brand. Dh could apparently benefit by the business her family could bring.

I know I'm being pathetic and unreasonable, and that people work with attractive people in offices. It's just that dh is self employed and not office based, so they really would be spending an awful lot of time just the two of them.

Well???

OP posts:

combust22 · 14/10/2014 22:07

"Shadowing" for 6 months? I have never heard of such an odd thing. Mentoring for a couple of weeks perhaps,

How does your OH feel about this? Have you spoken to him about your discomfort. I know my OH would hate this situation, he doesn't like having people in his face, particularly at work, and would find a 6 month shadow quite invasive.

The whole set up sounds strange.

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 14/10/2014 22:35

Needyoumore I didn't express myself properly- the reason I am lucky to have him is certainly not because he doesn't cheat- that is obviously a given.

I guess though I know (with as much certainty as there is) that he won't cheat, I just don't relish the thought of him working closely with a gorgeous, ambitious nymph! What wife would?!

Combust22 dh doesn't know exactly how long it will be at this stage, 6 months was just a guess of his. I also thought it was a bit of an ask from his friend, but due to her family business it could be very good for dh. He's a people person, and wouldn't find it invasive at all.

I have made a couple of comments to dh to which he seemed upset at the insinuation- but I don't want to be the Bunny Boiler

OP posts:

combust22 · 14/10/2014 22:43

"I just don't relish the thought of him working closely with a gorgeous, ambitious nymph! What wife would?! "

I don't think I would be too worried.
As others have said if he wants to cheat then he could in other situations.
If my OH cheated then I would kick him out of the door and be glad I found out his true colours- his loss.

figgieroll · 14/10/2014 22:45

If he truly loves you, he will stay with you

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/10/2014 22:45

Have you discussed any of this with your DH, combust22?

I don't mean the fact of you turning into a green eyed monster, simply because this is a woman (I take it you wouldn't be in this state if your DH's friend had suggested a man shadowed your DH at work for 6 months).

I mean have you discussed this with your DH in terms of the advantages v disadvantages to his business if he does this; whether 6 months is a required period to see all aspects of the business or whether it's a silly time span, plucked from the air; whether having to mentor and accommodate someone else in his daily routine would have a disadvantageous effect on family life (presumably he has a current routine that suits you both).

If you have discussed it, then what does he say? If you haven't discussed it, why haven't you?

GlitterIsJustVampireAsh · 14/10/2014 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

combust22 · 14/10/2014 22:47

adish- are you asking me or the OP?

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 14/10/2014 22:56

ADish I think the figure of 6 months has indeed been plucked from the sky. At this point neither dh or I know the finer details of how it lt'll work, but he's self employed, able to plan his own day or take time off when he pleases (taking a day off for my birthday), so I assume she'll just tag along with him to meetings, lunch etc.

OP posts:

needyoumorethanwantyou · 14/10/2014 22:57

Think of it this way; he's lucky to have you!.

If he loves you and is committed to you then she could drape herself over a desk naked and he wouldn't do anything. Extremely unlikely she'd do that but if he's a cheat, he'll cheat. If he's not, then he won't - it won't matter how beautiful or alluring she is.

And I agree with previous poster that single women aren't usually plotting to shag married men. I've had had a few married men come on to me (not a boast, some men just try it on) and I told them to jog on.

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 14/10/2014 23:03

Thanks needyou, he isn't a cheat, I guess I'm just pathetic and don't like the thought of him working so close to someone he may have gone for if wasn't with me!

Will consider all your wise words, thanks all for responding.

OP posts:

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/10/2014 23:15

"neither dh or I know the finer details of how it lt'll work, but he's self employed, able to plan his own day or take time off when he pleases (taking a day off for my birthday)"

All the more reason that you have to discuss all the things (and maybe more) I've mentioned earlier.

At the moment you are focusing on a problem that doesn't exist and ignoring the problems that might exist.

sykadelic · 14/10/2014 23:58

You cannot safeguard your relationship by not having her shadow. He can't avoid pretty women all the time.

Looks aren't everything, and if his head CAN be turned, he isn't worthy of you anyway.

I totally understand why it would make you freak out a little, and you're not unreasonable to feel that way (people who love do crazy things!) but it'll be okay. It won't be as bad as you think I'm sure :)

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 15/10/2014 00:17

If you've got this fairy tale romance that you're on about and he is so blardy perfect. What are you worrying for.

jamtoast12 · 15/10/2014 07:06

I don't agree with the concept that if he's a cheat then he'll cheat and visa verse. Not all men are given the opportunity. Many men can meet a nice person on holiday or a night out or at a work party but they don't spend that long with them so it never develops further etc. spending 6 months with someone opens up a while new ball game, not just for people who are capable of being a cheat, but for anyone who may find them attractive. When younger I think many men will cheat for the fun aspect etc but as they get older and have kids etc most men who do cheat, do so because they find a deeper connection we someone else. The vast majority of married men don't risk their marriages IMO for a one off thing, it's usually a more deeper thing.

I'm not saying the op dh will cheat at all. He may not even find her attractive! But if he does and they get on well, he has more opportunity to cheat than if he met her briefly etc.

This is all worst case scenario though so not trying to panic etc just saying why I would not do this. Dh would not be happy either as it's putting unnecessary risks on your marriage. It hasn't happened yet and it's already a concern for you. If he knows you'll worry then why would he do it if there's no benefit to him at all.

ViviPru · 15/10/2014 08:11

I agree Jam. This is exactly what happened to my best friend, actually. He's not what most would deem universally attractive, has always worked in male dominated environments and struggled to meet women. He met his DW online and they built one of the most solid and happy marriages together.

