About DH and weekends?

[SophieSqueakyGiraffe]

DH and I have been together for 13 years. I have a 16 year old DC from a previous relationship, and we have two children together who are aged 5 and 10.

Basically my issue is that DH doesn't seem to ever want to get involved in any parenting or family life at weekends. He is self employed and I am predominantly a SAHM, although I do some work for his business at home, I do voluntary work at the school, I help my grandparents once or twice a week with shopping and housework, and often have my sister's DC once a week whilst she works. I also do all of the housework, laundry, food shopping, cooking, and - it seems - parenting and thinking too. Oh and DH has also got two dogs that he chose to get, whom I end up walking and looking after too!

DH seems to think that whilst he is home he can just do as he pleases. He has always been the type of person who sorts himself out first, eg when the little ones were babies he would leave them crying for a bottle whilst he ate a bowl of cereal, but he's just getting worse and worse.

At weekends he just wants to sit around doing as he pleases. He won't buy into the idea that when we are both home the parenting is the responsibility of both of us, and he won't entertain the idea of going food shopping, or sorting out the school uniforms, or anything else like that. Also he makes a terrible mess and it takes me hours on a Monday to sort it out.

This weekend he has been totally engaged with the grand prix all weekend, and when that wasn't on he was either on his phone or on the x box. He rarely engages with the DCs at all, and won't do anything such as take them to the park, or do homework with them. 5 year old DS has said that he would like to start going to play football on Saturday mornings, and DH said he will take him but for the past 2 Saturdays has made excuses and kept saying to DS "Are you really sure you want to go?". DS needs a haircut and I suggested this weekend that DH took him to the barber's, but it didn't happen! In fact, the only interaction DH had with DS this weekend was 10 minutes before DS's bath last night, when he kept tickling DS and winding him up. DH will never play a game with the DCs, or even chat to them. Or me, half the time. He just gets absorbed with whatever it is that he wants to do.

Things have sort of come to a head for me this weekend. I went out to the shops yesterday and was out for an hour. Came home to find DS plonked on the laptop as usual, and asking for lunch. He'd asked DH for a sandwich whilst I was out, and DH wouldn't even do that. DH will never go and make a meal or even a snack for the kids, he just sits there, and sits there. It is getting me down and it isn't fair on the kids either.

I have tried to talk to him about things in the past but he doesn't seem to get it. I feel like an unpaid skivvy doing everything all the time, and besides that I would actually love us to do family things, and for him to actually want to spend quality time with his kids. Am I asking too much?

I feel such a pang of envy of friends who have very hands on partners, who are really into parenting and who seem to enjoy family life.

I felt like crying for the children when I read this :(

How you've lasted so long with him I will never know!!

YANBU!!

It is so easy to judge others and give advice. I have 1 dd who is 5. I could have written this post. My dh works long hours. He makes little effort with dd. He is lazy and moans and we have had many words over the years. We have been together 11 years and married for 4 of those. I have ignored, nagged, set ultimatums and it changes for a little while. I feel that he lives a single life ( x box til early hours then falls asleep on sofa) It hurts when you tell them how this makes you feel and then nothing changes long term. DD does not have a great relationship with her dad. It is heart breaking to see. I warned him time and time again he needs to put in the effort. I do not work full time and feel like I do not have the right to expect him to do his fair share on his days off. But I feel that he should be wanting to spend time with his only child. He wanted more children and I did not as it is hard work and am not willing to do it all again on my own.

He sounds like an utter prick. How about giving him a taste of his own medicine so he knows how it feels to do everything while you sit there and watch DVDs etc?

In all honesty, I doubt he is capable of changing. I would cut my losses and run.

No-one is judging anyone except the lazy arse husband, unpack. But we have to wonder why some women have so little respect for themselves that they put up with it? Is being single really such a dreadful prospect that you'd sacrifice your own happiness for the rest of your life to avoid it, and spend your every day disrespected, unloved and full of seething resentment? What kind of life is that? I don't blame the women who do put up with it, I blame a society that teaches girls that being married is their ultimate aim in life, that there's something "wrong" with women who can't bag a husband, and that childcare and domestic tasks are "women's work". In so many ways we're still stuck in the 1950s, and women like you and the OP are literally losing your lives to the lie that your only value is that placed on your by your husband.

He is a lazy, selfish twat. That will never change. Why would it? He's got it made! He doesn't have to do a thing and you wait on him hand and foot.

If you are happy to live like that then you need to consider the message that is giving your children about how to treat and be treated in a relationship.
If you are not happy to live like this, you need to kick his butt out.

