to make DS rehome his guinea pigs

[clatterpillar]

We got DS guinea pigs when he was 13. He loved them and looked after them really well - they lived in an open pen in his room.

We realised at the time that they could outlive his interest in them and made a provisional plan - before buying - that they could go and live with his grandmother, who agreed.

3 years on, he has started A levels and has a busy social life. The guinea pigs now live in a hutch in the garden. They have not been out the hutch except when he cleans it and I frequently have to check they have hay. I checked them this morning and they had NO WATER in their bottle. This is the second time it has happened.

I have just talked to DS about it and he was uncommunicative but said he had forgotten them a bit and would try harder. I said this isn't good enough, and unless I see them getting some time out of the hutch and no more lapses in basic care, I will rehome them. There is also a family nearby who would like them. He will not consider these options and won't look me in the eye or discuss this properly.

For the guinea pigs' sake, they should be re-homed. However, have your DS arrange for this so he is aware of and deals with the consequences of his failure to propertly look after his pets

YANBU

Tough cookies to him. If he won't look after his pets then rehome them, especially if you have a willing taker

He needs to learn that you can't just opt out of looking after animals. They are dependant on him. I'm. Really torn on this tbh. On one hand they deserve a loving home and to be looked after properly and an alternate family would be clearly better. But at sane time he was old enough to understand when you got them what it would entail and I don't think. Getting rid of them cos he can't be arsed is setting a good example for future life.

Is not

as you said, him "trying a bit harder" isn't an acceptable solution I'm afraid. These are living animals that NEED looking after. If he can't do it they will need to be rehomed.

it's not up to him "not to consider" these options, you're the adult here, and unless he gives the poor GP's the time and attention that they need, I'd get them rehomed in the blink of an eye.

Give your DS a timeframe for him to step up to the mark, and if he doesn't, no more warnings.

I had to do this with my DD guinea pigs.
I gave her fair warning.
They were rehomed really quickly with a lovely family who came round to see them first.
They had 2 girls and they were so excited about them and I knew they'd have a much better home with them.
Luckily my DD agreed and off they went. They are very happy now.
We did have tears but she soon got over it.
Same happened with her hamster.
She was at school then working and didn't have the time so she had to go as well!
Kids and pets. Never again.

Gileswithachainsaw - What do you think IS a good example for future life? That his Mummy will pick up the slack whenever he can't be bothered?

No. That's why I said I'm torn because they should have a good home and be looked after properly.

He will be an adult soon and needs to learn how to look after himself and his pets and anyone he is responsible for.

He also needs to learn about sacrifices. And own up to the fact that he can't give them a home so he should find someone who can. Mum shouldn't rehome them he should. Because that's the right thing to do.

If she does it he's shirked his responsibilities on two counts.

It really needs to be him

G - I get your point, but sadly, it doesn't look like he is willing to do that, and in the meantime the poor GP's are going without playtime and food / water. To me it's a complete no brainer.

There's no way to win this one I guess. All he's going to learn is mummy will sort it. Or if he ignores it then it goes away.

Maybe a compromise. No Internet/money/lifts etc until he calls the family to come and take them?

I would rehome them, but make it not about his failure to take care. It would be good to involve him in the decision to do it. He does sound like he has lost interest, but doesn't want to admit it, as he probably feels a bit guilty about his change of feelings towards them. I would talk to him and say that you appreciate that he has other priorities in his life right now, but the guinea pigs need care and attention, and that the best option is to go to the family with the younger children who will get the most joy out of them. I say this because I was like your teenage son, and I wish my parents had approached the issue in a non-confrontational way.

I have said I want to see them having time out of the hutch today and at least every other day.

Things are already tense between us because of his attitude.

My fear is that he will push me to rehome them and make me the witch who took away his pets and not feel guilty that he let them down.

I said that I quite understood that he had a lot on his plate with A levels etc and that it was quite understandable that he was finding it difficult to find time for them.

But the fact is that he used to get a lot of enjoyment from playing with them, they would tuck up in bed with him when he was watching a film in the evening, lots of cuddles, they responded really well to him. So now, why would he even want them if they are just a tamigotchi style pet he merely keeps alive.

The right thing to do is to provide the guinea pigs you took responsibility for with a decent life. They should not be discarded because you or your son is bored with them.
Your son was a child when you got them and so the duty falls to you both.

I think you are allowing him to forget about them by saying "he has a lot on with his A levels". I'm sorry, but that is just absolute crap. I've had 1 DS complete A levels and have a part-time job, I have another one just start his A2s and he has a part-time job. Our hamsters have not been neglected, they have been got out ever single night, they are fed, water changed daily and cleaned at least every 3-4 days. I would be down on them (well DS2 now because DS1 has moved out) like a tonne of bricks.

Stop enabling him. Get the guinea pigs back in the house and make sure they are looked after properly.

Yes, send them to his gran. If this was always on the cards, what is the issue?

It's a bit cold for pigs to be outside now, too.

FairyCaravan those were the terms I used to open the conversation with him, to enable a discussion rather than make him defensive. I'm not sure why you think I should get the guinea pigs back in the house though, what difference would that make

Can they move back inside where they are harder to "forget" / he's not going to have to go out in the cold and dark to see to them?

They have a thermal cover, heat pad, good quality hutch with enclosure, snug, etc.

Having the guinea pigs back in the house might address the care issues, but I wonder whether it would bring back that love he used to have for them. My guess is that it wouldn't and you'd probably end up having to nag him more about them. You set out your expectations at the start by telling him that they would be rehomed with his grandmother if they outlived his interest, so it couldn't come as a shock to him that you are proposing this. Having said that, it can be hard to let go of things you feel you've outgrown, especially as they are a living animal. But the guinea pigs will be able to bring joy to another family, and be loved, so it is for the best.

If they are in the house, in his room he won't be able to "forget" them will he?

It's getting cold now, it is down right cruel to leave animals outside with no water. How long was it since they were fed? How about clean hay, some fresh greens? We used to keep Guinea Pigs, I am at a loss as to how someone could forget them.

I wouldn't have cared if he had become defensive, tbh. He had been cruel to his pets!

I think the pigs should be back inside too. It is no wonder he forgets if they are shoved into the garden to become a chore. If the pigs are used to being in side with lots of cuddles then that is what they should have.
How come they were put in the garden?

Out of sight is out of mind. If the pigs are inside and he sees them all the time it's obvious whether they need to be cleaned out or their water bottle is empty. If they are outside then he needs to think "I must go and check on the GPs", not get distracted by something else, go outside (in the weather that's likely to be coming up, pause to put on coats, raincoats, etc., and maybe get a torch to take out with him), check on them, come back inside to get what he needs, etc., etc..

In one case they are inside and part of everyday life. In the other they are shoved outside and become a chore.

It may not be a magical fix, but it'll be at least ten times more difficult for him to ignore them.

Fairy it is not a case of not 'caring if he became defensive', it is a case of framing the conversation in the way most likely to have a positive outcome.

I don't think it's downright cruel to have them outside, although I'm not expert. I took advice and was told that with the thermal cover, fleece snug, heat pad and deep hay, it was perfectly fine.

He did still give them their vegetables and hay.

While I do agree that it's out of sight out of mind, I don't agree that the answer is to bring them in again. Either he wants them or he doesn't. If he's not enjoying having them, they should go somewhere better.