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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not understand grave photos?

93 replies

desperatedoll · 12/10/2014 16:32

I can't tell if I'm being really insensitive. And yes photo I'm referring to is on fb. I can't believe my eyes. There's a picture of a grave covered in flowers and the pictures on the tombstones are of two elderly people. Around it are 16 or 17 family members looking as if they are at a rave. One is wearing a cartoon wooly jumper. One has on a bright pink leopard print onesie. There is a baby in the photo and four or five other kids and person posting the picture has commented how much fun they had. Aibu to think it's a bit weird or am I being super insensitive? I mean it's just so undignified. I don't get it.

OP posts:

fizzymittens · 12/10/2014 17:23

canyou I think that what your family did was lovely and thoughtful. It made me smile that you would do something so kind.

Not sure about the pics thing as it is not something I have ever come across (no FB thankfully). It sounds maybe a bit tasteless but I find much of what others do crass and tasteless so I am probably not the best one to pass comment.

ddubsgirl77 · 12/10/2014 17:26

My step mum gave me the pics taken of my dads grave on day of his funeral all the flowers etc never worked out why the hell she thought i wanted them :/

AmazonGrace · 12/10/2014 17:27

Grieving is a very personal thing, how a person chooses to remember is a totally individual thing. It's only like the 'in memoriam' column in the newspaper, where there are sometimes pictures of loved ones headstones with a verse remembering that person. What's the difference?

Altinkum · 12/10/2014 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AryaUnderfoot · 12/10/2014 17:31

My great-grandfather died in Arras in 1918, three months before the birth of his daughter (my grandmother). As far as I know, I am the only member of his family who has visited his grave in the Commonwealth war cemetary where he is buried.

I did post a photo of his gravestone on FB on the 100th anniversary of WWI. His sacrifice will largely be forgotten by history, and I wanted to show that, for at least one of his descendants, remembrance is not just some abstract concept.

I'm sure some people may think that's in poor taste, but that's up to them.

I've seen far worse on FB.

Frostox · 12/10/2014 17:36

"I would never post it on facebook. Doubt anyone else wants to see it. I dont understand why you would want to"

I have a huge family spread out across the globe. Every single relative of my generation has, and are active users of, Facebook - as are many of the generation above. It's how we all stay in touch, and we love that. So when I pop to my grandparents grave I sometimes take a photo of how nice the grave looks in the sun/autumn/snow etc, and to let them all know that I've been and spruced it up a bit. Often said relatives, or just people who know how much they meant to me, will comment and we share some time thinking about them.

I fail to see what's not lovely about that. If someone doesn't want to see it, unfriend me - I almost certainly won't give a shit as it's unlikely to be someone who actually cares about me!

And yeah, YABU OP. Obviously, unreasonable and judgey and self-centred. Some people don't grieve like you, shock! horror!

steff13 · 12/10/2014 17:37

AryaUnderfoot you can create a memorial at www.findagrave.com. You can tell his story, post pics, and people can leave virtual flowers.

fizzymittens · 12/10/2014 17:37

Hang on, are we talking about photos taken at an actual funeral?

Dawndonnaagain · 12/10/2014 17:37

Dia del Muertos
Everybody's different.

Sirzy · 12/10/2014 17:38

My aunt lives in Africa and for special occasions will send money over for flowers for my grandparents grave. We sometimes post a photo of the flowers on Facebook so her and her adult children can see the flowers they have paid for.

We also often have a laugh and a joke when we are visiting the grave. Why wouldn't you? Doesn't need to be a morbid experience especially not as time passes. It's 16 years since my grandad died, nearly 5 since my nan died so we are at a point where we can laugh and joke about things.

Dawndonnaagain · 12/10/2014 17:38

Oh, and I took photos at my wonderful mother's graveside to show those that couldn't make it the flowers etc. I had chosen on their behalf.

AlleyCat11 · 12/10/2014 17:41

It's not so much the graves, but that nothing is sacred when it comes to photographs now. Bet if you scrolled down from the grave pics, there'd be a few naked selfies too.

Wadingthroughsoup · 12/10/2014 17:43

I think it's nice that they've obviously been able to find a comfort and enjoyment from being there (though I fail to see the relevance of what they were all wearing at the graveside )

I have shared photos of my parents' burial plot, e.g. when their tree sprouted leaves in the spring, when their bench was put in place... It's not a grave- just a plot in a natural burial ground, but the same principle as what you describe in your OP. It never occurred to me that anyone would find it offensive or strange. All my FB friends knew I was grieving and hopefully they realised this was part of the process for me.