The fact he left your child to go hungry rather than get up off his lazy, entitled, useless arse to make a sandwich just screams utter selfishness to the point of neglect. How horrible for your 5 year old to feel that daddy doesn't even care enough to get him something to eat, to feel that unworthy of love and care from one of his supposed parents. This must be affecting their self esteem and happiness too.

Time for a detailed, can't be mistaken, bullet pointed ultimatum (you must do x, x and y by z date and continue to do so every week, rather than a vague " things have to change, you have to help" type) we have to assume he won't, then boot him into touch. Useless fecker.

You need either a hobby or job,it's easy to fall into this type of thing whilst the children are little and you do want to mother them and nurture whilst they are young ( rather than leave them with a nanny) can you slowly come out if this hole I am the same really and when I have a moan it falls on deaf ears and makes for a miserable environment.I am trying to start being what I think people call pro-active,book a day out,sorry but a list of things that need doing or of it makes it easier say 'I'm going shopping (food) at night when DH gets home as you go out the door say ' oh could you read with the children as I would like to sit down early tonight!.
Slowly slowly if you don't like confrontation if he starts to help then great he cares,if not more affirmative action needed.thought of studying??

So what if he's depressed?

Seriously!? It's not like mental health problems are a lifestyle choice!

I am eternally grateful to my DH for sticking with me when i was an absolute irrational, spiteful, aggressive bitch due to antenatal depression.
The good news for the OP is that if her DH IS depressed then he can get help and she could get her old, engaged, happy husband back. If she still loves him it's worth considering.

On the other hand, there's no cure for being a selfish prick, so there's no guarantees!

Right now, he has the perfect set up and it is in his interest to maintain things as they are.

You will hate him, if you don't already, if things stay as they are.

You need to decide what changes you want and make it absolutely crystal clear and be immovable.
He has to do x y or z or ... and then you have to really stick to it. He doesn't want to change. Why would he?No point in having a vague discussion or argument about how upset you are. write down what you want and show him. tell him. cool and calm is the way forward.

Also, I would write down a list of jobs for your 3 kids too, if they haven't got a regular chore schedule already.

unpack - was your DH like this before you had a child? And if so, why did you have a child with him? I don't mean to be sarky but as Annie says, I just can't understand why so many women have such little self respect that they put up with such awful behaviour from their husbands/partners.

At what stage do men stop putting their clothes in the laundry basket or whatever ....... surely then you immediately do something, leave them, or give an ultimatum and mean it. Not start a family with such a man child.

I think a lot of men probably go from living with a mum who does everything to moving in with a girlfriend and just assume the same status quo continues. My marriage is not perfect by any means but I think the fact that both DH and I owned our own homes before we got together helps a lot - of course DH knows how to operate a washing machine/cook a meal/clean the toilet etc etc. Also he wanted a child a lot more than I did which again I think helps as he is such a devoted Dad and clearly loves being with his DS. I do feel that some people drift into getting a home together and having children without any real thought/discussion about the practicalities involved. We had been together ten years before we had a child so it was certainly a conscious choice .

He doesn't care about you or his DC, I am sorry

Op I'm sorry your in this situation.

If your both willing to work on sorting out the issues in the relationship I would always be optimistic that someone could change.

If either of you is unwilling, then I'm not sure how this is a sustainable or healthy situation.

so he's neglectful, useless, uncommunicative, dull, etc etc.....does he have a giant gold plated cock or something?
yabu to have kept the useless meat-bag around for this long.

OP, I'm so sorry. I have to reiterate what a pp has said, would you notice a difference if he was gone? Are you hanging in because you don't work? I'm only asking because I am also almost 100% SAHM. I have a part time job that has so decreased in hours, it's almost like nothing at all (I'm working on that, btw).

My marriage situation in different, but I do see how one might feel stuck in this situation, especially if you haven't been working FT for a good while. IF you could envision really supporting yourself and didn't have to rely on dh, would that make a difference?

Also, one thing that I thought was intriguing was that you mentioned that before your two children together that he was a great with your dd. Think what has changed since then?

I know it's easy to say just leave him, you'd be better off, and for all you might be. But maybe not. Do you still love him? Do you think he loves you? Does he love the kids?

YANBU. Honestly the only thing he contributes to the house is money. This would the case if you separated. You're already a single mum to all intents and purposes. You need a serious chat with him and if he doesn't engagr thrm you need to assume he won't change. Then you need to decide what you want to do.

I've been there, OP. I'm way, way happier on my own, not least because I don't have to clean up after ex as well as my DS or myself. And being on my own cured me of having expectations of the other person in my home who was supposed to be co-parenting our child.

You are a single mum already, just as I was long before I threw my ex out of my flat. I loved him even as I threw him out, and it was very hard for a while, but in the end we are all a lot happier.