Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

About DH and weekends?

67 replies

SophieSqueakyGiraffe · 13/10/2014 16:34

DH and I have been together for 13 years. I have a 16 year old DC from a previous relationship, and we have two children together who are aged 5 and 10.

Basically my issue is that DH doesn't seem to ever want to get involved in any parenting or family life at weekends. He is self employed and I am predominantly a SAHM, although I do some work for his business at home, I do voluntary work at the school, I help my grandparents once or twice a week with shopping and housework, and often have my sister's DC once a week whilst she works. I also do all of the housework, laundry, food shopping, cooking, and - it seems - parenting and thinking too. Oh and DH has also got two dogs that he chose to get, whom I end up walking and looking after too!

DH seems to think that whilst he is home he can just do as he pleases. He has always been the type of person who sorts himself out first, eg when the little ones were babies he would leave them crying for a bottle whilst he ate a bowl of cereal, but he's just getting worse and worse.

At weekends he just wants to sit around doing as he pleases. He won't buy into the idea that when we are both home the parenting is the responsibility of both of us, and he won't entertain the idea of going food shopping, or sorting out the school uniforms, or anything else like that. Also he makes a terrible mess and it takes me hours on a Monday to sort it out.

This weekend he has been totally engaged with the grand prix all weekend, and when that wasn't on he was either on his phone or on the x box. He rarely engages with the DCs at all, and won't do anything such as take them to the park, or do homework with them. 5 year old DS has said that he would like to start going to play football on Saturday mornings, and DH said he will take him but for the past 2 Saturdays has made excuses and kept saying to DS "Are you really sure you want to go?". DS needs a haircut and I suggested this weekend that DH took him to the barber's, but it didn't happen! In fact, the only interaction DH had with DS this weekend was 10 minutes before DS's bath last night, when he kept tickling DS and winding him up. DH will never play a game with the DCs, or even chat to them. Or me, half the time. He just gets absorbed with whatever it is that he wants to do.

Things have sort of come to a head for me this weekend. I went out to the shops yesterday and was out for an hour. Came home to find DS plonked on the laptop as usual, and asking for lunch. He'd asked DH for a sandwich whilst I was out, and DH wouldn't even do that. DH will never go and make a meal or even a snack for the kids, he just sits there, and sits there. It is getting me down and it isn't fair on the kids either.

I have tried to talk to him about things in the past but he doesn't seem to get it. I feel like an unpaid skivvy doing everything all the time, and besides that I would actually love us to do family things, and for him to actually want to spend quality time with his kids. Am I asking too much?

I feel such a pang of envy of friends who have very hands on partners, who are really into parenting and who seem to enjoy family life.

OP posts:

scallopsrgreat · 13/10/2014 17:05

I have to agree with others on this thread. He has an attitude issue and those are extremely hard to shift. He would have to want to and what benefit does he see in doing it?? He gets to do what he wants all day.

How long do want this to continue? What is he adding to the party beyond finances (and he can add that living in another house with the bonus of not sponging off your free labour)?

Fairenuff · 13/10/2014 17:16

OP there is only one reason why he behaves like this.

Quite simply, he can.

Yes, he is selfish and lazy but the problem is made worse because there is no consequence for this behaviour.

You really have two choices - carry on as you are or ask him to leave.

What you want is for him to change but he won't do that unless he wants to and there is nothing here to make him want to.

The only thing that might work is asking him to either step up to the parenting role or leave. Be a family man or be a single man. Make him chose and make sure you follow it through.

socially · 13/10/2014 17:21

Do you still love him? Because ime behaviour like this erodes any love or respect pretty quickly.

If you don't think you do, then leave him to it. You'll get the kids, a bit of cash from him every month and a break every fortnight when it's his turn to have the kids.

Win - win

Greengrow · 13/10/2014 17:47

Unless he's very rich I doubt this is tolerable.
I earned 10x what my children's father does - that tends to ensure fairness at home. Go forth and out earn him and leave him to hire the nanny and cleaner.

iwaly · 13/10/2014 17:50

I think you owe it to your children to at least give him a chance for things to change (unless you really do feel the marriage is over). I hate to say this but you will need to spell out for him what he needs to do - if you just give an ultimatum and expect an attitude change then you wont get one. Literally spell out eg. he needs to take DS to football, to cook a meal with your DD each Saturday for the family, to plan a family outing each fortnight. If he is not prepared to do anything along those lines then I guess you know where you stand and can decide whether to stay. (If he can start doing those things you could later add in a couple of household chores during the week as well....) Out of interest what sort of roles did his parents have - does his mum still run round after him when you visit and his dad not do much??

Fairylea · 13/10/2014 17:50

What has being rich got to do with anything? Even if he was a multi billionaire it wouldn't make him less of a misogynistic lazy twat and it wouldn't make living with him any easier.

socially · 13/10/2014 17:53

Greengrow I've read your message several times, and I can't make head nor tail of it, sorry.

