Am I being unfair

[sur123]

If I ask my husband, who I have been with for 17 years, to only play his computer games when I am at work (he does not work) and not when I come home, is this being unreasonable?

I think he needs to take responsibility if he wants more or better sex. What's he done for You lately? You said he was being honest. So now you need to be honest with him and tell him how you feel about being tired, etc. and how he can take some pressure off you so you will be more in the mood for sex. He can't just whine to you about it and expect no to do anything to help the situation.

I would get couples counseling as well. Dh and I have done this, we've been married 14 years, and they gave us concrete tools to use to heal our relationship. But your dh HAS to be on board and want to change as well. It can't be all on YOU. Good luck.

sur what does he do to make sex good for you? I ask because this all sounds very one sided - he thinks you are both too distant, but he doesn't want to spend more time with you and appears to have no suggestions for what he should do to make it better. He thinks things are dull in the bedroom but he wants you to read up on how to make them better. While you sound like you are less exciting because you are less excited by the idea of sex with hime anyway. What exactly is he doing to improve your relationship?

FWIW I think both of you doing your individual things all evening every evening, whether that's watching your own TV programs, seeing your own friends or doing your own things on the computer is not going to help you regain a close relationship. But I don't think the answer is to approach it from the negative angle of saying either of you can't do something. You need to look for things you can do. So how about you suggest you both play a game together once a week like you used to. And take up a sport or something together. So there are things you are doing that you both share and enjoy? You don't have to always do things together, so I think a complete "ban" on him playing when you're at home is a bit UR, but you do need to change your dynamic.

Also, his not working is probably a big problem and might be a significant factor in the distance. Long term unemployment is associated with much poorer mental health and self-image. Looking for work when he's been out of work for that long is not really enough, he should be trying to get training or volunteer to get experience he leverage into a work position. For his sake as well as for you as a couple,, you both really need to take his unemployment seriously.

OP - I started reading your thread thinking you and your DH sounded a lot like my DH and I (except we both work) until I got to here:

He said I should google how better to please men in the bedroom.

He's an arse. Coupled with these gems:

• He does say he loves me, but he feels we are more friends than lovers.
• He and I have talked loads and loads over the last 2 weeks, I give him huge credit for that, I do know a lot of men don't talk to their wives about their issues. I appreciate his honesty.
• I love him, I don't want this to fail. I am the one that feels like a failure, but when I tell him this, he says I am being dramatic/immature/a martyr. I am trying to be honest with him.

There is nothing wrong with playing video games or not spending every second together... what IS wrong is how he is treating you. 

You shouldn't be thankful that he's being honest, when his honesty does nothing to try and solve the problem and only serves to make you feel bad. It's one thing to tell you that he thinks you're more friends than lovers, but what has HE done to rectify this?

Why is it that <span class="underline">you</span> feel like a failure? Why doesn't he realise that his behaviour is a factor in you feeling too stressed out to continue how it was in the bedroom. Why are bedroom antics his main concern?

Why, when you express that you feel like a failure, does he not reassure you rather than accusing you of being a martyr?

His "solution" of googling to please a man in the bedroom is so incredibly offensive I'd never want to be intimate with him again. What a horrible horrible man.

To answer your question though - given he's the one that said you feel more like friends than lovers, and he doesn't have a job and therefore doesn't need "downtime", then no, I don't think you're unfair to suggest that on SOME nights he not be online and instead you try reconnecting with each other.

I think you have bigger problems than that though, especially given you said he told you to ask here whether YOU were being unfair. He's so patronising.

He needs to stop looking for a job he'll enjoy/love and take anything (part time/ full time/ whatever).

I love gaming as does my dp. Sometimes we game together. Sometimes separately. But we do plenty of other things together too like doing yoga and decorating. Pretty mundane stuff but we enjoy it.

You need to find a way to enjoy each others' company again.