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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is this mum?

66 replies

TraceyTrickster · 14/10/2014 01:37

My daughter has a lovely friend at school and she is a delight to have around.

My daughter is an only, her friend is one of several. I have invited friend around for days out and to stay and not once has the mother reciprocated...which I accept due to space being tight at their place/having plenty of kids to manage.

I have taken the daughter on several days out, and the mother does not supply as much as a water bottle. I supply lunch, ice creams and entrance fees.
I am now miffed as mother has announced that her husband and she are taking year off their jobs to travel (with kids) on a yacht. Surely if they can afford to do that the mum could at least supply her daughter with a packed lunch for days out of offer to pay for entrance fees (prob would not accept but I am job seeking at mo).

So AIBU or is she just rude? (she is the only parent who I have come across who does not offer anything for her child's days with us...and I entertain plenty of kids at home and at park)

OP posts:

AimlesslyPurposeful · 14/10/2014 01:47

I guess people just prioritise their spending differently. No doubt they have been saving for this trip so if someone else seems happy enough to pay for their DDs days out then they were happy to let that happen.

I understand your frustration though. I certainly wouldn't send my DCs on days out with their friends without offering to pay or giving them spending money but lots of people do. I think, when you offer to to take your DCs friends out in future you'll have to do it without expectations or don't do it at all.

MokunMokun · 14/10/2014 01:48

She is rude! Why not try asking her to bring a packed lunch with her and judge her reaction? It's a perfectly reasonable request.

TsukuruTazaki · 14/10/2014 01:52

Rude

DeWee · 14/10/2014 09:46

Have you said though "Please send her with a packed lunch"? Because if you haven't she may well not have thought of it.
If I'm taking children out then I'll either say "please send a packed lunch" or pay for them to eat out if that's what I'm doing.
If I invite a child to join us, then I'd expect to pay, although, I do agree that it is polite to offer, and always would.

People tend to judge by what they would do. So if she is thinking "if I'd taken them out then I'd expect to buy them a lunch and pay for them" she probably thinks the same is true of you.

gentlehoney · 14/10/2014 09:51

The person who invites pays usually. It would not occur to me that anyone might begrudge a child a few sandwiches or entrance fee.
If you don't want to pay for her, don't invite her!

TheWitTank · 14/10/2014 09:51

YANBU. It is rude to not even offer anything towards trips or extend an invite to play at theirs. I must say that I never expect anything towards trips I invite my children's friends on, money or food. If I invite then it's my treat. The other parents always offers though which is nice!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 14/10/2014 09:52

If I was taking one of DDs friends out for the day I would expect to cater for them in with whatever we are having. It would be nice if they would offer to contribute entrance fees to wherever, but I would decline as I extended the invite.

The only thing they should provide is a bit spends for the shop at the end (if there is one).

RoadRunner123 · 14/10/2014 09:55

I think YABU. If my son gets invited for a day out, I assume it is because they want his company and are taking him for a day out.

If I realised there was hidden agenda of me paying for the day out they've planned and me unwittingly getting myself into a tit for tat situation, I would think twice about saying yes!

FelixTitling · 14/10/2014 10:04

The mum is being a little thoughtless to not ask if she needs to bring anything. If she were to reciprocate, then I actually would think this was ok. However, she's unlikely to do this if she has several children and is saving for a big trip.

I think you need to be clearer about what the invite is for:

"We are going to Alton towers on sat and wondered if friend would like to come? She'll need a packed lunch and a drink, plus a little spending money"

Or whatever.

Either that, or stop asking her on expensive trips out. Can't she just come over for a play, or trip to the park?

Eva50 · 14/10/2014 10:06

YABU. If you are inviting a child for a day out then you should pay. If someone invited ds out I wouldn't offer entrance fees or a packed lunch. I would give him spending money and possibly money for an icecream for everyone. I wouldn't expect another parent to pay if I invited their child. It would be nice if she were to invite your dd back but perhaps she doesn't do play dates. Either invite the child simply because your dd enjoys their company or invite a different child whose parents will reciprocate.

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 14/10/2014 10:08

I'm on the fence as if someone invited one of my dc out for the day I would offer to pay/provide a lunch out of politnedd but I would really be expecting them to pay/provide lunch. I wouldn't invite someone else out for the day if I couldn't afford to pay. However I would be reciprocating the offer at some point so costs would even out. If I was not in a position to reciprocate then I would force a £20 note on you to pay for dc ice creams/chips etc and be thankful that you had taken them out.

pictish · 14/10/2014 10:09

I certainly don't expect parents to provide a packed lunch if their kids are out with me for the day! Who does?
If I'm taking them out by my own invitation and choice, then their day is my responsibility including their meals, entrance fees etc.
If I can't afford another, I don't invite them.

I think yabu. Your dd is on her own so you're compelled to arrange company for her...which is good and right - BUT the other mum has enough on her plate, and more company than she can shake a stick at, so adding another is not a priority for her.

I don't think she's rude - I think her life is different to yours.

