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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH and weekends?

67 replies

SophieSqueakyGiraffe · 13/10/2014 16:34

DH and I have been together for 13 years. I have a 16 year old DC from a previous relationship, and we have two children together who are aged 5 and 10.

Basically my issue is that DH doesn't seem to ever want to get involved in any parenting or family life at weekends. He is self employed and I am predominantly a SAHM, although I do some work for his business at home, I do voluntary work at the school, I help my grandparents once or twice a week with shopping and housework, and often have my sister's DC once a week whilst she works. I also do all of the housework, laundry, food shopping, cooking, and - it seems - parenting and thinking too. Oh and DH has also got two dogs that he chose to get, whom I end up walking and looking after too!

DH seems to think that whilst he is home he can just do as he pleases. He has always been the type of person who sorts himself out first, eg when the little ones were babies he would leave them crying for a bottle whilst he ate a bowl of cereal, but he's just getting worse and worse.

At weekends he just wants to sit around doing as he pleases. He won't buy into the idea that when we are both home the parenting is the responsibility of both of us, and he won't entertain the idea of going food shopping, or sorting out the school uniforms, or anything else like that. Also he makes a terrible mess and it takes me hours on a Monday to sort it out.

This weekend he has been totally engaged with the grand prix all weekend, and when that wasn't on he was either on his phone or on the x box. He rarely engages with the DCs at all, and won't do anything such as take them to the park, or do homework with them. 5 year old DS has said that he would like to start going to play football on Saturday mornings, and DH said he will take him but for the past 2 Saturdays has made excuses and kept saying to DS "Are you really sure you want to go?". DS needs a haircut and I suggested this weekend that DH took him to the barber's, but it didn't happen! In fact, the only interaction DH had with DS this weekend was 10 minutes before DS's bath last night, when he kept tickling DS and winding him up. DH will never play a game with the DCs, or even chat to them. Or me, half the time. He just gets absorbed with whatever it is that he wants to do.

Things have sort of come to a head for me this weekend. I went out to the shops yesterday and was out for an hour. Came home to find DS plonked on the laptop as usual, and asking for lunch. He'd asked DH for a sandwich whilst I was out, and DH wouldn't even do that. DH will never go and make a meal or even a snack for the kids, he just sits there, and sits there. It is getting me down and it isn't fair on the kids either.

I have tried to talk to him about things in the past but he doesn't seem to get it. I feel like an unpaid skivvy doing everything all the time, and besides that I would actually love us to do family things, and for him to actually want to spend quality time with his kids. Am I asking too much?

I feel such a pang of envy of friends who have very hands on partners, who are really into parenting and who seem to enjoy family life.

OP posts:
Discopanda · 13/10/2014 16:36

YABU sometimes men just giant man-children

Fudgeface123 · 13/10/2014 16:39

He sounds like a pig...I can't believe he wouldn't make a sandwich for your son. He has all the perks of marriage i.e. cooking, cleaning etc. but is still living as a single man.

I wouldn't stand for that, it sounds bloody awful

socially · 13/10/2014 16:39

He's a shit husband and a shit dad.

My ex was like this.

Note the "ex"

Venticoffeecup · 13/10/2014 16:40

If he is really behaving as you describe, I don't think his behaviour is acceptable.

My circumstances are similar to yours in a lot of ways. My husband is a very busy self employed man. He still manages to find time to do things with his DS, both practical things and fun things. Therefore I don't think your DH has any excuse not to do this because I know it can be done.

I think it's really sad that your DH is so dismissive of your children. I could tolerate him not doing the boring stuff, but I think it's awful that he doesn't even want to do fun things with his own children. His children are probably more then aware of it by now and pretty hurt and disappointed in their own father.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/10/2014 16:40

He is selfish and lazy. I suspect he has mentally allocated all household chores to you. He sees his sole role as "provider" and fails to recognise that if you didn't keep the wheels on the wagon he wouldn't be able to live the life he does. I don't care how hard he works, he doesn't get to opt out of family life on the weekend. I say that as the WOHP, its DH who is at home in our family. We both pitch in on weekends.

accessorizequeen · 13/10/2014 16:41

I'm gobsmacked at how little this man does. YABU. I think it's so sad that he doesn't want to be with his kids, but that's his loss. What are you getting out being with him?

Fairylea · 13/10/2014 16:41

Disco really?!! Her dh is a twat! Not all men are like that! Mine isn't at all.

Op what do you say when you challenge him on it? He's being totally unreasonable.

Original poster
SophieSqueakyGiraffe · 13/10/2014 16:42

TBH I would be happy if he'd just spend the weekend enjoying his DCs company, and actually wanting to parent them. He won't even suggest an evening meal, or pull the duvet over their beds in the morning to make their beds.

I feel so alone in this relationship!

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieSqueakyGiraffe · 13/10/2014 16:44

When I try to talk to him about it he is dismissive and doesn't really engage that much.

