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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is this mum?

66 replies

TraceyTrickster · 14/10/2014 01:37

My daughter has a lovely friend at school and she is a delight to have around.

My daughter is an only, her friend is one of several. I have invited friend around for days out and to stay and not once has the mother reciprocated...which I accept due to space being tight at their place/having plenty of kids to manage.

I have taken the daughter on several days out, and the mother does not supply as much as a water bottle. I supply lunch, ice creams and entrance fees.
I am now miffed as mother has announced that her husband and she are taking year off their jobs to travel (with kids) on a yacht. Surely if they can afford to do that the mum could at least supply her daughter with a packed lunch for days out of offer to pay for entrance fees (prob would not accept but I am job seeking at mo).

So AIBU or is she just rude? (she is the only parent who I have come across who does not offer anything for her child's days with us...and I entertain plenty of kids at home and at park)

OP posts:

figgieroll · 14/10/2014 11:02

I would expect to cater for which ever child we had invited. I would never expect a child to come with thier own lunch. If my child was being taken out id probably give my child a fiver to pass on at an appropriate moment. He always offers but people rarely take the cash though.

gentlehoney · 14/10/2014 11:04

It doesn't seem nice for one child to have a different packed lunch to the rest.

mimishimmi · 14/10/2014 11:10

No, it doesn't. If I invited another kid I'd probably pay for it. If it was a bit exxy, and I'd only invited the child because they had begged my DC to come along, I'd just ask the parent for the cost of the ticket etc. Not assume they knew I wanted them to pay.

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 14/10/2014 11:13

YABU, if I invite one of my DCs' friends along for a day out I expect to treat them as my own, I will provide the same drinks, snacks and entertainment as I do for my own.

Sometimes parents will offer or even insist on giving £10 spending money, but I would always decline politely or accept and use the money to treat all the children to an ice cream or something (or forget and send the money home with them again!)

I remember being invited to an evening concert with a friend & her family when I was about 16. It didn't occur to me or my parents that I should take food or money. They sat and ate their picnic (all made with 4 of everything for them) while I went hungry. I got a free drink from one of the tents but otherwise, nothing else was offered. 25 years later I still feel annoyed at their pettiness - don't be those parents!

19lottie82 · 14/10/2014 11:25

My DSD (14) has a friend who is a very nice girl. We have her over often and regularly , sometimes for the whole weekend, and often take them to the cinema, to McDonalds, buy takeaways but her parents have never offered a small donation towards these costs.

I understand that we do the inviting, so we should pay, and not "expect" anything, but on the other hand, I do think it's a bit rude that her parents (who are quite well off btw!) have never offered a single penny towards these trips.

A few months ago we bought tickets to take the girls to see wicked at the theatre @ £35 a ticket. We picked up DSD's friend and dropped her home afterwards, yet her parents never even offered money for an ice cream, let alone the ticket.

19lottie82 · 14/10/2014 11:26

Just to add, We wouldn't have taken it, but it would have been nice if they offered.

ElliotLovesGrub · 14/10/2014 11:33

Yabu. It sounds like a simple case of two people having different ways of doing things and one getting annoyed by it while the other is unaware.

cheerupandhaveaglassofwine · 14/10/2014 11:49

I wouldn't dream of asking a child's parent for anything towards the cost of something I had invited them to because my daughter wanted a friend there

I also wouldn't think to offer anything towards the cost if one of my 2 were asked along with there friends either as I would assume it was an offer made as a treat to both there own child and mine with there own child's happiness by having a friend accompanying them behind the invite, rather than being made just so they could be offered money for making the invite and if I was offered anything I wouldn't accept it as if it was my invite its my treat

The not reciprocating is a little annoying, but I wouldn't let it bother me too much, not everyone thinks the same way and once you have more than one to deal with it isn't always that easy to make arrangements to fit around thinks you have to do

19lottie82 · 14/10/2014 11:52

cheerup.......

I think on the odd occasion of an invite, it's fine, and nothing should be expected. but in my situation, as with the OP's, it starts to grate when they are a regular occurrence yet nothing is even offered. Again, I wouldn't accept it, but it would be good manners to offer.

OnlyLovers · 14/10/2014 11:53

It's very inconsiderate. She should either send her child along with food or money, at least sometimes, or reciprocate and invite your child out with theirs all expenses paid.

Perhaps they can afford a year out on a yacht because they take advantage of everyone like this.

On the other hand, she's only been doing it because you've let her. I'd suggest in future saying 'Please send her with a packed lunch/money for her entrance fee' etc. Or just not inviting her daughter to things that cost money any more.

lem73 · 14/10/2014 11:54

The child is a guest and you shouldn't begrudge providing her with something to eat so YABU.
I'm in a similar position as my dd is much younger than her siblings so I often invite friends to the house and on days out. They're doing me a favour. Most people reciprocate but one or two don't. No one ever provides a snack and I've never thought about it.

SaucyMare · 14/10/2014 11:56

Ok, if she can afford to take the year off boating maybe her normal circle do not contribute to things as if you go it means you can afford it.
I had an indian woman to stay and she didnt offer at all, but when i went back she was offended i offered, i was the guest.

So i know it does work like that in some circles.

Frustrated101 · 14/10/2014 11:57

If you have an only, you are inviting a friend as company for your DD. It is probably not something you would do as much of if you had a sibling for her. It is a partly selfish (although in a nice way) thing to do.