I've known him since he was 16 and he was the last person in the world I'd have expected to cheat. But he did, he left his wife and 4y/o when he fell in love with a woman who had started working in his department (a very rare occurrence) and their jobs meant they spent a great deal of time together. He had never had that level of female contact with anyone except his DW (and me but that's another story) and as Jam said, over time he was able to forge a deeper connection with her. I simply don't believe he would have cheated if it weren't for this circumstance arising. That's not to condone what he did, I'm actually still struggling to come to terms with it.

But it is also why I do believe him when he says it wouldn't happen again. I genuinely believe he would never jeopardise his family for a dalliance arising from a brief encounter and he now recognises that he allowed this affair to develop in the first instance without even realising, as it was such an unfamiliar circumstance for him to be in that he didn't recognise what was happening until he was in too deep, emotionally. If he were to find himself in this unlikely position again, (that being a female colleague he was required to spend a lot of time with) he would have learned from his experience and would not want to repeat the year of hell he's just had (entirely his own fault). His now reconciled DW believes this so I have to give him the benefit of the doubt too. I guess time will tell.

I guess what my point is is that there are exceptions, I don't believe it's black and white and men will either cheat or not, and that sometimes it's an extraordinary set of circumstances which play a pivotal role in whether they do.

ViviPru · 15/10/2014 08:20

I might add that I'm not suggesting every man who finds themselves in circumstances like my friend would allow it to develop, simply that on occasion, the most unexpected behaviours can arise when people are in unfamiliar situations.

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 15/10/2014 08:25

Liveinalighthouse your post sounds a little resentful? Thanks Sykadelic, your advice is very pragmatic, but the cynical in me agrees with Jamtoast12 in that I guess I'm concerned spending that amount of time with her, there's always a chance he'll find a deeper connection. From what I know she seems to be the opposite of me- younger, highly ambitious (like dh) whereas I'm content with my family. Our second marriage, no children together.

I'm going to talk to dh properly and tell him my concerns and I expect him to put our marriage and happiness above any business advantage!

OP posts:

JustAShopGirl · 15/10/2014 08:32

are you generally a jealous person? Did your DH show you the email so that you were pre-warned that he was going to be working with a "beautiful" woman?

just sounds like what my DH would do since he knows I had issues with a lying, cheating, git who slept his way round the workforce in the past.....

Montegomongoose · 15/10/2014 08:36

Your DH friend sounds like a sexist dickhead. Or perhaps he is Terry Thomas?

I'd speak to your DH and tell him what you've said here. Being vulnerable is crap, but so is string to pretend you are OK with something when you're not.

Chances are he'll be astonished but understanding and will at least go into this 'arrangement' with your feelings at heart.

Agree with pp that it all sounds a bit wooly; get them to agree some concrete aims, objectives and timescales with regular reviews and get the whole thing on a more professional footing.

Six months is far too long to 'shadow' - what is she trying to achieve?

Does your DH really need the faint prospect of her family business or could he not just to Terry Thomas a favour and have her there for a month tops, thanks very much?

NannyPhlegm · 15/10/2014 09:53

Hang on, why are people saying that 6 months is too long? As part of my qualification I shadowed my mentor for 12 months, as that was the length of the project and I had to prove my involvement in every stage of the project. My mentor was a lovely man, married with kids. I was 22 at the time and I like to think I was good looking. There was never any suggestion of anything other than a professional relationship.

If his wife, or my boyfriend (now dh) had suffered from the baseless jealousy you describe, I would never have qualified, and wouldn't be in the position I am today!

Trust is the bedrock of any relationship. If one of you breaks the trust, then take action. Why ruin something based on nothing but the demons in your head?

NannyPhlegm · 15/10/2014 10:01

I work in a male-dominated field. Often I am the only woman in the room. I often have to work in close collaboration with other members of the team, who are all without exception male.

Not once has one single male made an unwanted advance towards me. Not once has my husband expressed any jealousy about my relationship with my colleagues, who are also my friends. Not once have my colleagues' wives treated me with anything other than respect.

Reading this thread is making me so very grateful for the circles I move in. My career would otherwise have been finished ages ago, by mistrust and misplaced jealousy

FriendlyLadybird · 15/10/2014 10:13

I'm self-employed and work quite closely with a couple of men who run complementary businesses. When we have meetings we either meet in coffee shops or, sometimes, go round to each other's houses.

Right at the beginning, my DH asked me, "Do I have to be jealous?" I said, "No." I'm not sure I'd describe either of these men as particularly handsome, though I dare say their wives think they are. I do like them and get on with them -- but that's it.

The woman may or may not be beautiful, by the way, but I bet she absolutely loathed that email. Yuck.

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 15/10/2014 11:32

Justashopgirl this may sound weird but this is honestly the first time I've felt like this- not a jealous person. Like you my ex h also slept his way round but he's a tosser and dh isn't so I don't think that's making me insecure. Dh showed me the email as he had no reason not to- I've never exhibited jealousy before!

Montegomongoose I'm going to suggest a month to him. That should be more than enough to see if the business is for her. Just seems to me to be more of a favour you would do for a friend's son, not someone you don't know.

I am very upset with the friend as don't think it shows me much respect; perhaps he just didn't think. I couldn't care less about new business for dh, very happy without it. Yes I am vulnerable- Only last week dh told me he feels so happily married- as do i- (With cheating ex I was glad to be rid of him) That's why I feel vulnerable

OP posts:

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 15/10/2014 11:44

Nanny perhaps I just need some sense knocking into me, thanks.

Friendly, a paragraph on its own, after describing each of their attributes, said "dh meet .....- ..... meet dh". Yuk indeed!!!

OP posts:

skylark2 · 15/10/2014 11:47

Six months work shadowing? Isn't it normally a week at absolute most?

As she's rolling in it and your DH is self employed, I wonder if DH's friend sees this as a way for him to have some free labour?

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