Am I being unfair

[sur123]

If I ask my husband, who I have been with for 17 years, to only play his computer games when I am at work (he does not work) and not when I come home, is this being unreasonable?

No, not at all.
But is this not just a symptom of an uneven relationship?

No you're not unfair, is he 12?!

Can't bare adults playing video games.

Why doesn't he work?

It's unfair to ask him never to play them unless you're at work. Why shouldn't he play them when you are busy doing something else at home?

I can understand you asking him not to play them if it means him taking over the telly when there's something you want to watch, or if you're asking him to spend a bit more time engaging with you, but if you just don't want him to play these games when you're at home no matter what you're doing, it just sounds controlling.

YANBU. Tell him to get a job too.

I think DH might be thinking the same about me and MN but YANBU

Weird, adults playing video games

Erm no.

I don't play my games if there is family in the house . It's bloody rude!

And pee off with its weird posts.. It isn't weird, it's just another way of switching off the brain and relaxing.

In the evenings I sometimes read. It irritates the hell out of dh to ask me something and get no response because i'm absorbed (not on purpose I add...it's just how I am when i'm reading, can't help it).

If dh told me I was no longer to read when he was there i'd tell him to get fucked.

It's his home too and YABU to try and put complete sanctions on him. If he's on it all the time, you should definitely have a discussion if it affects your life or relationship...but you have no right to place a ban.

What's wrong with adults playing video games?

Surely it's no more 'mature' than watching TV box sets or Facebooking?

More info please. Why do you work and he doesn't?

If you're not reading, watching telly, using internet or doing another hobby when you're in the house with him then YANBU.

There is also nothing wrong with adults gaming. If we all liked the same things the world would be really dull.

It depends.

If he spends all day sitting playing games and he isn't studying, or doing housework or childcare etc but he just plays games from morning to evening then it isn't unreasonable to say hang on, you need to be contributing SOMETHING here, and tbh, you have a massive problem if that's what's going on!

But if he is putting the hours in with home stuff, or childcare, or whatever it is he is doing instead of working outside the home and it's an equal relationship with each of you making a fair contribution to all the family needs and he wants to relax in the evenings with a bit of gaming, and it isn't obsessive or anything, then it's unreasonable of you to say that he cannot relax in the evening his way, because he has to meet your needs instead. There should be room for both.

I play games too, I have no problem with playing games, I really don't. I am a very immature woman for my age and have no problem with games! ;)

It just feels a bit hypocritical for him to say he feels we are now too distant with each other, and he is unable to provide a solution to fix it.

Me... I honestly feel that we BOTH are to blame for the fact that when I get home from work we don't spend time together - as in "properly" together.

Both of us being on a pc, without actually spending time together feels like its the cause of us being distant to me.

We both want to fix this relationship, but when I suggested that perhaps it may help if he played less pc games by himself when I got home it might help us to spend more time together, he suggested that I asked others what they thought of that, because I don't feel he agrees.

Neither of us enjoy TV. I get home from work, we eat tea together and watch a 30 minute program on TV during dinner. Then we both go on our computers.

We used to play games cooperatively together. We had a lot of fun!

Now, though, he plays his solo games, I keep myself busy looking at buzzfeed etc, but if I type of facebook he gets annoyed and says I am "working", and as I spend a lot of time at work, including via emails and pc etc, I get why he thinks this. So I now don't, or at least keep it very brief, I just browse websites.

I have no idea how to fix this. I love him, he loves me. I have no idea how we can fix this.

He is my best friend, my soulmate, I never want to be with anyone else. If we split up I will be single for the rest of my life. I have no interest in meeting anyone else.

How can we be less distant when we don't do anything together? :'(

YABU - I assume you wouldn't ask him not to read a book/ newspaper while you're home, and wouldn't appreciate him asking you not to mumsnet while he's in the house.

I do think he should make time for you as well though - if you barely see each other, and he spends the little time you have together ignoring you while he plays games then YANBU.

X-posts! Why do you not play cooperatively anymore? Would doing that again make you feel a bit more 'connected'?

ps... sorry for not elaborating in my first post. He told me to only say what I had said to him.

I decided to elaborate as I have never asked anything on one of these forums and would really appreciate the advice x

He doesn't work and resents you for working?

He plays computer games all day and night and ignores you, yet blames you for your relationship problems?

I could hazard a guess at why you feel 'distant', and it's not really to do with computer games.

You do know how to fix it though. You even say it in your post!

you don't do anything together, you feel distant, you want to fix it, you want to do things together.

There's your solution.

Do stuff together.

Talk. Decide what you are going to do. Set aside time for it and do it.

You have to both want to, but like you say, you love each other. So why wouldn't you agree to set aside time to just be together?

Turn off the TV during dinner and chat instead, that would be my first suggestion!

Then if you even set aside half an hour a night to just be together, or do something together. Or an hour a few times a week. Or a hobby. Or a night out once a fortnight, just something

I think that time together is important. Why not go out together away from the house.

I suggest 1 or 2 evenings a week where you spend time together.

What online game does he play < nosey>

I love it when DH fucks off on the computer and the DC are in bed and I'm free to MN.

I love to read, which is obviously a solitary habit and means I don't interact with my DH when I'm reading. I would be very annoyed if my DH asked me to only read when he wasn't home. If I was reading all the time and never spending time with my DH he would have a point, but unless your DH is playing video games obsessively and ignoring you excessively I think you're being unreasonable.

haha well we both used to play online survival games, which was super fun by the way, and before that loads of online MMORPG games together.

But... I now think this is what has turned us into "flatmates"...

Flatmates was one of his words by the way. But my feeling is that the lack of actual time together, properly together, away from PC's is the cause??

I work stupid long hours, and I know this is also a hinderance. I am tired, older, cranky and not as adventurous in the bedroom department as I used to be. Which I know is also an issue. I know I should be more like I used to be, but its difficult to be :(

I want him to be happy. I was happy before our recent arguement... Maybe that was better worded as me being blinkered, unaware, oblivious, but I felt happy :( I never saw a problem until he hit me with it last week.

I think he feels that we are now too distant to get back on track. I don't know how to get back on track. I want to get back on track.

I work stupid hours, have money worries and thought we were doing ok despite this. I don't know how to make him happier. Now though, I feel even more pressure to be something I feel I am not. I don't know how to be closer to him.

He does say he loves me, but he feels we are more friends than lovers.