LeftRightCentre · 12/10/2014 17:46

It's amazing how self-absorbed some are. And again, it begs the question, why are you spraffing about this person on here rather than commenting that you don't 'understand' why she posted it in comments or PM her to ask? I mean, you're supposed to be friends, right? Lovely friends, talking about her behind her back on a huge open website rather than speaking to her personally.

shouldnthavesaid · 12/10/2014 17:51

It's a culture - I have lots of photographs that belonged to my gt grandmother, two cardboard boxes full, and at least several are of graves and flowers, burial flowers and I have some of the inside of a couple. Have photos of my gt granda's coffin and gt gran's too - simply because gt gran was buried on top of him, but the family decided to take a photo of both. I admit being utterly terrified of what might have been underneath, but the funeral directors covered what they found in a lovely purple cloth and lined the inside with hundreds of flowers, it was beautiful. I think it's rather nice. We're catholic and have been told funerals are a celebration of life so that's why I think.

MiddletonPink · 12/10/2014 17:53

I have quite a lot of bereaved parents on my FB quite often they will post a photo of their child's grave. Christmas, birthdays, the anniversary of their death. So much effort goes in to make them look as lovely as it can. Flowers, little pot animals, angels etc.

And these mums share the photo's on FB. If it helps them one tiny bit then good. I don't post photo's of my sons grave but that's my choice. I wouldn't judge anyone that did.

Ludways · 12/10/2014 17:54

People grieve in different ways, some want to share, some shut down communication and many are somewhere between. We all just do what we can to get through.

I'm of the later, I can't speak about it and would feel uncomfortable with a public display.

Wadingthroughsoup · 12/10/2014 17:55

shouldnt, that sounds nice and actually makes me wish I had photographed my parents' coffins (not to share on FB but just for myself) because they were so beautiful. One was wicker and the other was bamboo, both had beautiful 'meadow' type arrangements on top.

Sallystyle · 12/10/2014 18:01

My ex husband has his ashes buried and while I haven't taken a photo of it yet I see nothing wrong with it.

I was walking home with my mum and auntie and passed the church so we went to see him, I ended up tripping over and trying to dodge all the headstones and fell into a bush! it was really funny and I think if my ex is looking down he would have thought it was funny. Me and our children often have a laugh while we are there. I don't think he would like us standing around being miserable.

I did take a photo at his wake of our children holding the Dad flowers we got for him and I posted it on FB.

HamishBamish · 12/10/2014 18:04

I suppose it depends what you're used to. I remember seeing a similar photo with the whole extended family there and actually I thought it was really nice. They're remembering a family member in a positive way.

singinggirl · 12/10/2014 18:34

Taking photos of graves has been around for as long as photography. We have a photo of my great uncle's grave, who died aged six months in 1910. We assume the photo was taken to remember him when my great grandmother left India to return home after her husband died. Due to the time, she only had one photo of him, and this other photo of his grave, that she would never see again after 1920.

Original poster

desperatedoll · 12/10/2014 18:39

Fireside chat what a lovely way to put it

OP posts:

Greengrow · 12/10/2014 19:05

No, it's people instead who hide death who are the strange ones. We have removed ourselves from death which makes it harder to cope with. Lots of cultures spend times at graves. Some of my most precious photos are of family graves.

Poppiesinautumn · 12/10/2014 19:05

I wouldn't do this.

On the other hand I do feel unbearable sadness I'll never have another picture of my parents again. I took a picture of their grave after dad died recently and when it was all new - I wanted to remember.

The weeks immediately after he died were and are incredibly precious to me. I need to keep them in my mind. Obviously it was a time of great sorrow but he was close to me then. Now spring has turned into summer and autumn and I'm forgetting how he was. I need to remember.

Here is a really sick secret: I wish I'd taken a picture of him dead. Just so I can I suppose remind myself he is.

Sometimes pictures are happy memories and other times, you know, it's the context of it all. My parents grave is their memory but it's my context, too. Sometimes you need to share that.

FurryDogMother · 12/10/2014 19:33

My aunt died last year (at an advanced age). At her funeral, the funeral director was a lovely, sensitive woman, but I was very surprised when, at the graveside, she suggested that it would be perfectly appropriate to take photos of the coffin in situ, as it were (ie, at the bottom of the grave). I had my camera with me because it was one of the very rare occasions my family get together, and I felt almost obliged to do as she suggested,
with the result that I now have photos of my aunt's coffin actually in her grave, which feels a bit bizarre, really. I wouldn't dream of putting it on Facebook.

I've become a lot more comfortable with death since moving to Ireland some 15 years ago - it's a different culture (from the UK) where death seems to be more a part of life - I'd only ever seen one dead body (my Mum's) before we moved here, but have seen several in the past few years, at wakes. On one memorable occasion the body of a publican was laid out in the pub itself, and the wake was held around it (and went on all night, apparently, we'd left much earlier). I don't find that disrespectful at all - his friends and relatives were remembering him, and including him - and I know this sounds daft - not hiding him away because he was dead.

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