Sometimes I think 'fuck him' and try to carry on and have fun regardless, then he'll tag along and have a face like a slapped arse all day.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 13/10/2014 16:45

He has always been the type of person who sorts himself out first, eg when the little ones were babies he would leave them crying for a bottle whilst he ate a bowl of cereal, but he's just getting worse and worse.

This is where your problem started. I know it's too late now but this is where you should have told him to sort it out or you're off. You now need to work back to that point and unravel years of not giving a shit. It's going to be very difficult.

Original poster
SophieSqueakyGiraffe · 13/10/2014 16:46

I agree, Fairylea.

I don't want to split the family up but sometimes I think I would be better off on my own with the kids. He casts a shadow over things when he's around, and I feel resentful and cross.

OP posts:
maninawomansworld · 13/10/2014 16:46

Sounds like you need to sit down and have an adult conversation about the state of your relationship.

Ragwort · 13/10/2014 16:48

He has always been the type of person who sorts himself out first, eg when the little ones were babies he would leave them crying for a bottle whilst he ate a bowl of cereal

If he has always been this sort of person - what makes you think he will change? Why did his first relationship break up?

He does sound a selfish, unhelpful pig but are you sure you haven't enabled this sort of behaviour over the years - you have been together 13 years and presumably you made a conscious choice to have not just one, but two, children with this 'man child'. I appreciate that sounds harsh but if he has been like this for ever he's not really going to change is he? Sad.

Original poster
SophieSqueakyGiraffe · 13/10/2014 16:50

He has always been reasonably selfish, but not this selfish. The selfishness has got worse, and a lot more apparent, in the last 5 years.

Before we had our two DCs when we just had my DD from my first marriage, he was very hands on and great with DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieSqueakyGiraffe · 13/10/2014 16:50

maninawomansworld I would love to have an adult conversation with him but unfortunately he makes this very difficult.....

OP posts:
googoodolly · 13/10/2014 16:52

You've said he's always been like this, so why did you go on to have another child with him, and why stay with him?! It sounds so miserable and soul-destroying.

You'd be better off on your own, OP.

Fairylea · 13/10/2014 16:52

So when you came back from being out and he hadn't made ds anything to eat what happened then? Did you pull him up on it?

Original poster
SophieSqueakyGiraffe · 13/10/2014 16:54

Yes I pulled him up on it and asked why he hadn't got DS a sandwich but he didn't see the issue and thought I was being horrible. I can't remember his exact words but it was along the lines of "Well you're home now, in the time you're saying this to me you could have made it for him if he wants one so badly"

OP posts:
Johnogroats · 13/10/2014 16:55

This is not normal behaviour. We both work ft, but DH is way in the week so most of the childcare falls to me. However at weekends, it is very different. We do things together, or I take one DS cycling, while DH takes the other to football. The last weekends we have all been looking at secondary schools. I have photos from last weekend with DH busy encouraging DS2 to help in the Arden, and others of same son cooking scones. It is a joint enterprise and usually quite good fun, if hectic.

Not sure what to suggest OP. you sound like a single parent. What about marriage guidance or an ultimatum?

AnnieLobeseder · 13/10/2014 16:55

Life is too short to spend it being miserable and resentful, which you are (and quite rightly so). And your H is being an appalling role model for your children, not to mention a crap dad by not engaging with them. How hurtful it must be to your children to be reminded daily that they are an inconvenience to him (not taking your DS to football is a prime example). You are not doing yourself or your children any favours by "keeping the family together". The only person who appears to benefit is your H, who gets to have is own personal slave to deal with all the domestic inconvenience and raise his children. So why does he get to live the life of Riley while you and your DC suffer?

Fairylea · 13/10/2014 16:57

You're already challenging him in that case and he is telling you effectively to shove off. So all you are left with is an ultimatum. If that doesn't work you would be better off alone - one less child to look after by the sound of things. I couldn't live with someone like that. I'd be absolutely bursting with resentment.

cherrybombxo · 13/10/2014 16:58

I'm currently dealing with this sort of lazy man-child behaviour (on top of other issues) and I'm so thankful we don't have kids to worry about. I'm seriously looking at getting out when I have the cash together for a flat deposit because I can see that it's not going to change, and it doesn't sound like your situation is going to change any time soon either Sad

AnnieLobeseder · 13/10/2014 16:59

Cross posts, I have just read his comment "Well you're home now, in the time you're saying this to me you could have made it for him if he wants one so badly"

If words to those effect ever left my DH's mouth, he would find his clothes in a heap on the lawn before he had closed his mouth after saying them. How utterly fucking dismissive and disrespectful! He really thinks he's Lord of the fucking Manor, doesn't he!? I rarely say this, OP, but leave the bastard asap.

WerkSupp · 13/10/2014 17:01

He's a selfish prick who doesn't deserve kids. Stop enabling this shit. I'd throw him out. Actually, I agree with Fairy, I'd not have procreated more than once with such a dickhead, but that's water under the bridge now.

What a waster.

Manchild, my arse. Twat, more likes.

Shakirasma · 13/10/2014 17:03

Your H is a shit husband and a shit father. However you cannot forcibly change another person's behaviour, you can only change your own.

So what are you going to do about it?