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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this for real?

68 replies

MarmiteMania · 14/10/2014 20:19

2nd marriage to dh, very happy. He has never cheated (on anyone) before and lovely, decent guy. A close friend of his has asked dh to allow a female work colleague of his to 'shadow' dh in business, to see if the field is for her. This would mean them working closely for at least six months. She is, in the friend's words ''beautiful'', she is also single and an heiress of a well known British brand. Dh could apparently benefit by the business her family could bring.

I know I'm being pathetic and unreasonable, and that people work with attractive people in offices. It's just that dh is self employed and not office based, so they really would be spending an awful lot of time just the two of them.

Well???

OP posts:

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 15/10/2014 11:59

Not in this case Skylark as she knows nothing about dh's business whatsoever, apparently she wants to understand the business and see if it's 'for her'.

OP posts:

ViviPru · 15/10/2014 14:09

Dipping a toe in an unfamiliar business to see if is 'for you' is NOT the same as "As part of my qualification I shadowed my mentor for 12 months, as that was the length of the project and I had to prove my involvement in every stage of the project" is it.

I did a year of industrial unpaid placements when I graduated but never for longer than a month at a time. The suggestion of 6 months is ridiculous and completely unnecessary; the beautiful single woman/OP insecurity is a side issue.

PiperRose · 15/10/2014 14:24

I know what we'll do, we'll not allow any women to work then these poor, easily tempted men will be able work without any distractions.

OP, this isn't directed at you , you KNOW you're being unreasonable. But really, some of the responses here are scary.

ViviPru · 15/10/2014 16:15

I'm not suggesting 'poor' men need to be protected from the temptation of female colleagues. My point was merely to counter the argument that if a man will cheat he'll cheat, so you either trust him or you don't.

My example was to illustrate an occasion whereby I genuinely believe that cheating would never have occurred had my friend not found himself in an unpreventable situation of unusually close, prolonged contact with someone in a working environment. That's very different to saying the woman involved shouldn't have been allowed to work there, which of course would be ridiculous.

ViviPru · 15/10/2014 16:16

(and also that does not mean to say that ALL men would have behaved as my friend did, just that he did and it was entirely out of character and unprecedented)

QueenofallIsee · 15/10/2014 16:28

I would be more concerned about a young attractive woman shadowing my self employed husband and nicking all his business to be honest - 6mths is plenty of time for that, combined with her pre existing contacts through her family

You are being U of course, in respect of the cheating ("and may I add very beautiful" - what a cringe! shudder) but I don't see what your DH is going to get out of such an arrangement. If he wants business with the big brand you can get that by being nice for 2 weeks.

moaningminnie2 · 15/10/2014 16:38

As a young beautiful heiress, I would imagine she can have her pick , why would she be interested in your DH particularly?

youareallbonkers · 15/10/2014 16:41

If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. Either trust him and let him get on with it or don't trust him and ruin the marriage.

HearMyRoar · 15/10/2014 16:42

If your husband worked in an office for a large organisation he would have absolutely no control over who he worked with so really I think you are being a bit silly. My DH works in a university and is surrounded by gorgeous, artsy young things, both colleagues and students. It's never crossed my mind to worry about it as you just can't dictate who your partner works with.

I do think 6 months shadowing just for the hell of it is a bit much though. If it was for a qualification, I could understand, but I'm surprised he would want to commit to that much in this case. It's up to your DH though if it is his business. He may see some value in it for the business.

ViviPru · 15/10/2014 16:45

I completely agree Queen

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 15/10/2014 16:47

Queenof her taking his long established contacts was what I was going to open the discussion with, although I would imagine that would have crossed his mind.

I am looking forward to an in-depth discussion with dh tonight if I can. I won't expect him to take my advice as to what is good for his business as he has been running it for over 20yrs but I will expect him to listen to how I feel.

OP posts:

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 15/10/2014 17:08

Moaning young for us means 30's.. In which case it's not that easy to meet someone decent! I'm not saying she would be interested; how could I say that?

HearMyRoar if dh worked in an office within a large organisation and was surrounded by pretty girls that would be one thing...but he works on his own (till now!) on the move including long distance journeys travelling to meetings, all of which she would be accompanying him on!

OP posts:

sykadelic · 15/10/2014 19:01

Hold on - just to be clear.

Your husband (lets call him Frank) works for himself.
Your Frank's friend (lets call him Sam) works for some company.
Sam works with some girl (lets call her Jill).
Sam asked Frank to allow his colleague Jill to follow him around doing his business so Jill could "learn" his business and that it might be good for both.

First how? If she was interested in doing business WITH him, why would she need to follow him around? If she wanted to start her own business doing what your husband does, why would your husband want to show her what he does (trade secrets etc)?

I'm not sure I understand how this would benefit your husband at all, the following that is. Meeting her and having a chat about what's involved and the benefits, might be good for her though. Can't imagine me meeting with the boss of Google and asking him to allow me to shadow...

Don't get me wrong, I stand by what I said before, but I simply don't understand the reasons for a "shadow" at all...

Perhaps you could suggest she come over for coffee and a chat about expectations and you could get a feel for her?

Frogisatwat · 15/10/2014 19:21

I run my own business and there is no way I would mentor someone in their hope to set up a similar gig.
I would also hate to be called beautiful in a professional email but I digress. ?

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 15/10/2014 19:24

Thanks Sykadelic, I just spoke to dh; made his day, he's delighted I feel a bit jealous as never seen it in me before! I have possibly over reacted

Told me he would initially be doing his close friend a favour and happy to help anybody (that is in his nature), but accepted that six months was way too long. She currently works for a top company and just wants to gain experience in another field.

Dh says he doesn't even know at this stage what she's looking for, but will meet her for a coffee to discuss. If he does agree to be 'shadowed', it would only be to certain meetings, and he would also palm her off to his partners during this time too.

I do feel better having spoken to dh as I made it clear I would not be happy in a situation where he was spending most of his time with her. He assured me, and I believe him that he would never risk our marriage. And now I know she is most likely in her 20's, I doubt very much she'd have the wrong kind of interest in a family guy in his 40's!

OP posts:

sykadelic · 16/10/2014 01:47

I'm glad you spoke to him and he had such a positive reaction to it!

I doubt he'd want someone ruining his "rhythm" anyway. I know that while I don't mind training people, it's quite tedious to answer 50 million questions a day.

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 16/10/2014 08:32

Thanks Syk, dh loves an audience never shuts up! But I agree with you. Thank you so much x

OP posts:

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 17/10/2014 00:22

No Marmite. I'm not resentful at all. I have nothing to be resentful about!.
If you don't like hearing different opinions then quite honestly don't ask questions on a world wide internet forum.
Glad the talk went well though, but that's my point proven. You had nothing to worry about.

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