Ragwort · 14/10/2014 10:09

I think she is being rude and unthoughtful however as the mother of an 'only' child myself I sort of look at it as one the costs involved in having an only child - and a lot cheaper than having more than one child .

I often invite another child along on a day out to keep my DS amused and I just accept that this might involve extra expense - some parents do offer, but I must admit that I prefer a invitation in return - as that gives me a break - but of course it doesn't always happen.

playftseforme · 14/10/2014 10:12

YABU. If I invite one of dd's friends out for day, i pay for everything. It's a treat. If we are having a picnic, then I'll bring enough for the guest, wouldn't expect them to bring their own.
It seems to be the same in reverse, when dd gets invited out I do check if she needs to bring anything.

pictish · 14/10/2014 10:14

personally, my heart sinks a little if one of my kids is invited out on a trip that involves food or activities. I always feel the pressure to reciprocate, but I've got three kids, three lots of entrance fee/lunch and it's costly. Adding yet more on top makes me sweat at the outgoings. I don't do it often. Budget dictates.

Yabvu being 'miffed' about their yacht trip. Nothing to do with you, and you don't know how they have scrimped to fund it.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 14/10/2014 10:20

Maybe they are very well off and it doesn't even occur to them that the price of entry/ food/ bought water rather than free tap water from home would be an issue. I know somebody like this - actually very nie and kind in her way (if you asked her for help she'd go miles out of her way) but so deeply, deeply thoughtless in some ways because it doesn't occur to her other people who seem to do things she does, do them on a careful budget rather than without any need to even think about what they are spending.

So maybe the mum is U doe to being thoughtless and lacking in empathy but you need to actually ask people like that to contribute, it doesn't occur to them.

LadyLuck10 · 14/10/2014 10:23

Who sends a packed lunch with their kids??
Seriously, if you taking them out it's just one more. I think it's a bit mean to be expecting them to bring their own food.
Op you just have one child to dote on, she has 3 and it's a lot more to juggle with.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 14/10/2014 10:26

playftseforme I agree - but that only works if there is give and take. If one family does all the inviting/ hosting and the other can't or won't, the cost begins to rankle.

DD often invites friends to the cinema so she can watch a different film (in the same complex) to the one I am taking her little brothers to (the friends' parents always know in advance that this will be the arrangement) - for some reason which is a slight mystery to me, many of her friends have never been to the cinema with their families, only with us, so they never invite DD to the cinema (though she plays at their houses as often as they play at ours). For this reason her friends' mums always send them with money for their own ticket and sweets and I always let them pay for themselves, I'm just driver and emergency contact person.

Asteria · 14/10/2014 10:31

I would be really pissed off if my child had a best friend they only saw if I made the effort. There is something incredibly rude and selfish about a parent who is perfectly happy to send their child off with other people, but never offers to contribute or return the hospitality in any way.

gentlehoney · 14/10/2014 10:33

If the costs "rankle" just don't invite others. It seems rude (to me) to invite someone to come along and pay for themselves.

deraila · 14/10/2014 10:40

if my child was invited to go to an attraction with a friend for the day there is no way i'd expect the other parent to pay. days out are pricey - maybe £7 into the place and another £6 for a kids lunch and drink. id give the other parent the appropriate amount for entrance/lunch. id be quite shocked if i said i'd take DCs friend and there was no offer of anything at all. if dc was being taken out, i'd ask what they wanted to do about lunch etc.

if we were having a couple of hours at the park, then of course i'd buy them an ice cream or a drink at the cafe.

Spindarella · 14/10/2014 10:41

When I have other kids over or take them somewhere I would never expect their parents to send money or food. I'd actually find it bizarre if they did. So her not sending food or offering to pay doesn't seem odd to me.

When my kids go out with someone else, I'll text and say "what should they bring?" but I've never had a response about money Or food, only things like wellies, coat, swimming stuff etc. It wouldn't bother me if someone DID ask me to send money or food, but I would register it as being unusual.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 14/10/2014 10:42

Ah well, fortunately for me we live in Germany, where people are pretty blunt and staight forward and the parents have always automatically sent the kids with the money for cinema trips - here there is less of a social dance about things like this and if they send the money, they mean to pay, its not a politeness thing :o

I have 3 kids myself but know people who never really take their kids anwhere (often for good reasons like health or commitments) and are always happy when they get invited to tag along with another family and don't begrudge the entrance fee - its a win, win that way - I wouldn't always have a spare 12 euro for a cinema ticket plus drink and sweets to take another child, but this way they still get to come which is nice for everyone - if their parents didn't want to send them they would say no.

Spindarella · 14/10/2014 10:43

Oh and pictish is spot on.

mimishimmi · 14/10/2014 10:57

If she asked you to invite her DD, YANBU. If you did all the inviting of your own volition then YABABU. You should at least have asked her to bring along some lunch money or a packed lunch on outings. If you were inviting her DD out on weekends hoping that you would be able to get free childcare in return during the week, then YABVU.

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