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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have been really creeped out by this man?

62 replies

DecisionsDecisionss · 12/10/2014 18:24

Last week I went on a weekend away in Italy with dd who is 2. We were in a city in a quietish area and a man who looked in his fifties wandered over as I was walking with dd and looking at my map (so I was slightly preoccupied).

He stroked the top of her head and probably did a couple of strokes with a strange look on his face when I pulled dd away and said sternly to him 'no, sorry' so that he would back off. He wandered off and didn't say anything, so I don't know what he was thinking.

I am still alarmed by it, I feel that walking up to a lone mother and her child and stroking the child's head is really wrong, he never said a word or started a conversation with me, his behaviour really awoke the lioness in me! If it had been UK I'd have been absolutely furious, but I know Italians are more tactile in general.

OP posts:
UptheHammers1 · 12/10/2014 18:27

I think your are being ridiculous, and the world would be a sorry place if we all thought the same as you.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 12/10/2014 18:28

I would have reached the same, Op.

AlpacaYourThings · 12/10/2014 18:30

He may have been reminded of his DC at that age (assuming he has any)

None of us were there to know how he came across, though.

Meechimoo · 12/10/2014 18:31

cultural differences. Not sinister.

ArabellaTarantella · 12/10/2014 18:31

Sigh - so much angst in the world these days.

WowserBowser · 12/10/2014 18:32

I would have assumed he was just being nice

ILovePud · 12/10/2014 18:32

I think this could have been innocuous but it made you feel uneasy and I think you should listen to your instincts on things like this and you shouldn't be more concerned about social niceties than your own and your DD wishes. How did your DD react? I think it's important that give her messages that she can say no to being touched by random strangers who want to stroke her hair. YANBU.

TweetingInFury · 12/10/2014 18:32

I think he probably meant no harm, however I wouldn't like it if someone just walked up to me a started touching me, nor would I encourage my child to think of it as appropriate behaviour.

I suppose it could be a cultural thing, I've never been to Italy nor do I know anyone who is Italian so I couldn't really comment.

UptheHammers1 · 12/10/2014 18:32

There was a thread earlier about a daughter who took her elderly mother for tea, behind them was a young couple with a four day old baby... The story ended with the elderly lady getting a cuddle with the baby as it was the only time in years she had the chance to see a newborn... Maybe the stranger missed his own family, maybe not, but there are. Million good reasons why he wanted to say hello.

velourvoyageur · 12/10/2014 18:33

But if it had been a teenager or another mum or an old lady, would you have reacted the same way?

Why aren't men allowed to find kids cute and enjoy being innocently affectionate with them?

HamishBamish · 12/10/2014 18:34

It's difficult to know without having been there, but the culture in Italy is very different, especially with how people interact with children. The italians I have encountered are very hands on with children, even those they don't know and it is disconcerting if you're not used to it.

However, I believe you were right to intervene if the man's behaviour towards your child made you feel uncomfortable.

Original poster
DecisionsDecisionss · 12/10/2014 18:45

Velour - the fact is that a man who is physically bigger and stronger than a woman is going to feel like much more of a physical threat than an old lady. Men are allowed to find children cute, but surely they should ensure they have parental endorsement before doing something that may be seen as threatening or inappropriate?

OP posts:
Sizzlesthedog · 12/10/2014 18:48

If you said it was in the UK I'd say YANBU, but Italians love children and this is totally normal. So is touching women, but that's another thread.

I would be freaked out, but in Italy it's very normal.

DancingDinosaur · 12/10/2014 18:48

The man who runs our local cafe does this. He loves kids. I did think it was a bit weird at first, but think it was just a cultural difference between us. And my kids adore him.

ithoughtofitfirst · 12/10/2014 18:55

I would have hated it but been nice about it.

80schild · 12/10/2014 18:57

Some people are so weird with their kids nowadays.

Not all adults that like children are pedophiles, particularly where there are cultural differences.

butterfliesinmytummy · 12/10/2014 18:57

I would have said hello rather than no. In Asia, its normal to do this, pinch cheeks, stroke hair, take photos and it happens all the time - if your dcs are blond, you can't get round a supermarket for attention. Like in Italy, children are cherished and special.

What did you think was going to happen?

Only1scoop · 12/10/2014 19:00

Bloody ridiculous....

On holiday recently the waiter whisked dd away In his arms to take her to the kitchen to clean chocolate from her face and came out and gave her an enormous cuddle....an old lady kissed her in the street!!

You'd have called the Police Hmm

LiverpoolLou · 12/10/2014 19:00

I was at a tourist attraction here in Sweden with toddler DS and we were stalked around the castle by a load of Italian tourists who kept touching him. It was like they'd never seen a blond blue eyed baby before. It was weird and funny at the same time. I wasn't freaked out by it but that's probably because it was mostly women.

squoosh · 12/10/2014 19:00

It's hard to tell. Adult stroking child's head can be totally innocent or totally creepy. Best to go with your gut instinct.

hoedown · 12/10/2014 19:02

A similar thing happened when I was in Lidl with DS1 when he was about a year old. A man (in his 30's at a guess) was standing watching him from behind and then came over and stroked his head. I froze in the moment but it still makes me feel uncomfortable now when i remember it and how i wanted to stop him but was so flustered. Umpteen strangers have stopped to chat with me and my two DS since then and i've never been even slightlt bothered or concerned. I've never had such an awful feeling come over me as i did with that guy.

steff13 · 12/10/2014 19:09

I'd chalk it up to cultural differences. My daughter and I were at the grocery, she was sitting in the cart, an elderly Hispanic man walked by, and she said "hi!" to him. He stopped, stroked her cheek, and talked to her for a few seconds in Spanish. She was about 2, she just smiled at him. It was definitely an unusual interaction, but it was so sweet to see them bond in that little moment, I couldn't be upset about it.

Bowlersarm · 12/10/2014 19:12

YABU to be really creeped out by that incident.

SauvignonBlanche · 12/10/2014 19:17

You were in Italy?? YABU

Towards the end of our stay in Italy DD would be put out if her head wasn't patted, she learnt Brava ragazza very quickly.

needyoumorethanwantyou · 12/10/2014 19:18

YABU for the 'lioness' nonsense for a start.

Odd that after a week you're still 'alarmed' by an incident when really nothing happened at all. Move on.