Why should the other parent find £20 to go to a day out that they hadnt budgeted for just because you want someone for your dd to go with. The other dc she has would also feel as their sister was getting more than them so depending on their age, would have to give them something too.

I always send mine with spending money but wouldnt think about sending money for the activity or lunch. YABU.

Chandon · 14/10/2014 11:59

I have a friend with an "only" who constantly plans days out, and often asks my DS along for company for her DS.

I always send him with money and ask if he needs to bring food.

I don't reciprocate often, as I am not a "days out" sort of person.

At weekends and holidays, we walk the dog, swim in the river, maybe go see a film when rainy, but we rarely do who days out as we don't want to leave the dog for a whole day, and also, we don't feel we are desperate to go to stately homes, theme parks, zoo's etc.

Also, with more than one kid, and the sort of neighbourhood where kids play football/it/whatever on the green, they are very good at entertaining themselves.

We have been abroad for a few years though , though not on a yacht...

just to offer you the other perspective.

MokunMokun · 14/10/2014 12:04

If someone invited my child out I'd either pay or reciprocate, either is ok but allowing someone to take your child out over and over without ever paying or ever reciprocating is rude.

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 14/10/2014 12:06

But you invited her! Many people wouldn't want to or couldn't spend £35 on one child's ticket to something. If you genuinely didn't mind if the dd came, you could have texted 'getting wicket tickets @ 35 pounds, do you want one?' but you must know they probably would have said no!

I would send spending money (e.g. £10 for the family to get ice-creams) so I am a little sympathetic, but if you go for expensive days out, theatre/cinema tickets etc then the invitee pays unless you are organizing it and ask everyone up front.

It's very bad manners to invite people and then be annoyed they don't offer stuff- you know this family don't offer to pay, so stop inviting the dd to places (except you won't as actually it benefits you for your dd to have a companion).

ILovePud · 14/10/2014 12:13

I think that's quite thoughtless of the other mum, personally I always offer something if any of mine are being taken out, like money to buy everyone in the party an ice-cream. Often it's not accepted and I wouldn't judge anyone who's kids I was taking out for the day if they didn't offer. However I think it's the lack of reciprocity here which is rude, not that it has to be big days out but I got the impression that she doesn't even get invited over for play dates. If they're well off, especially if your out of work at the mo, I think she should be mindful that you've spent a lot on taking her child out and plan some return trips.

gentlehoney · 14/10/2014 12:19

Saucymare, I suspect that even in Britain there are class and geographic differences about this.

19lottie82 · 14/10/2014 12:42

Hairtoday........

I did not expect them to offer to pay for the ticket in the slightest, and I did not have that in mind when I bought them.

I just thought that it would have been polite to give their daughter enough to get her and my DSD an ice cream at the interval, that was all.

It's bad manners to have a personal opinion, that you keep to yourself? No, it isn't. I think bad manners is accepting numerous invites to various day / weekend / evening trips which will obviously incur expenses, and dropping your daughter off without a bean to her name, and likewise, never returning the invite.

crazykat · 14/10/2014 13:00

If my DCs are invited out I always offer to pay for them even though its not been accepted. I also send spending money and some extra for an icecream/treat for all of them.

With reciprocating I can see it from the other mum's side. I have four DCs and we don't have a car so don't do big trips out. Money is also a factor for us. Its expensive paying for us to get into some places and we can rarely afford to go out. Its also not as simple as adding one extra to the cost as my two oldest DCs would both want to bring a friend, that would make it 2 adults and 6 children to pay for which is very expensive as I would expect to pay for kids that we invite along.

I dread my DCs being invited for sleepovers as we just don't have the space to reciprocate. I always reciprocate when one of mine go to a friends for dinner though.

When you have 3 or 4 kids it can be hard enough keeping everything going day to day and inviting friends round isn't a top priority. I'm always meaning to invite my DCs friends round but it gets buried under making sure they have everything for school in the morning and making sure they haven't left anything at pick up time.

If you don't want to pay for your DDs friend then either make it clear to her mum she needs to buy her ticket or don't invite her. Its harsh but its the only way to go if you're fed up of always paying.

amicissimma · 14/10/2014 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crje · 14/10/2014 13:31

Think your upset at your child being left friendless for the yr .
The lunch/money thing is nonsense,never heard of a play date bringing a packed lunch (unless allergies )

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 14/10/2014 13:33

Hairytoday and Germany have it right. If you want someone to offer you money knowing that you're going to turn it down, you are pretty nuts. The comedy of manners:

Want to take out own DC
Know DC will enjoy day better with a friend
Therefore invite friend, who would otherwise not be having money spent on them by their parents for a day out
Expect friend's parents to offer to pay, which you will turn down as you don't want them to pay...

Nuts!

fourwoodenchairs · 14/10/2014 13:37

YABU.

You invited, you pay.

She's got 3 kids fgs!

WaroftheRoses · 14/10/2014 13:38

If I was taking someone's child out as a companion for one of mine, I wouldn't expect their parents to pay. Although tbf I would offer money if it were one of my kids! Without sounding rude I do find parents of only children often have different ideas about parenting then families with more kids-usually ideas that I maybe believed in when I only had one kid but soon went out of the window with more! So you are probably just singing off different hymn sheets.

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