Fairylea · 13/10/2014 17:57

Also if you are a decent person you treat your partner with the same love, respect and equality regardless of whatever either of you earn. It has nothing to do with money.

Bearbehind · 13/10/2014 17:57

Don't worry about it socially, greengrows answer to every thread is for the woman to decide from the moment she's out of the womb, to earn oddles of money and never need to rely on a man- because obviously that's the answer to everything and is just a case of deciding that's what you want

OP, you really can't go on like this, you'll just end up hating him. You really need to discuss it with him and if he won't change then you need to look at your options for leaving him.

Singmetosleepzzz · 13/10/2014 17:59

What utterly disgusting behaviour. You have one life. Don't waste any more time with this loser - the last thing you want is for your children to think this is normal

ArgyMargy · 13/10/2014 18:00

He sounds a bit depressed to me.

Fairenuff · 13/10/2014 18:03

OP is complaining about the lack of time he spends interacting with his children. You cannot hire someone to take over that role. No amount of money in the world can build a bond between father and child. He is going to have to do it himself, he cannot pay someone else to do it for him.

WerkSupp · 13/10/2014 18:05

Almost went 40 posts before someone pulled the depression/mental health card.

How long before someone suggests he is autistic (drums fingers)?

amyhamster · 13/10/2014 18:10

Don't you ever go away for a weekend with the girls ??
Don't you ever go for a days shopping or to get your hair cut?
If you do those things does he just not feed the kids?
Why did you have no 2 with him, he can't always have been this way
It's true he could be depressed especially if it came on when you had your third child ?

socially · 13/10/2014 18:12

So fucking what if he's depressed?

He has a choice - to get help to stop being a passenger and treating his family like shit, or carry on and end up on his own.

The op's choice is to either put up with his behaviour, or leave.

WerkSupp · 13/10/2014 18:13

He's not depressed, he's a knob. He is perfectly capable of engaging, but only in what he wants. Anything to do with the kids or the home, he doesn't give a shit.

Fairylea · 13/10/2014 18:17

It doesn't matter if he's depressed or not in this case. He's being emotionally abusive to both his wife and children and that is never acceptable, more so when the person doing it obviously feels they have a god given right to behave that way.

Wheelerdeeler · 13/10/2014 19:47

My Dh wouldn't have survived 1 weekend behaving like that not to mind 5 years.

Seriously why do you tolerate it?

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2014 20:05

And you keep him around because…………?

It sounds like you've tried 6 ways from Sunday to make him see that he needs to pull more weight at home and he's basically said he doesn't feel he needs to. He's entitled to his stupid, idiotic, medieval opinion, as you are entitled to your reasonable, logical, modern one. Stalemate.

Seriously, you need to decide what YOU are getting out of this marriage, because it sounds like it's 'nothing' to me. We already know what he gets; everything!!

Frankly, I'd LTB since he's obviously not going to change. I'd rather have to work full time AND do it all myself as a single parent than be a SAHM and be doing it all whilst watching my supposed 'equal partner' sitting around on his arse.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 13/10/2014 20:21

You might as well be a single parent OP because essentially you are one.

What on earth do you get out of this relationship? He's a shit father and a shit husband. And he is no role model to your DC.

skylark2 · 13/10/2014 20:30

I'd start by saying you're going to get rid of the dogs unless he does their care. Give him a week. Then do it.

Seriously, he's got used to having maid service for everything he wants out of a family. It's difficult or impossible to do much about that when it comes to kids, but there is no reason you have to carry on looking after his pets.

iwantgin · 13/10/2014 20:36

He is BVVVVU

I don't know if you will be able to get him to change his ways. If you want to, then try - set a list of tasks that he SHOULD be doing anyway. If he starts to cotton on that he is a family man now, not a single guy with extra perks laid on then carry on.

If not - you would be much better off without him. He is , in effect, an extra child. You have enough children.

redexpat · 13/10/2014 20:54

Would you notice a difference if he left?

ZenNudist · 13/10/2014 21:18

Yanbu. But you know that.

Are you going to do anything about it, or carry on being a doormat?

He has zero respect for you and dc.

Saying he will be horrid if you talk to him about this is enabling him to treat you like shit. sounds like you need counselling to make yourself heard.

CocktailQueen · 13/10/2014 21:25

Oh, he sounds like a complete twat! And that comment re your ds's sandwich? That would have made me furious.

Another poster further up is right - if he left your dc to cry as babies while he fed himself first, then that bodes vv badly. Wtaf???? That should have been stamped on then.

Being self-employed gas nothing at all to do without. Both dh and I are self-employed and still manage too aren't the dc, 7 days a week.

What are you going to do, op? Sounds really miserable for you. And the kids! They must be wondering wtf their dad is for.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread