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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is this mum?

66 replies

TraceyTrickster · 14/10/2014 01:37

My daughter has a lovely friend at school and she is a delight to have around.

My daughter is an only, her friend is one of several. I have invited friend around for days out and to stay and not once has the mother reciprocated...which I accept due to space being tight at their place/having plenty of kids to manage.

I have taken the daughter on several days out, and the mother does not supply as much as a water bottle. I supply lunch, ice creams and entrance fees.
I am now miffed as mother has announced that her husband and she are taking year off their jobs to travel (with kids) on a yacht. Surely if they can afford to do that the mum could at least supply her daughter with a packed lunch for days out of offer to pay for entrance fees (prob would not accept but I am job seeking at mo).

So AIBU or is she just rude? (she is the only parent who I have come across who does not offer anything for her child's days with us...and I entertain plenty of kids at home and at park)

OP posts:

Allisgood1 · 14/10/2014 13:41

YAB slightly U. She isn't a mind reader. If you want a packed lunch you need to say.

YANBU in expecting entrance fees. I always ask how much I owe if I know my dc have been out somewhere with friends. And I always reciprocate, and I also have a full house

BellsUpMyNose · 14/10/2014 16:02

maybe if she gives the one child 20 pound for a day out she has to give it to the other children as well. which could be very expensive

AmITwirly · 14/10/2014 16:20

Goodness! I dread to think how many people I must have inadvertently offended by not sending my DCs with money & food when they are invited on days out. I always thought that if you invite, you pay. (And I obviously pick up the tab when I take their DCs out.)

I think it's a bit unreasonable of the other mother not to have ever reciprocated though...although there are some people who just have such busy lives that they won't have even realised this is what's happened.

If money is tight for you, just take them somewhere cheap next time and tell the mum you'll be having a picnic so can she send her DD with a packed lunch? I'm sure she won't object if she knows this is what you expect.

chocolatemartini · 14/10/2014 20:31

Interesting. My dc are too young for this but the consensus seems to be that (in the uk) you should provide a bit of spending money but not lunch or ticket money, although you should probably offer those, and you should try and reciprocate the invitation.

Original poster

TraceyTrickster · 15/10/2014 01:20

Maybe its an Australian thing- kids here have packed lunches for school and it seems to flow on that for days out kids take lunches of their own.

The mum never even invites my daughter around for a play, which makes it feel worse, and is always asking for favours (minding her kids, so I have 4 ). She even dropped them off for breakfast yesterday and did not tell me that they wanted food until she sauntered out the door.

Last time I volunteer unfortunately. As i said, I don't mind paying for my DD's friend, but the lack of offering (I had her 5 times in the 2 week school hols) makes me think I am being taken for a mug. Another mum brought snacks and some chocs as a thank you for having her daughter!

OP posts:

Primaryteach87 · 15/10/2014 02:12

YABU - It wouldn't occur to me to pay for my child if they had been invited as a guest. I assume they would invite DC to something they could afford (DVD and tesco sweets if money is an issue). I would reciprocate (at my own financial level) as much as I was able, but if I was saving for something I wouldn't feel compelled to. If you spelt out this implicit tit for tat contract you'd probably find the mum said no more often.

Why not just cut down on the fancy trips and do something more low key?

Primaryteach87 · 15/10/2014 02:13

Sorry x-post.

The minding her other kids is unfair on you.

Sapat · 15/10/2014 02:34

I have 3 kids and I work full time, I hate play dates, especially as I know I will need to reciprocate. Sleepovers are the worst, we literally don't have a spare bed!

I try, however, to reciprocate in other ways, for eg giving clothes/toys away, inviting mums for coffee and cake if I have day off, offering to do the school run, etc.

Darkandstormynight · 15/10/2014 03:28

YANBU but - I have long ago learned to stipulate when I take dc's mates somewhere. I shouldn't have to, but I have learned I must. Sometimes I will pay, if it's a joint idea or something expensive sometimes I make it clear I expect them to pay. I just sound businesslike and there are no misunderstandings.

Darkandstormynight · 15/10/2014 03:55

I also admit I find all this talk about "only" children and parents highly irritating. Some have an only because that's all they can afford as well. Some have no choice, I wanted other children but couldn't have them.

This whole attitude of we only have one to "dote" on (sorry I don't dote, I parent just like the rest do) and that parents of onlies have different ideas - that's such a generalization. And that we go places out so our children have socialization - oh the horror I'd like my child to have some company. It sounds hurtful and mean spirited even if you don't mean it that way.

CadmiumRed · 15/10/2014 04:52

Well your update certainly changes things!

She is taking you for granted.

And even if it can't be expensive days out she could reciprocate with a play date invite!

But she is clearly using you as childcare !

ohtheholidays · 15/10/2014 08:01

We have 5DC and we always pay for any children that we offer to take out with ours,if we have any of our DC's friends staying over and we have a take-away then we pay for them to have take away as well,if we take them all out for a meal then we of course pay for them as well.

It's never crossed my mind to expect for the parents of the other child to pay for they're child.It's us that's offered so it just seems right to us that we'd pay for them.

We've had lots of children stay round for the night or 2,come out with us for days out to theme parks,taken 1 child on holiday with us,taken them to the fair,town for lunch,out for dinner,swimming and out for lunch,play dates at home.

Only 2 of the children's(separate family's)parents have reciprocated in all those years.And amongst all of the family's there's only one other family that has a family our size all the rest have 3 children at the most.

harihippo · 15/10/2014 08:45

When ds1 was little he was an only and I don't drive so never did days out. But I would have his friend for sleep overs. He would go on days out with friend but not sleep overs as she had two younger children. I would always send money for popcorn at cinema or ice cream for everyone.
I was grateful she took my child on days out as it was something I did very rarely as I didn't drive and she said one time she was grateful for the sleep over as it gave her one to one time with her middle girl as baby went to bed early, and dad worked nights.

I think the op is getting a poor deals as nothing is ever being offered in return. Which is just rude on the parents part.

mimishimmi · 15/10/2014 09:13

I'd have more of an issue with her using me for free childcare than her not reciprocating a playdate if I were you. She really dumps her 3 kids on you, why didn't that come up earlier? Why on earth do you agree to it?

R4roger · 15/10/2014 09:19

did you ever ask her to contribute? a packed lunch, water bottle or anything?

MokunMokun · 15/10/2014 10:42

It's more about a person's attitude though. If a friend was struggling and was appreciative of help then it wouldn't be such a problem but if someone just expects me to take care of her child and never shows any appreciation it would annoy me.

I think in the OP's case it is the friend's "entitled" attitude more than anything.

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